Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

Sent too soon- I don't think links to petitions are allowed anyway?

I posted it here because some TW have had crimes committed against them by the person they married, which will be recorded as perpetrated by a woman. I didn't mean to breach talk guidelines or cause any offence. I apologise. I have asked for it to be deleted.

Mumsnet have confirmed it will be deleted for me Sorry again. I typed TW above but for avoidance of doubt I meant trans widows.

@SouthernTW I'm pleased for you. Here's to a happy future.

Incidentally, there's a "guess my age" thread on style and beauty that has set my radar tingling - that hairline...

@SouthernTW Congratulations on yet another step in putting this behind you. It's so tough but the other side will be so much brighter. xx

@socialworker222 I was also disturbed at my ex's focus on a very unrealistic view of femininity, beyond dressing in very OTT clothes that a woman his age would not wear. He used to talk about how how he wanted to be a 'girl' do he could 'sit around and look pretty all day'. I struggle to name any woman in his life for whom this was their reality. We all worked and many raised kids. IDK where these ideas came from. One more of the reasons I found his psychology so offensive.

Ex has "come out" on his social media and announced his "new name" and pronouns of she/her. Both my sister and friend when told said the same thing, "Why would he pick a stripper name?"

Still hasn't said anything to the kids.

@SouthernTW, if you haven't already, you might want to consider finding a counselor for the kids. I know my DC needed that after my ex came out to them.

@SouthernTW

Ex has "come out" on his social media and announced his "new name" and pronouns of she/her. Both my sister and friend when told said the same thing, "Why would he pick a stripper name?"

Still hasn't said anything to the kids.

Have you told the kids? If not you're going to have to think about doing it before somebody else does.

He told the kids. Of course, in such a piss poor way they didn't even understand what he was saying. I finally had to step in and say, "He thinks he's a woman, he's changing his name, and plans to live like one."

They were devastated. Wouldn't ask him any questions or even respond to him about it. As I figured, they want nothing to do with him and no contact.

And just huge thanks to all you transwidows. Although this entire experience has been traumatic beyond words, because of you all, I knew I wasn't going to continue in this untenable situation. Your stories have given me courage.

That's so hard for your kids Southern, I am sorry. My ex was astoundingly lazy and useless in his communications with the kids. He appeared to seek out and relish long coming-out meetings and flowery self-absorbed letters to adult peers and family but did not prepare, explain or empathise at any point with his children. I wonder if the point at which late transitioners have to tell their children, they face the real choice, the selfishness, the impact on others, and are cowards. Project Me seems throughout to necessitate avoidance of debate, criticism or the distress of those impacted but the brave stunning narrative doesn't wash with those directly and adversely affected. Brace yourself for being blamed for your kids' feelings and decisions, I am to this day years later. It is convenient denial and avoidance to blame Mum, but most people know the real story. You and those supporting you know this mess is entirely his responsibility. Your focus is now to look after yourself and the kids which you seem to be doing well.

@SouthernTW

And just huge thanks to all you transwidows. Although this entire experience has been traumatic beyond words, because of you all, I knew I wasn't going to continue in this untenable situation. Your stories have given me courage.

This is why our opponents are terrified of us making connections with each other and of us speaking out. We make more and more women less willing to put up with it.

Hoping you're all OK @SouthernTW

We are doing ok. The ex has apparently decided to respect the kids' request of no-contact.

Trying not to be bitter and resentful of the fact that I am literally run ragged parenting and driving these kids all over God's creation while the ex is planning his dermal filler appointments and hanging out at gay/trans bars.

It is grating. I have lone parented for several years while my ex pursues expensive hobbies and endlessly preens his appearance. But you have the trust and respect of your children and get to spend time with them and get to know them. It's bloody hard work and at times lonely but your ex's self-absorption in Project Me is rather sad and ludicrous for a parent to prioritise above their children. When I have moments of resentment, friends remind me that I have my children and he has all his money and clothes and possessions. And most people can see who is the richer. Do you have family or friends you can lean on at all?

Spot on, @socialworker222. I get the privilege of my children's time and love. And I actually like them as humans a lot so am most grateful that I get the opportunity to be their mother. The ex is missing out in so many ways. There is nothing I would trade for the time I get with them.

I just get grumbly on occasion. I don't have much in the way of help. I'm working on being better about asking for help though. Thank goodness for therapy.

The money does run out in the end though. They spend and spend and spend on "lady things" to the point of financial ruin. My ex is on a IVA for debt and had to borrow money from PayPal credit to pay the last 2 weeks' pitiful child maintenance to avoid a 20% collection fee. Rarely sees the children and they don't care.

Southern, maybe there are other single moms in your area where you can trade off some baby sitting time? Just to give yourself a real break occasionally?

I wonder if we're any worse in this respect than other women, who have lost their husbands to different mid life crises, and spend all their time and money on women or sports cars or whatever?

Hello,

You hope you don't mind my linking this thread with a poster who might need your support/guidance.

Is anyone awake? My life has fallen apart www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/4358088-Is-anyone-awake-My-life-has-fallen-apart

I've deliberately not put the link to this thread on theirs, but said I would post here and given directions to the Fem boards.

Hope that's ok.

BIC

@TinselAngel- it's probably comparable. My daughter refers to what her father is doing as his mid-life crisis gone really bad.

@QuinnMovesOn- mine are old enough to leave alone if need be. It's just the sheer number of activities that they have that I am solely responsible for that is a bit daunting. It leaves no time for much of anything else. I am trying to work (nearly full-time), homeschool, drive them to all their things 3-4 times a week per kid, all in the middle of this traumatic time of their father coming out. Somehow sneak in therapy. It's a very precarious stack of cards. But the kids have to come first for me right now.

@FooFooFloofyFoof- I do worry about him sucking up all his funds and not be able to pay the support he agreed to i the divorce. But I also know that he is unlikely to go unemployed because his job provides trans-related "healthcare." He knows what side his bread is buttered on.

Yes we were left without maintenance for a long time due to unemployment and now it's a paltry sum which is often unpaid. We really are left to be the only parent our children can rely on in every way.

But the kids have to come first for me right now.

Yes, but if you go down, the ship goes down. It might be time to start looking at what you can reasonably cut back on as one person just can't do the work of two.

Hello all. I’ve come from my thread last night after my husband left in the middle of the night telling me that he needed to try living like a woman.

I’m so conflicted about everything. I feel like a victim, I feel slighted and annoyed but then I saw this blog about “trans widows” being offensive www.intomore.com/stop-talking/please-stop-saying-trans-widows/ and I just don’t understand how I’m the bad guy in this? I don’t have anyone to talk to about gender issues and it scares me this is the world we live in now.

That article you linked to is really toxic. Basically saying that we as the wives of men who decide to transition, we don't also matter as human beings? That everything needs to be all about the transitioning person and how we must support them and not burden them with any of our own doubts and fears? Please recognize just how evil and manipulative that is.

This is why these threads are so important, for us to connect and recognize that there is a very common pattern here of married men who transition later in life, that is narcissistic and emotionally abusive.