Husband thinks I'm transphobic

[plesiosaurus]

I'm devastated.
My husband has just said he believes trans women are women, and that my gender critical views are abhorrent. He compared it to thinking that all Muslims are terrorists, and said that I'm bigoted and transphobic. I'm struggling to see how we go forward from this to be honest.

Well if you can be bothered

Things like

A female colleague he's known for years and socialised with a fair bit comes out as transgender. Email from HR on name change. Few days later they come in while he's at the urinal. He's totally comfy with that?

In pub and a young woman goes into bog. Someone he assumed to be male watches her go past and then gets up and follows her in. Oh they must be trans! No problem then.

I mean why bother though.

All the men I know that have raised this thinks it's outrageous and dangerous for women.

If a man doesn't think God that's awful to opening up all single sex stuff to males on the basis of their invisible feelings then he's a dick.

Sorry OP.

[quote plesiosaurus]@NonnyMouse1337 That seems a sensible route to take. He did say that it's obviously not "normal" men who become trans women![/quote]
I think this is telling. Sounds liks he doesn’t really think they’re women. His conscious mind wants to classify them as non-men and thus women, by default.

And his NAMALT reaction tells you the other half of the story. Despite all his efforts, his unconscious mind knows perfectly well they are men (even if the very idea horrifies him) and thus more important. They are non-men men though, and “not normal” so he definitely shouldn’t have to put up with them in his space, thus you must accept them in yours. The good news is, he doesn’t really believe you’re transphobic. He believes your rejection of any man from your space indicates misandry, which is presumably an indication that you secretly hate him, as well as all other men. And that is the ultimate offence, because he sees men as more important.

Not sure how I’d cope with him really.

[quote plesiosaurus]@FFSFFSFFS No, he wouldn't do that. He would consider it unacceptable. Which is why I can't understand why he doesn't see it as unacceptable for an intact trans woman to do the same. [/quote]
Maybe explain to him, that it's not necessary trans women that women are nervous of, its the loophole that will allow men access to women and girls in potentially compromising situations. Surely he can at least see that....

It's very telling he wouldn't even consider dating a transwoman. Another man willing to trample over our right to preferences and safety by saying TWAW but willing to make an exception for himself.

So he knows old mother Hubbard is really a bloke then. His resistance is crumbling but he hasn't realised it yet. Maybe avoid the subject just to keep the peace? Let reality work its subtle magic on these lads.

OP, just remembering that my own DH, years ago when I started looking into all the gender issues first thought I had fallen down a rabbit hole, thought it was all nonsense, then became a bit angry at me, shortly before he realised the issue and implications. I can't remember the turning point for him, might have been Keira Bell's case. But I saw realisation dawn on his face.

He is now very firmly gc.

I think cognitive dissonance builds gradually, and sometimes people can lash out and get angry because they know that something isn't adding up. He might be getting more defensive because he knows that his position isn't really tenable.

OP you have my sympathy, of all the people not to get it, your own partner would be very difficult. I wouldn't bother trying to explain it to him, why make life difficult for yourself? He will be carried along with the rising tide of awareness in the mainstream, like everyone else. Maybe that will happen before you lose all respect for him ( especially if he is calling you names like "transphobic"). I hope you've got people you CAN talk to about this subject sensibly, because that helps.

Reading through your comments OP, it's clear he'll chant TWAW as a mantra but at the same time he knows it's not true:
sexual partners for heterosexuals like him: Not a chance in hell that he would
sport: He disagreed with Laurel Hubbard competing against women
heresy: He did say that it's obviously not "normal" men who become trans women!

In fact, if you were to tot up the "transphobia points", it's might actually be him who's the "transphobe".

When you discuss this issue with him, you're exposing him to things that make him experience the cognitive dissonance between what he knows he must believe, TWAW, and what reality tells him, eg his own sexual orientation. He experiences this as "someone is making him feel transphobic". But because he knows he's not transphobic he needs to project this internal feeling of transphobia onto an external source. Since you're responisble for making him feel there's "transphobia" in the air when there's a discussion, rather than exploring what this might actually mean, he takes the easy way out by declaring you to be "transphobic".

I would suggest to him that it's incredibly important subject for you, and you would like him to do the courtesy of listening to what you have to say, in a non-confrontational manner.

This makes sense.
I am happy to disagree with my partner on things. I'm happy to agree to put a topic to one side. I'm happy to discuss calmly or even a bit heatedly things we both care about and still differ.
He doesn't get to call me names then refuse to discuss though. I'm not sure I could continue a relationship in those circumstances. Then I also don't understand why he's happy staying married to a "bigot" - suggests he may not really believe what he's saying there either.