Cis-gender queer woman

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

A colleague described herself recently as being a cis-gender queer woman. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the same as being a lesbian? So why not call herself a lesbian? Presumably there's a reason but can't work out what.

When people say non-binary trans I've tended to think they see being non-binary as a flavour of trans, like one of the alternate genders.

Anyway - I also have a young colleague who considers herself queer. It's come up because our workplace encourages self-identification for work purposes. This person identifies as non-binary but I think, in old-skool language,would be considered a lesbian. But I am not positive about that.

To some extent I think a lot of younger people just use it reflexivly without thinking a lot about what they mean.

Went on a work based course recently. Met a woman in late 40s who said almost immediately to me that she is dating a transwoman and she is a bisexual. Went on and on about how no one accepted she was a bisexual or now one dating a transwoman. I said 'oh that's a shame,.why do you feel like that?,'.
She couldn't think of an actual incident or reason
I thought .. hmm maybe people just think it's all a bit awkward to be told this repeatedly especially at work...And they just find you annoying not your sexuality or partner. She was one of the angriest people I've met in a while, and old enough to know better.
I avoided her after that. So she probably now thinks I don't like her because she's a bisexual dating a transwoman!

@DaisyWaldron

She might be a lesbian, or bisexual, or asexual. She might be in a relationship with a trans person where other people perceive her as straight/a lesbian because of it when she sees herself differently. She might fall into more than one category, eg be asexual but romantically attracted to women. She might prefer an umbrella term like "queer" that suggests things she has in common with, eg gay and bisexual men and lesbians/bisexual women rather than being part of a smaller discrete group. She might feel uncomfortable using the word "lesbian" which has become ambiguous in recent years and feel that "queer" more clearly signifies an openness to relationships with trans women/non binary people. She might see it as a way of joyfully reclaiming a slur and being part of a tradition of fighting homophobia. Or she might just like the sound of it better.

You could always ask her.

Exactly this, I don't know why people are bothered by the terms other people feel comfortable with for themselves.

I can’t be fucked with any of this any more BORED NOW FUCK OFF

is basically where I’m at

@Cheetocat I wouldn't say I was bothered, more intrigued.

It means she thinks she's boring unless she updates her "bio."

I stumbled across a primary teacher who's previous identity was a normal, conventional, long haired single straight woman who'd clearly been teaching for about 20 years.

She seems to have left education to peruse some academic routes in queer child education and now claims to be "ethically polyamarous," chopped all her hair off for a crew cut and added a load of rainbows to her twitter.

So yes, mid life crisis

@DaisyWaldron

I've seen "lesbian" used by different groups to identify slightly different forms of attraction, especially as there are more transgender people in society. I know one woman whose former wife is now her husband. I know another whose former husband is now her wife. I know several who have been attracted to, and had relationships with both men and women in the past, but who have chosen only to pursue relationships with women, or who are married to women. I know others who have only ever been attracted to women. I know some who have only ever been attracted to women with one exception, and in one case she married the exception. I know some women who don't care about the label, but care about the body, and can be attracted to trans men, and non binary people as long they have a vulva rather than a penis, but wouldn't fancy a trans woman in a million years. I know other women who could be attracted to a trans woman with breasts and a smooth face, but wouldn't feel the tiniest bit of desire for a trans man. I know a trans woman whose relationships have all been with other trans women. I've seen all of those people call themselves, and be described by others as lesbians.

Over the past couple of years, "lesbian" has become associated increasingly associated with being gender critical so depending on the context, I would think that someone who described herself as a lesbian(or an event described as being for lesbians) would be more likely to fall into the "only interested in women with a vulva and possibly only other lesbians with a vulva" camp, and whereas people/events that aren't gender critical are more likely to use "queer" "gay" or "sapphic".

Are you some kind of sex therapist or marriage guidance counsellor? How else do you know so much about so many people’s intimate relationships? Or are you just making up anecdotal evidence to make your point?

@WarriorN

It means she thinks she's boring unless she updates her "bio."

I stumbled across a primary teacher who's previous identity was a normal, conventional, long haired single straight woman who'd clearly been teaching for about 20 years.

She seems to have left education to peruse some academic routes in queer child education and now claims to be "ethically polyamarous," chopped all her hair off for a crew cut and added a load of rainbows to her twitter.

So yes, mid life crisis

Jumping on a bandwagon and no capacity for critical thinking, too.

Ahh I kinda have sympathy for the single boring primary teacher who has suddenly 'come out'.. give her a break. it's what we all do when we find a complete new direction.. act all OTT and bore everyone around us. Maybe she's also found love or whatever... but yes its a bit tedious to be lectured to. Especially when we've been living it for our whole adult lives.

When being homosexual was something that a person might feel the need to hide, they would "come out" to family and friends (and colleagues if necessary).
Now so many people want to tell random strangers who they'd ideally like to have sex with, ranging from anybody to nobody......
Someone I follow on Instagram came out as asexual recently and made a big thing about it, including buying herself a ring with cat ears Have sex, don't have sex, I don't care and I really don't need to know!

Yes "coming out" has been hijacked beyond even having a point. Coming out was about declaring something that had been hidden, generally for a reason. It especially winds me up when people "come out" as non-binary. So what? You're no different from anyone else. And how can you come out as something that was just made up basically last week?

Honestly? I’m not particularly sexist and am in a long term monogamous relationship so the whole thing is of zero interest to me.. Why do people tell you any of this? What am I supposed to do as CD a result of receiving the information?

I think some younger people use non-binary because (ironically) they’re actually trying to opt out of all this regressive, reductive, stereotyped shit. No one’s told them they don’t need to call themselves anything at all - they’re free to reject the whole thing entirely and just be!

It's not that useful a label really, is it?

A bit like "woman" isn't a very useful label if it gets used by just about anyone who chooses to.

@MoonOnASpoon

Yes "coming out" has been hijacked beyond even having a point. Coming out was about declaring something that had been hidden, generally for a reason. It especially winds me up when people "come out" as non-binary. So what? You're no different from anyone else. And how can you come out as something that was just made up basically last week?

Agree with all of this - it’s been hijacked.

I think a woman with a couple of gay best friends can call themselves queer now.

@MoonOnASpoon

Yes "coming out" has been hijacked beyond even having a point. Coming out was about declaring something that had been hidden, generally for a reason. It especially winds me up when people "come out" as non-binary. So what? You're no different from anyone else. And how can you come out as something that was just made up basically last week?

Something that occurred to me the other day when I was looking through some teen novels is that the idea of "coming out" has changed it's meaning - it's really now seen as a kind of right of passage to adulthood for teens. Which explains why they are all so focused on defining themselves as some specific thing with some specific flag or whatever.

I am a white middle aged woman married to a man. I recently discovered that because I was a mechanic in the Army I can consider myself to be gender non conforming, which falls under the trans umbrella, which makes me queer. So I am also a cis gender queer woman. Which makes my relationship with my cis man husband a queer relationship, especially now that menopause has made me lose interest in sex. So now, not only am I a cis woman, gender non conforming, I am also asexual. So that’s two boxes ticked. My husband doesn’t quite understand it so I just refer to him as being a closeted cis gender queer man. If that makes any sense.

It's self indulgent wankery imho.

Driven by social media and the need to demonstrate you are more special than anyone else.

Ironic as the gay rights movement was about being accepted as being the same and having the same rights as everyone else.

Trans rights is just about "more" and "more" and "more" covered in unicorn glitter.

Agggh - sorry just had a colleague come out a NB. Totally unsurprisingly given past behaviour in wanting to make a mark without commitment, essentially no changes whatsoever on "their" part but everyone else has to bust a gut to remember "their" pronouns .

@Boxowine

I am a white middle aged woman married to a man. I recently discovered that because I was a mechanic in the Army I can consider myself to be gender non conforming, which falls under the trans umbrella, which makes me queer. So I am also a cis gender queer woman. Which makes my relationship with my cis man husband a queer relationship, especially now that menopause has made me lose interest in sex. So now, not only am I a cis woman, gender non conforming, I am also asexual. So that’s two boxes ticked. My husband doesn’t quite understand it so I just refer to him as being a closeted cis gender queer man. If that makes any sense.

Nailed it 😂

I dont have a cis prefix. I am a woman pure and simple.i don't respond to bloody cis.

I literally cannot wait to gather all of my friends and family together to come out as spicy straight. As soon as I’ve done that I’ll change my email sign off and instagram bio so everyone knows. Do I get a flag? I assume it’s red with very straight pinstripes…

@Boxowine 🤣🤣