Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

@TinselAngel sorry, I no longer live with him but he doesn't live far from us. Two of my children are quite young and at the moment there is no-one else who can supervise for me, My eldest son I guess could as he is in his twenties but I didn't want to involve him in that way.

@TinselAngel just to add..I felt very unsupported until quite recently because I couldn't talk to my mum and I needed her more than ever but things in the past few weeks have gradually got better on that front. No-one really understands though unless they are or have been through this I think. Also, it is not something that you really want to talk about...I find most people don't know how to deal with it.

I just think it's very hard on you to have to do it and will give him opportunities to manipulate you and vastly increase your stress. Your own mental health will be best served by having as little contact with him as possible and as your child's main carer you need to prioritise your own mental health.

Given how unstable he is I wonder if a contact centre would be an option, although it's not something that I know much about.

@TinselAngel My mental health is surprisingly stable considering because of my love for my children. I have to be here for them although there have been very dark days for me. I keep asking him to seek help but not sure if he actually has.

We all love our children but this experience still takes its toll

@TinselAngel yes, I know and it has. I've had terrible moments, I'm just saying that my children are the reason I am still walking through the fire. Like many others who are suffering too.

@TinselAngel , thank you so much for talking to me...it has really helped and to everyone else who has reached out to me.

Name changed for obvious reasons. Can any of you brave women give me some advice please? I’m a mother of a 45 year old man, who is married with three young children. He’s just announced that he has gender dysphoria and his marriage is over. No sign ever before now and he’s only just thought of it. He’s intent on pursuing this, he has referral to an NHS gender clinic and he’s telling everyone. His three children are next in line to be told.

I’ve pleaded with him to slow down and to hold off from telling the children. They are going to have enough to deal with with their parents splitting up.

Everything I’ve said has fallen on deaf ears. I don’t believe he’s a woman, I think he’s sick. He’s had a go at gaslighting me but I’m aware. He’s ordered me to cease any sort of contact about this, with him or his wife as apparently, I’m distressing them. I’m heartbroken for his wife and children. What, if anything, can I do?

Have you spoken to his wife about it? What does she think?

Cholumenosoapy, I really wouldn’t take his word that his wife doesn’t want to talk about it. You need to hear that directly from her, or that could just be contributing to her isolation
💐 this must be very hard for all of you

I texted her and said he’s told me to not contact her. I asked her to let me know if this was what she wanted. I haven’t had a reply. I’m left wondering whether he’s checking her phone, whether she’s scared of him, whether she’s onboard with it all???

I have spoken to her briefly, he was around, and she said she’s asked him to move out but he’s not happy.

The best thing for you to do for his wife might be to support/ encourage him to move out if that is what she wants. Can he stay with you? Can you lend him money to get his own flat?

His transition is likely to progress quickly. There's little you can do about it but you could help to facilitate him not doing it whilst living in the same house as his children.

What other support does she have? When I was in this situation I ended up telling my ex in laws they should support their son rather than me, but I had the support of my own family and friends. They did this, but we stayed friendly as they were sympathetic to my position too.

Thanks very much for your replies.

I also would recommend adding your voice to his wife's that he leave the house. And once he does, do whatever you can to support your daughter in law and grandchildren (I don't mean financially, although if you can do that, and they need it, that would be appreciated, I'm sure; transitioning men are selfish spendthrifts who in their pink fog have no trouble stinting their families).

I don't think you have to give your son house space in your own home; what he's going to be doing is going to be traumatic for you as well. But if in order for him to vacate his marital home he needs help with rent, and you can, you can do that and see it as helping his wife and children.

So sorry. This is hell for all concerned.

@Cholumenosoapy This is happening to me, I don't know what the answers are because its a unbelievable situation, for me its hell but one thing I didn't get for a period of time was support. My mum got very ill because of what my husband has done to me, she couldn't cope with the heart break she saw and there was a time I could even talk to her with out her breaking down and it was at that time that I was in my darkest place...So all I do know is, if you can, Just be there. Be someone who your daughter-in-law can come to for support and your grandchildren. It sounds like that is exactly what you are trying to do. Be strong and I wish you a way out of the darkness.

Thank you @womanundone . I’m so sorry you are going through this hell. It’s definitely felt like the worst nightmare I could have and one that never stops. I’m so sorry your mum is poorly. I completely understand.

My son is clearly annoyed with me because I’m struggling with it. I think he’s naïve to say the least. Did he really expect his family to not be shocked? Never have any of us thought he was anything but male. He’s very masculine looking and there’s nothing about him, whatsoever, that’s womanly.

I feel so upset for my DIL and their three dear children. My feelings about my son have been like a rollercoaster.

The very worst rollercoaster. One minute I feel love for him and deep concern, the next I’m angry with him for ruining so many lives. I feel guilty because he’s my bloody son. I don’t think she’s told her parents yet. They will be devastated.

@Cholumenosoapy Please feel free to PM message me if you ever need to talk. It really helps to speak to people who are in this rotten post through no fault of their own. I wish my mother in law was like you...mine hasn't even asked how I am coping. I don't know what to say other than I understand, because my mum has suffered terribly, trying to deal with it and seeing me heartbroken and my 3 children. I wish you the best.

I've often thought that in many ways, wives have it easier than mothers because we can leave whereas you're stuck with them

@Cholumenosoapy I meant boat not post