Page 11 | Husband transitioning help!

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 2022-02-10T12:57:06+00:00

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

Strugglingwifeofatrans · 10/02/2022 19:59

You can also join via face book Straight Partners Association (SPA) its a UK based group for those whose partners or ex partners are gay or have gender dysphoria. They have a separate bit for those whose partners are trans they are non judgmental and very supportive PM me if you want more details.

entropynow · 10/02/2022 19:59

Well that's interesting. MN has deleted my posts pointing out that hostility to transpeople is common here and is not going to help you.
Wonder what that tells you about the "support" you are going to get.

Greengate66 · 10/02/2022 20:00

He isn't kind, he's wasted your time and stolen your youth for his own selfish reasons. He's lied to you and selfishly brought a kid into the world in difficult circumstances. The time is to think only of yourself and not waste any more mental energy on this creep. I've been there, going through it is awful but coming out the other side is true freedom. Please put yourself first and foremost. Good luck and good wishes

EeeICouldRipATissue · 10/02/2022 20:00

www.transgenderpartners.com would serve you better given your OP. It's a US site so some stuff won't be relevant, but there will be folk to talk to

Copying the link just in case your post goes
Seeing as she's already got links to the widows one and said it's not really the perspective she's after, hopefully given the rest of your post this might be another another alternative showing people who don't automatically leave and explains about life afterwards which sounds more like what she's after

EeeICouldRipATissue · 10/02/2022 20:03

Wonder what that tells you about the "support" you are going to get
Yep, you can't point that out.
Which is why I quoted the link someone posted saying the same as you as saw yours deleted and thought there's might too.
Seeing as it's a support link MN, surely that bit can at least stay?

entropynow · 10/02/2022 20:03

@EeelCouldRipaTissue

Thanks. Op sounds a lot better person than many of her so-called supporters

FlakeyFish · 10/02/2022 20:05

mermaidsuk.org.uk/ - helped my friend when the person she married transitioned. They are the most dedicated and lovely couple still. I knew so little when they both announced it, but they could be the poster couple for trans in marriage.

I hope you find your way forward through this, OP. My friend was scared and sad and hurt, but they are so happy, both of them.

I might actually flag this thread to her so she can add, if she feels relevant.

entropynow · 10/02/2022 20:05

@EeelCouldRipATissue

Ah, but it's the wrong sort of support.

entropynow · 10/02/2022 20:08

Even if the partner does decide to leave [which I am not saying isn't an option, only OP knows what's a deal breaker], starting with hatred, aggression and baseless accusations of sexual perversion rarely helps.

Strugglingwifeofatrans · 10/02/2022 20:11

@Greengate66

He isn't kind, he's wasted your time and stolen your youth for his own selfish reasons. He's lied to you and selfishly brought a kid into the world in difficult circumstances. The time is to think only of yourself and not waste any more mental energy on this creep. I've been there, going through it is awful but coming out the other side is true freedom. Please put yourself first and foremost. Good luck and good wishes

I rarely talk about this as I am a private person up until very recently few knew what I was going through. I struggle with the fact that my very much loved DH has gender dysphoria it has made me so unhappy at times I have self harmed and seriously considered suicide. But life is not that black and white. Despite everything I dont believe my DH "has wasted" my time or stolen my youth, and I definitely dont believe that he has selfishly brought kids into the world in difficult circumstances. Over the 40+ years we have been together we have had so many many positives (we still do) so many happy times, two lovely happy well adjusted children now grown up. He has not stolen anything from me he has given me so much and vice versa. The tragedy of the whole thing is in fact the opposite we both have so much to loose, he would do anything to get rid of these feelings he doesn't want to feel like this but he like many transexuals has discovered that it doesn't matter how much you try to deny it and lock it away its like a multiheaded triffid it just keeps coming back eating into you..

Redwinestillfine · 10/02/2022 20:12

Thinking practically op try and protect yourself. How is he paying for the transition? Can you get a legal document drawn up so you don't loose out in any future divorce as he's spent it on his new body? Will he be paying for councellig for you and your child to work through all o this? How else will this impact your life and how can he make that up to you? Don't let him make this all about him. You are being more thaand understanding and

EeeICouldRipATissue · 10/02/2022 20:13

but it's the wrong sort of support
Seeing as it is a support link will be interesting to see if it is allowed to stay

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 20:18

@Thewindwhispers

The only thing I will say is make the priority your child, not your husband. When your child asks questions about what it means to be male and female, and what daddy has done to his body, and when you find yourself torn between telling the truth or instead describing the ‘artificial reality’ that transitioning people seek to create, please choose to tell your child the truth.

If possible get your husband into therapy. Because transitioning is not going to solve his problems.

But what is the truth?

OP posts:

Strugglingwifeofatrans · 10/02/2022 20:25

@Redwinestillfine

Thinking practically op try and protect yourself. How is he paying for the transition? Can you get a legal document drawn up so you don't loose out in any future divorce as he's spent it on his new body? Will he be paying for councellig for you and your child to work through all o this? How else will this impact your life and how can he make that up to you? Don't let him make this all about him. You are being more thaand understanding and

If you can I would strongly suggest that you go to couples counselling and try and work out a how all these things are going to work maybe after he has worked out where he want to go. Getting lawyers involved in the very begining may make the situation acrimonious I personally have avoided going onto war with my partner unless course you want that. " How else will this impact your life and can he make that up to you?" Personally I don't believe that he has to make anything up to you anymore the you do. OP you need to take control of your life work out what you want and and try and make your own life no expect him to help you make a new life. You clearly love him and want to support him and its right to expect him to support you too but when the chips are down it's you who has to make a different life for yourself. I know form personal experience that its very difficult and also very lonely at times, but its from only within you that you'll really find the strength too do this and support from him is just a lovely add-on. .

IWillBeSeeingYou · 10/02/2022 20:29

I’m sorry you’re going through this op it must be awful.

It does piss me off though when’s transwomen are considered lesbians. As a lesbian, males can never be women. Lesbians are same sex attracted, that’s a fact that will never change.

NameChangesforNoman · 10/02/2022 20:31

Op as long as he is holding off you will feel indebted and that’s not a dynamic you need to fuel. Also it’s unlikely now that he’s been this upfront that he’ll be able to stop it anyway.

Ellowyn · 10/02/2022 20:32

This is not what you signed up for. If my husband decided he was a (70 year old) woman, I'd toss him out so quick it'd make your head spin.

Lordamighty · 10/02/2022 20:37

But what is the truth

The truth is that humans can’t change sex.

Strugglingwifeofatrans · 10/02/2022 20:40

"If possible get your husband into therapy. Because transitioning is not going to solve his problems."
Are you suggesting therapy will stop him feeling like the overwhelming need to transition that therapy will take it all away? You clearly know absolutely nothing about it if you believe this.
I've met quite a few transexuals over the years whose problems have solved by transitioning and of course some who's problems haven't.IME those who transition when they are older; middle aged and upwards transexual are often happier. They have often been happily married have children etc and have wrestled with this all their lives. The happiest one I met (professionally for a different reason) transitioned at 69 after a marriage three children and a successful career he was a changed person, he explained rather movingly how he was finally allowed to be himself. Obviously the ex wife may have a different take in it, Bu tit its not uncommon for many partners to remain supportive.
The famous travel writer and trans sexual Jan Morris wrote a book called Conundrum the title IMO sums up the whole situation for many.

Greengate66 · 10/02/2022 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

TinselAngel · 10/02/2022 20:41

There are guidelines which I cant find. You have to see a psychiatrist even to see a private one the wait can be over a year who will recommend if your suitable for hormone therapy they also expect you to go for counselling with a suitably qualified counsellor who will also make recomendations.

Look I'm not here to fall out with other trans widows.

You describe the process accurately, the year that you mention was the worst of my life (although it's got strong competition from the year that I suddenly lost the Dad that I adored).

The point I was making is that there is not a thorough process of talking therapy and exploration as part of the GIC, at least not one that is likely to result in anyone changing their mind. This sort of thing is expensive and the process in under resourced.

Women should know this so that they don't hope their husband will change his mind.

You will not have sought support from Trans Widows Voices unless you have posted on the Escape Committee threads here. I should know, I run it.

We should not be lumped in with the Beaumont Society etc as we are completely independent of any trans organisation.

Your initial advice to the OP Strugglingwifeofatrans was excellent. She needs to centre herself. My advice to women in this situation is always that they need to live a life with boundaries, where they are free to choose their own direction. The alternative is being dragged along in somebody else's wake. Lurching from crisis to debilitating crisis.

I'd also say that looking after yourself involves hardening your heart to whatever "struggles" your husband is going through. It clouds your judgment as to what is best for you and your children.

What is life like after, you ask OP? It's freedom.it's not without its struggles but it's freedom from being a support human and cheerleader.

Spookytooth · 10/02/2022 20:42

@Lordamighty

But what is the truth

The truth is that humans can’t change sex.

Yes true. But he can live as if he is a woman (or what he believes is a woman) and others can treat him the way he asks to be treated - pronouns, new name etc

Echobelly · 10/02/2022 20:42

Honestly if your child is very young it sounds better for DC's wellbeing to 'rip off the plaster' and your partner to transition sooner rather than later, even if the immediate cost may be your marriage. I agreed indebtedness would not be a healthy dynamic if DH is holding off because he feels he has to do it for you.

You know your DH better than anyone here, so I hope relations stay as positive as they can.

Cameleongirl · 10/02/2022 20:43

@GrandmasCat

I only read the first post so apologies if there have been other updates that make this comment irrelevant but, I think you will have a better experience of this than other people may have as you are starting from a place of compassion and acceptance that he is who he is.

I have a friend who transitioned a good amount of years ago, it was a very difficult decision as he was a family man and very involved with his kids… and still is. The kids, now teenagers, still call him dad and are still very close. His, or her,, life has changed a lot, Nice fulfilling job, lots of hobbies and sports, has a good friendship group (old and new) and now a husband of ten years.

I don’t think, however, that you will be the best person to support him on this as you also need space to mourn the person who he is no longer going to be. He will need his space to grow into his new persona and you will need your space to rebuild your life as well.

This post is telling, OP. The friend who transitioned still has a great relationship with their children and now a husband of ten years.

So the mother of their children is no longer their partner, they have a male partner.

I think your DH will probably end up with someone else as well, that's why I'm suggesting you move on with your life now.

Strugglingwifeofatrans · 10/02/2022 20:49

"The truth is that humans can’t change sex.'
But they can change how the world perceives them. Many transexuals want to be seen as women (or a man) they want to have the outward appearance of being a women or a man because inside they feel they are a women or a man but are presenting the world as they opposite sex.
Those of us who don't feel like this have no idea what this must feel like.A psychiatrist I know who worked solely with transexuals for most of his wokring life said I just cant imagine what this feels like, its not important to me because I am what I appear I don't even have to think about it. But for those with gender dysmorphia its not like this inside they feel they are a women or a man but are presenting to the word in the opposite sex and they find this exceedingly difficult. How can this of us who dint feel like this comprehend it?