The use of the term 'trans widow'

[aibubaby]

I've found this term in poor taste ever since I saw it, and this article I've seen on Twitter is a great look at why.

rachelemoss.com/2021/06/24/a-letter-to-trans-widows-from-an-actual-widow/

Marriages end all the time because one spouse isn't who the other thought they were. It's sad or heartbreaking or difficult, and people have (obviously) got the right to grieve for a relationship which is no longer the same. But it isn't a death and it's thoughtless to describe it as though it is.

I am a transwidow and I feel the term is perfect. ExH states himself that his past is dead, and uses terms such as deadnaming. The term Transwidow reflects that the partner who changed identity feels themselves dead to the past.

Isnt it for those who are affected to decide?

Oh no I very much disagree with you.

And, I agree with pp that this is for those who have actually experienced this to decide.

Always thought that it's incredibly insensitive to people who are grieving the death of their spouse. I've found it very inconsistent with the GC worldview of language needing to be very precise.

Do you police all uses of the word widow? How about golf/football widow or widow's peak? Language is used in a variety of ways. I think it is apt in this context.

@Needmoresleep

Isnt it for those who are affected to decide?

Maybe. But if my husband cheated on me and our marriage ended I wouldn't refer to myself as an 'affair widow'. If our personalities dramatically changed as we got older and we were no longer compatible as romantic partners I wouldn't call myself a 'midlife crisis widow'. If he came out as a gay, I wouldn't call myself a 'gay widow'.

While finding out your partner is trans is a rather rarer experience than either of these things it falls under the broad and not unusual category of 'people are no longer compatible as spouses'.
Emotionally devastating, yes, but not a death.

If trans people can say their old name is a dead name then why can't their ex wife call themselves a trans widow? It seems that the males are allowed to use a term to do with death but not the females in your view.

Déjà vu -

Always thought that it's incredibly insensitive to people who are grieving the death of their spouse do you get equally pearl clutchy over 'golf widow' or "Scottish Widows" the bank that has zero to do with widows?

So is ''deadname'' offensive?

Say, a person tells their parents they can no longer use their birth name because that's a 'deadname'. Is that disrespectful to parents who are grieving for their children, or is it only a problem when women do it?

I'm an actual widow and am not offended by the term as I can completely understand how it feels like death.

Then you are not familiar with the concept of 'deadnaming'. TRA would argue that for all intents and purposes the previous man is dead, indeed that it is offensive to even acknowledge that former existance.

It is perfectly reasonable, in these circumstances, for a wife to feel widowed.

Your husband's affair is not an analogy.

Surely unless it's happened to you, its not for you to decide. Do you also object to the term "golf widow"? TRAs are always complaining if people don't use the pronouns that they prefer, so why can't you accept this is what people with actual lived experience want to call themselves. How does it actually harm you?

And yet the term dead name is absolutely fine.

I am very sorry for Rachel’s loss. It is devastating to lose a loved one to suicide, as far too many of us know.

But her grief doesn’t give her the right to dictate how other people perceive their world.

What would happen if the mother of someone who transitions objected to the term “dead name”? By rejecting their birth name, by saying that their mother’s perception of themself as the mother of a boy or a girl isn’t real and never happened and that that person is effectively dead- isn’t that similar? Would you say that trans people shouldn’t use the term dead name, because they’re not dead either and it’s disrespectful to the mothers of dead children?

I have no interest in policing how trans widows refer to themselves. Golf widows, turf widows and cycling widows all do the same and no one writes handwriting, shaming articles about how they have no idea how a widow feels. The stories I’ve read of husbands utterly destroying every shred of a marriage in pursuit of transition break my heart, and the grief must be overwhelming. Policing how people ought to describe how they feel is quite distasteful.

I did enjoy the wee dig at Mumsnet. Got to get that in!

I don't think it's for anyone else to decide how these women define their own experiences.

It's all about respecting peoples lived experiences, right?

Well, I spent too long typing and everybody else had already made my points!

@MrsSteveMcDonald

If trans people can say their old name is a dead name then why can't their ex wife call themselves a trans widow? It seems that the males are allowed to use a term to do with death but not the females in your view.

'Dead' refers to the name. 'Widow' implies the person is dead. Quite a difference, in my opinion.

Also, my point would still stand if it were a man referring to himself as a 'trans widower', so it's not about letting 'males' do anything that 'females' aren't allowed to do. It's just that I haven't seen any examples of that happening.

I think it's for the women involved to decide for themselves. It seems particularly absurd to object to this use of the word "widow" when the term is in very very widespread casual use for things like "golf widow", "football widow" and so on. In fact, to object to this one minor and very specific use would raise questions for me about your motivation.

Respectfully, I disagree. Only the ‘trans widows’ really know how it feels and they have the right to self describe. Should they start calling themselves ‘widows’, then I could understand confusion and anger from ‘real’ widows.

It is similar to accepting trans women describing themselves as such. They have the right to self describe. But I reserve the right to object if they call themselves women (or trans men calling themselves men, for that matter).

Always thought that it's incredibly insensitive to people who are grieving the death of their spouse. I've found it very inconsistent with the GC worldview of language needing to be very precise.

Transgender people treat their life before transition as dead. Hence the use of "dead name" They day their wives no longer have husbands and their children no longer have fathers, therefore it is quite appropriate that their wives should use the name trans widow as their spouse is metaphorically dead. By the way I am a widow and am not diminished in any way by this use of language.

@yourhairiswinterfire

So is ''deadname'' offensive?

Say, a person tells their parents they can no longer use their birth name because that's a 'deadname'. Is that disrespectful to parents who are grieving for their children, or is it only a problem when women do it?

If a person whose child was trans went round pretending their child was dead then yes, I would find that offensive.

YES US ACTUAL WIDOWS DO ALSO OBJECT TO GOLF WIDOW, CYCLING WIDOW etc. For people obsessed with inflexible dictionary definitions of women, you’re not very understanding of why actual recently bereaved women whose spouse has actually died might object to the term ‘widow’ being co-opted, are you?

I am a widow. It took DH a year from diagnosis til death. In the end he lost consciousness in his favourite chair and died in the ambulance. Our DC were 7 and 10. So the whole tragic thing.

I know I can only speak for myself but I am perfectly happy that trans widows use the phrase for themselves. It's very apt, in that the man they married has gone forever.

I feel they have it much harder than I did. The betrayal, the creepy sex stuff, the lying. It's like a friend who broke up with her DH while mine was dying. Extreme DV, an affair with her best friend - my friend hasn't a single memory of her marriage that isn't tainted.

Me? Well my DH adored me and our DC. 17 good years. The last year of his life was the best of our marriage. All the petty squabbles disappeared. All that remained was love.

It's a long time ago now. My DC are in their twenties. And I still smile every time I think of him.

I think trans widows should feel free to use the phrase. It makes sense, it's descriptive of reality.