Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

Kinder than he deserves?! wtf As in currently OPs focus is all on him and he is turning their lives upside down, for something he has already admitted he felt before they got married but didn't tell her

So OP is in a position where her DH has hidden this very significant fact from her for the whole of their relationship. And STILL she writes here to find a way of ensuring he is included, centred, not pushed out. So yes, kinder than he has any right to expect!

How do you think you would react? Would you be happy becoming a de facto lesbian wife, a sister perhaps, to the man you married?

. Claiming that a trans person who is attracted to someone of the opposite sex is somehow now gay is homophobic because it implies that one’s sexual,orientation is a choice.

What???

If we are to accept that men can become women then we should also accept that after transitioning to women that they are gay if they are attracted to women.
How does it imply that sexual orientation is a choice?

It's just applying the same sexual orientation labels to the persons new gender identity.

I'm a woman who is attracted to women = gay

As a lesbian, I am attracted exclusively to other female people. Homosexuality is sex based and not gender based, which is why it is offensive to insist that a male person who identifies as a woman is now female and should be part of a lesbian's dating pool.

This is also not a conversation to have on a support thread for a female type woman in a very difficult situation, so perhaps a separate thread would be a good idea.

OP you are worrying a lot about society and what others will think and how he will be perceived.

You can't control any of that stuff so I think you would benefit from trying to learn to let go of things that you cannot control.

Maybe write a list of all of things you are worried about, then go through the list again and cross out everything that you have no control over and then only focus on things that you can control.

Also I think you need to learn to detach a lot from the decision making in this journey, you said your husband said he can try to hold off for a bit longer. It's like he wants permission or you to push him forward or make the decision for him.

That's just not fair at all, and while it might feel comforting to think that it doesn't have to happen yet and he's going to take your wishes on board for now all it does is apply a lot of pressure to you. He needs to make the decision about when and not put that pressure on you. That might be something on your "I have some control over this" list but it really shouldn't be because it's actually a negative.

Very sorry that you're going through this!

@user1481840227

. Claiming that a trans person who is attracted to someone of the opposite sex is somehow now gay is homophobic because it implies that one’s sexual,orientation is a choice.

What???

If we are to accept that men can become women then we should also accept that after transitioning to women that they are gay if they are attracted to women.
How does it imply that sexual orientation is a choice?

It's just applying the same sexual orientation labels to the persons new gender identity.

I'm a woman who is attracted to women = gay

This is homophobic nonsense.

A male can not change sex.

Gender is not sex.

But we don't accept that men become women, ever. So a straight man assuming the identity of transwoman and stil looking for sexual relationhsips with females remains straight. A gay man transitioning rmains gay, looking for sexual relationships with men.

And isn't it wonderful that as soon as they assume that transwoman identity all their doubts about who/what a woman, or a man, actually is goes away, when they look for a sexual partner?

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin, I assume that he has a clinical diagnosis of anxiety & depression, & has he had medication & counselling/psychotherapy to address this & the childhood sexual abuse??

Has he clinical support for his transition?

You must put yourself & your child first.

He is an adult who is making profound physical & emotional changes in his life, & that is his choice. He is about to undertake a deep change of his psyche, he will not be the person you knew. For this venture to work for him, he can no longer be that person you knew. His sense of self has changed.

Your choice in this matter is yours alone to make, there is no assumption that can be made that you are, or are not, a party or support for his choices.

Always fascinated to hear more about the FIRST conversation that ever took place between you and him. When he first raised. I just can’t comprehend sticking around after that! Especially if no children at that point

I suggest you or ideally both of you watch Cluniac's recent youtube "Five Reasons for Gender Dysphoria" As Cluniac says transitioning does not address the underlying issues. The other thing he constantly mentions is that cross sex hormones have health consequences, a fact TRAs want to brush under the carpet.

If we are to accept that men can become women

But do we though?

@Artichokeleaves

As a lesbian, I am attracted exclusively to other female people. Homosexuality is sex based and not gender based, which is why it is offensive to insist that a male person who identifies as a woman is now female and should be part of a lesbian's dating pool.

This is also not a conversation to have on a support thread for a female type woman in a very difficult situation, so perhaps a separate thread would be a good idea.

I don't think that women have to see transmen as women and that women need to include them as part of their dating pool.

I'm a straight woman and I wouldn't be attracted to a woman who transitioned to being a man.

But I do think that if someone identifies as a woman and is exclusively attracted to women then it makes zero sense for them to describe themselves as straight!

Totally agree it's not the thread for it, but I responded to that poster because they called the OP transphobic!!!!!!

In case you don't know Cluniac in Oct last year detransitioned after being a transwoman for two years.

@Scianel

If we are to accept that men can become women

But do we though?

Well that's what I am saying.....

If we are to accept that men can become women....then a relabelling of their sexual orientation is surely a logical step....so it's mind boggling to me that that poster said to the OP that her saying her husband would be considered lesbian was homophobic!

Wouldn't it be transphobic to say that a man who transitioned to a woman and was attracted to women was straight? as that wasn't accepting that he was now a woman?!

@MistOverTheDowns

What a selfish man-how does he think this is going to affect his child.

He may as well howl at the moon as want to become a woman-the best he can be is a transwoman and that is not the same thing at all.

Time for him to stop putting his fantasy first and put his child first and, honestly, if he couldn't do that and he was my husband, I'd divorce him.

Stop trying to be so cool and put your child first because this bumping weight prick thinks he comes before his child.

True

@Squidgames4U Wow just wow!! That would be ideal maybe for me too.

Unfortunately you are sort of in a 'reactionary' mode as the decision to transition is solely his, if you choose to wait for him to make up his mind. And what he decides is 'right' today may not be what he decides tomorrow or the next day or the next year..

I think that at this point you need to think only about what is right for you and your DC regardless of what your DH decides. You have to think about what is right for you for the long term regardless of him.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Squidgames4U Wow just wow!! That would be ideal maybe for me too. [/quote]
I'm happy to ask her for any resources or support she found useful for her and their kids if you like.

@2Rebecca all valid questions and I don't know! No he says he wants to be a woman. That he always felt like one. I don't know what it feels like to wanting to be a certain gender as I never had these feelings. I think people who don't have issues with their gender identity don't know what it feels like and try to answer more philosophical questions like what it means to be a woman or a man... he says he wants to look more feminine more like a woman and others looking at him as a woman. In my mind in this world it's easier to be a man. I guess there were issues in his childhood that led him not wanting to be a man.

@DogsAndGin thank you for your lovely comment! Agree, even now I'm trying to laugh about it too

@Wordlemakesmegrumpy thank you! I'll read the book.. such a new territory and indeed so many unknowns..

I could not stay in this relationship. No one wakes up one day and decides they're trans. He's betrayed you. Seeing as you could divorce it looks like this is your best option. Sorry you're in this situation.

@RedToothBrush
It's not in any way homophobic.
Absolutely ridiculous.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@2Rebecca all valid questions and I don't know! No he says he wants to be a woman. That he always felt like one. I don't know what it feels like to wanting to be a certain gender as I never had these feelings. I think people who don't have issues with their gender identity don't know what it feels like and try to answer more philosophical questions like what it means to be a woman or a man... he says he wants to look more feminine more like a woman and others looking at him as a woman. In my mind in this world it's easier to be a man. I guess there were issues in his childhood that led him not wanting to be a man.[/quote]
I agree that it’s likely the result of childhood trauma, and that it is not, therefore, something that is innate. So he really needs to explore this in extreme depth with a professional before he is in a position to decide that medical intervention will make him well.

However - all that is his emotional labour to do, and not yours. You don’t have to suggest or support or explain or cajole. He has to do it all himself.

In your situation I would be saying fine, if this is what you think will make you happy, go and do it, but we need to be apart in the meantime. Once you are happy with who you are (whether through therapy or transition) we can talk about whether I would like to be in a relationship with that new person. But I’m not prepared to go through the day to day issues it will create for me and for our child to get there. If my husband, the man I fell in love with, was telling me he didn’t want to be the person I love any more, I wouldn’t be able to love and support him through taking that person away from me.

@heathspeedwell thank you for your story, I'm sorry you had to go through this. I completely agree that a good therapist should be our absolutely first step. I don't think he lied, I think he was in love, he was living like a man and wanted to suppress his feeling of wanting to be a woman..then realizing that he can confide in me.. then 10 years after.. now realizing he might not be able to suppress these feelings forever and the need to be a woman grew. Possibly after becoming a father as it added to an expectation of being a male figure, a man.. I don't know speculating here. I don't remember if it was before or after marriage he started talking about it but I didn't take it seriously at all back then..