Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

@socialworker222

Blimey scot that's an unusual one. Are you leaving because you are a gender-critical feminist? If so you could post straight onto FWR where people discuss those kinds of disagreements with colleagues/friends/family members. I imagine if your reason for leaving him are known, you're facing accusations of transphobia. So you are likely to find other people with similar impacts on their relationships there rather than being hidden in TWEC.

socialworker222: Thanks for the response.

Yes, I'm gender critical. It's been a bit of a process which kicked off with all the changes happening in Scotland. I discovered that he was fully onboard with TWAW and all that goes with it. I did post on FWR at the time because he was telling me that if I refused an intimate examination by a TW when I'd requested a female then I was basically a racist.

He tells me he doesn't agree with some of the things that are happening and thinks that a lot of it is exaggerated for effect. Basically I'm paranoid. I'm also a bigot, a TERF and people like me will be taken for a man (double mastectomy) so I should be more accepting.

Yes I do think there's more to come out as he likes dressing up and I don't want to be around to see it. I have no respect left for him but I don't have the money to leave and my health is bad. Oh, and he's also decided he's bisexual.

I'm not sure I can stay till he retires but I can't afford to leave yet either.

Oh, and he campaigns for the removal of sex based rights as per Stonewall.

@themiserychick seems like your 4 year old is more logical than many adults. Mine has interesting interactions with their dad as well.

@talkingdeadscot it sounds very difficult. From your second post also seems that you have a feeling you are not compatible with him at this vocal TRA stage and that from what you describe it may not be long before you are a TW if you remain married.

@themiserychick- as we would say in my circles, "And a little child shall lead them." I love that a four-year-old gets it.

Divorce was filed today. Friends keep asking me how I feel. I am not feeling much of anything. Just numb.

@talkingdeadscot

Oh, and he campaigns for the removal of sex based rights as per Stonewall.

TalkingDeadScot I think you should trust your gut and that he's on that stunning and brave journey already and there is more to come. He's campaigning for himself.

@SouthernTW, I hope you'll start to feel better soon. I think you'll likely have a long healing journey ahead, but you're starting on that now.

@talkingdeadscot, ditto on the sad thought that you may be at the very beginning of the same "stunning and brave" road that so many of us have been on. Or just a more typical road towards divorce, because if he no longer respects you and is calling you a bigot, etc., that's possibly the beginning of the end. Do you have a therapist or counselor you can talk to about this situation?

He's campaigning for himself.

I would agree with this. It tends not to be altruistic.

He's campaigning for himself. There is such self-centredness in all this. My ex now declares a keen interest in 'feminism' having done nothing to help that cause previously ( for him women wear skirts and bake and that seems to be it ).
southern the divorce part is awful, but I hope you feels it's progress however little you wanted it.

It's queer theory feminism not the liberation of women and girls from patriarchy, so it's in their interests to advocate for it.

I've observed a disproportionate amount of support for "sex work" which I can't help thinking is often fuelled by fantasy and wish fulfilment.

Relevant thread on the Relationships board:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4263164-autogynaephilia-what-am-i-getting-into-and-where-will-it-end

I left an online divorce support group for women because some "nonbinary" individual (biological female) stirred the pot by asking for "inclusive language" to be used. That led to a discussion of allowing in transwomen and TWAW. I don't understand why women's same sex spaces cannot be respected. Sigh. It was actually a helpful group.

sigh Someone's been drinking the Kool-aid, as the Yanks would say...

More power to you ladies.

I'm glad Oldermum that you at least can discreetly access online support and writings about this. I'm sorry you're having to tread around like this.

Agree Southern. But it seems the tide is turning looking at other FWR boards, Stonewall and all that. It is wearying. But I have through my experiences discovered just how many people are sceptical and supportive but, like me, keep their mouths shut at work, or around people looking to bully, dominate or suppress any discussion about some of these realities.

Yes, I am hopeful the Forstater ruling will have some impact on the level of crazy. What is the person on the street reaction (as opposed to what I read on Twitter and publications) to it?

Just spotted on twitter that the Trans Widows response to the Select Committee has been published. That was you wasn't it @TinselAngel? You've done a great job there.

Popping over to say Well Done, Trans Widows' Voices on your evidence to the committee and how, in these days of zoom, IT and tech beyond belief they couldn't arrange private evidence giving is beyond me. Your evidence is striking on paper: it would be even more so in person.

So glad to hear about the Forstater ruling, hopefully it's a sign of the culture returning to a bit more sense and balance.

Will be interesting what bearing this has on academia, as many gender critical academics are being bullied and/or silenced.

medium.com/@kathleenstock/are-academics-freely-able-to-criticise-the-idea-of-gender-identity-in-uk-universities-67b97c6e04be

I post this here because one of the most frustrating things I dealt with when going through the abuse and escalation was that I felt the feminist community I had so loved just dropped me when I didn't 'toe the party line'. But I think quite a bit of that perception was that the academics I would have looked to for guidance weren't free to speak. The lived reality of that is that I felt I had no support.

Strange times indeed when feminists can't/won't protect women, domestic abuse survivors or women's spaces.

@GAHgamel

Just spotted on twitter that the Trans Widows response to the Select Committee has been published. That was you wasn't it *@TinselAngel*? You've done a great job there.

It's wonderful! Thank you Tinsel!

@Bunshine

So glad to hear about the Forstater ruling, hopefully it's a sign of the culture returning to a bit more sense and balance.

Will be interesting what bearing this has on academia, as many gender critical academics are being bullied and/or silenced.

medium.com/@kathleenstock/are-academics-freely-able-to-criticise-the-idea-of-gender-identity-in-uk-universities-67b97c6e04be

I post this here because one of the most frustrating things I dealt with when going through the abuse and escalation was that I felt the feminist community I had so loved just dropped me when I didn't 'toe the party line'. But I think quite a bit of that perception was that the academics I would have looked to for guidance weren't free to speak. The lived reality of that is that I felt I had no support.

Strange times indeed when feminists can't/won't protect women, domestic abuse survivors or women's spaces.

Those of us who work in public sector areas such as health, education and social care have been absolutely and totally muted and cannot publicly support other women either. We have seen what happened to Maya and so many others.

Despite our own very similar lived experience of domestic abuse, gaslighting and coercion and control by late transitioning husbands, it is STILL not acceptable for us to speak our truth without losing our careers and friendships and risk a visit from the police. Maya may have won her case but she's still receiving abuse across the board.

I think my "partner" really wants to "come out", but he's scared of the whatever fall out may happen because of it. He sent me a message saying how scared he is, which makes me apprehensive that he'll announce suddenly in public or something. I'm very much conflict avoidant, so I'm reluctant to bring it up with him until I'm ready. I have a plan, which involves me gaining full time employment and moving out of my parents place, and not taking him with me not just because he's trans, but also because of his long term unemployment. If he comes out before that happens, then I'll have to deal with everything on his terms, because I very much do not want to pretend I'm happy or supportive of his transition. I don't want to have to break up and have him all depressed and upset and have to deal with my parents as well. Maybe it'll all turn out to be nothing.

I'm glad women here are pleased with the Select Committee evidence. I thought long and hard about whether to refer directly to these threads or not and in the end decided that the advantages of doing so outweighed the potential disadvantages, so I hope that turns out to be the right decision.

themiserychick you are in very stressful position right now and must feel like you have no control over what happens to your family. It's a feeling I remember very well and you have my sympathy

@TinselAngel The document is brilliant, thank you so much for putting it together.