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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Am I being dramatic?

134 replies

talkingdeadscot · 17/03/2021 12:31

DH and I have been having various discussions around the trans issue and what it means for the rights of women and girls. He's TWAW and I'm fiercely feminist.

He's actively campaigning for the removal of single sex spaces as per Stonewall. I'm a woman who wants to keep those spaces. He believes gender is more important than sex so in the long run single sex spaces are better for everyone.

For me, I've said why this isn't better for women, I've said I don't want to lose single sex provision but it makes no difference. He says we both have an ideology we believe in and neither of us will change their mind.I feel as though this is just another case of a man telling a woman what's best so in that regards it's no different to men denying women contraception or abortion. He says I'm being ridiculous and over dramatic, it's nothing like the same. Besides, plenty of women are happy without single sex spaces.

Am I being ridiculous or over dramatic?

OP posts:
WindyPudding · 17/03/2021 13:45

Ask him to imagine a 3rd sex, bigger and stronger than men. They can rape and impregnate men and have a high incidence of violence and discrimination against them. For this reason they have separate toilets, prisons, hospital wards etc like men and women do (used to).

How would he feel about them identifying as men and being allowed access to him to harm him, or just intimidate him because he'd never know which ones were going to harm him?

Or give him the example of dogs and cats. There are kind, gentle harmless dogs. There are aggressive cats. But generally, dogs are bigger and have the potential to harass, chase and/or kill cats. So do you put dogs and cats in the same enclosure at a kennels? Do you say a dog who behaves like a cat is a cat? If not why not?

Original poster
talkingdeadscot · 17/03/2021 15:49

Thanks all, sometimes I feel I'm going bloody mad.

I had a previous thread on here about him telling me that to refuse an intimate examination by a TW is akin to racism. I knew it wasn't but couldn't articulate why. It was after that discussion I decided to leave the marriage. Unfortunately, because of my health it has to be planned so I haven't gone yet although I have said it's over and why.

I just thought that if we could discuss this further then he would perhaps see my point of view, being an actual working class woman but clearly not. I specifically asked this morning what my ideology was as he keeps saying we're both wedded to our ideology's - mine is that I refuse to accept gender.

Clearly there is nowhere for us to go with this so I need to stop expecting him to understand. Knob!

OP posts:
Original poster
talkingdeadscot · 17/03/2021 15:55

@toffeebutterpopcorn

There’s a visual that I see on twitter - the one with a rogues gallery of chaos who have been very vocal in the removal of single wax provisions - then convicted of sex crimes. I’d flash that and innocently ask if these are the people he wants it side with?
He rationalises it by telling me that he doesn't agree with everything the movement does same as I'm now politically homeless because I've now got more in common with the Tories than any other political party. I told him he picked a side and it wasn't the side of women or girls.
OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/03/2021 15:57

Tell him you identify as a man and he’s now gay. See if that makes him sit up and think at all!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/03/2021 15:58

*Btw, my husband was vaguely TWAW without really thinking about what that meant, when I asked him if he'd perform oral sex on a woman's penis he then decided what a woman was and wasn't
And this

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/03/2021 15:58

Bold fail

Btw, my husband was vaguely TWAW without really thinking about what that meant, when I asked him if he'd perform oral sex on a woman's penis he then decided what a woman was and wasn't

Xpectations · 17/03/2021 16:00

Whether he agrees or not with sex offenders abusing women is not the point. The point is he’s enabling it and then calling women bigots for having boundaries.

Original poster
talkingdeadscot · 17/03/2021 16:00

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Tell him you identify as a man and he’s now gay. See if that makes him sit up and think at all!
Grin Done that. In fact I've done everything suggested on this and my previous thread and he's not shifting. It's just so fucking disappointing. This is the second marriage for both of us and I thought that was it. Now I have to start again at 60 with my health shot to pieces in Scotland of all places Angry
OP posts:
notyourhandmaid · 17/03/2021 16:02

Oh, honey, I think I remember that other thread. Flowers

CatChant · 17/03/2021 16:03

Women's rights are not his to give away.

I am sorry, OP. I could not stay with a man like that either. I would be in a permanent state of fury.

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/03/2021 16:06

Why does he even care? He has no skin in the game from what I can glean. Honestly my DP just supports me as he doesn’t really give a shit either way but knows it’s important to me.

Biscuitsanddoombar · 17/03/2021 16:07

Oh lord OP I thought this sounded familiar & I remember your other thread

You’re not being over dramatic & he is being an utter twunt

alkanet · 17/03/2021 16:10

OP

I think you have made your mind up about this guy, he sounds like a controlling coercive arsewipe. The whole submitting to an intimate examination thing is a massive red flag to me, and I would be looking for a well planned exit strategy for when you feel better. He's setting my wrong wrong wrong bells off!

WindyPudding · 17/03/2021 17:01

in Scotland of all places

That made me laugh OP!

SapphosRock · 17/03/2021 17:03

Oh OP. I'm in a similar situation and it's hard.

My DW and I don't want to split up over it so we have agreed not to discuss it. We often slip up and end up talking about the issues which only leads to us falling out.

You won't change his mind unfortunately. He might come around one day but it won't be from your arguments.

No advice really, but lots of sympathy Thanks

userzerozero · 17/03/2021 17:20

With the last decade of my life being defined by sex in the form of motherhood, loss of career and menopause, I am deeply invested in women’s issues. The JKR incident drove me over the edge. To be honest, if we didn’t have a daughter who needs my full-time attention and the pandemic constraining my work options, I would be divorced right now. My husband feels that I am overly invested in the definition of woman. He can see my perspective better after six months of sharing information, but I feel unsafe with the lengthy dismissal of my concerns. I have to weigh the impact of divorce on my daughter’s life against a strong desire to leave.

Erkrie · 17/03/2021 17:23

I couldn't be with someone who didn't support my rights and safety. I'm so sorry op.

RedDeerRunning · 17/03/2021 17:53

Lovely that he feels he has the right to wave away women's rights so casually. Whilst having to give up precisely nothing himself.

RedDeerRunning · 17/03/2021 17:56

Although having now RTFT, I wonder if he just knows how to wind you up, and that's what he's doing

AnyOldPrion · 17/03/2021 17:58

Good luck with splitting up, OP. Keep plodding on with your plans. I hope you can build a better life without him.

Original poster
talkingdeadscot · 17/03/2021 18:23

@RedDeerRunning

Although having now RTFT, I wonder if he just knows how to wind you up, and that's what he's doing
He's not winding me up, he absolutely believes what he's saying. Apparently he's changed his views on gender over the last 10 years but didn't think to talk to me about it at all. He's now bisexual but didn't discuss that with me either. There's more to this than I initially thought but he's not winding me up.
OP posts:
Original poster
talkingdeadscot · 17/03/2021 18:25

@AnyOldPrion

Good luck with splitting up, OP. Keep plodding on with your plans. I hope you can build a better life without him.
Thank you. I had the foresight to be in charge of all the finances so I've no worries about him running off with all the money! I wouldn't do that to him either but I'm definitely changing my will! Luckily there's a good thread about women centred organisations on here Grin
OP posts:
Doyoumind · 17/03/2021 18:31

Does he worry about going out walking alone at night? I assume not.

Does he worry about you going out walking alone at night? If yes, is he worried about you being attacked by men or women? If men, then how can he not be concerned about men abusing access to spaces even if he thinks TWAW?

If he doesn't worry about you out alone at night then clearly LTB.

BaseDrops · 17/03/2021 18:43

So he’s actively campaigning snd has recently become bisexual. And is telling his wife she is akin to a racist for wanting to only have female sex medical practitioners for intimate exams.

I wouldn’t be having unprotected sex with him. I wonder what the next reveal will be. Sorry OP he sucks. Throw the whole man away.

Waitwhat23 · 17/03/2021 18:47

Frankly, they're not his rights to give away.

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