What Would You Do If Your Child/Grand-Child/Beloved Nephew or Niece Told You They Were Sure They Were Trans?

[BilindaB]

They want to see a doctor and explore their options. How would you react? Let's say they are a teenager, but if you have personal experience of a child of any age telling you this, please share.

It would all depend on the person saying they were trans. Are they a confused teenager, going through a phase or trying to fit in with friends.

I would start with an open discussion about their thoughts and feelings. Find out how long they had been feeling like this.

I would support them best I could, help them access therapy and support and support their transition.

It would obviously not be as straightforward as this if I believed that they were unsure in their decision and just going through a phase or for attention.

If it was out of the blue I'd want to know why they think that.

DH has friends whose son started secondary school as a girl but it was no surprise. James had been wearing girls clothes at home throughout primary school.

Find a therapist who is willing to work openly and allow space and time for thorough exploration without any agenda. Most good private integrative/humanistic therapists will work in this way. Avoid NHS/CAMHS/gender identity clinics and services as they are obliged to immediately affirm the identity and set the young person on a narrow and irreversible path.

At this point you have to look at the odds. Given the low prevalence of gender dysphoria, compared to the massive prevalence of a huge amount of media stuff about trans, it's more likely to have come from the media stuff than to actually be innate gender dysphoria.

So it makes sense to be far more sceptical about such a statement in 2021 than in 1991. That's the result of the climate.

In 1991 it would be very unlikely to have been picked up from somewhere else and being used as a coping mechanism for some other real issue. Then people would have been more likely to latch on to other things like anorexia.

Just to emphasise the numbers. The Tavistock has seen a 4000% increase in referrals in girls over the last couple of decades.

It's implausible that that can be attributed to increased acceptance meaning more with gender dysphoria "coming out". There was no remotely similar effect for gays.

Even if you assume a HUGE multiple of five from an acceptance effect, there's 3600% increase remaining for which the best guess is social contagion.

Which leaves you with at least an 85% chance that any individual girl saying she's "trans" is part of the new social contagion cohort, and you need to dig down into what this is really about.

And even among the original cohort, it's not like every referral ended up transitioning - the majority of cases resolved on their own during puberty. At least until they started using puberty blockers.

So, get the child some therapy, try to keep them off the internet so they're not hanging around in pro-trans spaces (just as you wouldn't let them hang around pro-ana spaces), ensure they don't go down any path leading to puberty blockers, and then they can make their own decision as an adult.

I still think anorexia is the best comparator here - people figured out that it was necessary to clamp down hard on pro-ana for the sake of children. It's bizarre they can't see why pro-trans is the same problem. It's like they want to induce gender dysphoria. It is a real condition, but why do you want to induce it?

Just looking at Wikipedia:

Pro-ana organizations differ widely in their stances. Most claim that they exist mainly as a non-judgmental environment for anorexics; a place to turn to, to discuss their illness, and to support those who choose to enter recovery. Others deny anorexia nervosa is a mental illness and claim instead that it is a "lifestyle choice" that should be respected by doctors and family.

Quite similar, but the difference is:

Many medical professionals and some anorexics view pro-ana as a glamorization of a serious illness.

Pro-trans is glamorisation of a serious illness - gender dysphoria. But the medical professionals aren't calling it out.

And many, many children are being sucked in. (And adults, but at some point you have to let people make their own choices).

I'm sure this will be blindingly obvious to everyone in the medical profession in 20 years time, not just us, but if they could just hurry up figuring it out, that would be swell.

My DS told me this at 15. At first he said he was a transvestite, then it graduated to trans.

I knew very little about it all at that time. We went to Talking Changes and they referred us to GIDS, the waiting list was about a year and a half then.

We had about 2 years of appointments with them at the Tavistock, about 6 weeks apart. Luckily we had a therapist who knew what he was doing and asked useful questions which made my son analyse why he felt this way. (Unfortunately he left at the beginning of 2020 after 2 years, we were his first and last appointments!)

When DS turned 18 he was too old for GIDS and they said that if he wanted to go further he would be referred to the adult service which is immediate affirmation and a medical pathway.

That last appointment with GIDS was January 2020 and at that point my son wanted to get referred to the adult service, which has about a 6 months to a year waiting list.

Over lockdown he showed less interest on transitioning and early this year I asked him what he wanted to do. To my massive relief he has decided he no longer wants to transition.

So, to answer your question, I supported any decision he made but asked him relevant questions to make him really explore why he felt this way. We have always had a very close relationship, so I think that helped. He knew any questions or any doubts I had came from a place of love.

Basically I told him that it was up to him, but I thought he was perfect the way he was.

Wait and see. Ask questions without being intrusive. Remain calm

Also be careful with the idea of social contagion

I think it is true that the number who have genuinely been that way since early childhood is very small

But I do think there have always been a large number of children who begin to reject the gender impositions on them around the age of 9 onwards ) which seems forever and very innate at that age )

In the past we have found other ways to cope . Now trans is an option. They aren't doing it because others Are, they see others and realise they can choose that

I am not sure I am explaining this well.

So the discussion about why trans isn't the only way to go need to be more public

Me again.

Check out this interview with Aaron a Canadian therapist.

A good summary of why children might get sucked into this to start with, and why they might be ill-served by therapists they end up going to...

So i think that was the intention, it is just making [gender non-conformity] more socially acceptable. But when you now combine that with gender dysphoria I think it becomes a a rather dangerous sort of mix. So let me try this analogy and see if this kind of works to express my concern about this.

So if we had any other say philosophical movement or political movement. So let's say a new kind of semi-religious sort of movement popped up and maybe they thought that psychosis was somehow part of their spiritual beliefs. That psychosis has a certain social utility in this way of thinking, and so they maybe see that as you have this elevated social status if you experience psychotic symptoms, because that's proof of your religion - you're tapped into something more spiritual than those that aren't psychotic.

So if that group with that certain philosophical belief about psychosis took over the standard of care and the treatment of schizophrenia. So now that instead of schizophrenia being treated according to scientific medical principles, now that's shifting to what we see psychosis as being a very valuable thing, and so we're going to teach you, as someone who is psychotic, we're going to teach you our philosophical beliefs as a definition of what you're experiencing. And we're not really going to treat it with medication and stuff, because that's part of the old system that we don't really buy into, and so we're just going to kind of tell you that that what you're experiencing is a valuable thing, and a good thing and normalise that.

Benjamin: Well to take this a little bit further even going into schools and telling five-year-olds - are you psychotic? You might be psychotic! Here's some ways that you could be experiencing - do you get really angry at your friends and you imagine running them over with your dump truck? You might be psychotic!

Benjamin: You know so it's amazing how far actual the queer theory and then the promotion of gender dysphoria has gone especially in education.

Aaron: So i don't feel like the system of care is focused on treating and understanding gender dysphoria.

@risefromyourgrave thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like your experience of GIDS was quite helpful? Did your son ever want to change pronouns or his name?

But what would you do or say? I'd rather not have a wide-ranging discussion , just presenting a situation that anyone could find themselves in, and how they would handle it. Thanks.

I'm addressing NecessaryScene1 - I haven't got the hang of the quote feature yet.

My beloved niece did. She has since changed her name, had a double mastectomy and is on testosterone.

She's still precious. But now she sounds like a boy.

I don't have experience of a child telling me this, but I do have experience of teenagers telling me (as a parent) other things that are significant and may need professional help.

So, I think I would react in a similar way to those other things - listen to them, ask them some open questions about why they feel that way, how long they have been feeling like that, have they spoken to friends, have they been looking online at any particular sites.

If, after our conversation, they were sure that they still wanted to make an appointment with a doctor then I would make that appointment (helps that I trust our GP).

It would then be a case of taking one step at a time, but I would be comforted that no permanent/irreversible steps can be taken before age 18.

In the meantime I would continue to have conversations about sex and gender and what they mean, also discussions about how to be happy with their body and happy in their minds. Lots of general well being and TLC.

Has this happened to you OP? What would you do/say?

Exactly what Leafstamp said. Support, love, and realism.

I would use their new name but otherwise not make a big deal out of it - I wouldn't contradict them either, just act like it's no big deal, same as if they'd joined a church that I wasn't interested in. The endless conversations and fuss is a really big draw and I think it cements the identity whether they are being fawned over or fighting their corner. If you have a common ground or hobby with the child, I would go all in on that.

If someone had an eating disorder, it doesn't help to talk about food constantly, to keep weight as a huge deal in their minds, and gender is no different. If gender identity is treated a totally uninteresting thing about someone (which it is) I think it really helps move on to the actual interesting things about them.

I personally think that children who can pin their sense of who they are on other real things, such as being good at a sport or playing in a band or orchestra, are going to be less drawn to analysing their gender at length. This is definitely the case at my children's schools (one at a high school, one in a primary where even there, there are a good few trans and nb kids).

That’s a good point Alexa - re not making it into a big deal. It’s what I was getting at with the general well-being - teaching them how to live well and with confidence, and yes, hobbies and healthy interests are great for this.

@Leafstamp

I don't have experience of a child telling me this, but I do have experience of teenagers telling me (as a parent) other things that are significant and may need professional help.

So, I think I would react in a similar way to those other things - listen to them, ask them some open questions about why they feel that way, how long they have been feeling like that, have they spoken to friends, have they been looking online at any particular sites.

If, after our conversation, they were sure that they still wanted to make an appointment with a doctor then I would make that appointment (helps that I trust our GP).

It would then be a case of taking one step at a time, but I would be comforted that no permanent/irreversible steps can be taken before age 18.

In the meantime I would continue to have conversations about sex and gender and what they mean, also discussions about how to be happy with their body and happy in their minds. Lots of general well being and TLC.

Has this happened to you OP? What would you do/say?

No it hasn't happened to me, but I echo your approach. I'd tell them I'll love and support them whatever the future holds.

My niece and I briefly fell out about gender ideology, but we're now back to normal. I use her new name except when talking about her past.

This has happened to me.
It has been utterly heartbreaking and devastating. I had one child due to infertility issues. I will never have grandchildren.
I had no warning. He walked into the room after we came home from a long day of shopping, annouced he was trans, and I was so stunned, all I could say was "Okay," and after he said one or two more things he walked out.
In a week more he just waltzed on into PP and they gave him estrogen. He received no counseling. No diagnosis. (He is an adult so I have no say in this). All he had to do was claim dysphoria and ask.
Since the E began he has remained the same surly, unemployed, video game addicted young man he was before hand. He doesn't shower, but he does wear dresses and take a lot of selfies. After many months of prodding he finally is seeing a therapist but it has produced no change in his horrible, disrespectful behavior.
He has a boyfriend and some other friends who are totally respectful of the change and of course fixes himself up when he sees them. No one asks me how I feel about this. Everyone acts like this is just fine and normal. No one cares that my life is a horrible nightmare with a child who I wish I never gave birth to living in my house.

@MajesticWhine No, he was happy to be called his original name, although he was trying to think of what girl’s name he would like. The Tavistock asked before his appointment which pronouns he would like and he was happy with masculine pronouns.

Questions. Lots of questions. First question is "What exactly do you mean by that? Do you think you actually are the opposite sex, that you should be the opposite sex, or you just want people to treat you as if you're the opposite sex? Why?" Where we go from there depends on the answers to those questions.

Why do you ask, BilindaB?

Oldermum156
I'm in the same boat except my child is female. She went to a gender clinic rather than PP but it was just as quick and easy. No counseling, no questions and not even a blood test to check for preexisting conditions. After 20 minutes she walked out with 6 months worth of testosterone.

@Oldermum156

If your child hadn’t decided to transition would you feel the same? You state they are the same unemployed video game addicted person they were before, that doesn’t shower. Doesn’t sound like they were making much of a life as a son.

I would make sure that they had as much information as possible from ss many sources as possible and discuss s longer term plan to achieve where they wanted with appropriate counselling. If they came to me that is. I wouldn't agree to anything drastic before adulthood however.