Have you ever ... ? (Things women have to deal with, that men don't)

[EssenceOfDittany]

I had a conversation with a naive "be kind" sort of person (male) the other day at work, who casually came out with something about sex being basically irrelevant next to gender identity. I reminded him that the sole reason for women's oppression throughout history is biology, i.e. sex. Thankfully he revised his position pretty quickly and looked like he felt a bit silly for having said it in the first place. (I think he is also blissfully unaware of how controversial such a "belief" is these days, and was only parroting the thing about gender because he'd heard lots of other people say it.)

This got me thinking, I'd like to compile a list of some of the crappy things girls/women have to deal with in their everyday lives that men never/rarely do, so that when someone more set in their opinions says "sex is irrelevant", I can say "really? So, have you ever ... ?"

A few to start us off:

… spent the entire day with a jumper tied around your waste to hide the blood stain on your trousers when your period caught you off-guard?

… left a social gathering earlier than you wanted because you realised you didn’t have enough sanpro to get you through the evening?

… made an excuse to not go swimming when you’d like to, because you realise you haven’t done the requisite bikini/leg/armpit maintenance?

… spent hours painfully removing your pubic hair when you didn’t want to, because an intimate male partner told you it was disgusting and you didn't have the confidence to tell him to sod off?

… endlessly plucked/waxed/obsessed over your upper lip hair because it would be a disaster if someone realised that was your natural state?

… taken the route three times as long, just to avoid going down a short alley alone in the dark?

… clutched your keys between your fingers with the “blade” sticking outwards to make you feel like you might stand a chance if attacked by a man, since you know you’ll have no chance based on strength alone?

… asked a family member to track your location when you’re out alone, and told them exactly where they should expect you to be every step of the journey, so they can raise the alarm if something happens to you?

… felt relieved when your company moved to WFH, because you could finally stop putting on a brave face at your desk while in agony on your period?

… worried about judgement from your colleagues when you say you're “feeling ill” a day or two every month?

... had a constant sick feeling in your stomach when out alone in your local area after dark, because you're afraid of being assaulted/mugged?

Please help me flesh out the list further! I’ve only scratched the surface, and I know there are so many more examples, relating to motherhood, career progression, DV, women’s health, general safety, all sorts. I want to rattle off this list next time someone dares suggest that “sex is irrelevant”.

Advised to step down in my job because my menopause symptoms - hot sweats and adult acne - made me look unprofessional

Oh, and stripping down to my waist the first time I had my blood pressure checked when I asked my the GP if he would prescribe me the pill at 16.

@EssenceOfDittany

Having my fathers family friend
(make sexual overtures at me),he tried to give me a French kiss
when I went over to vist,to give a gift for his newborn gran child.
I thought his wife would be there with their daughter.

(His wife was in hospital.😑

If I driving in some local areas, I'm safer with my 18 year old son sat next to me while driving

Being aware and on constant alert when around men, in case any of them touch me while walking by me, grabbing my waist or rubbing me back, because there isn't enough space in the entire half empty room

Being frightened when waiting for a bus in the dark on the way home from work and having sexual comments made to me by men.
Having sexual comments made to me by my father’s friends.
Being yelled at by groups of young men in cars about my appearance.

Having my breasts commented on loudly in public. Being threatened with having my face glassed when I stood up for myself. Every woman I know who has visited a night-club has had a derogatory comment made to her about her appearance.
Being shouted at on the street during my lunch break, as a young teacher, as to whether I gave blow-jobs to 14 year old boys.
Having ‘slut’ and ‘slag’ shouted at me when walking home from a night out.
Having monthly migraines due to periods, which cause vomiting and extreme pain.
Having to put up with men watching Sky Sport on the ward tv at high volume who were waiting for their partners to have ELCS. I’d had an EMCS and suffered from PTSD due to the birth.
Having the same number of toilets as men in my workplace, despite the fact that there are more than twice as many of us. Every break there is a queue.
And for my DD, not being diagnosed with ASD during the teen years because the diagnostic criteria have been male-focused until very recently.

@EssenceOfDittany

Having a random man grab your hair at a local pub.

Finding out that you have been discussed by a couple of the male regulars,in intimate sexual way,about what colour your genitals could look like at a pub you go to often.
Purely cause you come from a different cultural ethnicity from norm, where you live.!

Having your Arsehole/shit ex Partner/ex friend cause I had such heavy periods blood clots,bleeding so much having a lend of my ex Partner Long Johns underwear !
and then finding out he had told his female Narc friend Emma.!

And then when we are all sitting down in the pub we often went to,his female friend Emma smiling ,laughing at me asked me why did I feel a need to wear her friends Long Johns underwear.!

It was so humiliating in public like that !

Had an athletics coach comment to me that I ran like a man even though I had child bearing hips. I was younger than 14. My Dad was furious when I mentioned it to him.

Had best friend of my Dad offer to be my first (sex).

Been leered at by a pop star when I was in my school uniform (6th year)

Had to carry used sanitary protection when on military exercise because not allowed to bury it. Ok to pee and bury your shit though.

Had to wear combats designed for men's bodies. The thermals have y fronts! (Or used to)

Had to put up with a teacher saying "boys will be boys" when I reported that I was groped by a fellow pupil. He squeezed my breast very hard. It was painful.

I remember after a thread along similar lines a couple of years ago, talking to DH about walking home with keys in hand. He has no clue that that is what I do every single time.

There are so many things like that where women are constantly on high alert and men have no idea.

Someone once told an anecdote on here about a psychology lecturer who opened a lecture by asking the men in the audience to talk about what steps they regularly took to avoid the risk of rape. Silence. A few nervous laughs. A lame joke about "don't get sent to prison?"

Then he asked the women.

Keys between fingers, don't walk alone after dark, pretend to be on the phone (ready to dial 999), take the number of the taxi, make sure your friends know when you've left and know to expect a phone call when you arrive, mixed group - last person to leave the shared taxi is a bloke, even if it's not the most efficient journey, etc. etc. etc.

@EssenceOfDittany

I tell you what really pisses me off ,as a woman when you happen to be stuffing your gob with food sitting outside a cafe somewhere
and a random older woman passer by asks puzzled why are you eating on your own ?
(Like you are some kind of freak nature sitting down enjoy without a chaperone or a husband or Partner or friend !

Isn't it irritating, !

(I know its Only a very trivial thing.
(but when this happened to not so long ago, it seemed like surreal experience like i had stumbled into a time warp machine into Victorian era !
or like i was living amagine what life like in the middle east for women now still.

(it just would not happen to a man would it.!

Having my bum smacked by a passenger in a passing car while out riding my bike. I was about 13.
Random blokes coming up behind and grinding themselves against you when out dancing with friends.
Being made to feel like a fraud for needing to be admitted repeatedly due to hyperemesis and the implication from some of the staff that you’re faking it/it’s all in your head (despite being a doctor).
Having to research evidence and up to date treatments for hyperemesis while connected up to an IV because the midwives and obstetric staff don’t know what to do.
Waking in a cold sweat of fear because I’ve dreamed I’m pregnant and knowing that means serious illness and hospitalisation. Ditto for the panicked thoughts whenever I get nauseous.
Seeing the tiny blob of tissue that was the baby you desperately wanted but couldn’t keep because it was killing you. And not being able to tell closest friends that you had a termination because you had to but feel you’re betraying women who’ve had miscarriages if you say you ‘lost’ the baby so instead you say something vague and change the subject.

At 18, a male customer at my part time job talking loudly about my periods.

Speculation at work about the colour of my pubic hair.

Being grabbed round the neck by someone pissed off with my boyfriend.

Put on weight intentionally to reduce comments on my body and make myself less vulnerable to male violence.

Been denied medical care and pain relief until I consented to a woman I had just met putting her hand into my vagina.

Being told that being held down and subject to the most painful experience of my life without suitable pain relief was no reason to cry or have any feeling other than joy and relief that the experience didn’t kill me or my baby.

Taking a junior male with me to meetings with a senior male to act as a physical boundary between us and a witness. Being told refusing to join said older male in a group at company drinks was unkind and unprofessional.

Becoming anxious because you have to walk past some builders on your way to work again today and for the last few days they've jeered and shouted obscenities.

Teenage girls STILL not always being allowed to go to the loo at school during a period (this does still happen).

Being on your guard when on a night out so you don't get spiked.

Being super careful how you knock back some Leary creep in case he turns nasty.

Getting used to the concept that your eyes are on your tits because there a cracking set darling and some men can't help but gawp at them when talking to you.

Knowing it's probably best to let DH take the car to the garage as they'll likely either eye you up or overcharge you and talk to you like you just fell out of the tree.

Will have a ponder

Perfecting my RBF, as well as wearing sunglasses and earphones as much as possible so I can pretend I did not see/hear men trying to get my attention when I am walking about.
Spin bikes being made for men-my legs and arms are too small for them.

Borrowing your brother's too big for you clothes as a teenager as an attempt to avoid street harassment from adult males.

Been picked up by the throat, feet off the ground and head slammed against a wall for saying the word "no".

Having to turn down the first job interview offer you received in months because you are obviously heavily pregnant.

Being sacked for having to take time off or go home early once a month.

Paying the garage extra to remove and refix further forward the seat in your new car so you can reach the pedals properly.

Learning how to do a glasgow kiss with finesse as bar staff where you are groped regularly by random men. Needing an emergency sign language with door staff in same job.

Losing potential female friends/neighbours etc because their creep of a husband has decided you are theirs for the taking.

Having your child's unironed clothes remarked on with questioning eyebrow by random strangers.

Having to move house in a hurry because the landlord has decided to give you the opportunity to "fuck the rent off".

Getting tennis elbow from trying to use the smallest (stupidly large) mobile phone you could find that was work capable.

Being constantly found lacking by society for leaning in and parenting the children solo instead of fucking off without a backward glance.

Wearing a wedding ring and leaving men's shoes lying about the house whenever a tradesman is required.

Having to have your pelvic bones re-aligned after months of pain and nerve damage as a result of injury from giving birth.

Giving birth, medical staff (with one noticeable exception) following "d"H's wishes and not mine.

Wow, thank you all so much for your input! It's almost unbelievable how much crap we have to deal with for being female, at every stage of life, and this really makes that clear. It has been a depressing read, but also cathartic. It's pretty powerful to see all these experiences written down in one place, and I feel way more empowered now to unapologetically speak my mind if I hear anyone question the relevance of sex again. It's just so blindingly obvious, and in particular there are so many examples here of things that males literally can't experience, that it makes a complete mockery of the "gender identity trumps sex" argument.

Having your FIL consistently ask when you are taking their son’s last name - erm never.
Being judged for going back to work full time and actively pursuing a career after maternity leave.
Your (now ex) DH saying that he was looking for a job for you and yes it’s your turn to concentrate on your career but he’s found this job he must go for and you can sit tight for a bit can’t you.
Getting in touch with a builder for a quote and them caking your partner to discuss the quote not you.
School assuming you have time to home school your children and will sit there doing the lessons with them.
Being given a menu with no prices (nice hotel restaurant in Italy)
Not being offered to try the wine you ordered when the man you are with is offered to try it (shout out to the Ritz restaurant London here for insisting we both tried as we have different tastes and they wanted us both to love it)

When I was younger, thinking that male students were just being friendly, when they were trying to fuck me. They always tried after a few weeks.
Now I'm divorced, every friend's husband, without fail, has propositioned me. So now have very few married friends, the ones I have - I have avoided meeting their partners.
Always wearing shoes I can run in. Just in case.
I have an hour glass shape, everything looks dressed up on me. The summer is a massive problem, I can't hide under big coats. So tits and ass >>>must be easy.

Being groped on a night out....not understanding that this was not a compliment until I was in my late twenties because to complain about it was not the done thing.

Heart rate going up when I walk my dog in the country alone and see another lone Walker.

Had contraceptive implant Implanon which is inserted under the skin in upper arm. I wanted it removed after months of bleeding. Was told no, keep it in longer. I repeated I wanted it out. Dr repeated the no. Had to say I would cut it out myself if they didn't do it. They did it. Do not believe a man would be told No twice to getting something removed from his own body, especially a foreign medical object that was negatively impacting his sex life.

Being sexually assaulted by a doctor testing me in hospital.

Having my body and attractiveness rated out of 10 and ranked against colleagues' rankings by my then boss and about 20 of his business mates, while I served them tea in their meeting. Was 18 and couldn't do anything other than carry on in shock.

Be worried I'd be raped or assaulted when I had to enter guest rooms in a very large 5* hotel I worked in. I met was during turn down service and the protocol was to knock and if the guests were in to ask if they wanted turndown service. If they said yes, we were to go in (alone), and turn down the bedding..which involved bending over the bed. The doors were weighted so would close behind us.

LOADS of physical sexual assaults. My breasts were basically men's property until I had a breast reduction.

@NymphInYellow

When I was 17, a man in his 30s started talking to me on the bus. He moved seats to sit by me (so I was trapped) and was trying to chat me up. I was trying to be polite so I didn't piss him off, but telling him no I'm not interested. I got to my stop and he followed me off the bus. It was broad daylight in the middle of town, but I was petrified he would do something to me. Got to the pub, met my friends, I was shaking and terrified. My male friend said, 'Well you are a very smiley person, you probably led him on.'

This is why it's so appalling that they want to remove guards from trains in order to save money. I lose count of the number of times that I and my colleagues have intervened to stop a man with suspect intentions, often aimed at an underage girl. Late night trains would be a no-go for many women travelling alone if they got rid of guards.

As a teacher in a mostly male department- being given every nurture group as 'they need a mum'.
Not then being given top sets as you're 'so good with the less able ones'.
Never then having pay progression or meeting targets because you don't have top sets.