Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

@Soontobe60 fair enough... I am not always good at picking the right term but you got what I meant.

@Nomoreusernames1244

Transexuals have a significantly higher incidence of suicide because everyday they struggle with their identity this drops to the the same as the rest of the population post transitioning

Could you link to the stats for this please? I’ve been trying for ages to back these statements up and can’t find anything other than it just seems to be quoted as fact.

link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-022-02287-7

Will help. It has links to various research as well as presenting th information

Transexuals have a significantly higher incidence of suicide because everyday they struggle with their identity this drops to the the same as the rest of the population post transitioning.

You are going to be disappointed when you go and look for the data that underpins that claim @Strugglingwifeofatrans As many long term poster here are on;ly too aware it is a basless claim, or rather it is based on very little evidence, al of which is questionable, does not come from any proper research.

It is, however, said everywhere it can possibly be said. By those, like a certain fox chasing personage on Radio 2 yesterday, to many trans individuals,SM sites etc. Ask anyone who told you this to show you their sources and you will be blocked, called some very unpleasant names, instantly. Many of them know very well that theire is nothing to back up that claim.

Oooh! @Squidgames4U Thanks for that. Most comprehensive! I shall archive it forthwith!

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@lucythejuicy he did tell me many times and before we had our child.. I just didn't want to take it seriously I was in complete denial. But he also said that whilst he wanted to be a woman he didn't have the guts to transition. I think he's still trying to figure stuff out.[/quote]
I haven’t experienced this personally, OP, but I honestly think you should get out of this relationship now. You are probably going to get very hurt in the long run and it’s better to make a fresh start. It’ll be easier to co-parent if you don’t get pulled into the maelstrom-please don’t be his sounding board for how he feels about transitioning, this is so complicated and he needs to talk it through with a therapist.

Perhaps go to see a solicitor (if you are in England) for some initial advice even if you might never divorce and go to someone who is up to date - as English divorce law is about or has just changed.

Make sure you each have a will and you have full details of each others' pensions, bank accounts, P60s, pay slips etc.

Depending on your age if you only have one child you might want to have 1 or 2 more with him before it is too late although I know that will the opposite of what most people will think. As he as arguably led you down the garden path through a whole marriage and if you are say 37 and expected he would give you another child he probably owes it to you to let you still have one.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Whatsnewpussyhat yes we can do that but he's still a co-parent... how to navigate that..[/quote]
All you can do is your best.

I agree that you should divorce now, get it all over and sorted before he changes as IF he ends up like others, and has a personality transplant, at least you have all the legal and financial stuff in place and it’s only the logistics left.

@katepilar, yes. Perhaps kinder than he deserves. He is turning the life of his wife and child upside down. He entered a marriage while knowing he was not who his wife thought. He's putting his desire to change above the status quo.

Imagine OP unilaterally decided to join the forces and get sent around the world leaving her DH and DC to reorganise themselves around her new role.
Or decided that food should be eaten raw and no one in the house was allowed cooked food.
Or decided electricity was dangerous and wouldn't allow any electrical devices in the house.

Perhaps they aren't direct parallels. It's hard to think of an equivalent change OP can force on her family. Make no mistake about it, for him to transition is to force huge change upon his family.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Yes I understand there is nothing to stop him so I'm trying to navigate this future. I have no family around at all, but should be okay if divorcing as I work full time. He earns enough to save for required medical treatments. Of course I'm kind, I love him, he is a great man. He was struggling all his life with his identity and tried his best to ignore this issue and lead a normal life. If I ask I suppose he'll try to continue with his normal life but I see how much he's willing to transition and I'm hopeful this will make him a happier person. I'm worried what he'll have to face in this process and unkindness he might uncounted. I know he'll fully support me if I was "throwing our life upside down". It's not something he can help himself. I read some of transwiddow's stories. I find a lot of the time the men were not great despite transitioning. The child is of preschool age. If I could stop this I would. I love my life as it is. Is there anyone out there who transitioned and still a co-parent? How does this work.

I just wanted to say you are a lovely, kind and caring person. I wish you both happiness.

OP please don't be gaslit into thinking that 'being kind' means just doing what your husband wants and accepting his reality as factual. Look after yourself too whichever way you want this to pan out. Be wary of any advice from anyone who says these threads are 'anti trans' as really that translates into believing that anyone other than the trans person in any situation has any rights. You do have rights and your needs are legitimate.

"Too many stories of people who STILL have massive MH issues despite transitioning for example."
Yes your right but for many transexuals their MH does improve significantly with transitioning.
Ive just googled side rates amongst transexuals and lots of articles detailing higher incidence of suicide. Ironically I used to work with a MH team and youngster who had gender dysphoria and we were also told that that had a higher incidence of suicide.
It's largely irrelevant for the OP she and her DH and her DC are in a very sad and difficult position and they all need support. OP your DH needs to find a therapist who really dose specialise in this (in the UK not easy to find outside of London). You need to also find a therapist to help you work out what you want to do. Any transitioning takes years nothing happened over night and there are strict guidelines in the UK regard when they can be legally prescribed hormones (obviously they can purchase them illegally of the internet) and when any surgery etc can be performed.

This is about you your DH and your DC not want people on here are saying about it. you must do what feels right for you, some women stay with their partners even after they've transitioned other stay friends others have nothing to do with their partners it doesn't mater one bit others say or think about transexuals or what causes it it is all about you and what is going to work for you short term medium term and long term. Im currently having therapy and I am realising that you can make short term decisions for example short term might be to stay in the relationship whilst your husband goes for therapy to work out what he wants to do because you are comfortable with this, a medium term decision e.g.if you DH decides he definitely wants to be a women you do not want to stay in a husband/wife relationship and therefore you will divorce (however sad that'll both make you) and a long term decision you will stay good friends and parent together. There is nothing black and white about this. But you must make the decisions for yourself what will work for you other wise you will feel that you have no control in this situation and that your DH is calling all the shots. And also remember you are free to change your mind, what may feel right today may not feel right in 3 moths time.

@Artichokeleaves thank you for your kind words! It looks like trans people are not welcomed in any dating pools, straight or gay.. Hard to find a partner

@Squidgames4U

My cousin went through similar a few years ago when her husband transitioned. They spent a few months with it just between them, and also received counselling together, and then also with their children, before going more public with it.

Five years on they are honestly the most in love couple of I know. They are re marrying later this year as a same sex relationship. She is a very very strong woman, and I am in awe of her.

It’s not a same sex relationship though, as it is impossible to change sex. It’s homophobic of themselves and you to claim that they are now a gay couple.

Sounds like you haven't yet decided and will need some time. Posters here calling this 'anti trans' of course aren't listening to the lived experience of women in your position who didn't want to stay, or experienced terrible impact along with their children. (They generally don't have curiosity, compassion or interest in anything other than the mainstream celebratory view and are interested only in the experience of the transitioner). If you stay you will find lots of support groups for partners attached to the main trans charities. If you stay you accept that your husband really is a woman and that he is the main focus of your life, and that will probably take priority over yours and your children's needs for a long time to come. He may well not face negative attitudes in the current climate and people are likely to bend over backwards to accommodate him socially and at work. That was certainly the case with my ex husband who has not suffered at all in the ways you fear.
If you don't like being with him, whether sexually, or because you end up feeling betrayed, or because you are likely to have to entirely centre your life and finances around him, Transwidows is one of the few places where women who didn't want to stay and made the 'strong' decision to leave can talk and share experiences. You could do with a neutral person to talk to. If you stay for the time being just remember there is a compassionate space for women who don't buy this, or like it, and who found the self-centredness and disregard for the feelings of others in these relationships intolerable and unacceptable. Good luck.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Artichokeleaves thank you for your kind words! It looks like trans people are not welcomed in any dating pools, straight or gay.. Hard to find a partner[/quote]
This isn't entirely true... he's very likely to end up with another trans person if he's single. But more importantly I'm not sure why you're speculating about life for him when your dilemma is about what you want to do? At some point, unless you've decided to invest entirely in his project, you will need to face how you feel and what you want to do. I'd suggest you make some tentative plans (ie legal/financial) so that if you decide to leave you've done the groundwork and know next steps. If you opt to stay, you've lost nothing. Taking some action may help you take some control of what will likely rapidly go out of your hands.

@user1481840227 sexual orienatation is exactly that. You can be whatever gender you like but lesbians are females attracted to females. If you want another word for a male that identifies as a woman but is attracted to females go for it - but lesbian is taken. Ps I am not a lesbian

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin I think it probably is hard for trans people. I am straight and I actually don't mind a man who wears a dress or make up but a male that says he's a woman - no thanks. Neither would I be attracted to a female who said they were a man. I'm sure some don't mind (I think that's pan sexual) but not sure what percentage of the population they are. It's not really your problem though - it's his

[quote picklemewalnuts]**@katepilar, yes. Perhaps kinder than he deserves. He is turning the life of his wife and child upside down. He entered a marriage while knowing he was not who his wife thought. He's putting his desire to change above the status quo.

Imagine OP unilaterally decided to join the forces and get sent around the world leaving her DH and DC to reorganise themselves around her new role.
Or decided that food should be eaten raw and no one in the house was allowed cooked food.
Or decided electricity was dangerous and wouldn't allow any electrical devices in the house.

Perhaps they aren't direct parallels. It's hard to think of an equivalent change OP can force on her family. Make no mistake about it, for him to transition is to force huge change upon his family. [/quote]
Your comments show a complete lack of understand of what it means and feels like too be a transexual.
Many transmen (and women) are denial about their feelings, they are under no illusions that transitioning will be easy and many love their partners and their children and face a huge dilemma about changing the "status quo". I know of quite a few who rightly or wrongly wait till their children have grown up, and even their partner dies before acknowledging their feelings. Gender dysphoria is not like unilaterally denied to join the forces and get sent round the world it is like a cancer thats constantly eating in to to you and haunting and stalking your every waking moment it impacts on your identity your decisions you job every aspect of your life. It will never go away, some choose to hide it from themselves their families their friends etc other live a 1/2 and 1/2 life appearing to the outside world to be male or female when inside they are struggling but behind closed doors dress as women and take hormones and others come right out and transition. I doubt theres a transexual out there particularly a married one with children who wouldn't do anything to take these feelings away and live a normal life if it was possible.

Funny how this thread has now become about the poor tragic transitioning man. It was supposedly about the impact on and dilemma of a partner...

I'm very glad I didn't stay with my ex and end up spending a lot of time on a thread talking about what a hard life he (and people like him) have when the matter in hand is a woman who is in that situation asking for help and support.

OP I'd suggest asking yourself whether that's what you want to end up doing with your time.

@Tabbycat80

Funny how this thread has now become about the poor tragic transitioning man. It was supposedly about the impact on and dilemma of a partner...

It was ever thus.

@Tabbycat80

Funny how this thread has now become about the poor tragic transitioning man. It was supposedly about the impact on and dilemma of a partner...

My point exactly.

Hello! This is Emma from Children of Transitioners and yes that's me in the Object! YouTube video. I also did a podcast interview with the Straight Spouses Network.
It's a long thread and I may not have caught everything.
In my experience children can pick up on something being wrong, even when the adults are pretending. I remember from a very early age having weird dreams that my parents were really monsters (because they were clearly pretending to be something). In retrospect, we were clearly the 'weird' family. For example, I was best friends with the boy next door and was devastated when they moved at the beginning of the summer holidays, only to discover in September that they had moved to an identical house a few streets away! No children were allowed to come to my house.
And then of course I learned later that all the time my beloved Daddy was miserable and 'living a lie' and the whole thing had been a kind of mirage.
In retrospect, the grief I felt at losing my father and the strange atmosphere of my childhood affected me deeply. I have also received many emails from women whose children are in trauma because of their father transitioning. For these reasons, I would recommend splitting up as early in the transition process as possible, but of course you know much more about your situation than I do.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

I know you said he discussed it before you had your DS, but I think you said, not before you were married?

If that's correct I'd feel very angry that my choice to be in a relationship with a man who was happy being a man had been a lie.

It's hard when you love someone, to just detach from them.

I have no personal experience of your situation, but I have read a lot of accounts from people who have/have wanted to transition 'have always wanted to be a girl' and the ones I have read have had done life experience/trauma that hadn't been addressed. Therefore I'd be making sure DH had had done quality therapy, for his sake & mine.

Not to change his mind as such, but to make sure that transitioning is the solution to how he feels (so often it appears it's not).

I wouldn't make any decisions until that had happened.

If at the end of that he decides to transition, I'd end the marriage, support him as a friend and live my own life which doesn't include having sex with a trans woman.

As for your DS I'd say it's better when he's as young as possible. Kids these days are so much more accepting, try not to worry x

@Squidgames4U that would be fantastic, thank you for doing this.