Have you ever ... ? (Things women have to deal with, that men don't)

[EssenceOfDittany]

I had a conversation with a naive "be kind" sort of person (male) the other day at work, who casually came out with something about sex being basically irrelevant next to gender identity. I reminded him that the sole reason for women's oppression throughout history is biology, i.e. sex. Thankfully he revised his position pretty quickly and looked like he felt a bit silly for having said it in the first place. (I think he is also blissfully unaware of how controversial such a "belief" is these days, and was only parroting the thing about gender because he'd heard lots of other people say it.)

This got me thinking, I'd like to compile a list of some of the crappy things girls/women have to deal with in their everyday lives that men never/rarely do, so that when someone more set in their opinions says "sex is irrelevant", I can say "really? So, have you ever ... ?"

A few to start us off:

… spent the entire day with a jumper tied around your waste to hide the blood stain on your trousers when your period caught you off-guard?

… left a social gathering earlier than you wanted because you realised you didn’t have enough sanpro to get you through the evening?

… made an excuse to not go swimming when you’d like to, because you realise you haven’t done the requisite bikini/leg/armpit maintenance?

… spent hours painfully removing your pubic hair when you didn’t want to, because an intimate male partner told you it was disgusting and you didn't have the confidence to tell him to sod off?

… endlessly plucked/waxed/obsessed over your upper lip hair because it would be a disaster if someone realised that was your natural state?

… taken the route three times as long, just to avoid going down a short alley alone in the dark?

… clutched your keys between your fingers with the “blade” sticking outwards to make you feel like you might stand a chance if attacked by a man, since you know you’ll have no chance based on strength alone?

… asked a family member to track your location when you’re out alone, and told them exactly where they should expect you to be every step of the journey, so they can raise the alarm if something happens to you?

… felt relieved when your company moved to WFH, because you could finally stop putting on a brave face at your desk while in agony on your period?

… worried about judgement from your colleagues when you say you're “feeling ill” a day or two every month?

... had a constant sick feeling in your stomach when out alone in your local area after dark, because you're afraid of being assaulted/mugged?

Please help me flesh out the list further! I’ve only scratched the surface, and I know there are so many more examples, relating to motherhood, career progression, DV, women’s health, general safety, all sorts. I want to rattle off this list next time someone dares suggest that “sex is irrelevant”.

@Busydoingnowt

Take all the strain of infertility treatment - injections, internal examinations etc etc - even if it’s the man who is infertile.

This! Including in my case one procedure under anaesthetic.

Giving your name as Mrs X when booking workmen/deliveries/stranger visitors to your home even though you’re not married.

Mentioning your non-existent ‘other half’ or ‘husband’ a number of times whilst alone in the house with said males, in the hope it might avert any unwanted behaviour or future stalking incidents.

Parking near to lift/stairs in underground car park
Analyzing situation on returning to car, anyone around? Risk factor
Looking behind when going down the stairs, waiting until other groups go into stairwell, checking before getting into the car
Unable to go to cinema alone, or need to carefully choose where to sit
Fear parking in local town carpark after dark (lots of youths/gangs around)
Tradesman replying to my question by replying directly to my husband
Bank & house documents sent to him, on my house purchase
Bank changing my name on cheque book to Hs surname & told me its the law. It's not, I havent changed my name, they had to print new one.
Car salesman deciding documents would be in H's name, No, my car, my money, my name.
Men deciding re all this recent woke gender issue.. women having their rights gradually removed, removal of rights to abortion in places...
This thread makes me cry

Reading some of these posts make me realise how normal it is in Germany to be called Mrs XYZ, whether married or not. Only old people still use "Miss" on a day to day basis.
Don't get me wrong, there are other things that are backward and sexist, but not disclosing my marital status everywhere just by stating Ms/Miss/Mrs would be nice.

I’m a member of a few local Facebook groups. I’m single and live alone I’ve taken to editing post to say We think this and out of our window. So it looks like I’m in a couple.

Being expected to join in (and be grateful for) 'women's' networking events at work. All of which seemed to involve talking about clothes/beauty treatments and most involved getting undressed (or at appearing in to swimwear) with colleagues and customers.

Doing a job that involved spending lots of time on my feet, with a uniform that included heeled shoes.

As a teenager the embarrassment of starting periods aged 11, having to have a note to get out of swimming or outside games when my period pains were too bad to run around .

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Knowing that all of your friends and female family members have also felt sexually threatened by a man at some point - and that your daughter will too.

It's grim.

Yes, I now constantly worry about my 11 year old, she's getting older and more independent. I find myself giving her instructions like not to to talk to anyone, not to respond when talked to, not to make eye contact, even in daylight. A 14 year old girl was raped in a nearby park while jogging.

Telling your daughter to ‘always walk with the traffic coming towards you-and take the route home that has the most lighting’ and then realise you’ve been doing the same all your life

You are meant to walk on the right side of the road (i.e. into oncoming traffic) if there's no pavement, as it says in the Highway Code, and taking the route with most lighting is also most sensible for everyone after dark.

Having thirty stitches in my genitals post surgery and being told it shouldn’t be sore, and I was being a bit silly to cry .

Being told I should bite down and force myself to have intercourse because it’s not fair for my partner (I’m a lesbian?!)

Being told that it’s better to try to have surgery without anaesthetic, I can cope for five minutes

Having a graphic description from a male surgeon about he was going to ‘open my legs up wide’ once I was under anaesthesia .

Being told it’s totally normal to be in agony with periods, shaking and vomiting, and that most women just crack on with it

Bei told that it’s normal for boys to try to touch you between the legs on the walk to PE and that I needed to laugh it off more

Being told that girls are just bitches, and it’s normal to struggle to make and maintain friendships (actually autistic)

Being told I can’t be autistic because I’m a girl

Not feel confident/ safe to go on quiet countryside walks by myself .

You are meant to walk on the right side of the road (i.e. into oncoming traffic) if there's no pavement, as it says in the Highway Code, and taking the route with most lighting is also most sensible for everyone after dark.

I was told off by a man who told me I was walking on the wrong side of a footpath when I kept walking on the side I was already on, and failed to get out of his way when he moved over to that side.

Not me directly but in my school year of 200 pupils I can think of six girls whose education was disrupted/cut short by pregnancy. Two of them had their babies aged 14 and a couple turned out to be pregnant at the time of our exams (aged 16). The fathers in most cases were several years older than the girls (we didn’t know who all the fathers were, some girls kept it all v quiet.

That isn’t counting the abortions that we were aware of at least a couple of girls having.

All of these girls were 16 and under.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Yes the title thing so annoying!!! Im always a Ms, also I'm currently pregnant and they asked my marital status, erm I think you mean who's the Dad (as in do you have support) not am I married it's so old fashioned!!!

there are so many experiences I wanted to requote - its so depressingly familiar that we go through this and calling it out means that some how we are difficult! one of the more recent ones to add to this was being advised by an external consultant employed to help me make the transition from a director to a board director role, advise me that although I was friendly and very clever and obviously able - I needed to be more warm with my male colleagues and less professional in my approach - suggestions were made about using my sexuality and looks - i.e. wear more makeup and more revealing clothing - I was so ashamed of this as I felt I had done something wrong

Being blamed for someone sexualy harassing you

Taking you own car (that you brought with your own money) to the garage and your male oartner happens to be with you. You telling the (inevitably male) mechanic what the problem is (because you know what it is, as the vehicle has had exactly the same problem before) but being blanked by the mechanic, who then speaks to your partner and says it sounds like exactly the same problem as you have just told him 🙄

and then to top it off - I was then made redundant as I hadn't changed enough!

Had your job role changes while you were on maternity leave - nobody thought to tell you

Missing out on promotions which were internally ring fences to your grade - but nobody let you know because you were on maternity leave

Has to change your diet / drinking habits for 18 months because you are pregnant/ breastfeeding

Having workmen default report to your DH and only question you about "pretty stuff" or kitchen details.

Have every single man on site know loud jackhammering was going to happen at a specific time, yet not one man thought to tell the one female who was WFH due to Covid (and had been for weeks).

ForgothowmuchIhatehomeschoolin Whilst it was a long time ago I remember pregnancy whilst working was a nightmare in so many ways. I was very ill and my manager kept referring to his wife’s pregnancies (that were apparently straightforward) in faux bewilderment that mine wasn’t with clear implication that although I had never previous had time off sick I was somehow faking being ill. Mostly my male colleagues ignored my pregnancy and how ill I was.

Fortunately I didn’t ever suffer from vomiting but still I know how debilitating it is and how dangerous it can be and am just beyond disgusted that they would try and make you vomit on purpose. That is so much worse than ignorance or being annoyed about the inconvenience of having to plan around maternity leave

sorry if already mentioned

• when we have a church group meeting at our house, the single women (who don;t drive) always need to ask someone for a lift home, or I turn out and drive them home, as it isn't safe to walk, and it is past the last bus. I don't mind, but it the the fact that they have to constantly get a favour from someone to get safely home. Taxis every week are not realistic for most.

• on a similar note, can't arrange to meet with women in the evening unless someone is able to drive, as they can't walk and buses don't run late and even if they do, standing waiting for bus and then walking home at the other end isn't safe.

• so many things don't fit us (and I am 5'8" so on the tall side) including bike seats, car seat belts, phones.

Finding a spot in a bar where you can stand with your back against the wall to prevent the endless arse grabbing/pinching/slapping. Dealing with bruises on arse due to aforementioned pinching.

Not leaving the house for days because the builders next door think it’s hilarious to shout obscenities at you

Cross the road rather than walk past a man, or worse, a group of men because you just know they’ll grope your arse.

Jump out of your skin because someone beeps their horn behind you loudly and yells show us your tits.

And now I’m older and that lot has thankfully stopped, a new list:

Worn incontinence pants, not because you are incontinent, but because you’re worried your period will suddenly start and there’ll be blood every where.

Been on holiday on a Thai beach and realising to your horror that the so called toilet facilities have no where to dispose of used sanitary products, or even to wash your hands. Which incidentally look like like you’ve just murdered someone.

Been told you make a decent cup of tea but don’t look like you’ll be much use at anything else.

Asked, at work!!! If there’s a man they can demonstrate how something works to.

Overhear someone at work referring to you as “that girl” as a 54 year old head of department.

And don’t get me started on “smile love, it might never happen” I think I’ll combust.

Being expected to paint your face and wear shoes you can't walk in (no more thankfully)

Always wanted to do nursing but then found out all nurse students had to wear white dress and as a shy 17y old meant I didn’t even bother applying as constant flooding and heavy periods.