Have you ever ... ? (Things women have to deal with, that men don't)

[EssenceOfDittany]

I had a conversation with a naive "be kind" sort of person (male) the other day at work, who casually came out with something about sex being basically irrelevant next to gender identity. I reminded him that the sole reason for women's oppression throughout history is biology, i.e. sex. Thankfully he revised his position pretty quickly and looked like he felt a bit silly for having said it in the first place. (I think he is also blissfully unaware of how controversial such a "belief" is these days, and was only parroting the thing about gender because he'd heard lots of other people say it.)

This got me thinking, I'd like to compile a list of some of the crappy things girls/women have to deal with in their everyday lives that men never/rarely do, so that when someone more set in their opinions says "sex is irrelevant", I can say "really? So, have you ever ... ?"

A few to start us off:

… spent the entire day with a jumper tied around your waste to hide the blood stain on your trousers when your period caught you off-guard?

… left a social gathering earlier than you wanted because you realised you didn’t have enough sanpro to get you through the evening?

… made an excuse to not go swimming when you’d like to, because you realise you haven’t done the requisite bikini/leg/armpit maintenance?

… spent hours painfully removing your pubic hair when you didn’t want to, because an intimate male partner told you it was disgusting and you didn't have the confidence to tell him to sod off?

… endlessly plucked/waxed/obsessed over your upper lip hair because it would be a disaster if someone realised that was your natural state?

… taken the route three times as long, just to avoid going down a short alley alone in the dark?

… clutched your keys between your fingers with the “blade” sticking outwards to make you feel like you might stand a chance if attacked by a man, since you know you’ll have no chance based on strength alone?

… asked a family member to track your location when you’re out alone, and told them exactly where they should expect you to be every step of the journey, so they can raise the alarm if something happens to you?

… felt relieved when your company moved to WFH, because you could finally stop putting on a brave face at your desk while in agony on your period?

… worried about judgement from your colleagues when you say you're “feeling ill” a day or two every month?

... had a constant sick feeling in your stomach when out alone in your local area after dark, because you're afraid of being assaulted/mugged?

Please help me flesh out the list further! I’ve only scratched the surface, and I know there are so many more examples, relating to motherhood, career progression, DV, women’s health, general safety, all sorts. I want to rattle off this list next time someone dares suggest that “sex is irrelevant”.

Switching shoes outside work so I could wear my walking boots in the snow and not fall on my arse before switching to court shoes for the office.

It being acceptable that my body would be damaged to a lesser or greater degree by birth, and apparently we are all fine with that.

My body being damaged to some degree by birth.

God there’s so much, isn’t there? Could go on for ages but it’s just making me too cross.

Being told that it was not worth applying for promotion when pregnant because part of the process is to demonstrate what you will do in the next 12 months. Then being told on return that you will need to wait until the next round of promotions (18 months later) because the criteria include meeting certain sales targets in the last 12 months. All despite everyone agreeing that you are basically already doing the job you want to be promoted to. Then being asked to train a male colleague who was promoted in certain aspects of the job. Meanwhile less experienced male colleagues have been promoted twice so end up interviewing you for promotion in 18 months time- and because you have already been doing the job but still need to demonstrate how you will 'grow the business' in the next 12 months your targets for promotion are much, much higher than theirs were.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

When l was pregnant, l suffered with morning sickness til week 25 and there was a certain topic that always made me throw up. The men in the office l worked with used to talk about it constantly because they found it hilarious watching me run to the loo to be sick. Twats.

That’s horrible what the fuck is wrong with people? When I was pregnant with my first and throwing up multiple times a day my boss sent an email round telling others not to check on me and not to ask how I was when I’d been sick. Luckily my friends ignored that.

I had a similar convo recently with my DH. Whilst WFH I have been trying to get out for a walk when I can for 30 mins- my DH is also working and can't always go with me. We live semi-rurally and once you hit the top of the road it's all country lanes and fields. I always share my location with him as a live update on whatsapp as a safety thing and he asked me about it- sort of mocking me like 'Oh should I share mine so you know when I move from the office to the toilet?' It genuinely never occurred to him that as a woman I had always had it drummed into me when going anywhere alone to let people know where I was going, how long I would be etc. ultimately so that if I was attacked or abducted etc. people would know to raise the alarm/look for me. It horrifies me when I contemplate it that this is how I was brought up- not because I blame my parents as who wouldn't teach their child how to keep themselves safe- but because it's so sad that even now in my mid 30s I know that I am more likely to be attacked when walking alone than my husband is.

Being told to ‘smile love, might never happen’ fuck off you misogynistic prick.

Trying to remove a tampon in a busy, too small public toilet cubicle while your toddler is trying to examine the contents of the toilet bowl to see if your poo is stinky - while everyone outside sniggers are the interaction.

Having to use such force to remove the tampon that it eventually shoots out high speed smearing blood all over the cubicle and then having to try and subtly clean it up while said toddler asks why you’ve wiped your bloody bum on the wall.

Wrestling with fanny pad bins that haven’t been emptied for weeks.

Trying not to rest an arse cheek on a fanny pad bin in a public loo because cubicles aren’t designed for women’s arses.

Having the fannypad twist while wearing it so the sticky side attaches to your pubes and then having to slowly remove said pad and most likely said pubes too. Of course the pad never actually sticks to your knickers, the adhesive doesn’t work then. (Thankfully use reusables now)

Men ignoring when your DH/ brother / DP is with you and only talking man to man.

Trades needing to speak to your husband or wanting your husband there so you can make a decision.

@Akire As soon as my DH came to my son's consultant appointment he got his op he needed. Everytime I went it was I was worrying too much, he'll grow out of it. We'd been discharged twice. I had DH ring up and get him seen again despite being discharged and the consultant only spoke to DH at the appointment. So bloody annoying as consultant was youngish rather than a older guy. But the op solved things.

@NymphInYellow

When I was 17, a man in his 30s started talking to me on the bus. He moved seats to sit by me (so I was trapped) and was trying to chat me up. I was trying to be polite so I didn't piss him off, but telling him no I'm not interested. I got to my stop and he followed me off the bus. It was broad daylight in the middle of town, but I was petrified he would do something to me. Got to the pub, met my friends, I was shaking and terrified. My male friend said, 'Well you are a very smiley person, you probably led him on.'

This reminds me of one. Deliberately sitting on the aisle side of a seat on the bus to stop the inevitable drunk (at 8am)/dirty old man sitting next to me. If anyone needed the seat I’d get up and let them sit at the window.

@ButterflyBitch

Being told to ‘smile love, might never happen’ fuck off you misogynistic prick.

..and they never say it to men do they?

(Which neatly proves your assertion that it's misogynistic shite.)

That’s horrible  what the fuck is wrong with people?

Not people but men. Forgot made it very clear that it was the men in her office that behaved this way.

@Boohooyouho

Being told how to drive my train better by a man on a platform. Incidentally he was very wrong and had no clue what he was taking about but that didn’t stop him. Not one of my male colleagues has experienced similar, but all of the female ones have.

I remember being on a bus once and two boys in their early teens (certainly not old enough to be driving themselves) going on and on about how crap the female driver was. There was nothing wrong with her driving

Sexism ingrained from an early age.

Been given all bottom sets and no classroom of your own as a teacher because you returned from 6 months maternity leave mid year. I thought that was just me because of a crap hod. I came back in September, but hadn't been there the summer before to fight my corner about having a fair timetable. I had 7 of the worst behaved classes in the school!!! And none of the nice classes. It really, truly felt like a punishment.

I doubt he’ll ever look at baby granddaughter and realise the odds are high she’ll have a male talk explicitly to her before she understands what he’s talking about exactly (but she’ll know she’s the one thats been made to feel embarrassed and dirty), she’ll probably have had someone expose his penis to her before shes 11, Almost certainly be sexually assaulted by 15 and probably raped by 20 (particularly if she goes to uni) and that there’s nothing I can do to protect her .

Yeah I know NAMALT

Having my arse smacked and grabbed so hard it left a bruise whilst I was working as a police officer in full uniform. I was on my own at 2am outside a nightclub, it was so busy all the other units were tied up.

He was actually quite surprised when I arrested him for sexual assault.

@ButterflyBitch

Being told to ‘smile love, might never happen’ fuck off you misogynistic prick.

Ugh yes. SO many times.

Having to get dh to send emails to the (girls) school to be sure they will be taken seriously. All my friends do it - they send day to day stuff but “imports “ things come from their dh!

Regular groping from boys and men from 7 to 35 from family members, school friends colleagues, and strangers in the street or bars

Periods and accidents or being taken by surprise and unprepared

All of the grooming required in order to not look hairy when wanting to swim, sunbath, have sex

Men having deeper voices easily talk over women in meetings so we have to patiently wait until they have talked themselves out before finishing our point.

Way back when choosing my GCSE's and wanting to take physics in which I was an 'A' student being told by my teacher it was a subject for boys. So didn't take it

Simply having to accept that most men can overpower you if they choose so taking precautions in daily life to protect yourself. Such as not going out alone at night. Or politely removing yourself from the company of men coming on to you without encouragement.

Having your make CEO come close to tears in a rant about the Me Too movement is encouraging women to lie about their experiences, and how he is terrified that his son might be falsely accused of something.

His three daughters' experiences didn't seem to enter his head.

Oh, and he said all this with his hand on my upper thigh, as a 'demonstration' of the kind of molehills that women turn into mountains.

When I look back I can't believe I just sat there. I was spaced out for about two days straight after that whole conversation.

Being naked from the waist down in a room full of strangers because the safe delivery of your baby depends on it.

Walking home in the road because it's further from the bushes at the side in case anyone jumps out.

Been followed home by a man.

Been told by your male boss at age 16 that he could "hang his coat on those". Had same boss taking a sneaky look up the short sleeves of my T-shirt when I had my arms out and commenting on what he could see.

@Yumyumdindins

Having my arse smacked and grabbed so hard it left a bruise whilst I was working as a police officer in full uniform. I was on my own at 2am outside a nightclub, it was so busy all the other units were tied up.

He was actually quite surprised when I arrested him for sexual assault.

Sorry that happened to you, but fucking hell, brilliant response.

(Reminds me of the time as a teen some bloke groped my arse on the escalator. When we got to the top I turned and kicked him in the shins as hard as I could. I still remember the look of utter astonishment on his face... "But why would a teenage girl who is a complete stranger to me take offence at my behaviour? What have I done?"

An overweight GP weighed me for the contraceptive pill who then told me, ‘Your weight is fine but, you know, summer is coming’ whilst looking me up and down disapprovingly.

He had a food stain on his tie and his shirt didn’t button properly because he was so fat. I wish I’d just got up and marched out but I needed him to write the prescription so I just sat there quietly.

@Biscuitsanddoombar

Being asked why I don’t have children (I can’t have them) when DH never is

Having vaginal atrophy and then discovering that there is next ti no treatment or research into it beyond a low dose of topical oestrogen which doesn’t work for a lot of women even though over 50% of women get it. Somehow I think if men over 50 said sex felt like razor blades, pharmaceutical companies would be falling over themselves to come up with better medication

Realising now I’m over 50 that a lot of the time men listened to me & agreed with me in the past was because they thought I was hot not because they valued what I said

Having the middle paragraph from @Biscuitsanddoombar come as a surprise to me when I'm 40. Is that what I've got to look forward to? How did I not know this?

I kind of wish I hadn't read this today, I relate to so many of these! I've got two girls, I mostly like being a woman myself, then I read all this and think oh what have they got in store.