Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

Start planning your own life and begin to distance from him, OP.

Don't be blackmailed into supporting him through this when it will cause you much distress.

I have no personal experience of your situation, but I have read a lot of accounts from people who have/have wanted to transition 'have always wanted to be a girl' and the ones I have read have had done life experience/trauma that hadn't been addressed. Therefore I'd be making sure DH had had done quality therapy, for his sake & mine.

This is just not what happens in the current climate of affirmative treatment unfortunately. Transitioners don't spend time having thorough therapy as part of the process.

Once the decision has been made, expect things to progress rapidly.

OP this is about you and what you feel and want to do. You have plenty to consider and difficult feelings whatever you decide to do. Just beware people trying to guilt-trip you, pressure you to be 'kind' and 'accepting' if you don't want to be. Anecdotally (there doesn't seem to be stats anywhere) at least half of partners don't stay so if you don't that's fine and a fairly normal and reasonable decision. There is heavy emphasis on the victimhood of trans people (still waiting on those suicide stats sources...) but you are not responsible for him, his choices and his timing. I hope you can stay on-topic whatever you try to do and just be mindful of the emotional blackmail and pressure from elsewhere and possibly him going forward. Good luck to you.

I only read the first post so apologies if there have been other updates that make this comment irrelevant but, I think you will have a better experience of this than other people may have as you are starting from a place of compassion and acceptance that he is who he is.

I have a friend who transitioned a good amount of years ago, it was a very difficult decision as he was a family man and very involved with his kids… and still is. The kids, now teenagers, still call him dad and are still very close. His, or her,, life has changed a lot, Nice fulfilling job, lots of hobbies and sports, has a good friendship group (old and new) and now a husband of ten years.

I don’t think, however, that you will be the best person to support him on this as you also need space to mourn the person who he is no longer going to be. He will need his space to grow into his new persona and you will need your space to rebuild your life as well.

@Strugglingwifeofatrans thank you so much! I am in the UK now but I'm not from the UK originally hence all my family is sadly very faraway

@TinselAngel

I'm very glad I didn't stay with my ex and end up spending a lot of time on a thread talking about what a hard life he (and people like him) have when the matter in hand is a woman who is in that situation asking for help and support.

OP I'd suggest asking yourself whether that's what you want to end up doing with your time.

I have advised the OP to do what feels right for her and I am speaking from my own personal experience, this is what you have to do. But I will also defend transexuals when I read ridiculous remarks be they men or women because it is not by any stretch of the imagination like deciding to join to forces or eating raw food. Look at my user name. I more than most on here totally understand where the OP is coming from and how difficult the situation is for her. But vilifying trans men or women and drawing incorrect and frankly bizarre parallels is not going to help her in fact it's likely to make the situation worse. Her DH has not decided to be a transexual for the sheer hell of it he cannot help how he feels and nothing is going to take this away. The OP needs to decide what is going to work for her this is a very difficult decision to make when you love someone and have a child by them. I would also give the same advise to someone in a relationship with a transwomen.

@OhHolyJesus male dominated field and working from home.

The only thing I will say is make the priority your child, not your husband. When your child asks questions about what it means to be male and female, and what daddy has done to his body, and when you find yourself torn between telling the truth or instead describing the ‘artificial reality’ that transitioning people seek to create, please choose to tell your child the truth.

If possible get your husband into therapy. Because transitioning is not going to solve his problems.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@OhHolyJesus male dominated field and working from home. [/quote]
Thank you for coming back to this.

@Strugglingwifeofatrans It must be such an urge and struggle if people are ready to go through this, taking hormones that impact health, being seen as ridicule, potentially losing loved ones, wives, children, friends... and yet they still need to go through this. It's so brave and how can I not be kind to these people. They are humans and they are not just putting on women clothes for cheap kicks. They are humans who are suffering and trying to discover their true self. That's how I view it. They deserve respect and kindness in my opinion. I personally would be happy to share facilities with trans people. However my personal view on the toilet issue is that we deserve individual toilets that we don't have to share with anyone. I equally feel weird when I am around strange women in the toilet.

@WonderfulYou thank you!

I would leave him now and brace yourself for emotionally supporting a child whose father struggles to meet their needs. He had no business fathering a child when these feelings were unresolved.

My thoughts are with you OP not had say personal experience but I think sounds like it's going to be hard for all of you. I think you know your husband better than anyone else and only you know what kind of person he is. I think the affect on your child will be very dependent on the area you live in and what kind of family you are.
I don't think it is helpful for people to blame anybody as what does it change. I k own that for me in the long run although I would try to be supportive I am not at all attracted to women so couldn't maintain any physical relationship.
You all deserve to be happy however that looks whether you stay together or not. Don't ever stay with someone out of just supporting them. Life goes by so quickly make sure it's q happy one.

I more than most on here totally understand where the OP is coming from and how difficult the situation is for her.

You might need a bit more information on Tinsel... try the Transwidows thread or www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Never assume or make such definite statements here on Mumsnet. You will often be surprised at the response you get.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin I appreciate that you have found one poster whose username and posts make you feel as though they have an answer for you that feels right. But please, do have a look at the voices of other transwidows. See if any of their stories ring true with you.

You don't have to decided anything now, but being fully aware of the experinces of many others in the same situation as you might help. Those who stay and those who leave. Don't prejudge yourself!

I would read up about Dr Ray Blanchard's theories and perhaps explain those theories with him? He may come to the conclusion that he isn't actually trans.

"This is just not what happens in the current climate of affirmative treatment unfortunately. Transitioners don't spend time having thorough therapy as part of the process."
There are guidelines which I cant find. You have to see a psychiatrist even to see a private one the wait can be over a year who will recommend if your suitable for hormone therapy they also expect you to go for counselling with a suitably qualified counsellor who will also make recomendations. This enables the trans person to explore their options and how it will work I real life it is especially not easy to become a women and live as a women if your a man. This thread clearly demonstrates peoples hostility towards it. My DH is tall big framed middle aged and slightly over weight he no more looks like a women than I look like a caterpillar he is painfully aware of this. He knows that he will be at the very least stared at in the street that it could effect his employment opportunities he's currently a successful business man he may loose friends over this and also destroy his relationship with me his wife and cause me considerable distress. On the other hand he sometimes talks about suicide and the every day struggle of having gender dysphoria and not feeling yourself in the way you present to the world. He attends a counselling to try and help him decide what is frankly the least bad option. As I said above I too attend counselling to help me take control of my life and make decisions that are right for me.
Some with gender dysphoria dont feel they want to full time women or men for a variety of reasons including being in a loving relationship with children.
I believe but this may have changed that in the UK you have to wear women clothes full time for two years before any surgery will be considered (even if you can pay for it). You have to pay for electrolysis etc. not all trans want gender reassignment surgery for women to men in particular the success rate is not always that great. Some men opt to take testosterone suppressing medication and then female hormones and dont bother worth the surgery. Its a very complicated multi faceted problem for both the person with gender dysphoria and their loved ones be they parents partners their children or friends.

@Strugglingwifeofatrans thank you so much, yes I like the idea of a short, medium and long term plans. I hope you are well and getting through this. I'll be talking to him more tonight and hopefully more and more in the future. This has been hanging over me for so long. We need to decide what's best.

To everyone saying that he deceived me, it's not true. He has been telling me and I didn't want to believe it or take it seriously. He was saying that he wants to be a woman or feels like a woman but not sure about transitioning. I just hoped this would go away. He probably though I was all on board with this. It was okay till he started cross dressing then I realized it's not just a fantasy or role play. I drew my line in that I don't have sex with him when he's dressing up. But I am happy to do his make up as a friend for example.

@socialworker222 thank you for sharing your experience. I find a lot of stories on transwidows are centered about finding out and leaving. I'm more interested about the life after. How people treated them after even if separated, how they treated children, what story to tell children. It's nice that your exDH felt accepted and accommodated. How are you now? Did you feel that people felt sorry for you?

@Whatsnewpussyhat

Honestly, I'd divorce now and prepare for the shitstorm ahead.

As above. There’s no way I’d stay with him.

I'm worried that transitioning won't help him feel better and he will be absolutely lost. I also realize that despite what caused the desire to transition doesn't change the fact that he wants to. He said he wanted to be a girl from as long as he can remember himself.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here: the transwomen I know have a lot of other issues - depression is a common thread for all of them.

The thing is - as much as he doesn't want to be a man - this does not mean he can "become" a woman. He just can't, and what I see from transwomen friends is that they realise this, and so their depression actually intensifies ...

Also - don't ever let hm gaslight you into denying your sexuality, and your preference in being attracted to him as a man, his physical male body.

Good luck you sound lovely @LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin but you need to look after yourself.

Women and girls are socialised to look after others, to see ourselves in relation to others. Please don't lose yourself - as other PPs have said, you might be well advised to start separation & divorce now.

But I suppose I'm also fascinated to know what men think when they think they want to be women? Just because he may be very ill at ease with maleness and masculinity, this really doesn't mean he's a woman. He just can't change sex; and he actually can't change the socialisation & conditioning he's received since birth (often before!)

Also fascinated to know if his transition will mean he'll do:

• majority of the emotional labour to maintain your family & your relationship
• majority of the housework
• majority of the mental load of running the home & family

hmmmmm

@SamphiretheStickerist

I more than most on here totally understand where the OP is coming from and how difficult the situation is for her.

You might need a bit more information on Tinsel... try the Transwidows thread or www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Never assume or make such definite statements here on Mumsnet. You will often be surprised at the response you get.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin I appreciate that you have found one poster whose username and posts make you feel as though they have an answer for you that feels right. But please, do have a look at the voices of other transwidows. See if any of their stories ring true with you.

You don't have to decided anything now, but being fully aware of the experinces of many others in the same situation as you might help. Those who stay and those who leave. Don't prejudge yourself!

Are you in along term relationship with someone who is trans? If yes and you have found a way to move forward come to terms with it and make a happy life for yourself despite ending a relationship with a man you love despite his issues then congratulations please tell how you've managed to do this. There are quite a few support groups for partners of transexausl who wouldn like to hear how you've done it. I am very familiar with www.transwidowsvoices.org, the SPA, the Beaumont Society and quite a few others over the years I have sought support and advise from these organisations I have read numerous books articles and talked to psychiatrist about it (with out giving my own situation away) in an attempt to understand what the hell Im living with, I personally have found it helpful to try and understand what. gender dysphoria means for the individual so that I can make an informed decision for myself about my future. I am very sadly for me trans widow I have lived with it often in denial for 40+ years the whole thing caused me significant distress but I do believe there is no point blaming my DH or being anti trans or bitter this these feelings will get me nowhere. I can try and empathise with my DH and try and understand what he's going through and support him as someone who cares about him still make decisions that are right for me. I do know I would do anything to take it away and to be in "normal" relationship for my husband to be able to stop these feelings (as would he) relationship but I also know this is never going to happen.

Tinsel knows this inside out. For a reason. She doesn't need to be told.

She knows the dark side of this, that no one wants to hear or is willing to publish.