Letter to the mother who bought my daughter a binder

[MnaWoman]

Did you do the research that I did when I told her no?
The research that shows that 97% of women who wear binders go on to have at least one negative complication. Did you believe her when she said she’d wear it correctly? Did the 97% also promise that they would wear out correctly?

Will you also buy her puberty blockers as she wants those too?
Will you take her to a doctor when she develops osteoporosis in her 20s? I developed it in my 40s after having a normal puberty. It’s part of my family’s medical history. When she develops one of the common side effects of puberty blockers like depression will you tell her that this odd what she wanted?

Will you buy her cross sex hormones as she wants those too?
And when she needs a prophylactic hysterectomy on her 20s in order to mitigate against the increased risk of cancer will you look after her while she recovers? And when she has a painful sex like due to vaginal atrophy will you tell her that you were just doing what she asked?

My daughter is 13.

Unacceptable behaviour. Please tell her exactly what you've posted. She needs to think about the ramifications of affirmative 'being kind'.

I'm showing my ignorance - Sorry. What is a binder? Thanks xx

Maybe you should listen and try and support your daughter? Just a thought. She may be trans, she may not be but if she is there is literally nothing you can do to stop that no matter what your views on it. This woman wasn’t right in doing what she did but you don’t sound very supportive, which will only push your daughter away.

@Crispychillibeef

I think the fact that you're posting on this particular section of the Internet which is infamous for being anti-trans explains why your daughter has sought help elsewhere.

Not saying that she is justified, but you must not be very supportive of her.

Have you actually read the OP?

Or are you ignoring the details because you want to make a different point?

There is nothing wrong with advocating a watch and wait approach or to guard against any action that could cause irreversible changes in health.

It's fine if you disagree but it is not fine if you interfere and cause health issues in someone else's child because you consider your take on any issue to be superior.

I'd be beyond furious if anyone attempted to make decisions for or with my minor child behind my back and without my consent, so I definitely get it.

However, please take a deep breath, then realize you've got bigger issues here than dealing with the other mother.

I'd start with your daughter. She is apparently in a serious crisis here and obviously does not feel she can turn to you. This may be a passing thing or it may not but it is very real for your daughter right now. Suicide rate for trans kids is alarmingly high, for one thing.

Focusing on the other mother's overstepping instead of the reason your daughter turned to another mother instead of you in the first place would kinda prove the other woman's point, wouldn't it?

I'd take your child to a counselor who is knowledgeable about the issue ASAP, before doing another thing.

If your daughter feels she is heard by you and that you're on her side, she will find her way with far less confusion and pain and she will have no reason to turn to someone else's mother for help.

Outrageous!

And as for people saying this was posted in FWR because it is anti trans, BS. I would support my child either way, BUT, first, do no harm. 13 years old!

@Crispychillibeef

I think the fact that you're posting on this particular section of the Internet which is infamous for being anti-trans explains why your daughter has sought help elsewhere.

Not saying that she is justified, but you must not be very supportive of her.

'Supportive' isn't blindly cheerleading when your 13 year old wants to do something that has been shown to result in serious health issues. It's deeply irresponsible. Hell, letting a 13yo get a tattoo would less damaging to their body. OP, I would be bloody furious.

I think in your situation I would have lost it with that mother. Who does she think she is?

@Yaya26

I'm showing my ignorance - Sorry. What is a binder? Thanks xx

Before some smart arse comes along to say 'Google is your friend', a binder is a constrictive undergarment designed to flatten the breasts.

@ViciousJackdaw

As this mother hasn't just done this off her own back without prompting

Definitely not. Regardless of whether it is overstepping the mark or not, this woman has bought your DD a binder for a reason. My guess is that your DD has gone to her friends house and become very upset. Maybe she feels as though you don't take her seriously? I can remember being 13 - often feeling like my parents were against me. Perhaps her friends mother has gone all soft-hearted, not really knowing what a binder entails?

This needs understanding and careful handling rather than anger and outrage, else you risk pushing your DD further away.

This. Massive overstepping but your daughter is clearly very upset over the refusal to buy a binder (regardless of the reasoning).

Don’t eff and blind, there’s no point. To react furiously to your daughter or the mother will only make your daughter more secretive and isolate you from her further.

Let's not let this thread turn into yet another one about particular posters' opinions of the Women's Rights section of MN (as often happens when someone posts about how to support their children).

Does your child know, OP?

‘Anti-trans’ ffs. Why is being anti-bodily-harm supposedly ‘anti-trans’?

Suicide rate for trans kids is alarmingly high, for one thing.

What is your source for this? Because I’m sure it’s not true. TRA’s are known for threatening suicide when they can’t get what they want.

OP, I really feel for you. In my day, girls resorted to anorexia to try to halt the changes in their bodies. It’s almost like binding, etc is the new anorexia.

Is it possible to arrange some family counselling?

I’m so sorry, OP. My daughter has twice been provided with a binder from pupils in school. The first time she was 13 and an 18 year old trans identifying pupil “mentored” her and gave her one and the second time she was 15 and a younger trans identifying pupil gave it to her. She didn’t wear the first one, but she wore the second one and on the first day at school wearing it, was sent home with breathing difficulties/pain. The friend who provided it was rather excited in text messages about this- all, “of course it’s going to hurt! It’s worth it though!” There’s a lot of peer pressure around wearing one in order to “pass”, so be aware of that.

We then had a social worker involved and her view was that binders are completely inappropriate and physically harmful- was given the usual suggestions of baggy tops etc. We’ve explained to our daughter why we won’t allow one (physical risks) and she seems to have reluctantly accepted our concerns, but I do keep an eye out for any future use.

This is horrifying and the woman is massively overstepping. I’m so sorry.

She’s not being supportive to anyone, far less a 13 year old child.

I’m afraid under these circumstances I’d be banning his woman and her daughter from any further contact with my child. The NHS advocates watchful waiting, she has no right to interfere with your parenting.

The point is that OP has parental responsibility, not a random mother of a friend. I don't agree with lots of things other parents do,. It doesn't give me the right to overide their parenting. Particularly when it comes to health.

A binder is an item of clothing or strops of fabric designed to restrict growing breast tissue damaging it and prevent the breasts growing properly. They also restrict breathing preventing exercise or just breathing properly and have been known to break ribs. They are very harmful.

It’s interesting that this thread has attracted so many posters eager to tell the OP she’s unsupportive, binders are fine and to trot out the debunked a gazillion times bogus stats about suicide

All the threads on FWR and this is the one they choose...

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/growinguptransgender.com/2018/03/28/ukrcpsych-endorses-harmful-watchful-waiting-approach-for-trans-children/amp/

I do not agree with “watchful waiting!”

But nor do I condone what that lady did. The health risks alone, pain and discomfort while growing! Not on at all.

This mother is clearly the type that wants to be a friend and 'cool with the kids' rather than being a mother who wants to protect her child from harm.

She needs to be told to mind her own business and stop with the pandering in order to be popular.