Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

Shannon Thrace and Christine Benvenuto have both written books.

There's also the women stories on the TWV website

www.transwidowsvoices.org/our-voices

And other resources

www.transwidowsvoices.org/useful-resources

Yes, I'm sorry. I forgot the obvious website for Transwidows. And there will be a film from Vaishnavi Sundar on "Transwidows" to be premiered early next year. She is the writer/producer/director of "Dysphoric - Fleeing womanhood like a house on fire" (about troubled girls and young women, so-called "Transmen").

Interesting interview with Ray Blanchard and what formerly was the Straight Spouse Network. Blanchard's descriptions of Autogynephilia 100% tally with the experiences of trans widows

ourpath.org/ourpath_podcast/s5-ep-9-what-is-autogynephilia-with-dr-ray-blanchard/

Kristin, the interviewer, goes over Dr Blanchard's main area: the definitions of homosexual vs heterosexual transsexual. The latter is AGP. She leaves right to the end a very, very small nod to the emotional turmoil of the transwidows. In fact they didn't tackle at all the gas-lighting, the taunting and tormenting! So disappointing on a website aimed at the straight partners of marriages which break up due to homo or trans- sexualism. I wrote some comments underneath. Thank you, TinselAngel, for posting this link.

I suppose that's not Blanchard's area of expertise.

They have interviewed trans widows for the podcast, including me.

@Scientistranswidow I've not been there is quite a while but when I was on their forums for a while my impression became it trending to being for helping the straight spouse just "make it work" and less of supporting when the relationship breaks up. Certainly support for the breakups existed but kept feeling too much of push for "make it work anyways" and stopped visiting.

I don't agree with the Straight Spouse Network/ Our Path approach in general either, because its basis is that it's prejudice and stigma that causes gay/ trans identifying men to stay in the closet and get married and that the way to prevent all this is to be nicer to them so they don't feel so stigmatised.

That's not my approach (clearly!) which is why TWV/ Escape Committee is about helping women to leave.

I did an interview with them ages ago before I'd fully grasped that this was their basis

Although I now recall that I did it just after the website had launched in order to reach the "Straight Spouse" constituency so that was a valid reason.

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy Christmas. Whatever your circumstances (escaped, thinking about options, planning, having to stay, worried), there is enduring support and advice here and I think of everyone today (sorry am in UK) and how particularly difficult days like this can be when you are going through these disasters. I remember crying in the kitchen on my own the first Christmas, when my soon-to-be ex had visited the kids, given them crap presents (spending a lot on himself at that time) and spent most of his visit receiving messages on his phone. But a good few years on I'm here with my adult children, at peace, with the shadow of a hole in our lives, but having managed to repair it, survive, and move on. Lots of you are in horrible situations this year but I hope and believe it will get better. Hang on on there and happy Christmas.❤

@socialworker222

Thank you for your thoughts for those of us affected by this matter. Yesterday, meeting up with family (all of whom are unaware) just highlighted to me how complex and multilayered this whole issue is as regards the network of relationships we all build up over the years. In my case, as my husband doesn't want to be outed nor for our marriage to end, I am feeling so isolated but I do recognise I've got choices...just the difficulty of choosing the least painful way forward for all including the children. That's the task for 2023!

Thanks to Banoffeepie21 for directing me to this thread. I have recently been thrown into this nightmare situation with no support what so ever. All the support and sympathies go toward him and I am in a very bad place emotionally. I'm trying my best to stay focused on my children but I'm heartbroken. Is there anyone else who feels the same? Who would like to connect for emotional support?

I will connect with you. Tell me more. Tell me a bit about what has happened, and - because I am a practical woman - whether your financial situation is OK at the moment.
This is the worst time now. It will get better because you have taken the first step: trying to find help.
With love and best wishes
Una (Twitter AT STranswidows - please "translate" into T language)

@womanundone

Glad you've found somewhere to talk. Hope you're ok. There are so many differing variations of the position woman find themselves in within discovering your partner doesn't identify with the gender you thought they were. But whether your partner/husband is now outwardly wanting to change his gender identity in public or keep it a secret thing ( like mine) I'm sure you'll find support here. You must listen to your instinct and respect your own boundaries...I can't personally get my head around a physical relationship with a man who I've recently discovered has always believed he's a woman from childhood and cross dresses in private. I've made those boundaries clear and they are respecting them currently. Feel free to PM me if helpful. There are a few support groups...

Scientistranswidow thank you for your reply. I married my husband 28 years ago, we have three children together. Mid July last year he just decided to tell me he is a trans woman and has always known this from a young age...I was totally unaware. This person has hidden behind me and stolen my life. I am so hurt and angry...so many years he could have said something...why have three children just to leave them now? The selfishness is unbelievable. He still wants a relationship but as much as I love the man I married, I do not love this deceitful person that I don't know. He has self harmed because he cannot handle the guilt of what he has done to my life, our children life. We were business partners too so now I have no income and am at the moment, reliant on him for money. It is the stuff of nightmares and I am waiting to wake up.

Brook70, Thank you. I wish I could say I was okay but I am not. The anxiety and constant dread I feel is over whelming. I have lost my life...thats how I feel...it has been stolen by someone I trusted. The anger and pain from the fall out of this mess is unbelievable. I get no support while he's family totally are supportive of him like he is the victim. So many opportunities over the years to tell the truth but he has choose, choose being the operative word, to drop this bombshell three children later and I'm on the wrong side of 40...no time would have ever been right. The full force at which he now wants to change his gender is mind blowing! After a lifetime of being a man I just can't get my head around any of it and just want to take my children and run. He is full of guilt for what he has done to me but at the same time tries to justify it by saying he was young...I don't deny that but why get married? why not just stay single. Why drag an unsuspecting, innocent young girl into this. I have no judgement on who he is but I have every right to judge what he has done to me and our children. The pain is off the charts. I may PM you at some point. Thank you.

Hi @womanundone, everything you say is very familiar and you are not alone.

Have you looked at the stories and other resources in the Trans Widows Voices website? This will help inform you about how other women have dealt with this situation.

www.transwidowsvoices.org

You say you want to take your children and run. Can you start making plans to leave? Are your own family supportive?

You are clear-headed and realistic. Big, big hugs to you and your children. You are all sane. Keep away from the insane for obvious reasons. Make plans and carry them out. XXX

I'm so sorry you are going through this @womanundone. It is so easy to get caught up in the whys. I still do it even though has been moved out over two years now. But @TinselAngel has wise advice- what plans can you make to get out?

woman undone:
What I found is that once I was able to see my ex's manipulative bids for sympathy (he did not self harm after disclosure but before), I could use my anger and upset as a propellent. (My child was an adult, but I still worried about the effect on him.)

I echo the other statements here to start making plans for how to live separately from him. Getting him out of your daily sight will help. If you have not sought legal advice for the business and for maintenance for the children, I would think that would be your first priority.

@TinselAngel Thank you. Before I decided to post on here I did feel alone but now I don't feel as bad. Admittedly, it is the early hours that get me and thats where I feel so full of loss and grief the most, the evenings are more bearable. I have briefly looked at a couple of the stories on Transwidowvoices...Yes, I would love to run away from everything I have ever known but in reality, I can't do that because I refuse to hurt my children any more than they are already hurting. They do see their dad and I have to be there because he is unstable, has self harmed and threatened suicide numerous times because he says, the guilt he feels. I do love the man I thought I knew but I must come to terms with losing someone I feel I never really had. I lost my dad four years ago and my mum has been affected so badly by this that for weeks, I couldn't even talk to her without her suffering very bad panic attacks so for awhile, I was totally alone. My family support me but only handful know the truth. I cannot believe I did not know, even the smallest clue...but now this person cannot live without women clothing and make up but can live without us...

@Scientistranswidow Thank you X

@SouthernTW Sincere thanks...and yes, I constantly went around and around in my own head asking the same questions...How did I not know? Why am I so stupid...I was supposed to move in with my mum but this has made her very unwell. Luckily, he has moved in with his parents for now. I do see him weekly because he is unstable and I worry if I walk away completely he will harm himself...its very scary and my children will never get over that. I also I was married for 28 years to him...some very happy years and three beautiful children...I'm in complete shock really.

@womanundone Try to reduce the amount of time he is with the children. He is not "really there" because of his narcissism - it is a drug to him. My Trans H tried to manipulate the children by pretending that he was a "sibling" to them. This is an abdication of responsibility. You can see it, but children may not and it may confuse them. It is another way that he "seeks validation" for his "new identity". He is totally messed up and is a confusing influence. The sooner he gets out of your house and your lives the better.

It's very hard to understand their choices and you do grieve intensely for the life that you thought you had.

I'm not clear whether you're all still living together. If you're apart and the kids are having contact with their Father supervised by you, is there somebody else who could supervise instead of you?

@WalkedAway I feel I am being emotionally played and so is my eldest Son who is in his twenties now but we are worried and can't take that chance that he won't carry out harming himself to the extent that he won't come back from it...I do intend to seek legal advice but for the past few months I have been walking through the fire. I am beginning to get stronger I think. Some days are worst than others... thankfully I don't see him every day but I do miss the person I used to think I knew. Its just an impossible place to be.