Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

“Strugglingwifeofatrans”

“As far as Im aware there are no "issues in childhood that lead to this, my DH has seen psychiatrists and been told it has nothing to do with your childhood“

Of course there can be issues from childhood. He just didn’t happen to see any psychiatrist who understood/admitted that.
I understand though that that might well not be true in your DH’s case.

I doubt theres a transexual out there particularly a married one with children who wouldn't do anything to take these feelings away and live a normal life if it was possible.
You don’t have to ‘doubt’- there are many stories out there about people who have very much been like this and focussed on themselves only. The op seems very convinced that her dh isn’t one of those and I hope she’s right. What is true is that transitioning for married men never seems to involve picking up extra of the housework and parenting load to generate a truly equal parenting relationship, perhaps more women would welcome it if it did.

@Strugglingwifeofatrans

"The truth is that humans can’t change sex.' But they can change how the world perceives them. Many transexuals want to be seen as women (or a man) they want to have the outward appearance of being a women or a man because inside they feel they are a women or a man but are presenting the world as they opposite sex. Those of us who don't feel like this have no idea what this must feel like.A psychiatrist I know who worked solely with transexuals for most of his wokring life said I just cant imagine what this feels like, its not important to me because I am what I appear I don't even have to think about it. But for those with gender dysmorphia its not like this inside they feel they are a women or a man but are presenting to the word in the opposite sex and they find this exceedingly difficult. How can this of us who dint feel like this comprehend it?

You would be right to say I have no idea how this must feel - and it must be awful. I have only compassion.

I would worry, though, that the reality of presenting full time as a woman could fall short of the fantasy and cause extra issues. I have no doubt that it can become all consuming as someone becomes ever closer to the idea in their head, but ever so slightly misses the mark - because of body hair or jaw shape, small hips, deep voice. So it may actually increase the dysphoria a little due to it being an unobtainable thing in the end.

Could it make things worse?

I don't know whether you have any thoughts on that?

"I think your DH will probably end up with someone else as well, that's why I'm suggesting you move on with your life now."
OP do not let anyone tell you what do do with regard to the relationship between you and your DH. It is solely up to you and what feels right fir you.
If you can find yourself a good counsellor/therapist and consider all the options and with their help decide which is the best for you and your situation (not the one someone you dont know of the internet tells is). This way you will feel in control of the situation and will make the right decision for you at the time.
I have have had a few well meaning friends tell me I should do X Y and Z all this did was confuse me and increase my anxiety and made me feel I had to defend my decisions when I wasn't doing what they suggested which increased my anxiety further.. I don't generally scream see a therapist at the drop of a hat but in this situation you need too (its taken me many years to come forward for proper structured help). A good one will will encourage you to explore all your options and will support you in any decisions you make. Have you spoken to your GP ours has a therapist attached to the surgery so its free. Some work places also offer staff support/counselling. I think the biggest mistakes I made was putting off finding a counsellor to discuss my options partly because I was afraid to look at what my options were because I could only see negative outcomes and because you get so many reactions like this seen on this thread and I was just wary of having to explain my situation.

But what is the truth?

Humans can't change sex.

And your son's father will never be and should never be "mum"
a) that completely disrespects and ignores your physical risk in conceiving bearing, and giving birth; as well as your emotional labour in raising your DS.
b) he is his DS's biological father, and your DS deserves to know that clearly and unequivocally.

*"You would be right to say I have no idea how this must feel - and it must be awful. I have only compassion.

I would worry, though, that the reality of presenting full time as a woman could fall short of the fantasy and cause extra issues. I have no doubt that it can become all consuming as someone becomes ever closer to the idea in their head, but ever so slightly misses the mark - because of body hair or jaw shape, small hips, deep voice. So it may actually increase the dysphoria a little due to it being an unobtainable thing in the end.

Could it make things worse?

I don't know whether you have any thoughts on that?"*
lifeissweet I think this is the dilemma for many with gender dysphoria as I said above my DH with all the best will in the world looks no more life a women than I look like a caterpillar. Many will do electrolysis voice training plastic surgery etc to try and make themselves look more feminine. But the psychiatrist said to my `dh you'll be an "overweight post menopausal women" if you transition he's never going to look like Elle McPherson even if money was unlimited! He has no illusions That is why he attends counselling to ascertain that he really understands what this means practically and much as anything else I suspect few make the decision overnight however strong there internal desire is to be the opposite sex.I also suspect this is why many marry have children etc because they know the alternative is not that great. IMO those who still go-ahead are actually brave because they know that in the vast majority of cases that how ever much they try they still will look like a man dressed a women. I guess its easier for women who transition to men. Maybe the reason why I've met happier older transexuals because older people in general are more invisible anyway in our age obsessed culture; just a thought.

"And your son's father will never be and should never be "mum"
a) that completely disrespects and ignores your physical risk in conceiving bearing, and giving birth; as well as your emotional labour in raising your DS.
b) he is his DS's biological father, and your DS deserves to know that clearly and unequivocally."
I really dont think it does disrespect and ignore the physical risk of giving birth no transexual I know thinks he's become the birth mother and my DH is proud of the fact that he is our children biological father.
This for me and my children is not the issue no one including my DH and children are disputing either of the above statements.

Those of us who don't feel like this have no idea what this must feel like.

Could be said about any disease or disorder, mental or physical, by those who don’t suffer from it. It doesn’t make it special, and it doesn’t often help to pander to people’s delusions. Some people think they would be better off without their legs (or some other organ or limb). They feel they were never “meant” to have them. Should they be encouraged or allowed to simply cut them off? Probably not.
“Feeling like a woman” is so nebulous as to be impossible to define (apart from as a set of stereotypes, which very many women wouldn’t conform to or recognise).

@FlakeyFish thank you so much! I do want to hear about happy endings whether it means staying together or not.

no transexual I know thinks he's become the birth mother

Then what is meant by "mother"?

OP, really centre yourself in this. And your child. Life will throw so much at us unexpectedly (speaking from experience) and you need to make sure that you are living a life you are ok with.

Also consider how much support you are able to give and for how long time before you are completely exhausted. I won’t presume to speak for any transwidows but I believe that many men who transitions indeed go through a terrible time and for very long. I would worry that this means that there will be less space for you and your feelings/hurts/crises, especially if you also need to be strong for your child. Children can go through a lot (grief, bullying, school issues, friendship issues) completely unrelated to your DH and you will need to be able to support your child as well.

I know from experience how draining it can be to support people emotionally and physically. Don’t forget yourself in all this. Your life and happiness matters too. And a marriage needs to be about mutual emotional support - especially as your child will need all your strength at times.

@IWillBeSeeingYou

I often hear we can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have gender dysphoria so we should be accepting however most of us also don’t know what it’s like to have anorexia or generalised body dysphoria but we DO know that these people are mentally unwell, we don’t help them with kindness by believing their delusional thinking, we treat it. I don’t see the difference.

You clearly know absolutely nothing about it. Anorexia (I used work with them) is not the same thing as gender dysphoria by any stretch of the imagination you are comparing two totally different conditions. You'll be suggesting next that we give then ECT to make them change their ways or how about regular anti psychotics. Im middle aged I clearly remember when homosexuals were seen as deviants and could be "treated" either with therapy or even medication , hopefully few think this now. We have moved on we understand what it means to be a homosexual that this is how people are its normal and there is nothing wrong with it. Until I read this thread I didn't realise that so many people didn't believe the same about those with gender dysmorphia and Im also shocked by how little people really know and how unsympathetic people are to those who suffer with it and yes they are suffering. The problem is that many like the OP and myself are in relationships often IMO hoping that this will get rid of these feelings and that is where ultimately it all goes wrong for both the the person whit gender dysphoria and their partner. It's easy to say they have been dishonest with themselves and their partners but the having the read the views and comments on here it's hardly surprising.

Strugglingwifeoftrans
“You clearly know absolutely nothing about it. Anorexia (I used work with them) is not the same thing as gender dysphoria by any stretch of the imagination you are comparing two totally different conditions.”

Anorexia and gender dysphoria may not be the same thing but I have heard that in the case particularly of girls with gender dysphoria there can be a link with anorexia, gender dysphoria and autism.

Anorexia is a diy menstruation /puberty/ breast reducer

Anorexia is a diy menstruation /puberty/ breast reducer
WTF have I just read

And yet you haven’t explained why it is different.
I’m gay, there isn’t a comparison. I also suffered from anorexia for 10 years before being treated with therapy and medication. I’ve had ongoing body dysmorphia that I work on constantly, again through medication and therapy. I don’t expect others to go along with my delusional thinking, pre treatment though I would have…
Illness of the brain should of course be treated, pretending everyone will believe you can change sex or males can actually be lesbians, nope nobody is really buying it.

@DrSbaitso

no transexual I know thinks he's become the birth mother

Then what is meant by "mother"?

Maybe Im being a bit dim here but I dont understand what you're trying to say. My DH does not see himself as my childrens mother and never will. I am our children's mother he is the biological father to our children and he is proud of this. It doesn't matter if he transitions to a women or a walrus (given his size he'd probably make a better walrus ) that fact doesn't change. You do not have to erase or cancel out what you have been and done prior to transitioning to a man or a woman.

Anorexia is a DIY menstruation /puberty/ breast-reducer

Please don’t simply any medical condition like this. Anorexia (and all forms of eating disorders) are a complex interplay between social factors and (we believe) a predisposition for it. It is a complex disease where they symptoms (the disordered eating) only can be treated by treating the underlying causes. However, and this is very important, if the patient is too far gone as in too low weight, they need to be taken back to a minimum weight before treatment can start.

It is an illness, it destroys lives and it needs to be treated so the sufferers can move on and live a normal life.

You know this thread actually isnt about you yeah?
Where has the poster you quoted implied it was?!
Seems to be just giving an alternative view which is allowed.
Are you now going to tell Tinsel it's not about her either, yeah?
It's good I think that this thread is balanced with both views.

Anorexia is all about control. The refusing to eat/controlling your food intake excessive exercise is a symptom of an underlying problems it is the thing that the person with anorexia can control. It is true that generally a certain type of personality develops anorexia, I could live with and work with anorexics for the rest of my life I am never going to get anorexia I simply dont have that type of personality (no criticism of the personality traits of either those with anorexia or myself is intended).
Its like alcoholics you drink because you have an underlying problem and the drink helps you deal with it.
Of course the key factor and the key difference between both and gender dysphoria is that without intervention they are fatal.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Strugglingwifeofatrans

DrSbaitso
no transexual I know thinks he's become the birth mother

Then what is meant by "mother"?

“Maybe Im being a bit dim here but I dont understand what you're trying to say. My DH does not see himself as my childrens mother and never will.“

The OP mentioned the possibility of her child knowing her DH post transition as ‘mum’.

She wrote: “I want my child to know his dad as a dad.. as a person I know and love him now. Or maybe it's best for him to know him as a mum so he doesn't need to deal with the change.. who can tell me what's best it's so new to us and to society...“

So I think that may be a reason why that question came up.

lucythejuicy

"@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWinI think it probably is hard for trans people. I am straight and I actually don't mind a man who wears a dress or make up but a male that says he's a woman - no thanks."

^Same, but I'm bi, and I always had a thing for feminine men/masculine women. The thought of "lady dick" repluses me though (google it if you're brave enough, it's a thing).

*repulses

Sorry that was not meant to say LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin