Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

Hi - not a Transwidow - just wondering if any of you can make sense of this:

Women and Equalities Committee
Oral evidence: Work of the Minister for Equalities on LGBT+ matters, HC 545
Wednesday 6 July 2022
Ordered by the House of Commons to be published on 6 July 2022.

Watch the meeting
www.parliamentlive.tv/Event/Index/14a25c60-cdff-4501-9439-09eeedb888d2

Members present:
Kate Osborne (Chair);
Elliott Colburn;
Jackie Doyle-Price;
Carolyn Harris
and Caroline Dinenage.

Questions 1 - 44

Witnesses

Mike Freer MP, Minister for Equalities and Equality Hub at Government
Equalities Office;

Anna Thompson, Deputy Director LGBT domestic policy,
International and Communications, Equality Hub at Government Equalities Office

and

Marcus Bell, Director, Equality Hub at Government Equalities Office.

-------

Q18 Eric Colburn: Going over some of the more day-to-day issues, Minister,
in the Westminster Hall debate we had on GRA reform there were two
commitments made at the Dispatch Box—to remove disorder from the
GRA and remove the spousal veto. Could you update us on the progress
of those two commitments?

Mike Freer: I might let the officials answer so I do not get that wrong
again, but I am not sure where we are up to on the relevant Act
regarding divorces.

Anna Thompson: It is enforced now, and that Act enables no-fault
divorces to happen more smoothly, so it is not a question of changing
any provision in the Gender Recognition Act; it is more that the Divorce
Act should facilitate a process where both partners in a relationship, in a
marriage, or a civil partnership, are not happy for the relationship to
continue after transition.

Mike Freer: The ability of a partner to block it has been reduced—before
I get told off for using the wrong terminology.

---
See also, although of more general interest:

Q19 Elliott Colburn: And the progress on removing disorder from the GRA?

Anna Thompson: That is work we continue to plan to do; it is fair to say
that we have not yet started.
----

committees.parliament.uk/oralevidence/10567/pdf/

Well I'm glad Mike Freer got told off.

The government have no plans to abolish the spousal exit clause (I've had this in writing), no fault divorce stands alongside it but does not replace it.

twitter.com/transwidows/status/1507668952859693057?s=21&t=PVbbGLqq6lPL4BGj7WtQVg
Some background here.

Curious if any of you experienced your exes changing their political views along with transition?

@SouthernTW We have 2 children together, so yes it will be applicable.

Re politics, he has always been left leaning, probably even more so now.

Yes. They generally move to which ever party has the strongest stand on trans rights.

Great interview from two of our Australian trans widow sisters.

@ He always purported to be left leaning (USA version) and still does. However some of the things that spewed from him the one time I'd seen him drink too much was not in alignment with that. After that and hearing him talks at people (not with or to people..at them I now notice) I think his views are whatever suits & benefits him and he bs-es it all to sound like he has any clue.

There's been a lot of support on Twitter for this trans widow whose ex refers to himself as his son's "other mom".

twitter.com/sallywithers1/status/1558897977195913216?s=21&t=Nor8vNJpTnkTkIXQktzsJw

After a busy couple of days on Twitter where I've been assumed of being "consumed by hatred", by a randomer, I'm wondering how many of us actually do hate our exes? I know I don't. Of all the trans widows I've met and spoken to, I can only think of one who I'd say probably hated her ex.

I think most of us just feel a bit sorry for them.

But of course bearing in mind the 2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.

My ex detests me, does that count? I'm just relieved he's no longer around.

Oh yes generally they hate us of course.

I don't have time to hate my ex. I am too busy being a solo parent to my fatherless, traumatized children.

I hated my ex for his treatment of our children. It has mellowed over the years as I move into feeling he's an inadequate, pitiably self-centred man who has messed up royally and is largely delusional. Lots of people hate their ex-partners for lots of reasons, usually around their treatment of partners and children, so I'm not sure why transwidows aren't allowed to hate ex-partners for the similar, highly personal and specific reasons as anyone else? Oh yes of course, because he normal rules don't apply to our exs....
And yes Southern, being furious and hating them does take a lot of one's own energy, that most women managing the fallout don't have to spare.

My almost 79 year old husband has now moved on and disposed of all his female attire and accessories. He has been on line seeking a homosexual relationship. Also he has been trying to get the cash strapped NHS to provide him with pills to prevent him from getting aids. We have not had a sexual relationship in years so am not worried for my own health. He has quickly made 'friends' so at least he's not nearly always at home now. This man has put me through an awful lot in 55 years. I could leave but despite everything financial restraints make me seek to stay in my own home.

There can't be many men who want to have sex with other 79 year old men surely?

The problem with staying with him is are you going to end up nursing him?

After rather too many beers at lunchtime he told a mutual friend he tells them he's 65. Unbelievable! Hadn't actually considered the nursing aspect. One or other of us will be dead or infirm at some point in the future. Of course I'm too soft to just let him rot should it come to it which is what he deserves. No doubt he would manipulate younger family members into helping him if necessary.

(Not a transwidow, just a supportive observer)

In addition to the risks of you having to provide care for him yourself, it's worth bearing in mind that if he needs residential care at any point then the state may claw back the cost of that as well. I'm not sure what the current thresholds are, as the Government keep making proposals and then walking back on them when there's an outcry from their core support. It's worth looking into that, as that may change the balance of the financial considerations relating to whether you should stay or not.

Thanks good advice although as you say thresholds are continually changing and who knows what the benefits position will be in times to come.

You must be from somewhere near me! They say that here in the southern US.

New story on the Trans Widows Voices website:

www.transwidowsvoices.org/post/jessicas-story-acceptance-with-one-exception

If anybody here who hasn't already shared their story in the website would like to do so then please get in touch.

Hi, I’m a new trans widow with a 2 year old son. Going through seperation at the moment. From Australia. Anyone else going through it at the moment?

Hi. Welcome to the thread. It's a difficult time that you're going through, but well done for getting that far.

It's the overwhelming grief that I remember, more than anything.

I’m so grateful and relieved to find this thread. Hello, I’m new here and I’m a trans widow from Canada. I’m very wordy when sharing so I apologize for any overly long posts! I will try not to ramble lol
I am currently with a man who told me a few months ago that he’s confused about his gender. Was not a shock to me at all. We’ve been together 4 years now and early on he told me he enjoyed x dressing. I immediately got the ick and felt uncomfortable, it’s really not my thing. I thought he was joking or hoped he was. He then slowly started to wear lingerie when we’d have sex. He also started using penetrative toys on himself and I felt pressured to participate in anal sex which I had never done before. I felt if I didn’t go along with this I wasn’t being a supportive partner. Also I began to notice he would lose his erection if he wasn’t dressed up vs when he was. I started to feel like there was something wrong with me because everything I read said I was supposed to support him or I was a bigot.
I looked through his phone and laptop and found all kinds of extreme gay & trans porn. He really likes the sissy/twink stuff. I’ve never seen so much porn in my life. He had a whole hard drive full. He then suggested we start filming ourselves and I stupidly went along with it. I was fresh out of a divorce with my ex husband and was still seeking validation that I was desirable. I had seen some other women online making a ton of money doing cam work and my ex husband had just cut me off financially. I had bills to pay so I went along with it and started selling content on adult websites. I had made some money and had a fan base so it was all feeding my validation machine (yes I had a rough childhood with emotionally unavailable parents). I had told a friend about it in a moment of weakness and she betrayed me and told my ex husband what I was doing. He then doxxed me to my family and my bf’s family. I had told my mom about it previously so at least she already knew but my bf’s family has been awful (none of my content involved him crossdressing for context so I got labelled the evil slut who coerced him into it) and his aunt in particular has been stalking me and harassing me for years now. She even called CAS on me and hired a PI to investigate me. I don’t do it anymore and I haven’t for years but she won’t stop harassing me. Tried to involve the police but they won’t do anything.
Rambling now, apologies! All that to say he told me in the summer that he feels like he’s the wrong gender. I immediately looked for support online and everyone said I should support him and that I now had a girlfriend. Like what??? No. That did not sit right with me. He is not feminine in the slightest!!! He works in the trades and drives a big truck. He has poor hygiene (didn’t find out until after we moved in together that he doesn’t brush his teeth and showers maybe once a month if that). I spoke to my therapist who I’ve been seeing for 5 years. She told me her daughter is trans. At first I thought ok she will understand me but then I told her I was concerned this was purely sexual. My reasons were that he has no interest in wearing normal feminine clothing like leggings and a cute top. It’s only overly sexual outfits and lingerie. He’s only able to talk about the sex part of it, when I question him about transitioning he shuts down and refuses to talk. She said oh it’s normal for trans to go to the extreme because they’ve been hiding it. No I’m sorry but that’s not what it is!!! He thinks women are sex objects and is addicted to porn. Otherwise why doesn’t he have any other interest in things I do? Needless to say, I’ve ended my sessions with her.
I am done being coerced into complying with his addictions. I’m not sure what to do now though as we bought a house together and we have a young daughter. I don’t think he will ever fully transition but I want nothing to do with him. I’m so angry that I’ve let it go on this long. I’m angry that I’m now trapped I’m this nightmare. I really hope I can get out and again I’m so grateful for this thread, I already feel so much better that my feelings are validated!!! Thanks for reading, I look forward to sharing more.