Year 10 daughter advice please non binary

[Okhowtohandle]

DD is very high achieving and moved schools a year ago from an all girl grammar has settled in well and made lovely friends.

I’ve just got the autism referral from the school and it says the following - to the question about gender identity - it says ….DD identifies in school as non binary as do ALL the girls in the form. DD had non binary friends all changing their name but she hadn’t or so I thought. She said recently ‘biological sex is in your dna’ according the form tutor all the girls in the form are now identifying as non binary - all of them including DD. In a massive school (12 form entry) conservative estimate by the form tutor is 50% to 75% of the girls are identifying as non binary- they don’t yet have any boys identifying as non binary. DD has never had any contact with the biological father he left me when I was pregnant. Her siblings father was abusive and we left and he wanted to see her and she refused. She feels the world is set against girls with violence, court etc even university applications. Women are judges on earrings make up and shoes etc but boys aren’t. She’s had good female role models but my father was very close to her until she was dropped like a stone as she questioned them over some horrid actions towards me - so was seeing them daily haven’t seen them in nearly a year and she hates him (my father) and never wants to see him again. He is a nasty bugger so I don’t blame her.

Firstly she hasn’t told me about being non binary.

How can I address it with support and compassion.

Anyone else have a teenager DD with autism (school are pretty sure she has it) referral in hand.

We talked about the ex etc and she said I don’t and never have blamed you, you took us to safety, you stepped back in your career and we’re the best mum ever getting me counselling and fighting for our protection in court - and it’s not your fault I admire you

Oh wow, I just had the biggest lump in my throat. What a lovely girl and what an amazing mum. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and she has good head on her shoulders. I'm glad you managed to have a good talk and got to the bottom of things.

Okhowtohandle, She sounds lovely and a credit to you.🌻

I agree with KaleKebab correcting the referral should be a priority as it has the potential to influence her assessment.

The other would be more a question of how the school handles data collection, and what exactly was said.
IMO if a child had dysphoria, gender identity is potentially sensitive medical data as the child is disclosing having mild distress or other mental health issues.
The teacher should never collect data in a way that a child feels pressure to put a "public" label on themselves.
Perhaps the school could look at how the data is collected eg the teacher collecting the data asks each child to hand a note up or fill in a form and the teacher shreds it in the office.

I really want to comment on this thread but I'm tired and over stimulated from a busy day. I'm autistic and I don't want to type now when I will probably say something ill-considered. I don't want to forget to comment so hopefully now I've posted I'll remember tomorrow.

Sorry for the annoyingly irrelevant post in the meantime.

She does sound amazing. I want her to be Prime Minister one day.

I thought I would provide an update. I emailed the deputy head that looks ‘after’ her academically as she has different provision due to her Sen & attainment.
I explained that DD was confused and upset as she absolutely did not identify as NB or GN and in fact listed the names of the girls in the form that also identify as girls (2 identify as GN according to DD but she pointed out others could have discussed this in confidence and she won’t be aware) I pointed out DD and I have good conversations about gender, sexuality, healthy relationship and I absolutely would not have a problem if she was NB but the blanket ‘ALL the girls identify as non binary’ on her medical form was not appropriate as firstly it isn’t about DD specifically but that a blanket ‘ALL’ or assumptions are potentially damaging and frustrating for teenagers when these are very complex issues for young people to navigate. Etc etc and I forwarded the form the form tutor had filled in. He responded in less than 30 minutes (this was early this morning at like 8 am) apologising said he would speak immediately to DD and form tutor separately and it was absolutely not the case that ‘all’ female students were doing this. Agreed the details on a personal medical form were not appropriate and needed immediate discussion and to be rectified. He spoke to DD with compassion and empathy this morning - he phoned and said he was so sorry and DD and others in the form were not identifying as GN and never had and that he had immediately spoken to the tutor. The form was subsequently rewritten and comments removed. He said I was welcome to go into school and talk further with him.

I told him it is a confusing time for many teenagers but I had concern with pronouns being required or students being asked several times what their gender is (who haven’t identified as GN) is that they can feel pressured and no one should have to declare their ‘gender’ - if they wish to have that conversation it needs to be in safe space with parents fully informed etc but my concern was teachers are saying all girls are GN to avoid offending some is offending those that aren’t. I pointed out much evidence highlighting use of pronouns caused discrimination when forced eg highlighting which are female and making a point about their gender/ biological sex when we should be doing the reverse as a society - looking at human being with equal value. If people want to declare it - if that makes them comfortable fine but no one should be forced to. Concern over female safe spaces and terminology. We have had a good and frank conversation. Form redone. Daughter happy again.

What a flipping minefield.

Well done!

Great

It's a really good response from the head.
Hopefully the teacher involved will also respond as positively to your concerns for your daughter.

Hi my DD is 13 and I've going through this too with her. She started off as nonbinary and now is trans... wants to be known as he/him.

She/he has always been a little on the spectrum nut recently this has developed into much more, sensitivity to sounds, crowds, textures and very odd, rude behaviours. I do blame social media for most of what she's going through.
How can I vet her assessed for autism ? Or can I get counselling through my gp?
Please help I'm at my wits end her 😢

It must be scary but probably not anything to worry about, from what I can gather NB means cutting your hair and wearing trousers 🙄 I mean the Goths and Emos at least made an effort

Just read your updated, you rock!

Hi SHA you would be better off starting your own thread, there's some really good advice here, instead of resurrecting a zombie thread from 2021. Bayswater Support and Transgender Trend are great places for very sensible advice too. Good luck, it's so distressing

The way I see this issue is like so:

• society is over genderised: we give genders to cars, colours, professions, toys........ and to our detriment. Spark to the fuel is the over sexualisation of everything, even bloody Children's cartoons! Messed up. Little girls in cartoons don't have to have tons of makeup, sexy mini skirts and different bodies to the boys (they look like they come from a different planet!)

• the new generation is right in being pissed of with this but they're doing it all wrong! Gender fluidity and non binary ideas only exacerbate these prejudices about gender and dismiss the differences between sexes.

• separation of sexes is done to the protection of women. Women NEED this

Your daughter needs to be told that there is no difference besides the ones that are physical manifestations of our genetic sex. She can wear what she likes, do what she likes, enjoy what she likes, regardless of outdated society ideas and still be a woman.

I am a woman who doesn't use makeup or colour my greys and did engineering at university. I heard more than my fair share of sexist comments...... One of my daughters loves dinosaurs and Georgie Pig and the colour blue. Why are these things still seen as "male"?? No reason whatsoever! Let's change that!

Definitely another one for red flagging the gender identity on forms in the school. Surely it pressures students into picking a cooler identity. This is where the DoE guidance a la Braverman needs to come in.

I'm glad you sorted things out with DD. If there is a high amount of girls identifying as NB I'd bet it's a mix of social contagion / teen trend, well documented as more likely to spread in girls.

Bring back goths and emos! Hope the next trend is less complicated.

Research data suggests autistic girls more likely to identify as trans or non-binary than non-autistic girls. I see this in a lot of the autistic teenage girls I've worked with and/or know.

My personal opinion on the reasons why autistic girls are over-represented in this population is that it has become an umbrella identity for those who feel different. Autistic girls often do behave/feel/react differently to non-autistic girls and feel they don't fit in - they may see a trans or non-binary identity as explaining this when it may just be that they are different because they are autistic.

Another possibility is that they already know they are different, so they are quicker than others to recognise the gender difference in themselves.

What exactly are the signs of being non binary..???

My DD dressed very manly and wanted a neutral name and for us to use they/them pronouns. Drove me mad!

Please speak to the school governors about it all. I emailed my DD’s school about their over-focus on gender identity (she came away very confused) and the head of pastoral care that I emailed didn’t get back to me. I’ve been advised to contact governors instead by a relative who is a school governer and says she would want to know about it so she could intervene. I haven’t yet but will do!

I've spoken to my GP and he suggests that she is jealous of anyone who is close to me and thus behaving in a rude and offensive way to anyone that is near to me. The Trans issues are down to body image and attention seeking. Maybe gp is right

Schools should be putting some serious thought into this.

Sounds like there is a serious problem with girl pupils and it will not be solved by saying hurrah! You are non binary.