Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

Hi there, I am also from Australia with 6 and 2 year old sons. Still living with my ex though, so not an ideal situation. Sorry that you've had to join.

Long-time lurker in these boards. Just wanted to show my support to all Trans Widows out there. Can't even begin to imagine how traumatic it must be. I have no direct experience of the issues you are dealing with but I stand with you all.

Hi how do you find living with the ex and how much have they transitioned? Mine is moving very fast with the transition 😳

@NewTransWidow my ex is still here at my house. I cannot afford to set him up with his own household so it is financially easier on me right now that he's taking up space in my living room. One child who I have been doing all I can to support so they have one parent that pays attention. I can't stand it (I guess I am standing it as I've not tossed him out) and it's been taking a toll emotionally and mentally. In my situation the only thing he has done is change his dress, start taking hormones, and remove hair. It feels insulting that "woman" to him seems to just be a costume. Child cannot say dad or daddy anymore. Constantly corrects anyone who correctly guesses/uses "he" to "she". Child has new friends that ask to come play and I don't know how to explain that they can't and child can go to play at the friends house. It's a mess. As for my friends many don't know. At first I told some but most asked first for which pronouns to use before asking how I was doing. Much more important to cater to a man and his delusions than support a friend.

@Eden888 you mentioned the ick feeling...that's exactly how I would describe it as well. And same where I felt I had to go along or I was a bad and unsupportive person. Lots of work is going into forgiving myself for not running at the first sign something was uncomfortable and for feeling so stuck now.

The guilt and resentment I feel towards myself for not ending things early on is overwhelming some days! Women are so conditioned to support men we put our own safety and well being at risk. I thought I HAD to support him but it’s never sat right with me. It turns out it was my intuition screaming at me. I wish I had of found this space sooner. I had no clue was AGP was until I found this thread and after reading more about it, that’s exactly what he has. Gives me the willies.

Unusually honest account in the Guardian today.

www.theguardian.com/society/2022/oct/08/i-thought-my-boyfriend-of-10-years-was-going-to-propose-then-he-told-me-he-was-transgender

Sending well wishes and support from my side of the world. I may not comment but am regularly around. I'm so sorry to see the numbers of transwidows keep growing. And it so often is the same tale- porn-fueled and stereotypes and misogyny.

I just want those stuck in the mires of it to know- it can get better. I am more than two years out from disclosure by the ex. He also rapidly "transitioned"(every surgery already completed). My children don't know nor care to as they haven't seen him in more than a year. Life is not perfect, but ever so much easier and better without the strain of the ex in the house.

I'm kind of a trans widow - we split up over 10 years ago now (although we never married and had no children - such a lucky escape!!!) and I just wanted to say from 'the future' that things can slowly get better, especially once you're out of the relationship with these selfish bastards.

Don't let them gaslight you (or your children) or convince you that their feelings are the only ones that matter. I know it's hard and I REALLY wish therapists would actually listen to us and support us better, but meanwhile you're in a good place with many supportive women who, sadly, get it. Keep your heads up and don't let them win.

Hi again,
struggling mentally. I’m blamed for the seperation by my ex. He doesn’t feel he has don’t anything wrong/hurtful/untoward me or our son. Doesn’t feel like he owes an apology or any accountability. My heart hurts. It’s clear that he doesn’t love me. I’m questioning if he ever did? Does he truly love his son? Is he capable of genuinely loving somebody other than himself? How is he ok to toss me and our son aside to pursue his new life as a woman? He is a husband & a father. Does he not feel any sense of responsibility? I don’t understand how one could be so selfish. I feel so worthless 😭

Try not to feel worthless, NewTransWidow, because you aren't. Another persons opinion of you only matters if it is based on objective facts. You didn't do anything wrong trusting and loving your ex partner, and its not your fault he had a hidden side.

Gosh, I remember this really well.

My ex went into some sort of dissociative mind frame about the impact that his decision was going to have on me and DD. I remember asking him why he wasn't sorry and why he didn't care about the impact his actions were going to have on us, and in particular on DD, and he just shrugged.

I think it's key to realise that all of the shit that he's putting you through now doesn't necessarily mean that everything that you shared before was a lie.

He's escalating, and to enable himself to do that he has to freeze out any proper consideration of the effect on other people

As he escalates further he will tell you that this is the real him and the old him that you fell in love with was never real. Hold onto your own reality, your experience is valid.

quillette.com/blog/2022/10/16/not-a-woman/

Excellent review of Shannon Thrace's book.

Going to have get that book. From the article there were many parts that felt very familiar. Such as the man-child who volunteers to stay at home to keep up the house but never follows through, the obsession with reducing womanhood to a costume, the reinvention of his past, etc. It's eerie how often one the same pattern emerges.

Hi and a belated welcome to newcomers. My daughter recently told me she was glad I left her father as she has met someone else with a 'trans' father (what were the chances of that?) whose mother stayed and lives in a loveless miserable household with Dad playing the lead role on need, suicide threats and ongoing self-absorption. It is a home her friend rarely visits and has wrecked her family life. It reminded me that, despite the deliberate fingers-in-ears of the kind of people who harass Tinsel online, most women leave
as much because of the unapologetic, self-centred thoughtless and callous behaviour as the fact that they also don't want to stay with the new incarnation of their former partner. I too, New could not understand why my ex had zero compassion or interest in mine or his children's feelings. It seems to be part of the process, closing in on just yourself and your needs, and it shocked me as much as the 'big announcemen'.
Many of us are left wondering what happened to our existence former apparent humanity, when they took this path and are hence unconvinced by the propaganda that people are just changing their exterior, as they seem to change permanently often for the worse as people. I hope you're okay. Are you relieved in any way to have separated?

Sorry our exs not existence

Don't blame yourself Seaside. Yours and many situations are not straightforward and you tried to make this work as best as possible for now. Very tough with kids and friends. I hope you are looking after yourself and the kids as well as possible. at some point you may get the headspace, or something will happen, which makes you either stay but feel more okay about that, or feel able to consider your future options.

I'm at FILIA and I saw the trailer for Vaishnavi's film yesterday. It looks like it's going to be brilliant.

Her film about trans widows, that is!

Amazing news, Tinsel - such brave women!

Trailer now on YouTube

I'm really looking forward to it though it will make distressing feelings resurface. At least its out there for the world to see and understand if they care to.

New story on the website

www.transwidowsvoices.org/post/alisons-story-part-2

I just came to say I've seen the trailer for this on TikTok, so glad your stories are being put out to a wider audience.

I never imagined we'd be on TikTok with the youngsters!