Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

I'm sorry you are going through this, and your husband too, who is clearly having a very hard time.

The possible sexual assault as a child stands out above all else though. He feels something unbearable about being a man, and assumes that being a woman will "fix" it, but there is no guarantee that this is the case, and the data suggests quite the opposite.

It sounds like he needs a lot of therapy for himself more broadly before addressing the "solution" of transitioning.

I'm a straight woman and I wouldn't be attracted to a woman who transitioned to being a man

But I do think that if someone identifies as a woman and is exclusively attracted to women then it makes zero sense for them to describe themselves as straight

Are you serious? So it's ok for you as a straight woman, not to be attracted to transmen because you know they are female and you aren't gay, yet you think lesbians should be attracted to males who 'identify as women'?

It IS homophobic to redefine the legally protected characteristic of sexual orientation of lesbians, defined as same SEX attracted FEMALES, to accommodate straight males.

Woman isn't a bloody 'gender'

Found it - this is Emma, I'm not 100% certain burn I think this woman is behind the children of Transitioners website. Can anyone else confirm?

@LoisLane66 oh maybe... You know what's funny, when I we are eager myself I liked goth looking young men who wore make up and black nails but they identified as men... I don't like the fake boob territory.. but gosh who knows..

I've unsurprisingly have name changed and PMd you. There are various "support groups" out there some like many posters on here are very "anti trans" and clearly dont really understand it.
Am I correct in thinking you're not in the UK?

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@2Rebecca all valid questions and I don't know! No he says he wants to be a woman. That he always felt like one. I don't know what it feels like to wanting to be a certain gender as I never had these feelings. I think people who don't have issues with their gender identity don't know what it feels like and try to answer more philosophical questions like what it means to be a woman or a man... he says he wants to look more feminine more like a woman and others looking at him as a woman. In my mind in this world it's easier to be a man. I guess there were issues in his childhood that led him not wanting to be a man.[/quote]
He doesn't know either, it's impossible

If we are to accept that men can become women....then a relabelling of their sexual orientation is surely a logical step

No amount of logical steps can render an argument from a false premise logically true. A man cannot become a woman.

But I do think that if someone identifies as a woman and is exclusively attracted to women then it makes zero sense for them to describe themselves as straight

And that seeingly was typed out with no thought for the gay women who would be affected by this!

NOTHING abou tthe situation makes sense. But the constant focus n the needs, feelings of the man making a change that will impact every member of his family remains irritating (word chosen so as not to get placed in the naughty step).

Always felt like a woman, what nonsense

@Larryyourwaiter he is a specialist and I imagine will carry on either in his current job or will find other. There is no customer facing just colleagues and most work places are quite progressive about this stuff I imagine

@Whatsnewpussyhat

Honestly, I'd divorce now and prepare for the shitstorm ahead.

This.

@lucythejuicy he did tell me many times and before we had our child.. I just didn't want to take it seriously I was in complete denial. But he also said that whilst he wanted to be a woman he didn't have the guts to transition. I think he's still trying to figure stuff out.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Larryyourwaiter he is a specialist and I imagine will carry on either in his current job or will find other. There is no customer facing just colleagues and most work places are quite progressive about this stuff I imagine [/quote]
Just out of interest is your partner in a male dominated field? Are there female colleagues at the office who would be expected to share toilet and maybe even changing room facilities with your partner? Would your partner expect this?

As this would be a different issue outside of your relationship that could impact your partner's employment and potentially your life at home.

I'm another who suggests your partner visits a therapist who doesn't simply affirm but seeks to explore the root cause of these feelings, and I would also suggest you find someone for yourself.

@Whatsnewpussyhat

I'm a straight woman and I wouldn't be attracted to a woman who transitioned to being a man

But I do think that if someone identifies as a woman and is exclusively attracted to women then it makes zero sense for them to describe themselves as straight

Are you serious? So it's ok for you as a straight woman, not to be attracted to transmen because you know they are female and you aren't gay, yet you think lesbians should be attracted to males who 'identify as women'?

It IS homophobic to redefine the legally protected characteristic of sexual orientation of lesbians, defined as same SEX attracted FEMALES, to accommodate straight males.

Woman isn't a bloody 'gender'

I NEVER said that Lesbians should be attracted to males that identify as women

You literally just removed my first sentence from my post which was
I don't think that women have to see transmen as women and that women need to include them as part of their dating pool.

and by women I meant lesbian women which was obvious as I quoted the text I was responding to.

Ridiculous!!!!

@WheelyMom thank you so much for replying! I will think and form my thoughts and PM you

"That he always felt like one. I don't know what it feels like to wanting to be a certain gender as I never had these feelings. I think people who don't have issues with their gender identity don't know what it feels like and try to answer more philosophical questions like what it means to be a woman or a man... he says he wants to look more feminine more like a woman and others looking at him as a woman. In my mind in this world it's easier to be a man. I guess there were issues in his childhood that led him not wanting to be a man."
As far as Im aware there are no "issues in childhood that lead to this, my DH has seen psychiatrists and been told it has nothing to do with your childhood. I dont know why some men and women feel like this and I think as you said those of us who dont feel like this will never really understand what it feels like however much we try and empathise. My DH cannot remember not feeling like this, (he now late middle aged and has hidden it much of his life) he says as young as 4 he was secretly wearing his sister underwear. Transexuals have a significantly higher incidence of suicide because everyday they struggle with their identity this drops to the the same as the rest of the population post transitioning. Not all are happy for transitioning but for many I changes there whole lives for the better. I once read an article from a transexual she said before transitioning everything and everyday was such struggle and life was grey post transitioning life is still not easy by any stretch of the imagination but now everything is in colour.
Im not saying any of the above makes it easier for you it is a very complicated and sad situation you are both in.

I think there are many reason why people might want to transition.

For some it will be something that has always been there for them.

For some there will have been a trigger - childhood abuse, struggling to deal with unwanted attention as a teen etc etc

Etc…

I don’t think it’s helpful to put everyone in the same category and expect them to need he same level of support. Too many stories of people who STILL have massive MH issues despite transitioning for example.

Transexuals have a significantly higher incidence of suicide because everyday they struggle with their identity this drops to the the same as the rest of the population post transitioning.

I'd need to see some stats to support this claim.

Transexuals have a significantly higher incidence of suicide because everyday they struggle with their identity this drops to the the same as the rest of the population post transitioning

Could you link to the stats for this please? I’ve been trying for ages to back these statements up and can’t find anything other than it just seems to be quoted as fact.

I wouldn’t get bogged down with his sexuality and whether he’s straight or gay as tbh it’s irrelevant right now.

What is important is that you both get support and you are open with each other about how you are feeling.

I do believe that some people are confused about their gender as they’ve been through trauma or are just not happy with themselves but some are genuinely born in the wrong body as we know chromosomes aren’t perfect, and your husband is definitely someone who fits that category.

I think it’s really nice to read about someone who is open with their partner enough to tell them about this even though you could have ended things straight away and it’s lovely to hear how supportive and open you are even though your world has been turned upside down.

My sympathy this is a tricky thing. Seek as much support as you can get! You aren't alone with this. It's such a hard thing to go through.

I'd honestly focus on 1. You! And 2. coparenting effectively for now. I'd prioritise myself and kids and kind of let him crack on.

I wouldn't look to support him at this time. You only have so much energy. It needs to be focused on you and the kids.

He needs to seek support that isn't you. You should not be doing emotional labour for him- you have enough yourself.

Why do you not believe it? I understand from psychiatrists who specialise on this area many transexuals say the same thing why would they make it up? Why would my DH make it up? There is no point. It makes no difference to me when he started to feel like this.

I said in my post why they would make it up.

Also they need to present their transition as being inevitable rather than being a choice.

To a lot of trans widows it does matter to us when they started to feel that way, because it's the difference between them marrying us knowing that they were lying or not.

@Gumbomambo thank you for your kind words!