What Would You Do If Your Child/Grand-Child/Beloved Nephew or Niece Told You They Were Sure They Were Trans?

[BilindaB]

They want to see a doctor and explore their options. How would you react? Let's say they are a teenager, but if you have personal experience of a child of any age telling you this, please share.

If one of my children said they were trans I’d be supportive, i love and adore my children that wouldn’t change obviously

Social changes such as clothes, hair, names pronouns etc would be fairly easy to do and when it came to medical changes we would research and discuss as much as possible.

Any big medical changes would probably be left til they were 18

Nephews and nieces again id be supportive but would obviously have nothing to do with any medical decisions

I think it's clear in my opening post this is a hypothetical situation.

Can't work out the quote feature, but someone mentioned that they'd aim for their future kids to be immune from this. I thought mine was, I did everything right in ignoring stereotypes, and she still fell into this rabbit hole.
Her argument is not that she's running away from anything, or believes girls can't be what they like, but that this is an innate part of her - she's always been a boy, it's just that the doctors misinterpreted her genitals as being a girl.
I love her, and support her of course. That means doing what I believe is in her best interests in the long term, which means not affirming her delusion.
Just bear in mind OP that if you're just asking a theoretical question, and you're not in the situation yourself, you'll never truly know what it feels like.

That was a response to

alexyyy Sun 30-May-21 05:50:11
''Are you saying that this isn't a real dilemma but you just wanted to see what people responded? So you took up my time and energy and thought for your own idle pleasure?''

...by the way. I can't seem to figure out how to quote people, is there a time limit on doing that?

''Just bear in mind OP that if you're just asking a theoretical question, and you're not in the situation yourself, you'll never truly know what it feels like.''

Oh I agree 100%. I've not been put in this situation, to answer another question I had no expectations about what response I'd get, and I hope it's informative and interesting for everyone. Nobody is attacking one person's approach. I'm listening and learning, even though I have my own ideas.

@midgedude

Also be careful with the idea of social contagion

I think it is true that the number who have genuinely been that way since early childhood is very small

But I do think there have always been a large number of children who begin to reject the gender impositions on them around the age of 9 onwards ) which seems forever and very innate at that age )

In the past we have found other ways to cope . Now trans is an option. They aren't doing it because others Are, they see others and realise they can choose that

I am not sure I am explaining this well.

So the discussion about why trans isn't the only way to go need to be more public

But I do think there have always been a large number of children who begin to reject the gender impositions on them around the age of 9 onwards ) which seems forever and very innate at that age )

In the past we have found other ways to cope . Now trans is an option. They aren't doing it because others Are, they see others and realise they can choose that

I agree a large number of children have rejected gender impositions. Most of them learned to cope. But the current choice offered is not a zero-sum game.

Choosing a medicalised trans pathway can result in irreversible changes including mastectomy, which might mean you are unable to breastfeed, or sterility which might mean you can’t have children at all. It can also mean you require artificial hormones for life, even if you detransition and can result in appalling side effects from botched cosmetic genital surgery.

So casually suggesting that the children who learned to cope might simply take a different pathway now is disingenuous. Easy to wreck your life taking a pathway that wasn’t a burning need, but more a casual whim.

@BilindaB

That was a response to

alexyyy Sun 30-May-21 05:50:11
''Are you saying that this isn't a real dilemma but you just wanted to see what people responded? So you took up my time and energy and thought for your own idle pleasure?''

...by the way. I can't seem to figure out how to quote people, is there a time limit on doing that?

If its the whole post you want to quote there should be a ‘quote’ option on the right hand side of the name of the poster

@BilindaB

I think it's clear in my opening post this is a hypothetical situation.

Obviously it wasn't clear to me and some others. Would you care to share your context around the question?

If its just a sentence use the copy function on your keyboard and put the quote in between two *

Obviously it wasn't clear to me and some others

No it wasn’t clear to me either

Felt a bit like a trap or the set up for a ‘gotcha’ and I don’t understand why its on the feminism board

But ive assumed the OP is asking in good faith and ive replied accordingly

The hypothetical situation also needs expanding. Has the child been expressing extreme distress in their body since a young age? Have they experienced and trauma or assault recently (which you may not be aware of). Could they be autistic or otherwise struggling to see how they fit with society? There is no 'one size fits all' answer to your hypothetical situation. Only a lot of very individual, and hugely personal experiences. I think this is why it feels painful. As you're not someone who's looking for support / struggling yourself. But instead saying 'what would you do if confronted by this really scary situation', when many of us have been.
Also don't know why on the feminist board!
OP maybe stick to reading the many already existing threads on how to people have reacted to these circumstances. Rather than getting us to dredge it all up for a hypothetical question.

I guess my aim would be to give them as much space as possible to grow up without pressure to identify as anything. So stick to mixed sex activities, encourage them to do what they like with personal style, use an opposite gender nickname if they want.
If it was my own child and I had responsibility, I would try to not socially transition in any official sense and certainly not medically transition as a child, while talking to them about those things as last resort solutions (and why they're a last resort) for when they're grown up so they know we would ultimately still love and support them whatever.
I couldn't lie to them that I suddenly believed in gendered souls, they already know I don't believe that. We talk about respect for other people's beliefs too, so I hope they know that if they subscribe to a different belief to me whether that's religion or gender, they still have my respect and love.

I second everything @FightingtheFoo said.

My 10 year old DD so far rather highly rates her existence as a girl so I’d be pretty stunned for one thing.

BilindaB
Check your privilege hon.

For a lot of us this isn't a fun hypothetical.

Hardcore feminist here. When my son asked me to come to a consult with his psychiatrist, I went. He said he was trans which came as a complete shock.

I found a psychologist who specialised in transgender issues and who worked with her to tease out what was going on. This took some months. Over the next few months she began wearing female clothes and began hormones. She saw a WPATH compliant psychiatrist who confirmed the gender dysphoria. She's changed her name.

She's currently on the waiting list for GRS which her father and I will be paying for.

I am quite certain that if we had not provided this support, she'd be dead. It's not as easy as some of you on this board appear to think to completely change your child's mind. I'd rather have a trans daughter than a dead son.

It's an immensely serious hypothetical, obviously. I have two teenage children, it's not out of the question I will have to deal with such a situation - although both have said they don't feel at all trans.

@BilindaB

It's an immensely serious hypothetical, obviously. I have two teenage children, it's not out of the question I will have to deal with such a situation - although both have said they don't feel at all trans.

If they don’t feel trans then you won’t be dealing with the situation...

I still don't understand why you want to know OP.

If its an immensely serious question why don’t you start a thread in aibu or chat as well

You’ll get a much wider range of responses

the discussion about why trans isn't the only way to go need to be more public

This x 1000

I am not "anti-trans", whatever that means. I'm pro humans.

I just can't believe that nature gets it so wrong so often that it should come to be usual to "fix" people's gender presentation with cross-sex hormones and surgery. This need to be perceived as the opposite sex has got to be a social problem, a rational reaction to the irrational social construction of gender in the first place.

That's what we need to be looking at, but that's what trans orthodoxy simply will not countenance. We are only allowed to challenge gender in its applicability or not to individuals, not as a flawed concept in the first place. There are some huge contradictions at the heart of the current trans orthodoxy but we are not allowed (by social pressure and threat of cancellation) to question them publicly.

Meanwhile this damaging orthodoxy is being presented as the only way to support people who reject the gendered social roles that are imposed upon them.

If they don’t feel trans then you won’t be dealing with the situation...

I also have younger nephews and nieces. I haven't asked them about trans issues.

@LovelaceBiggWither

Hardcore feminist here. When my son asked me to come to a consult with his psychiatrist, I went. He said he was trans which came as a complete shock.

I found a psychologist who specialised in transgender issues and who worked with her to tease out what was going on. This took some months. Over the next few months she began wearing female clothes and began hormones. She saw a WPATH compliant psychiatrist who confirmed the gender dysphoria. She's changed her name.

She's currently on the waiting list for GRS which her father and I will be paying for.

I am quite certain that if we had not provided this support, she'd be dead. It's not as easy as some of you on this board appear to think to completely change your child's mind. I'd rather have a trans daughter than a dead son.

That last sentence is not ok. You don't know that. You don't know other children. Projecting your journey onto other parents is not ok. Projecting your childs journey onto other children is not ok. Blackmail with suicide is not ok. Your statements fail on all accounts.

Trans ideology: the only ideology that is against therapy and mental support

You still haven't answered my question @BilindaB

Assuming my son comes to me at some point in the future to tell me he thinks he’s trans, I’d have the following discussion.

First- I’d talk about my own history with gender confusion and how it affected me through my life. Recently the percentage of people whose feelings desist are being totally ignored. I would talk about my own experience.

Then if he was still sure, I would make sure he had a realistic understanding of what transition actually involves. There is so much misinformation out there these days, I’ve seen people who think your DNA changes and think uterus transplants are possible into trans women. He would need to understand what is realistic to expect and go into it with his eyes completely open.

Then if he was still sure I would probably arrange for him to see a therapist who would approach it with an open mind.
I will always support my son, even if he believes in something I don’t, but I would want to cause the least amount of harm.

I think that’s reasonable.

@FightingtheFoo

You still haven't answered my question *@BilindaB*

I'm not obliged to. But ok, it's a very flawed analogy imo.