Have you ever ... ? (Things women have to deal with, that men don't)

[EssenceOfDittany]

I had a conversation with a naive "be kind" sort of person (male) the other day at work, who casually came out with something about sex being basically irrelevant next to gender identity. I reminded him that the sole reason for women's oppression throughout history is biology, i.e. sex. Thankfully he revised his position pretty quickly and looked like he felt a bit silly for having said it in the first place. (I think he is also blissfully unaware of how controversial such a "belief" is these days, and was only parroting the thing about gender because he'd heard lots of other people say it.)

This got me thinking, I'd like to compile a list of some of the crappy things girls/women have to deal with in their everyday lives that men never/rarely do, so that when someone more set in their opinions says "sex is irrelevant", I can say "really? So, have you ever ... ?"

A few to start us off:

… spent the entire day with a jumper tied around your waste to hide the blood stain on your trousers when your period caught you off-guard?

… left a social gathering earlier than you wanted because you realised you didn’t have enough sanpro to get you through the evening?

… made an excuse to not go swimming when you’d like to, because you realise you haven’t done the requisite bikini/leg/armpit maintenance?

… spent hours painfully removing your pubic hair when you didn’t want to, because an intimate male partner told you it was disgusting and you didn't have the confidence to tell him to sod off?

… endlessly plucked/waxed/obsessed over your upper lip hair because it would be a disaster if someone realised that was your natural state?

… taken the route three times as long, just to avoid going down a short alley alone in the dark?

… clutched your keys between your fingers with the “blade” sticking outwards to make you feel like you might stand a chance if attacked by a man, since you know you’ll have no chance based on strength alone?

… asked a family member to track your location when you’re out alone, and told them exactly where they should expect you to be every step of the journey, so they can raise the alarm if something happens to you?

… felt relieved when your company moved to WFH, because you could finally stop putting on a brave face at your desk while in agony on your period?

… worried about judgement from your colleagues when you say you're “feeling ill” a day or two every month?

... had a constant sick feeling in your stomach when out alone in your local area after dark, because you're afraid of being assaulted/mugged?

Please help me flesh out the list further! I’ve only scratched the surface, and I know there are so many more examples, relating to motherhood, career progression, DV, women’s health, general safety, all sorts. I want to rattle off this list next time someone dares suggest that “sex is irrelevant”.

Had a doctor refuse to explain what words on the scan report meant and when I insisted, he asked me what my job was. I refused to tell him and explained why. As it happens I was a stay at home mum with an Cambridge degree and I knew that if I said stay at home mum (with my very northern accent) he would judge that I wasn’t intelligent enough to understand my own body.

I had a doctor tell me, 'I could explain the science, but I doubt you'd really understand it.'
I told him where I worked. He said, 'In that case, I rather think you'd understand it better than I do.' So why assume, FFS?

I'll add:

Doing Finals with the period from hell, and no loo break for what felt like three years.

Having workmen wanting to speak to “your husband” about the work they’ve just done - it’s my bloody house, paid for with my money, don’t patronise me with “oh, you’re one of those clever women doing it on your own are you?”.

Not wanting to tell said workman (or any other salesmen etc that come to my door) that I live alone as I don’t particularly want random men knowing I live on my own.

Being discriminated against for jobs/promotions as I’m a woman of childbearing age so they assume I’ll be going off on maternity at some point.

Having to appease a violent partner to avoid a beating, with your heart in your throat, walking on eggshells.

Not being permitted to display anger or any other negative emotion, as it's being strident or overly emotional.

Finding a large, strong, in your face member of the opposite sex in somewhere you thought was safe.

When your contributions in meetings are ignored, and then a man comes out with exactly the same thing a few minutes later, to great appreciation. (So well portrayed in early Fast Show)

Realising now I’m over 50 that a lot of the time men listened to me & agreed with me in the past was because they thought I was hot not because they valued what I said

Oh yes! It came to me in my late 20s though. My (older, married) boss had been very supportive and I felt valued at work. Then he changed jobs and at his leaving do he put his hand on my thigh and told me he loved me.

Just thought of another one.

A male friend insisting that all women are bisexual and want to have sex with another women. Men though are either straight or gay. No woman can possibly be straight.

@Yumyumdindins I registered at a new GP and apparently the one who's practice it was had to meet new joiners and do their Bp etc. He told me I was a lovely young lady ( I was 28.) it's that fine line isn't it, he was quite an old charmer and so I didn't mind, but it just not professional, but I didn't say anything or complain.

It being implied that women who take maternity leave to have children, are self indulgent. If women don't have babies, then there is no future generation of people. Just from an economic outlook, there needs to be a next generation of tax payers.

After a departmental meeting, newish male colleague comments “What is it with all these middle-aged women?”

Well, we have opinions because we’ve been in the job for more than 5 minutes. What was your contribution, sunshine?

The bitter rage associated with having two kids, emcs, months long in early labour, vbac and stitches, suspected endo with giant clotty periods and then discussing contraception with my partner who doesn't see why he should get a vasectomy in preference to me going through all that again. Like, not even a consideration after what I'd been through. And he gets the have that choice while I either put up or get out.

And finally, not having the means to get out.

Being told by FIL that I was selfish for going back to work after having children for what he insisted was only “personal fulfilment”. He didn’t have any problem with his son working.

Being given a book, by him, called “The best job in the world”, to explain to me what motherhood was all about.

This is quite cathartic.

I was a late developer so at 13 still had a girl-ish figure - no breasts, very little body hair. After a party at a friend's house I woke up to find a her boyfriend's friend trying to rape me.
As it was he couldn't enter me as my pelvic floor muscles had clamped shut so I had to give him oral sex instead - I was so innocent I thought he'd urinated in my mouth...

When working away & staying in hotels, I would have room service rather than face the restaurant alone.

Everything else has been listed.

@ButterflyBitch your boss sounds awful too
The same place l was told not to go in the warehouse as part of the risk assessment but every time I asked someone if they could check something out while they were in the warehouse l was told "you are pregnant not disabled!" All these twats had daughters too!
Thankfully since then, both my jobs have been in mostly female staffed places so l don't have to defend myself against this kind of misogyny

@SignsofSpring

I kind of wish I hadn't read this today, I relate to so many of these! I've got two girls, I mostly like being a woman myself, then I read all this and think oh what have they got in store.

Yes. I've got daughters. Very depressing read.

In 2021!

You're a woman! And an engineer... Would you like a job?

From the manager of an engineering firm. They wanted more women engineers...

I have something a bit like endometriosis called anenmyosis. My periods can be awful. Also get a lot of pain around ovulation. I work through this but I'd does effect me and I'm absolutely exhausted.

My partner manages a team of all women. I say to him all the time remember they're doing a great job dealing with the same shit you do while painfully bleeding for a few days a month. And then dealing with fuck knows what symptoms a week or more evey month.

Being told to ‘smile love, might never happen’ fuck off you misogynistic prick.

Being in my 50's now and largely invisible in the world, I still get this fucking shit said to me, only now it's by men younger than me, I think they imagine their pitying tone will cheer me up, well it won't so fuck off and never say it to another woman again.

• had a male colleague ask another male colleague where he should put these files to be told, “dunno, ask InTheNight” with a point to me. Then the first male colleague had to ask four more male colleagues, all who supplied the same answer before finally talking to me.
• been expected to take meeting minutes despite being the same level as everyone
• been asked to do admin, not within your job because a man is busy. Printing, scanning, finding an email, scheduling a meeting, sending out an agenda, typing something up
• ever bought, then organised the work collection, even if it’s for someone who directly reports to you.
• had a migraine because you’ve come on your period and the smell of aftershave is an assault on your senses
• broken your arm and not been given a choice in the colour of cast (yes, this was when I was a kid but even at 10 I realised it was fair boys got to pick yellow, green or blue and I got shoved in highlighter pink)
• been sexually harassed at a family event but continued to smile because you didn’t want to upset everyone
• had your partner meet you after your work shift because you were scared to walk home after a customer wouldn’t leave you alone
• started your periods before your class mates and hidden that fact because you were ashamed and scared of being bullied for it, which includes trying to silently remove your sanitary towel in a school bathroom.
• have people been surprised by your technical ability
• removed your wedding ring for a job interview and if you have to talk about your spouse, made sure to not use pronouns because you’re a woman of child bearing age
• had anyone question why you didn’t change your name on marriage or even years after not changing your name, still get post addressed to your spouse’s last name
• if you’re getting some work done on the house or the car and the person doesn’t like your answer, do they go and ask your spouse the exact same question hoping to get a different answer
• had your mum, your friend’s mum tell you how to ward off an attack before a night out or received a warning not to get too drunk because you all need to look after each other
• been made uncomfortable by a man on public transport, either prepositioning you constantly or visually sexually assaulting you, and nobody helped you

This has reminded me.

In our local town centre there are often young men selling energy something.

One always calls to women with 'excuse me miss' I told him once that calling a grown woman miss is not appropriate and if he wants to be polite, madam is better.

I took this same bloke to task when he called out to an older woman in front of me 'nice highlights' this woman looked upset and offended. I told him off and that making comments about a woman's appearance is never ok. He tried to justify himself by saying his sister was a hairdresser so he knew about hair dye.

Being expected to hide severe migraines, joint pain and other physical symptoms because they were related to the menopause despite similar symptoms in male colleagues being accepted as reasons to be off work.

Being given 2 paracetamols after C-section
Being told by the Dr I'm tired and achey because I've got toddlers (when in fact I'm ill)
Being given antidepressants when I need an iron infusion
Waiting to miscarry, but still doing the school run and shopping.
Being sexually harassed at work
Being asked about my childcare arrangements during a job interview
OMG there are so many

Been referred to as “X and X’s Mum” since the first was born. Everyone remembers my kids’ names and never mine.

When working away & staying in hotels, I would have room service rather than face the restaurant alone.

Oh same. And so did my female colleague. My male colleague was utterly baffled: "It's just eating food" he said.

Men have much more freedom of movement, even as children. Those of us with brothers know all too well the double standards of male Vs female child-rearing. Girls are constantly on guard.

Being assumed you're a secretary when answering the departmental phone. This has never happened to any of my male peers. Nor have they had the conversations about how unusual it is to see a woman in the datacentre, which are all well-meaning, but it does become tiresome.

Then pointing out on mails addressed to "dear gents" or similar that we are not all men.

Getting the signs on the doors changed from,"beware, men working behind doors." (It's just not a hazard, if I am the one lifting floor tiles.)

Being told you fit in the team because you're not really a woman.

Being told you can think logically because you don't have enough female hormones (I was so premenstrual at that point, too, I had too many bloody female hormones.)

Being told there's no sexism in this workplace, and when you point out a load of examples and explain the concept of death by 1000 cuts, you just get told you're over-sensitive.