The use of the term 'trans widow'

[aibubaby]

I've found this term in poor taste ever since I saw it, and this article I've seen on Twitter is a great look at why.

rachelemoss.com/2021/06/24/a-letter-to-trans-widows-from-an-actual-widow/

Marriages end all the time because one spouse isn't who the other thought they were. It's sad or heartbreaking or difficult, and people have (obviously) got the right to grieve for a relationship which is no longer the same. But it isn't a death and it's thoughtless to describe it as though it is.

TinselAngel’s had to leave Twitter temporarily because the Trans Widows’ Voices account was getting so much abuse - death threats even - following the recent article in the Telegraph.

@CavernousScream

YES US ACTUAL WIDOWS DO ALSO OBJECT TO GOLF WIDOW, CYCLING WIDOW etc. For people obsessed with inflexible dictionary definitions of women, you’re not very understanding of why actual recently bereaved women whose spouse has actually died might object to the term ‘widow’ being co-opted, are you?

Speak for yourself. AS you can see here, there are plenty of widows that have no issue with it at all.

I am sorry for Rachel’s pain, and the pain and loss of others here. It’s devastating to lose who you love.

However, I strongly disagree with her about the term trans widow. These women are having the narrative of their whole adult lives erased and rewritten! Not just a falling out of love, but an attempt to rewrite reality. What they are put through can be absolutely devastating, as articulate trans widows here described.

If that term best describes their ordeals, they are free to have it.

I have read some pretty terrifying stories of partners whose overwhelming desire to trans has led to a complete change in their personality and a marriage littered with abuse and violence. It's not all magic and rainbows or the wife just being awkward because their husband wants to wear a dress. If women see themselves as widows it is totally understandable.

@BuffysBigSister

Also, as far as I know, trans widows are not actually insisting they should be able to join meetings of bereaved women claiming they share the same experience, are they? They are not insisting that everyone else call them "widows". They are not asking for their legal documents to be changed to include the term, are they?

Hear hear to this.

I am another actual widow who has no objection to the term trans widows.

If, however, I was expected to chant "trans widows are widows" and acknowledge that they were the most marginalised and suffering of all widows, and should be centred in all discussions of bereavement (under threat of being called a literally violent bigot if I disagreed), I might change my mind...

I, like most others here, associate the term in response to trans people being able to use the terms 'dead name' and for the complete erasure of their life as a husband.

So I agree, if the term 'dead name' is acceptable, and transwoman/transman is acceptable, why is transwidow not acceptable.

I suggest you take the same approach with those using the term "golf widow" and "dead name" .

I read the replies to that tweet and saw support to transwidows from bereaved women too

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn

TinselAngel’s had to leave Twitter temporarily because the Trans Widows’ Voices account was getting so much abuse - death threats even - following the recent article in the Telegraph.

Oh my god. Disgusting.

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn

TinselAngel’s had to leave Twitter temporarily because the Trans Widows’ Voices account was getting so much abuse - death threats even - following the recent article in the Telegraph.

That’s awful.

How do you feel about that, OP? Thoughts?

Twitter scumbags.

Tinsel

Widow is a word that has a specific meaning, a meaning that cannot be allowed to change. Think of it like the word "woman".

Surely trans-widow and trans-woman are very similar if opposite terms. Both adopt an existing word with a very specific meaning (adult human female and wife whose husband has died, respectively) and added another word to it in order to suggest the comparison with the underlying word, whilst fully acknowledging that neither are the actual word because the entire meaning has been changed by the word added on the front. The former is not an actual widow nor is the latter an actual women, because if they were the "trans" word wouldn't be there.

A horse is a four legged, large mammal you can ride - a seahorse is not a horse at all, but it incorporates the word "horse" because of the superficial similarity, but the word sea is what completely changes the meaning and makes absolutely clear that we are not talking about horses at all.

Actually, thinking about it, it's a bit like trans-gender as well.

Gender is a series of sex based stereotypes and the related issues. Trans-gender is comparable to gender (the same stereotypes), but is actually very different. The addition of the word trans makes it clear that stereotypes are no longer sex-based (ie in the word trans-gender, gender doesn't literally mean the same thing as when gender is used alone, as the stereotypes are being attached to the opposite sex not the stereotypical sex as you would expect when using the word "gender")

Yes, what trans widows need after all the shite that's been dumped on them, is another steaming wheelbarrow.

What a beautiful, thoughtful, and considerate post @PrawnofthePatriarchy

I now have lovely thoughts thinking of you having lovely thoughts about your loving husband 💐💐❤️💐

"If, however, I was expected to chant "trans widows are widows" and acknowledge that they were the most marginalised and suffering of all widows, and should be centred in all discussions of bereavement (under threat of being called a literally violent bigot if I disagreed), I might change my mind..."

Extremely well put.

@yeahbutnaw

Always thought that it's incredibly insensitive to people who are grieving the death of their spouse. I've found it very inconsistent with the GC worldview of language needing to be very precise.

You have confused the meanings of precise and accurate. We care about using language which is accurate.

If you were a geeky cool statistician like me, you'd know that. Maybe a thesaurus would help??

Sophocles I don't know who TinselAngel is, but I obviously don't agree with anyone getting death threats on social media, that's disgusting.

Widow is a word that has a specific meaning, a meaning that cannot be allowed to change

IT has been used in this manner for hundreds of years. You're centuries too late for that objection.

If, however, I was expected to chant "trans widows are widows" and acknowledge that they were the most marginalised and suffering of all widows, and should be centred in all discussions of bereavement (under threat of being called a literally violent bigot if I disagreed), I might change my mind...

yes.

@Needmoresleep

Isnt it for those who are affected to decide?

yup and I say this as a "real" widow

@BuffysBigSister

Also, as far as I know, trans widows are not actually insisting they should be able to join meetings of bereaved women claiming they share the same experience, are they? They are not insisting that everyone else call them "widows". They are not asking for their legal documents to be changed to include the term, are they?

And they arent claiming life insurance and widow's pension. And they aren't the ones asking for documents to be retrospectively falsified.

@Kobayashi21

Widow is a word that has a specific meaning, a meaning that cannot be allowed to change

IT has been used in this manner for hundreds of years. You're centuries too late for that objection.

Did you read all of my post?

@aibubaby

Sophocles I don't know who TinselAngel is, but I obviously don't agree with anyone getting death threats on social media, that's disgusting.

She’s an extremely active and well thought of poster on this very board. Perhaps you should have done a bit more research and found out who you might be addressing before you piled in with this article and opinions?

She’ll probably see this thread and you will have added to her burden by scolding her and those like her at an already difficult time.

Shame you didn’t feel the same boundless compassion about her and the other trans widows on this board as you do about the widow who wrote that article, eh.

Yes, but it was rather stream of conciousness with little evident point.

It's clear there are plenty of actual widows here who have no objection to the term (and I'm very, very sorry for your losses ).

I am, thank god, not a widow, nor is my spouse trans and I absolutely wasn't attempting to tell all widows how to feel about a term - just sharing something I'd seen that showed an actual widow who did mind the term being used and whose point of view I agreed with.

But I posted in the genuine spirit of debate and there've been some interesting points made, especially the use of 'trans-' as a modifier to an existing noun which then changed the meaning. I hadn't thought about it in that way and I can see the point of its use in that sense, even if using 'widow' in that way doesn't necessarily sit right with me. But, as someone who is neither a widow nor has a trans spouse, my opinion is - obviously - not the one that matters and I appreciate the people who came and shared their own experiences.

@Kobayashi21

Yes, but it was rather stream of conciousness with little evident point.

It was very understandable and made a good point