Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

To be fair to my son, he’s made it very clear all round that he still wants to be a big part of his children’s lives. I very much want to see my grandchildren and to achieve this I will have to see him regularly as well. That’s the hard part but I shall put my big girl pants on and be strong. That’s the plan anyway.

Is there anything these men share in common in the way of early experiences that may relate to the onset of this fetishistic compulsion/dillusional state of mind?

There’s absolutely nothing in my son’s past that could in any way account for his current state and believe me, I’ve thought about it endlessly. In some respects, I have wished there was something and then the life shattering announcement he made wouldn’t have been such a shock. I have a recurring theme of shock, when I think about the situation.

Big L you've had some great advice. A lot of partners understand the hope that this is an illness/addiction that can be cured and the original person restored. You have to decide whether to wait for that to happen, get him or both of you to get some help, or whether you are wasting your time by staying. If he doesn't really want this and wants to get help, you might want to see signs of him taking action. I'd worry that he is trying to tie you in with suggestions that he is ill and can't manage this himself. Maybe you should set some boundaries about sex, and your involvement in his behaviour so that you protect yourself, and have a private deadline at which point you consider making plans to leave. And as usual I'd encourage you to find out your rights financially and legally so that you have some background plans in place if you do decide to leave. If it all turns out okay, you've lost nothing, but most on these threads sadly have not seen these situations reverse. Good luck.

Great advice from ClogLady on this Cholumenosoapy. Sorry to hear you've had such devastating news. The ripples around a family are profound and long-lasting, and little-recognized by the outside world busy celebrating the authentic brave person at the centre.
You've done a really good job of not taking his side, reaching out to your DIL, and being open and direct. My MIL was not, and continues to pretend nothing really significant happened to my family, which has alienated me from her. Financial help and an even-handed empathy will stand you in good stead, but you can only wait as your DIL will be going through hell, and keep reiterating those kind messages to her.
It must be very upsetting for you with grandchildren. It's good you're putting in place some boundaries with your son, and I hope you benefit from getting some support yourself as this is a major loss with many elements, for you.

Thanks @socialworker222 your words give me comfort.

Cholumenosoapy · Today 13:55
There’s absolutely nothing in my son’s past that could in any way account for his current state and believe me, I’ve thought about it endlessly. In some respects, I have wished there was something and then the life shattering announcement he made wouldn’t have been such a shock. I have a recurring theme of shock, when I think about the situation.

I am so sorry, Cholumensoapy it must be so very difficult.

Thanks so much for the support on this thread. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. ❤️

It's so important to know you are not on your own💐

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12211923/How-HUSBAND-WOMAN-25-years-marriage-caught-wearing-knickers.html

Sympathetic article in the Mail today.

How my husband became a woman … www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4831477-how-my-husband-became-a-woman

No offense @Cholumenosoapy but this shock and sadness is why your DIL won't talk to you.

No matter how hard it is for you, it's 10000% harder for her. Your child's announcement doesn't change your role of "mother" in society's age --it doesn't fundamentally challenge the way your self-identity. Your DIL has had her self-image shattered and likely dealt/is dealing with massive amounts of emotional abuse and turmoil. On top of all that, she needs to rebuild her life, reimagine her future and be strong for 3 little kids. She can't be your support and sounding board on top of that.

I was widowed by death before I ended up in this situation, and I needed to cut ties with my inlaws because I couldnt handle them wallowing when I just needed to push through. I promise, as soon as you talk about your feelings or ask about hers she wants to scream and rum for hhe hills.

Give her space. Build your own support network. Get therapy. Then, when you've really dealt with it (if you do/can) approach her/the grandkids neutrally and not seeking mutual support and commiseration from someone who is likely barely holding herselx together.

Thanks, definitely none taken. It’s very good advice.

I’m briefly de-lurking to say 2 things.

Firstly that there are many of us here who don’t comment because it’s not our place to but we read the threads, your experiences, and we are all here behind you completely in this.

Secondly to BigL please be really careful if you still have sex with him and he is having penetrative sex with male partners. Syphilis and Gonorrhoea are increasingly common in men who have sex with men and a significant number of those don’t identify as gay men so don’t come forward for testing or consider themselves at risk.

He won’t be thinking of your health in all this so please protect yourself.

There’s a recurring theme on the forums for parents. Many parents say their child is bright and on the autistic spectrum. I’ve read that there is some evidence to show a link between gender dysphoria and autism, and that autistic people may be more likely than other people to have gender dysphoria.

I’ve just had a sleepless night mulling everything over. When something like this happens in your family, there’s no manual to refer to. What’s more your shocked state prevents you from thinking clearly. Having said that, I’ve known all along that whatever I’m feeling, it’s far, far worse, for my DIL. I remember saying how much she’s lost in terms of her whole life, what she thought she had, wasn’t real, her wedding day was meaningless, her life plans shattered, her family in shreds, her identity as a woman and wife, all gone because of him. I’ve felt dreadfully guilty that I produced someone who could behave like this. He’s behaved so arrogantly towards her and his birth family.

Thank you for allowing me to post on your thread I’m getting clarity and a deeper understanding.

My heart is in pieces for all you trans widows out there. 💔

Well yes but it's not a competition. At least we can leave them. Parents and children are stuck with it.

Indeed @TinselAngel . My challenge now is keeping my grandchildren in my life and having to see their father.

The experience of AngeredAndConfused doesn't represent everyone's though. Some DILs would be glad of the mutual "wallowing" maybe not immediately but once the shock has passed it can be a comfort to process what's gone on with someone else so upset by it. You sound like a lovely MIL @Cholumenosoapy I'm so sorry this has happened to your family.

Thank you so much @WTF475878237NC .

Agree WTF475878237NC. You have very much done the right thing Cholumenosoapy by acknowledging some of the reality of the situation and not trying to get your DiL to stay with your son. My ex in-laws wanted me to stay and never addressed the grief and pain I and my children might be feeling, which I found unforgivable. So I would remain in gentle contact with her and your grandchildren without pressure, and bide your time.

Thanks @socialworker222 .

It’s all been a complete nightmare, quite honestly. However, I have to do what’s right and see my son, so I can see my grandchildren. They aren’t to blame for any of this mess. Best foot forward. Thanks everyone for letting me post, it’s definitely helped me. 🌻🌻🌻

10 years today since I left my ex.

I'll toast you (it's just the right time here in the US). Thank you for all your work on our behalf since the time.