Have you ever ... ? (Things women have to deal with, that men don't)

[EssenceOfDittany]

I had a conversation with a naive "be kind" sort of person (male) the other day at work, who casually came out with something about sex being basically irrelevant next to gender identity. I reminded him that the sole reason for women's oppression throughout history is biology, i.e. sex. Thankfully he revised his position pretty quickly and looked like he felt a bit silly for having said it in the first place. (I think he is also blissfully unaware of how controversial such a "belief" is these days, and was only parroting the thing about gender because he'd heard lots of other people say it.)

This got me thinking, I'd like to compile a list of some of the crappy things girls/women have to deal with in their everyday lives that men never/rarely do, so that when someone more set in their opinions says "sex is irrelevant", I can say "really? So, have you ever ... ?"

A few to start us off:

… spent the entire day with a jumper tied around your waste to hide the blood stain on your trousers when your period caught you off-guard?

… left a social gathering earlier than you wanted because you realised you didn’t have enough sanpro to get you through the evening?

… made an excuse to not go swimming when you’d like to, because you realise you haven’t done the requisite bikini/leg/armpit maintenance?

… spent hours painfully removing your pubic hair when you didn’t want to, because an intimate male partner told you it was disgusting and you didn't have the confidence to tell him to sod off?

… endlessly plucked/waxed/obsessed over your upper lip hair because it would be a disaster if someone realised that was your natural state?

… taken the route three times as long, just to avoid going down a short alley alone in the dark?

… clutched your keys between your fingers with the “blade” sticking outwards to make you feel like you might stand a chance if attacked by a man, since you know you’ll have no chance based on strength alone?

… asked a family member to track your location when you’re out alone, and told them exactly where they should expect you to be every step of the journey, so they can raise the alarm if something happens to you?

… felt relieved when your company moved to WFH, because you could finally stop putting on a brave face at your desk while in agony on your period?

… worried about judgement from your colleagues when you say you're “feeling ill” a day or two every month?

... had a constant sick feeling in your stomach when out alone in your local area after dark, because you're afraid of being assaulted/mugged?

Please help me flesh out the list further! I’ve only scratched the surface, and I know there are so many more examples, relating to motherhood, career progression, DV, women’s health, general safety, all sorts. I want to rattle off this list next time someone dares suggest that “sex is irrelevant”.

Being told that almost anything you visit your GP for is “anxiety”.

@Love51 I know! I’d seen “vaginal dryness” listed as one of the fun things of menopause but I hadn’t realised it was a euphemism for “the skin of your vulva & vagina will thin and dry out making you sore & itchy for days on end, in come cases your bits will shrink and sex will become painful or impossible” it doesn’t affect all women thank god but a majority of menopausal and post menopausal women will have it

The only treatment is topical oestrogen which is a fight to get as most doctors aren’t interested in it or up to date on the effect of menopause.

There’s no way if this affected mens sex life , there wouldn’t be a fuck ton of research on it

Vaginal atrophy is also a side effect of the drugs girls who are transitioning take. It makes me beyond sad that girls in their late teens and early twenties are going through this experience too :(

My FIL constantly saying to me, while I was on maternity leave raising his grandchildren 'you know, you've got to have a work ethic in life'

Yeah because I pushed two humans out of my vagina for some extra time out of the office.

When working away & staying in hotels, I would have room service rather than face the restaurant alone.

I'd sometimes use the restaurant, but I'd always take a book, or nowadays an iPad. I once had a lovely pair of older ladies tell me how brave I was - I joined them for coffee which was nice.

If I just wanted a beer, then obviously room service not the bar.

Never having to worry about the physical effects of pregnancy on their body.

A final check over your shoulder as you go up the path and open the front door to make sure no one tries to barge in with you...

To be expected to BE everything when you become a mum.
A mum at home, a mum that works, a mum that bakes, a mum that sews, a mum that does everything.

It's quite liberating not to do everything but it's still expected from society that as a woman you fill every role.

Totally unnecessary breast examination when being treated for a gynae issue at 26. Consultant did them as a matter of course but gave no choice. It was totally uncalled for in the manner he did it and no rationale.

Cars designed for men.

Drug development that ignores women or women's needs.

Getting recognised as 'somebody's wife' while on a new freelance job by somebody you've worked with before because the person you freelance with (and happen to be far more experienced than) is male...

Being asked if I need the tradesman to “Check with my husband” before deciding on work

Having a builder insist on checking with your husband before starting work on your house to make sure I've 'not got confused about what he wants..'

Ha, cross post @spudsuliked

Being introduced when in a couple and my male partner being asked 'what do you do?' and me being ignored.

Feeling terrified in taxies, especially in dark places or those where there are few people.

• Got the period while wearing white shorts to school and not noticing
• Having to go to the school receptionist to ask for SanPro as period came on with no warning sign
• Having extremely painful periods only to be told that's normal (thanks mum - not)
• Having a guy masturbate on me on the tube
• Having a guy shout at me in another language at Bond Street Station, then following me onto the same carriage. Thank goodness for the three pensioner couples who asked me to sit with them and who stayed on for another stop to make sure I got off the tube alright
• Taking a taxi home instead of the night bus as I'd be on my own
• Having a few days of migraine both around ovulation and my period
• Not being taken seriously when talking about heavy, painful periods
• Being told I needed to be "kinder" by a female colleague
• Being told I was bossy, yet male colleagues were "assertive"
• Being asked why I didn't have kids or wasn't married
• Having to pay a supplement to care insurance for not having kids (in Germany) despite having brought up my younger siblings, yet my male colleague who just couldn't be arsed to put a condom on and who never saw his daughter didn't have to, because "he had a kid". To be fair, my bosses saw the unfairness in this situation but could do nothing as it was law
• Not being taken seriously by a mechanic when I told them what was wrong with the car only for them to find out I was
• Not being taken seriously by a car sales man because I was a woman, in jeans who looked at a car that he deemed out of my price range, I went to a different car dealer who was more than happy to help me. When the first dealership was in trouble they weren't so fussy and rang me several times. I told them that I bought elsewhere and they wouldn't be in trouble had they treated their potential customers better
• Being asked if my "mummy" was at home by a guy who wanted to sell a hoover. Told him where to stick it.
• Having friends walk a 3km detour with you so you wouldn't have to walk home alone
• Being talked over and belittled by a colleague because a woman couldn't possibly have the brain capacity to understand what our company was doing - again I had the support of my bosses.
• Being told by a female colleague that instead of using the money they had collected for my birthday present on said present it would be better invested in a classified add so I could finally find a husband and not be left on the shelf. I was 25, she never said the same to her son who was the same age. It got her a written warning, though, so she thought twice from that day on about what she said.

Having a physical exam (for an office job!) aged 19, and being told to strip down to my underwear then touch my toes.

Being expected to stay in touch with both sides of the family when it comes to birthday and Christmas cards.

Having any abdominal pain dismissed as 'women's problems' and to be got on with whilst running a house, looking after children and holding down a job.

Walking down the aisle of a plane to the loo when flying business class for work - and being imperiously summoned by an older man in a nearby row: 'Miss, come and take this away' as he'd finished with his lunch tray.

My male colleagues will go to a restaurant outside the hotel to eat on their own when travelling alone.
They will go in the hotel bar for a drink - not for me, even a coffee unless I want to be leered at
No one asks them about 'who is looking after the children' when away
No one asks them 'what does your wife think about you travelling for work, I wouldn't want MY spouse doing that'
No one says 'why did you bother having children if you were going to put them in childcare'
They haven't had to decide whether to report a colleague for being inappropriate and how it might reflect on them in the future
No one asks them why they don't have children and then persue the topic
They don't get asked repeatedly to find them some one who knows about X topic and only shut up when someone tells them that yes, this is the right person and in fact a domain expert.
No one calls them a 'lovely man' when on a professional call
They aren't told they need to have a manicure (and pay for it themselves) to look professional
They don't think twice about who is still in the bar at a work gathering, let alone double checking that there is someone safe there
They never look over their shoulder when walking back to a hotel room

So, so many things

Dealing with pregnancy after rape is probably the worst.

Other end of the scale, the absolute nightmare that is finding a running bra for biggish boobs.

Oh and a funny one: my partner has no need for high strength iron supplements but pharmacists are always happy to sell them to him. I am veganish, and I menstruate and if I don't supplement get very low ferritin levels that lead to exhaustion and hair loss.. I usually have to explain this in great detail and even then I sometimes have pharmacists outright refuse to sell them to me.

When working away & staying in hotels, I would have room service rather than face the restaurant alone.

This. I travelled alone a lot for work for many years and every single time I decided to eat in the restaurant or, even worse, have a quick drink in the hotel bar, some middle aged man decided to join me (whether I liked it or not, and without asking). At best they felt they were 'saving me' from being alone. Male colleagues can go to restaurants/bars in and outside the hotel with no such encounters.

Walking home in the road because it's further from the bushes at the side in case anyone jumps out

It's ridiculous isn't it. I had a conversation with my 9yo that she shouldn't walk next to bushes but at the same time shouldn't walk right next to the road because there was a few reports of men in van trying to grab schoolgirls.

Being told by adult males claiming womenhood that all the shit we have to deal with is 'cis' privilege and they are far more oppressed then we will ever be.
Funny to that they never 'identify' into doing the drudge work and majority of childcare.......

Not read whole thread but I was strangely affected by the "not going swimming because body hair" one. I know we should be able to do what we want. But sometimes I don't have the energy to face the male gaze. I think I've internalised the male gaze to some extent. The self - policing is so ingrained I wouldn't have even thought to add it to this thread. God how fucking depressing.

Not read whole thread but I was strangely affected by the "not going swimming because body hair" one. I know we should be able to do what we want. But sometimes I don't have the energy to face the male gaze

I don't even notice it. Just do it. Who cares what some random penis-owner thinks?

Being told by adult males claiming womenhood that all the shit we have to deal with is 'cis' privilege and they are far more oppressed then we will ever be.

Oh yeah. Reading the work of two respected female academics, who don't have to be anonymous like I do, and finding that my wish that I had been able to report my rapes makes me a "white feminist" and therefore to be despised.

Working as a software engineer:

• being the one expected to answer the phones, answer the doorbell, water the plants
• having your team addressed as "Gents"
• being an 'honorary' man
• being asked to "make me a bacon sandwich" by a colleague
• having colleagues who help out and act friendly, sooner or later expecting more, asking you out/treating you badly when you attempt to politely decline
• being the one manoeuvred out when you make a formal complaint about the way a male colleague is treating you