Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

Also, if you haven't been to Tinsel's amazing www.transwidowsvoices.org/ website, you might want to check that out.

@QuinnMovesOn I thought it was too but I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore. This trans culture where “cis” people are demonised constantly is awful, but it leaves me doubting myself.

I have had a look at the website, I started reading some of the stories but I am feeling very fragile at the moment and it’s making me question things even more - in terms of his behaviour, and while that’s not a bad thing, I don’t have the emotional energy to cope with it right now.

[quote StomaInATeacup]@QuinnMovesOn I thought it was too but I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore. This trans culture where “cis” people are demonised constantly is awful, but it leaves me doubting myself.

I have had a look at the website, I started reading some of the stories but I am feeling very fragile at the moment and it’s making me question things even more - in terms of his behaviour, and while that’s not a bad thing, I don’t have the emotional energy to cope with it right now.[/quote]
The most important thing right now is to look after your health and take care of yourself. Don't worry about the politics of whats happened. Do what is best for you.

It's good that you've found us, but you're still getting used to things so I should think it will feel like going from 0-100 in 24 hours.

Take some time, reflect, recuperate, and above all remain true to yourself, you won't regret it

Somebody said on Twitter today to Helen Joyce something that I thought also applies to us, which was that the only tone her opponents would accept from her is "inaudible". That's why we have our detractors.

3rd rule of misogyny:
"Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish."

4w.pub/the-rules-of-misogyny/

I should think it will feel like going from 0-100 in 24 hours.

I realise this is a terrible simile BTW but you know what I mean.

@TinselAngel

I wonder if we're any worse in this respect than other women, who have lost their husbands to different mid life crises, and spend all their time and money on women or sports cars or whatever?

It can be helpful to see the similarities here. Talking with friends whose partners have cheated,lied, misused family finances and lived double lives have much in common with us. It can feel less isolating to see those shared experiences and late transitioners seem to me to have much in common with other men having mid-life crises or behaving in crap and abusive ways towards women and children. I think we have particular isolating, unusual and difficult aspects to deal with, but it can help to see some of this as generally just more crappy self-centred, uncaring behaviour.

Welcome Stoma. Sorry it feels like your world has imploded. The same happened to women on here and we have survived, or are surviving. It's a terrible shock, very distressing distressing and isolating. It helped me to find someone to talk to (see your GP and self-refer to your local NHS talking therapy service. You can do that online and just get on their books whatever the therapy offer or the wait time). Free helplines are good just to have someone to offload to. There will also be a local NHS crisis number if you Google it.
Focusing on the practicalities helped too. Making sure life ticks over, the basics, and thinking about where your money is and what access he has so that you protect that. A free legal advice session also helped me think about options.
Deciding in the short term what you want to do about him, contact, ground rules, boundaries.
You don't have to do anything more than keep going day to day right now. It will take time to process and make decisions. I'm sorry this has happened to you but, whether you stay with him or leave, taking time to work out what you want and taking some control will really help.
lljkk and Tara gave good practical advice on your first thread. Stick with focusing on your health and sorting practical issues first. Your partner will have to sort himself out and you have a lot on your plate at present with your physical issues. I'm glad your parents are supportive. You're not alone, we're all here.

Relevant Twitter conversation;

twitter.com/gendermapper/status/1443182288725020675?s=21

Why does he get to make connections and new friends and a support system (or is it validation system?) and all I get is a few forums online and major reluctance in telling people IRL because you never know what side of politics/feminism they sit? Just feeling a bit sorry for myself as I discovered he's added several people like him on FB, and has had a group video chat with them. I've only told 1 person who is on my side, 2 others I've talked to (because he came out to them first) who are family members, but I don't know how honest I can be with them.

These forums are amazing, but I still feel so incredibly alone in all this. There's no one I can really just rant to about stuff whenever, the one good friend is great, but she doesn't really do texting or messaging. I'm part of a private FB group, but I'm kind of reluctant to post or comment much. Here is ok, but has restrictions. Ovarit is ok, but there isn't a dedicated safe space.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just another nail in the coffin which is this relationship.

@themiserychick

Why does he get to make connections and new friends and a support system (or is it validation system?) and all I get is a few forums online and major reluctance in telling people IRL because you never know what side of politics/feminism they sit? Just feeling a bit sorry for myself as I discovered he's added several people like him on FB, and has had a group video chat with them. I've only told 1 person who is on my side, 2 others I've talked to (because he came out to them first) who are family members, but I don't know how honest I can be with them.

These forums are amazing, but I still feel so incredibly alone in all this. There's no one I can really just rant to about stuff whenever, the one good friend is great, but she doesn't really do texting or messaging. I'm part of a private FB group, but I'm kind of reluctant to post or comment much. Here is ok, but has restrictions. Ovarit is ok, but there isn't a dedicated safe space.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just another nail in the coffin which is this relationship.

I can understand it's frustrating. If it's any consolation there was nothing at all support wise when I was going through it, hence me setting up all this.

He is embarking on a new life with many new like minded people in it, I recall my ex saying that networking online and IRL in his new identity made him feel popular for the first time ever. The social contacts that you know about are likely to be the tip of the iceberg, he will have other networks of supporters outside Facebook I'm sure.

The reason door the contrast is that any private groups set up by ourselves will be so open to infiltration, bullying and doxxing by our exes and other TRAs that they will be hugely time consuming to administer safely. If I win the lottery/ retire I'd set it up but I don't have time at present. I am sure though that we have to do these things for ourselves,

Have you looked into either counselling, or making contacts through local rad fem networks?

Misery, I also found a lot of support from an unexpected quarter: a divorce recovery group hosted by a church. They were very welcoming and helpful (and didn't mind that I'm not a practicing Christian).

Not a bad article in the New York Post today:

nypost.com/2021/10/12/i-became-a-trans-widow-after-my-husband-became-a-woman/

A good article. This line in particular mirrors my belief: "I'm entitled to my own history."

@QuinnMovesOn

A good article. This line in particular mirrors my belief: "I'm entitled to my own history."

Yes 100%

Yes. Simple and to the point. She speaks very clearly. I only bristled at the phrase 'the controversial term for a woman who hasn’t come to terms with a partner’s sex change'...

@TinselAngel

This time next year Southern you'll be one of those women who made it out the other side

Literally nobody cares about my sci-fi thread titles do they? Peasants

"Trans Widows Voices website- again if any of the omen who have previously posted would like to contribute their story then do let me know."

@TinselAngel I've spotted a horror title, will that do?

One day I'll learn to proofread my posts.

Thanks Tinsel and Quinn. I did do some therapy, but it didn't help much. I suppose I'll just stick with what I've got.

I really need to break up with him. I saw a Reddit post where he talks about feeling joy at being called a wife and mother, which made me so angry and I had visions of me telling him in no uncertain terms that he will never be any of those things to me or my children, and other material realities that people like him often ignore.

I just don't know how or when to do it. I don't want a lot of drama, but I know he'll be devastated. My stupid anxiety makes me procrastinate badly. I'm working on applying to do casual teaching, so I've been telling myself I'll wait until I get work. Earlier today I caught myself telling myself that I'll do it after Christmas. I mean, what's another few months?

Nothing wrong with getting your life lined up first Misery. It's important to have some security and a plan. And you have to do this when it feels manageable. If you can limit looking at his social media that may help. I did a lot of digging around and it made me u happy seeing the creepy fake double life, the party frock pictures, the fawning celebratory comments... keeping your focus on you and what you need, not the detail of his self-absorbed and delusional life, will free you.

Unhappy not u happy

It might also help to decide what your red line is. Mine was my ex getting the go ahead from the GIC to start transitioning.

I have to say, an utterly miserable last Christmas when we were still together also helped my decision making.

Hello! I am so pleased to find this place! I just left my husband of 11 years. The first 9 years were absolutely wonderful…but the last two were full of the most vile tantrums and psychological abuse. He wants to be a woman. Not that he told me that. In fact, that’s what he told my 14 year old daughter. He told me that he wanted to “just be a man in a dress who shaves his whole body.”

The change has been so difficult. He’s taking forever to move his things out, doesn’t show up when he says he will to move it. When I see him, I can’t even find the man I loved so much. This monster just isn’t him.

In the last three weeks, I’ve accomplished so much, but the man who once supported and even celebrated me is gone. My daughter is glad that my husband moved out and feels better everyday. She just wants me to be happy. We both have had the realization that now we need “trigger warnings” for seeing men who identify as women.

I was unable to find any support groups here. Everything is about “gender affirming,” yet not a single site talks about the sudden abuse and neglect women like me experience.

Thank you for being here.

mesamazing, welcome!

Welcome amazing. That sounds very hard on you both. Did he move out willingly? Its good he's gone and you will now need to find a way of managing your boundaries around him and your daughters contact with him. She doesn't sound too young so hopefully she can take some control over managing that. But welcome to.a group many of whom have been there and come out the other side

Welcome mesamazing - it sounds like you're being really strong - I know what you mean in being triggered. I just feel revulsion now. As my son (who is bisexual so in theory fancies both sexes) says - why would anyone be attracted to someone who is so clearly mentally ill? They are repulsive.