Husband thinks I'm transphobic

[plesiosaurus]

I'm devastated.
My husband has just said he believes trans women are women, and that my gender critical views are abhorrent. He compared it to thinking that all Muslims are terrorists, and said that I'm bigoted and transphobic. I'm struggling to see how we go forward from this to be honest.

Also, he's being disingenuous to say we don't trust men and that makes us misandrists because I bet you he worries about your DD being out alone, doesn't like her walking at night alone etc etc?

He probably needs to be educated about "self identity as a transwoman" by persons who have dicks and every intention of keeping them.

@Embroidery what? I work in IT - am I now a man?! Eek

I’m sorry I haven’t had time to read the whole thread, but just wanted to say that I had a similar issue with my husband when I first started to see the issues with this.

It took a long time, about 2 years to be honest, but each time we’d talk about it, he’d shifted his attitude slightly, and eventually he admitted that there was a clash of rights and that I had a point. I think he still thinks I worry too much and blow it out of proportion, but I just wanted to let you know that this is something that you may be able to get past. Like you I questioned our whole relationship, because if he thought I was a bigot then what was the point! We would have raging arguments about it because I couldn’t comprehend why he didn’t understand what I was trying to say. I got very emotional which didn’t help, and tried to get everything into each conversation. I would suggest trying to stay calm and addressing just one issue at a time. The whole lot is too much for anyone to take in, they think we are mad if we tell all the problems in one go because things have got so crazy.

I think as well he started to come across the madness online for himself, which has helped as well. It’s crap but sometimes men seem to need confirmation from another (male) person, which is another issue for feminism, as if we didn’t have enough to be getting along with 😂

I'd be curious to know his views on Rachel Dolezal or Stefonknee and whether he also thinks it's fine to identify as 'trans race' or 'trans age' as well as trans sex, and, if not, how is it different...

How about asking him to watch Magdalen Berns video on Alex Drummond? And then say that he agrees that Alex is a woman.

I think you should ask him to watch Riley J Dennis on genital preferences being transphobic. Then Magdalen Berns . Compare and contrast.

He said that it's wrong to mistrust all men, and if he said that he mistrusted all women I'd accuse him of misogyny

Safeguarding has to look at what could be the worst case scenario though.

Is he against airport security because of the assumption that some passengers may be terrorists and all passengers are ‘mistrusted’ and presumed guilty?

Is he against DBS checks for schools to try and safeguard against sexual predators or should we just take everyone‘s word for it that they are not sex offenders.

Why does he lock his car door, isn’t that a form of safeguarding and presumes a group of people (men usually) would steal the car.

Trans women retain the same offending rates as men after transition therefore some of them will therefore be sex offenders.

Do hundreds of women have to accept being “collateral damage” because your husband thinks it’s ok to take away the means of protecting and safeguarding ourselves?
He safeguards himself and accepts safeguarding in other regards, why are trans women such a special case?

@plesiosaurus

He said that it's wrong to mistrust all men, and if he said that he mistrusted all women I'd accuse him of misogyny. He just won't see the fundamental difference that means women are instinctively mistrustful of men they don't know - the risk is not comparable!

It's not mistrust, though. It's about fear. He doesn't know this because he doesn't fear women because he doesn't have to. Fear and danger: we don't live in the world as men do. We have reason.

What’s the famous saying? Men fear women will laugh at them and women fear men will kill them

Ach, he doesn't think TWAW any more than you do!
"He said that it's wrong to mistrust all MEN'
'Not normal 'MEN' obviously' comment.
Disagreement with Laurel Hubbard rocking up at the Olympics.

He thinks TW are kind of 'not men' and sees women as 'not men' too - therefore we all being in one big shitty bucket of not being men together.
Also he's taking offence at the fact that while (sigh) it's not all men, but it is overwhelmingly usually men, who commit the rapes, abuse and violent crime and that's led to safeguarding. And that's not fair (stamps foot, pouts).

Boo fucking hoo.
I think Id find this misogyny more insulting than my DH genuinely thinking transwomen were actually women.

If OP's husband believes that TWAW then they would be a subset of woman to hold a preference on, just as short/brown hair etc

That's exactly the point. And many TRAs maintain that rejecting all MTF trans people would be transphobic because they are women like any other women, so you wouldn't be allowed that "preference" for female bodies.

The point is that it is highly likely he doesn't actually believe they are women and that some women have penises and testicles, he's just virtue signalling and posturing.

@plesiosaurus

He said that it's wrong to mistrust all men, and if he said that he mistrusted all women I'd accuse him of misogyny. He just won't see the fundamental difference that means women are instinctively mistrustful of men they don't know - the risk is not comparable!

It doesn’t sound like he’s great at critical thinking tbh. I’d just tell him he’s a misogynist and YOU think HE’S the bigot and disgusting. See how he likes them apples.

Things is a lot of the argument here is lumping all transform in one category of potentially abusive . I think it’s valid and fair to consider that many trans folk are safe and aware of how to conduct themselves respectfully as any other human should.
This is a weird thread. Lots of prejudice and not much balanced discussion. Which just perpetuates division, misunderstanding and cruelty.

I’m going down in flames for my comment - but come on ..anyone prepared to see a different way to discuss or think ?

This is about the fact of male people posing more risk to women and invading our spaces where we have a right to expect privacy and dignity, and to centre our own needs. What's wrong with saying no?

@Topsyturvyloo

Things is a lot of the argument here is lumping all transform in one category of potentially abusive . I think it’s valid and fair to consider that many trans folk are safe and aware of how to conduct themselves respectfully as any other human should. This is a weird thread. Lots of prejudice and not much balanced discussion. Which just perpetuates division, misunderstanding and cruelty.

I’m going down in flames for my comment - but come on ..anyone prepared to see a different way to discuss or think ?

The vast majority of humans are safe and know how to conduct themselves. Criminals aren't deterred by door signs. Why have any kind of single-sex or private spaces, we're all human.

The issue is its either single-sex or it isn't. You can't opt-out. Gay people arent expected to change with the opposite sex?

Things is a lot of the argument here is lumping all transform in one category of potentially abusive

Males as a sex class, however they identify, are more likely to be potentially abusive. That is why safeguarding procedures like single sex spaces are in place. Arguing that TWAW are literally women removes those safeguards. That's not prejudice - that's evidence and facts.

Women aren't prepared to be collateral damage.

@GroggyLegs

Ach, he doesn't think TWAW any more than you do! "He said that it's wrong to mistrust all MEN' 'Not normal 'MEN' obviously' comment. Disagreement with Laurel Hubbard rocking up at the Olympics.

He thinks TW are kind of 'not men' and sees women as 'not men' too - therefore we all being in one big shitty bucket of not being men together.
Also he's taking offence at the fact that while (sigh) it's not all men, but it is overwhelmingly usually men, who commit the rapes, abuse and violent crime and that's led to safeguarding. And that's not fair (stamps foot, pouts).

Boo fucking hoo.
I think Id find this misogyny more insulting than my DH genuinely thinking transwomen were actually women.

This in spades.

One of the rules of misogyny there, the worst thing about male violence is that it makes males look bad 😒

Also OP I'm afraid this has been picked up by the usual activists on twitter applauding your husband and slagging us all off 🙄

Things is a lot of the argument here is lumping all transform in one category of potentially abusive . I think it’s valid and fair to consider that many trans folk are safe and aware of how to conduct themselves respectfully as any other human should

No one sees all trans 'folk' as potential abusers.

With safeguarding, we know that there can be NO group that should be put above suspicion.
In order to protect women (females) and children, we must keep all adult males out of female only spaces.

The massive increase in sex offenders now saying they are trans shows how easily gender identity ideology can be exploited.the evidence is there. How can we have exemptions for a few males when the only requirement for claiming a trans identity is their word? The only option they want is the complete removal of all female protections in law to accommodate them. No.

Pretending that males who claim a 'gender identity' are all sweet and harmless and vulnerable is at best naivity and at worst stupidity. Males commit almost all sex related crimes against mostly female victims. No change of identity changes these stats.

Removing basic safeguarding measures in case it causes some males hurt feelings is absurd.

It must be so disappointing, op. My OH is interested in sports. I think this is where he sees the very strange way things have been allowed to go against women.

I think he may be a little prescient too. I showed him the races that the two athletes with XY DSD won in the Belgian Diamond women's races. He said one of them looked like they were holding back and then zoomed past the women competitors towards the line. He said it looked like their coach had said not to break any records on the first go. For the optics. I now see that one of the athletes has broken a record in a race in Zagreb.

Records marked as women's; which may be impossible for women's bodies to achieve.

Start identifying as a man, OP. Tell your husband that he should now consider himself in a homosexual relationship and to be a gay man himself - in fact always has been. Tell him you'll soon be taking T, growing a beard and having your breasts removed. Tell him if he rejects you or his new status, he is a transphobe. Tell all your friends. See how he enjoys that.

He did say that it's obviously not "normal" men who become trans women!

So he’s a misogynist and a transphobe then? How does he feel about gay men? Should they keep out of the men’s toilets because they’re not ‘real men’? His statement shows what he really thinks: he sees men as superior to women, and any male not being ‘manly’ enough clearly belongs with the women as lesser humans 🙄

I’d ask him why men like him can’t widen the bandwidth of what it means to be male. He clearly thinks a woman is some kind of inferior non-man that anyone can be.

My OH was not a TWAW but was oblivious to the actual issues here. What helped get him on board was to show him pictures of TW wrestling with women (sport), TW weight lifters, articles about TW getting a 'female only' women's refuge job and articles about TW being locked in a cell with females in prison. Talking about current discrimination (e.g. crash test dummies being 'male' - thereby making crashes more dangerous for women) helped too as he could see that using language which obscures these facts means we won't try and fix them. Once he saw what was actually really happening, he was appalled and (appropriately) worried about what this could mean for our DD. It may be that your DH is not bothered about female rights but my guess would be that it's more likely that he just hasn't bothered to really think through what's actually happening.

My Dh is naturally deeply suspicious and cynical of men generally and their motives and Instinctively supports women so he is automatically GC.

Plus he was livid when our “girls only” boundary for hosting foreign students was trampled over by a lad in eye shadow who shared a room (in our house) with his female classmate. Dh wanted a written statement from the girls parents that they weren’t going to sue us. Put us in breach of the single sex only for under 16 rule. Dh was furious

He disagreed with Laurel Hubbard competing against women. I thought I was getting somewhere with that argument, but it seems that I wasn't.

He's a bloody idiot then. IF TWAW, LH has as much right to compete against women as every other women. If he can't account for this discrepancy then I'd worry that he's losing his mental faculties TBH.