How do I deal with traditional inlaws?

[AliceWonderland88]

A bit of background: My Husband-to-be is from another country and we have had many discussions about expectations before becoming engaged. I was so delighted until I found out his family's expectations of me as his wife to basically become his servant and cook, clean, take care of the children AND his parents while somehow keep running my business. I am English and this isn't my fiance or I's expectation of my role in our marriage. However, his family bring it up nearly every time I see them now and it's beginning to get in the way of our relationship. I have made it clear to them but obviously don't want to offend them. My fiance doesn't say anything and would rather bury his head in the sand and claims he didn't know anything about this expectation from his family. How can I approach this in a firm but cordial way? Thanks in advance

Maybe you could test the waters by telling him that you are unwilling to see them anymore. See how he reacts to bring forced to address this.
They might toe the line if they see that access to any future grandchildren depends upon them not alienating you

Yeah, it's time for him to say something, just to put down a marker to his parents that really you have a different type of partnership. If he won't do this for you now, then he sure as hell won't do it after marriage. It doesn't have to be confrontational or out of the blue, just that when they say things to you, he says "thanks mum/dad, but that's not really our thing. I'm really proud of x's work/business and I'd like her to be able to continue it". Job done. If he won't graciously and kindly (but firmly!) stick up for you, then I wouldn't marry him.

1. Has he told them clearly that you will not be doing what they want?
2. Have they told you that they intend to move in with you? Have they been told a clear no?

There are some major red flags here, as others have rightly spotted he is not standing up to them. Whatever you do, do not give up your financial independence or your job - you will be trapped. He needs to understand that if they move in or try to impose this bullshit on you, you will be gone.

No no no. Their expectations are fine -that's them. But if your DH isn't getting involved this is a massive red flag. Even if you take him at face value that he hadn't noticed all this rubbish, you've now pointed it out. The fact that he isn't still leaping in to tell them they're wrong is a very very worrying thing. I'm not saying cancel the wedding, but I AM saying that you need to be thinking very carefully about this and having some very serious conversations with your DH.

And I speak as someone who, thankfully, had a DH who DID step in with his parents. His mother, who actually I get on quite well with, but she had been very very involved in her other DIL's life and acted practically as full time carer to her older grandchildren. While she was older and therefore less physically able to do the same with us, it only took about 10 seconds after DS was born for me to realise she was expecting to be have, at the minimum, 1/3 of childcare decision making. It took 11 seconds after DS' birth for DH to make it very very clear that in fact it was 90% me, 10% him and she didn't get a say at all.

Leave now, please don't get married. Imagine how they will impact your future kids?!

The fact that they live in the same town means that you will be their unpaid carer, unless your husband puts his foot down and genuinely takes on an equal role in terms of home life. Once you have children, he can make it hard for you to work (I am the breadwinner, you need to do all the childcare - you see it on here all the time), then as soon as you scale down your work, you will magically have your time volunteered to do unpaid errands for them and they will be allowed to control you. Sad, but true!

@AliceWonderland88

They all moved over here and all live in the same town as us in England. They are not Indian.

Run, very very fast

We only get subtle, but traditional sexism from DHs family. Women serving food and clearing plates. Not getting to enjoy their meals because they have to get up and get something for the kids. Wives laying out clothes for husbands to wear (that one really makes me cringe)
That kind of behavior doesn’t happen in our marriage and we don’t want our daughter to think it is acceptable. We don’t spend every second of our visit berating the ILs, but we do talk to Dd before each visit about how their division of labor is old-fashioned and not something we agree with and if they comment on DH doing the dishes instead of me or we see Something especially outrageous we say something.

Basically, if he won’t be your partner in this, you need to run far and run fast. I’m only dealing with local, but more traditional attitudes and that is bad enough.

I would also urge caution OP. I've been in a similar situation. Whilst I was "just" a girlfriend it was ok, but as soon as we got engaged the expectations started to change. Marriage, and especially children, made me a permanent part of the family and it became very apparent that I was expected to conform to conform to my ILs way of thinking. I was prepared to compromise, as I think when two people of very different backgrounds have a family it is the best way forward, but it soon became clear that their idea of compromise involved me changing my lifestyle, religion etc and them not really changing anything. All my husband's siblings had spouses who at least pretended to go along with it, but I wasn't prepared to do so. Fortunately, my DH did stand up for me and has always said that one of the things that most attracted him to me was that I am nothing like his mother. But it has not been easy. We've been together over 30 years now and I think my ILs and I understand each other quite a bit better now. But it is an uneasy peace and hostilities could break out at any time. Mainly things are civil but from time to time the facade slips and I see what they really think. I remember saying "I'm marrying X, not his family" when people warned me, but that's not really true unfortunately. We are very happy in general but any tension in our marriage has always been a result of differences between me and his family. If he hadn't been willing to stand up to them I would have left, no matter how much I loved him. Be careful.

Something similar happened to my friend OP. They were by all accounts equal partners before they had children, then as soon as their first was born he suddenly came up with a bunch of reasons why he a) had to move his mother in (all the way over from Nigeria) and b) had to take a second job which would keep him out of the house all day every day. The MIL interferes with her parenting to a ridiculous degree, and expects 3 cooked meals a day. When she complains her husband pouts and sulks that she doesn't like his mum. She lives like a servant in her own house and isn't even treated with respect and authority in her role as a mother. Her job is just to make food for everyone and clean. I really hope this is the year she leaves. If I were you I'd get out now.

I don't think you should handle it at all. I think your DH should. If he's not willing to then you need to consider whether you really want to marry him.

Before you marry him:

If you intend to have children with him, you need to know what different cultural expectations may affect their lives, dress, education, medical factors,, religion etc. Especially if they are girls.

How your DF behaves in UK may be very different from his behaviour and social standing /expectations in his parents country.
Will he be expected to support them financially when they get old? To provide a home to a widowed mother in your household?

Don't accept any denials  that he doesn't know what the customs are in his home background.  You can look this up for yourself online  and seek the advice and experience  of  other women in your situation. Maybe you also need to have a very frank talk with his parents.

Can you give an example of something they actually say? You say they bring it up almost every time they see you - how do they phrase it?
I assume your dp would rather he stood up to them than have you refuse to meet them, or not be his fiancé?

Ask him what his plans are if his parents are too ill to look after themselves.

Regardless of the issue. Your future in laws are trying to bully you and your fiancé is pretending it's not happening (gaslighting) and refusing to support you.

This is a problem in your relationship

He needs to step up and be prepared for years of supporting you against their cultural expectations. If he won't do that then walk away

Be very wary, it's not just about a bit of cooking, they may have expectations of him supporting them financially too. He needs to nip it all in the bud and make it clear he lives a modern British life here not traditional gender roles

If he's not willing to say anything now when it's hypothetical he's extremely unlikely to speak up later when you are in the thick of it. Marriage isn't easy, for people from the same background and upbringing - it's even harder when you come at things from a totally different perspective.

Run away now. I can guarantee he will change overnight when you are just “the wife”. His family won’t change and he won’t challenge his family. If you ignore all the advice on here. you are setting yourself up for a life of misery.

OP. Just head over to the relationship boards. Spend some time. With a particular interest in the threads where the husband's family are traditional and the husband stands passively by while his family make their expectations clear.

There's no shortage of these threads.

I'm completely serious. You'll find the answer to your questions there.

Oh @AliceWonderland88 this isn’t going to work.
Your Dp agrees with his family......he doesn’t have the balls to tell you.
If he doesn’t.....then he doesn’t have the balls to tell his family and stand up for you.
Do you want to be with a ball-less man?

They say things like:
"Alice, your partner has a mess on his shirt, clean it up for him"
"you need to make him lunch, prepare his bath, make him soup etc etc..." basically everything that implies I need to treat him like a child.
"soon it will be your job to make the food, I can't wait for Alice to feed us"
"Alice, make the coffee while he relaxes"
"leave him alone, he's relaxing"
"hoover my flat while I am gone (I don't live there)"
"When we come over I want Alice to make us food"

This may all sound small but it's constant. My partner gets left to relax and I am expected to serve food and drinks and even clean their house when it's not even my home. I let him off sometimes because he's often not around when this happens as I visit them while he is at work.

I am not a horrible person and I don't mind doing kind things for my fiance but I don't appreciate being told it's my job. He doesn't act like this but he never does/says anything either which yes bothers me a great deal. He just says "it's their way you can't change them".

Run.

Yup. Run

Tbh, I don't understand why you would visit them without him. You're just reinforcing the idea that you will do stuff for them when your husband is not around.

Surely starting again with someone without all this baggage is better than spending a lifetime as a drudge?

Do not marry him.

He needs to show you he is your partner by protecting you from their incessant snide comments and bullying.

If he won't do that then you know where you sit in his priority list

Do you visit them because you are expected to or to please them? Because you really are just helping to create the park expectation that you will fall in line and will put your life on hold for them.

You sound lovely and kind and they will take advantage.