How do I deal with traditional inlaws?

[AliceWonderland88]

A bit of background: My Husband-to-be is from another country and we have had many discussions about expectations before becoming engaged. I was so delighted until I found out his family's expectations of me as his wife to basically become his servant and cook, clean, take care of the children AND his parents while somehow keep running my business. I am English and this isn't my fiance or I's expectation of my role in our marriage. However, his family bring it up nearly every time I see them now and it's beginning to get in the way of our relationship. I have made it clear to them but obviously don't want to offend them. My fiance doesn't say anything and would rather bury his head in the sand and claims he didn't know anything about this expectation from his family. How can I approach this in a firm but cordial way? Thanks in advance

You need to be very, very blunt with him - as it is he who will have to manage his family's expectations.

As blunt as "We sort this now or we don't get married!" - and mean every word of it!

It sounds as though he agrees with them, OP. Run while you can.

Your problem is with your fiance, I'd take this as a warning of things to come if you marry. He will happily let you do it all because as far as he's concerned there is an 'I' in 'team'. Have a look in the Relationship board, there is years and years worth of threads of women much further down the line than you - knackered, fed up and taken advantage of.

My fiance doesn't say anything and would rather bury his head in the sand and claims he didn't know anything about this expectation from his family

Sorry but I don't buy this for one second. He was brought up by these people in a society that treats women this way. I suspect once married these expectations would become more apparent.

Are the parents expecting to come live with you too? Does he send them money?

Is he expecting you to live in his country?

We already have lived together for 2 years but he certainly doesn't treat me like this, he cooks and cleans and takes care of me (and I do the same for him). I spoke with him many times and asked if things will change once we're married and he assures me it won't. He doesn't send them money and doesn't have any expectation that his family will live with us but we visit them regularly. I don't want to cut them out of my life but I don't enjoy seeing them any more :(

I also don't buy that he didn't know.

I think you will live to regret continuing this.

He is showing he will expect you to comply.

You will be posting on here in a few years about how your in laws treat you like shit and your husband does nothing about it
If he hasn’t got your back now he never will. Don’t marry him

I agree he knows, funnily enough I bet if it was him that had all these expectations awaiting him he wouldn't be sticking his head in the sand. Wonder why.

I spoke with him many times and asked if things will change once we're married and he assures me it won't.

Sorry, but I've already seen multiple women this week describing men who played the long game of pretending to be about equal partnership until the woman was trapped by marriage or a baby - and then as soon as he was confident she couldn't leave he stopped pulling his weight, treated her like his personal servant and obstructed her attempts to continue working or living her own life.

They don't tell you in advance because you'd leave.

So you have to pay attention to actions.

Well that is his family background and culture, but you also have your own family background and culture. You should not change yourself in any way. He wants to marry you because he fell in love with you. Do not start diluting yourself and your self worth, you will lose your self worth and he WILL lose respect and start thinking he can have everything his own way. Give an inch.............

Offend away. They don't care about offending you. Personally I'd run a mile.

So, you go and see them on a visit and they say 'well, you should be waiting on Jon hand and foot and why should he run his own bath and don't expect him to ever look after his own child' and you say 'that's not the way it is stop saying that' and your fiancé says nothing at all?

Oh I see things changing very much for you after marriage and children. Tread carefully OP

My PIL (though UK heritage) were very traditional, the other DILs got married early 20's, babies soon after, SAHM etc. They tried to tell me that I should do this too, but the difference is that DH would tell them just as clearly as me that our life was going to be very different, and has continued to do so for the 23 years we've been married.

What would wave big red flags to me is that your fiance isn't telling them clearly that you and he have not agreed the relationship model they are thinking of

It is a huge issue that your DP is not standing up for you and correcting his parents. t speaks volumes, as others have said, there is every chance it is because he does agree with them.

He has known this expectation all along.
I don't think you can trust him tbh.
Unless he's willing to be very very clear with his parents right now, I think I would bet money on him not sticking to this at all. You will be gradually pressurised over time.
Trouble ahead.

If the in laws live in a different country and you only visit you occasionally, what does it really matter what they think if your reality and day to day lives don't reflect their expectations?

If you're both happy, I would either ignore, nod politely or gently tell them you've chosen to do things differently if they mention it, and carry on the way you are. For a few weeks a year (or whatever) I really wouldn't worry too much about it.

Yeah, just watch his parents be moved in after marriage and you forced to stop working, and him never lift a finger again.

Are his family Indian?

I wouldn't marry him. At best he's weak. Think about them undermining you to your children, him wanting to take them to his home country frequently and what they will say and do. If you split up, they will pressure him to take the kids abroad. People who don't respect you won't willingly return your children if they think you are raising them wrong and he doesn't have enough about him to defend you now, he's not going to improve down the line! I can see you ending up trapped.

They all moved over here and all live in the same town as us in England. They are not Indian.

Even worse that they live nearby.
They will suffocate you.

Did they move there before you met or after you got together?