Letter to the mother who bought my daughter a binder

[MnaWoman]

Did you do the research that I did when I told her no?
The research that shows that 97% of women who wear binders go on to have at least one negative complication. Did you believe her when she said she’d wear it correctly? Did the 97% also promise that they would wear out correctly?

Will you also buy her puberty blockers as she wants those too?
Will you take her to a doctor when she develops osteoporosis in her 20s? I developed it in my 40s after having a normal puberty. It’s part of my family’s medical history. When she develops one of the common side effects of puberty blockers like depression will you tell her that this odd what she wanted?

Will you buy her cross sex hormones as she wants those too?
And when she needs a prophylactic hysterectomy on her 20s in order to mitigate against the increased risk of cancer will you look after her while she recovers? And when she has a painful sex like due to vaginal atrophy will you tell her that you were just doing what she asked?

My daughter is 13.

I suspect the other mother is more likely unaware of the implications if it, but i think without talking to her you wont be able to know

@MnaWoman huge sympathies. Your DD is 13 - hardly old enough to understand her body and her emotions.

The woman who has acted so unethically is abusing your DD. If there is any way you can do so, can you stop her contact with your DD? I'm just shocked that someone feels she can do this to your DD without your permission or discussion with you. It's abuse.

Good luck, and hang in there.

I like the solicitor idea above ^^

I am transsexual having gone through full reassignment and being a trans child.

I also entirely agree with the OP. This is inappropriate in the extreme and borders on grooming.

At 13 years of age there are plenty of avenues open to explore her gender and find her path without committing to dangerous options.

I may have gone down a medicalised route as an adult but I am entirely satisfied that when I did I had exhausted all other options first!

If you'd like to private message me I would be more than happy to write a letter as an old school transsexual explaining in detail why this woman is seriously misguided to say the least.

This is definitely grounds for a safeguarding referrals, speak to local Children’s Services x

Poor you OP. This highlight the dilemma for parents when faced with adults who do not respect boundaries or child safeguarding and try to drive a wedge between children and their parents. Challenging this woman's dangerous act is difficult because your child in involved - just as it is for parents dealing with schools who illegally 'transition' children in secret from their parents.
I do think you need a conversation with the parent - if only to be clear that they are undermining your rights / ability to parent your child and putting health her at risk from the binder. I'd probably tell her that down the line you would support your child if she wants to take action against this adult for enabling her to undertake something so harmful while she is too young to understand the long term implications (and put it in writing). What isn't clear is what impact this action would have on your daughter and of course, protecting her is your prime concern.
I am so very sorry.

@BlueLipstickRocks

I am transsexual having gone through full reassignment and being a trans child.

I also entirely agree with the OP. This is inappropriate in the extreme and borders on grooming.

At 13 years of age there are plenty of avenues open to explore her gender and find her path without committing to dangerous options.

I may have gone down a medicalised route as an adult but I am entirely satisfied that when I did I had exhausted all other options first!

I’m glad you’re now happy. Thank you for your kind offer. I’ll keep it in mind

Un-fucking-believable. Not surprised you're furious!

This is horrifying to read

I mean, I know kids will get what they want one way or another if they are determined enough, but another mother providing things like this is disgusting.

I think you need to sit your dd down and explain everything you’ve just written in a calm manner.

She may understand why you’re so against it. She may not.

This letter needs to go to this interfering mother though

For those who wonder if this is an "anti-trans" thread, it reasons that you think "pro-trans" means causing permanent and debilitating physical damage to a growing child's body.

Seriously, listen to yourselves! If MN existed a thousand years ago in China, I imagine this would be a similar conversation-but instead of breasts, we'd be saying feet.

A thousand years of crippling women all began with a man who had a fetish with his concubine's small feet. Wake up!!!

For those who wonder if this is an "anti-trans" thread, it reasons that you think "pro-trans" means causing permanent and debilitating physical damage to a growing child's body.

Lest anyone think it's anti trans.,. I am trans and think it's absolutely disgraceful. Feel free to tell me I'm anti trans....

Im so sorry this is happening to your lovely family OP. If it was me I would struggle not to put the binder to a use it was not made for when confronting this woman.
Can you get someone else to speak to her? your DDs dad? someone like her will probably listen much more to a man.

and I agree with the posters pointing out how transphobic it is to push child abuse in the name of trans inclusion.

I am so sorry this level of interference has come to your family.

I agree, I am an HCP and have seen what happens to young female people who bind. It is not good for them and should not be allowed. It does not, categorically does not, solve any problems they have with their bodies.

Obesity amongst NB and transmen is higher than their peers. I have't seen research, because it seems there is a gap in looking at negative effects of transition, but my impression is they give up exercise at a young age because they can't breathe because binder. Plus, changing rooms, self conscious etc - but, there are trans friendly gym sessions and it is not the transmen who go, because they can't fucking breathe.

It is not ok to allow young people to become inactive. Especially if they are on cross sex hormones. It'll kill them. We know this. Waving a rainbow flag does not have a protective effect.

I am so sorry, this is going to be very difficult, but, if it was my kid, no way would there be a binder in my house. And I'd be making sure school were checking incase her helpful friend's mum was sending one in the pal's school bag for her to wear in school hours.

Absolutely outrageous.

So sorry to hear this has happened to you, OP. Hoping you have plenty of support to process it.

There's information on how to report someone for grooming here: www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/#report

Buying a 13yo underwear would be very wrong. Buying a 13yo something that is known to cause physical harm is very wrong. The woman who bought the binder is in this area, I would say.

As for your daughter ... I hope you can find ways to reconnect with her.

Did I read that correctly?
50 out of 1800 participants suffered a cracked rib? If so, that alone is outrageous.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I am so sorry this level of interference has come to your family.

I agree, I am an HCP and have seen what happens to young female people who bind. It is not good for them and should not be allowed. It does not, categorically does not, solve any problems they have with their bodies.

Obesity amongst NB and transmen is higher than their peers. I have't seen research, because it seems there is a gap in looking at negative effects of transition, but my impression is they give up exercise at a young age because they can't breathe because binder. Plus, changing rooms, self conscious etc - but, there are trans friendly gym sessions and it is not the transmen who go, because they can't fucking breathe.

It is not ok to allow young people to become inactive. Especially if they are on cross sex hormones. It'll kill them. We know this. Waving a rainbow flag does not have a protective effect.

I am so sorry, this is going to be very difficult, but, if it was my kid, no way would there be a binder in my house. And I'd be making sure school were checking incase her helpful friend's mum was sending one in the pal's school bag for her to wear in school hours.

Absolutely outrageous.

I really agree, my DD asked me to buy one for her. I've stalled her whilst I looked into it. Stalled again seeking professional help. Stalled again with a running bra,. I really need to measure DD properly.

Honestly, I'm out of my depth.

@CanIBeACurlyGirl

I told mine that id looked into it and the risks of permanent damage were too high. That she had a healthy body was strong and fit and thats how i wanted it to stay. That changing her name for school purposes was one thing, and id try and remember the pronouns but i am not allowing anything that risks permanent damage or affects ability to play sports etc.

With teens its about compromise. Its definitely a difficult balance at times

I'm so, so sorry OP.

I've attached an infographic on the dangers of binding, for anyone else reading. This isn't a benign, helpful choice. Not at all.

@MiddlesexGirl

Did I read that correctly? 50 out of 1800 participants suffered a cracked rib? If so, that alone is outrageous.

Yes. The link that I posted earlier is for purchase only to view. Here’s a free to view version. Table 3 (p17): queerdoc.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Binding-Health-Project-Results.pdf

Extract
“ Commercial binders were the binding method most consistently associated with negative health outcomes, possibly because such binders have the potential to provide more compression than other binding methods.

Sports bras, layering sports bras, and neoprene or athletic compression wear were the binding methods least commonly associated with negative outcomes, and therefore may be the safest options for binding.”

So sorry OP.

Give her a piece of your mind with a few witnesses to hear you. I had a terrifying conversation over the phone with a similar busy body and my mantra was ‘non of your bloody business. She is not your daughter.’

I know girls are advised by allies to send the binder to a friends house. There was a charity that did it for free a few years back. Not sure if they still do it. I’ll treat it as if it was drugs. Not under my roof. If found, bin it. She might still wear it out, you cannot police that, but she’ll know soon how bad it is. I would offer her the sensory limitation clothing they sell for autistic people. It’s a better option, similar to the sport bras suggested here.
It’s good to keep DD busy with outdoor activities even if just walking the dog.
💐💐

That mother is a disgrace. I hope you can get her to back off.

@catmothertes1

Is this another anti transgender thread?

No, this is about safeguarding children. HTH.