Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

Hi @mesamazing welcome.

A practical suggestion- if he's taking ages to move his things out, can you do it for him? Do you have a garage or somewhere else you can put them in? I was going to suggest renting a storage unit for a month and posting him the key, but I don't know if it would cause you hassle if he didn't collect his stuff when the month was up. If it's inconvenient for him to collect his stuff, there's every chance he'll fanny about indefinitely unless you bring it to a head (mixed metaphor).

@mesamazing, ditto the advice to get your ex's belongings out of your residence as soon as possible. It is a stressor that you shouldn't need to put up with.

Regarding Tinsel's recommendation... it is possible that abandoning the storage unit's contents could damage your credit rating. I think it's a great idea otherwise.

A more sensible alternative might be putting all his stuff in a storage unit and saying that you will get rid of it if he hasn't collected it after a month.

I was fairly active in helping my ex move out, as I wasn't sure he would really go. It was worth my helping to move stuff just to get it out. You shouldn't have to actively do it, but taking his things to him even bit by bit may be worth your effort, just to clear it. The psychological relief of seeing it gone was immense. Stuff he forgot I just took to the charity shop. Gave me a clean slate in my home to gradually change and erase some difficult memories.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4385955-turning-victims-into-folk-devils-the-plight-of-the-transwidows-new-article

Thread about new article by Jo Bartosch.

Hello. My husband of 54 years who is now 78 is more sharply escalating his fetish. 'She' Sophie is on her way to spend the weekend with her fiance Rowena (also a man). He has been playing with himself in private as a woman for several years but during lockdown met Rowena on the internet and they have been spending weekends together once a month. This weekend it has escalated to him telling me he is leaving the house to meet Rowena dressed as a woman and will I help by doing up the back of his dress. Said no. His female attire is all laid out on our bed (which I do not choose to sleep in) and the female shoes are displayed by the front door. He has not previously dressed as a woman in front of me though I found a photo some years ago. At the moment I am waiting for him to go upstairs to get changed at which point I shall be out the door until I think he has gone.

@23madeleine

Hello. My husband of 54 years who is now 78 is more sharply escalating his fetish. 'She' Sophie is on her way to spend the weekend with her fiance Rowena (also a man). He has been playing with himself in private as a woman for several years but during lockdown met Rowena on the internet and they have been spending weekends together once a month. This weekend it has escalated to him telling me he is leaving the house to meet Rowena dressed as a woman and will I help by doing up the back of his dress. Said no. His female attire is all laid out on our bed (which I do not choose to sleep in) and the female shoes are displayed by the front door. He has not previously dressed as a woman in front of me though I found a photo some years ago. At the moment I am waiting for him to go upstairs to get changed at which point I shall be out the door until I think he has gone.

I'm so sorry you are being forced to witness this. What a bloody cheek to ask you to help and putting the clothes on your bed! What would you like to do regarding the future of your marriage?

I assume from the not sharing a bed comment that you're not sexually actively with him but if you have been since he met the other man he is putting you at risk of STIs if he is engaging in anal sex with him. Definitely good to get a sexual health screening if that's the case.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Have you spoken to a divorce lawyer yet? The "fiancé" comment makes it sound like your husband is already making plans, you should be prepared as well. Though please be aware that many of us trans widows have had to be the one to file for divorce, because our exes were "brave and stunning" enough to transition but not wanting to change the status quo of a failed marriage.

the-lies-they-tell.org/2021/11/06/review-of-documentary-girl-like-you/

Sarah Stewart reviews a documentary that (unintentionally) shows what it's like for women who stay.

Blisteringly astute review and observations about how entirely overlooked and erased the partner's experience is. I hope she moves on to a happier life.

@socialworker222

Blisteringly astute review and observations about how entirely overlooked and erased the partner's experience is. I hope she moves on to a happier life.

People have sometimes felt sorry for me because of how my marriage turned out, but honestly I think their sympathy would probably be best directed towards the women who stay.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, @23madeleine. 78-years-old and your husband engaging in this behavior, it's incredible to me.

That review. Goodness. So "stunning and brave."

Popping in from my side of the world just to say hi and that the kids and I are doing our best to get on with our lives. They've refused to see Dad since the revelation. The counselor one of the children sees has advised me to let the kids set the pace, so I am supporting their decision not to currently have a relationship. Things are getting a bit sticky with my former MIL and being a solo parent is no joke. But at least we don't have to deal with him.

Southern, glad to hear you're doing okay. I hope the MIL comes around, or not, whatever would work out for the best for you and the kids.

Good to hear from you Southern and hope that however hard, it's some relief to have made the decision and not have to have him around on a daily basis. Be prepared for bizarre behaviour from in-laws. After initial sympathy mine went entirely fingers-in-ears and pretend nothing happened. I've ended up having to have very clear boundaries and as the kids got older gradually disengage. As you say, you can handle that other stuff but you're not seeing him and living alongside someone entirely self-absorbed. I've concluded it's more upsetting having to do everything with a partner only interested in themselves, than simply having to do it all on your own.

Hi! I am @transwitwe from Twitter. The German woman with an autogynephile husband.
I don't know if some of you seen my account.
I'm ranting there for a while over my husband and his strange behaviour.
I just want to say hello. I try to read as much as I can as I find the time. My smallest kid is sick at the moment so I'm a little busy. But I try to read and write some more.
I've read my story in German already. Try to translate it for you if someone's interested.
Wish you all the best and see you soon! 😊

This thread has just appeared in active, and I wish I'd known about it sooner!

We're 7 years down the line: two transitions, two de transitions. No idea how our marriage is surviving it. I'll probably loiter a bit before I contribute much, but I'm so glad to have found this.

I'm glad you've both found us and we'd definitely be interested in hearing more of your stories

@Mediocrates

This thread has just appeared in active, and I wish I'd known about it sooner!

We're 7 years down the line: two transitions, two de transitions. No idea how our marriage is surviving it. I'll probably loiter a bit before I contribute much, but I'm so glad to have found this.

Have a look at our website too:

www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Mediocrates, I can't imagine going through this four times (trans and detrans) with your spouse. Once was almost more than I could bear.

@QuinnMovesOn I don't know how I survived, or how we're still together. De transition was the last change, and he knows he can have either transition or me, but not both. Will he stick with his choice? Only time will tell. It's been 2 years now, but he'd already had some surgery, and had been living "full time" for a significant period of time (years, not months) I'm having a lot of psychological therapy to process what happened

It sounds like he does purge and binge cycles, so if you can protect yourself financially do so as soon as you can.

[quote Mediocrates]@QuinnMovesOn I don't know how I survived, or how we're still together. De transition was the last change, and he knows he can have either transition or me, but not both. Will he stick with his choice? Only time will tell. It's been 2 years now, but he'd already had some surgery, and had been living "full time" for a significant period of time (years, not months) I'm having a lot of psychological therapy to process what happened [/quote]
If it's transition or you, how comes he's done it twice before?

This is the first time I've heard of binge and purge involving actual transition.

I remember how utterly debilitating it was, being at the mercy of somebody else's compulsion.

@TinselAngel because it's took for it to get to that point for me to find the strength to tell him it's one or the other.

He's a very all or nothing person - in some ways, transition excluded, it's one of the things I love about him. If he's going to do something, he really does it. Unfortunately the reality of that has been four legal name changes, some reversible surgery, and some irreversible surgery.

[quote Mediocrates]@TinselAngel because it's took for it to get to that point for me to find the strength to tell him it's one or the other.

He's a very all or nothing person - in some ways, transition excluded, it's one of the things I love about him. If he's going to do something, he really does it. Unfortunately the reality of that has been four legal name changes, some reversible surgery, and some irreversible surgery. [/quote]
Great that you've now got firm boundaries. It takes us all a while to get there. It the incremental boundary pushing that you almost don't notice that you have to watch out for though.

The revelations continue around here despite the divorce. Apparently, not only was the ex involved with the hypno sissy porn, he actually wrote a novel about it that has been published. This all occurred long before he ever mentioned the trans issue to me.

Hoping that he will just continue to leave us alone. That is the best case scenario at this point. I just feel so dumb that all of this deception was going on for so long.