Friends dd has just come out as agender

[Teenageromance]

She is supporting her choices as that is what we do - but how do I support her without compromising that I know it is a lot of nonsense. The dd wants to change her name and use alternative pronouns.

I get called "they" all the time in documentation at work as people don't know whether I am male or female by my name. So I guess I am ok with "they" too!

If it comes up in conversation with the lass, tell her you're not the tiniest bit interested in pronouns or gender.

Unless you are.

I wonder if you’d have the same reaction 20 years ago but she came out as a lesbian.

Ultimately you want her to be happy. Don’t lose your friend over a decision that is not yours to make or dictate.

What are the pronouns for agender? Do you have many opportunities to use them anyway.

I'd call her by what ever she wants to be called. What skin is it off your nose and it would support your friend. 🙄

I don’t know anyone with a gender. I know people who are categorised by sex, the rest is personality. Aren’t we all agender except those who use it as tool of oppression?

Try researching and educating yourself,

TRA are never very happy when people actually do this. Funnily enough mumsnet is full of people who have educated themselves: read the original research not misquoted 'reviews' and opinion pieces; who look to the actual law rather than Stonewall's deliberate misinterpretation; who study the data not just the conclusions; who read the whole judgement or essay or book and don't simply reply on hearsay.

I'll 'validate' you too! It is so sad young girls feel they can't be female and smash gender stereotypes.

Yup, it's nonsense. Damaging nonsense at that.

I agree with you, but the 'It's changing the rules of English grammar argument' is a pretty weak reason tbh. 'They' has been used for donkey's years in situations where gender is unspecified.

@newyearnewname123

What pronouns does an agender girl use?

I, me, mine, myself

Agender is defined as denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a particular gender

Doesn't that describe most gender critical feminists?

Is it them/they pronouns? I don't think it would be too difficult to just refer to them by their name.

@MissBarbary

Agender is defined as denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a particular gender

Doesn't that describe most gender critical feminists?

That’s what I thought too.

Tbh OP I’d run with this and be offering the girl a virtual high five, telling her I didn’t have a gender either and how it’s great so many girls refuse to subscribe to the male agenda of gender ideologies.

What do you mean by 'supporting' your friend, op? Is your friend having a lot of problems and asking for support?

I'd be interested in trying to get the daughter to explain what she means by gender to start with, and then to explain the subtle differences between 'non-binary', 'asexual'. 'agender', and 'I'm a more tortured and interesting teenager than everyone else so I need a new classification for myself'.

You don’t have to agree with something to be supportive.

Unless doing something causes someone harm then grit your teeth and be supportive to your friend and their children.

There will be things that your DC do that friend doesn’t agree with but you’d hope she’d be supportive still.

I would just say "they" and use the new name they decided on. A name is just a name.

My friends DC do all sorts of nonsense. One has spent the last 10 years trying to become a famous musician although she has little talent another dresses in very weird lolita clothes. I smile and nod, pass wine to my friends (when allowed) and listen. I don't actually say it's nonsense, even though that's my opinion. Although I do express my opinions to my own DD.

@newyearnewname123

What pronouns does an agender girl use?

I hate myself for asking but wondering this too.

@Conniethesensible

I wonder if you’d have the same reaction 20 years ago but she came out as a lesbian.

Ultimately you want her to be happy. Don’t lose your friend over a decision that is not yours to make or dictate.

This isn't comparable. Lesbians don't insist other people to tie themselves in knots trying to remember to call them "xie" and "xer" and fuck knows what else.

What if this silly girl announced she identified as a fairy or a wolf? There are daft teenagers all over the internet doing just this. It's cringeworthy. I wouldn't engage with it. A PP said to just say that's nice but I'm not interested in identity politics. I agree with that approach.

@Teenageromance

But would you use the pronouns etc even though you disagree totally with it? I want to support my friend not the daughter. Would happily tell the daughter it’s a lot of nonsense but know we have to tread lightly with teenagers

Yes, I would.

Will there be any time that you will need to use pronouns? It may be possible to just avoid the need to use them. Just support your friend, one way or another she's going to need it.

If you wanted to be supportive, you wouldn't be online calling it a load of nonsense. You're here for strangers to agree it's nonsense, and to validate you

This
I'd take it as something I didn't know much about, and read up more about it.

Yes, it’s nonsense. Stick to she/her. Don’t get caught up in other people’s nonsense.

Tell her you're agender too - which if you're a GC feminist you probably are. She will probably be horrified by the realisation that middle-aged people can be agender. If you're lucky she will realise that gender stereotypes are a nonsense that harms everyone.

Just use her name instead of the pronoun if it is something you disagree with. I think that is respectful without buying into it. Others can use whatever pronouns they want.