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Original poster

How do I deal with traditional inlaws?

106 replies

AliceWonderland88 · 22/01/2021 13:01

A bit of background: My Husband-to-be is from another country and we have had many discussions about expectations before becoming engaged. I was so delighted until I found out his family's expectations of me as his wife to basically become his servant and cook, clean, take care of the children AND his parents while somehow keep running my business. I am English and this isn't my fiance or I's expectation of my role in our marriage. However, his family bring it up nearly every time I see them now and it's beginning to get in the way of our relationship. I have made it clear to them but obviously don't want to offend them. My fiance doesn't say anything and would rather bury his head in the sand and claims he didn't know anything about this expectation from his family. How can I approach this in a firm but cordial way? Thanks in advance

OP posts:
whenwillsantagetvaccinated · 22/01/2021 17:35

You basically have a period of time to set expectations, starting from now really. Because once you have kids you will be more vulnerable. And once you have the guilt trip of your PIL being older, sicker etc, then you will be even more vulnerable. You really have to work out whether your DF will stand up to them and back you even when it inconveniences him. Otherwise, it will be about them trying to beat you down whilst they look on.

Apileofballyhoo · 22/01/2021 17:38

Regardless of the specific circumstances, you have a partner who refuses to stand up for you/take action on something that is upsetting you. Is that the kind of partner you want for life?

Lurkingforawhile · 22/01/2021 17:45

This sounds like such a sad situation. You love him, your life together is good, he does his fair share, but you know in your heart that it won't always be this way. I don't have any advice, just to send virtual hugs.

BrownFootStool · 22/01/2021 18:25

He needs to make it clear to them. This happened to my french friend when she married an indian man in india, There was big pressure from the family and the community, even people being snarky with his mother about her, asking what my friend cooks etc. Eventually his mother got the hint and said to them 'what makes you think MY daughter in law has to cook?'. But the mum wouldnt have got it if the husband hadn't stuck up for my friend.

Veterinari · 22/01/2021 18:40

@AliceWonderland88

Part of me thinks he is afraid of being honest with them because he's not a "traditional" man. He's soft, gentle, cooks and cleans and isn't at all domineering. I don't have them over our house very much because as you mentioned they already told me what they expect - they'd be very disappointed lol
It doesn't really matter what the reasons are.

What matters is that he's throwing you under the bus in order to avoid any conflict himself.

Reearry · 22/01/2021 18:41

Sadly this is not going to get better. I am married into a similar family and it was awful the first few years as I wanted to be a part of the family and was very accommodating. However that made things worse as they started being more demanding. Thankfully we left the country and only have to deal with it for the weeks we go back home. Nevertheless, I stepped back and put in firm boundaries. I no longer go and stay with them for long periods of time without my DP. And I am more comfortable voicing my opinions and saying the word "No." But the biggest and the most important factor is that my DP is not afraid and very comfortable asking them to back off. They wouldn't dare step out of line because they know my DP would not put up with it. Only move forward with this relationship if your partner has your back all the way. Unfortunately from what you've described that's not the case. I would strongly advise you to not move forward unless you DP steps up

LolaSmiles · 22/01/2021 18:46

If you are both happy in your relationship and happy with a more equal balance of responsibility then he needs to stand up to his parents now and make it clear that they keep out.

If he won't do this then there are several concerns:

  1. He secretly agrees and is hoping you'll fall in line after marriage, especially if children are involved
  2. He is weak with his parents so they will always be overly involved in your relationship
3.. You can't rely on him to parent future children in a way you agree because either he supports the traditional set up, or he'll fall in line with his parents
  1. You could find yourself being lumbered with family responsibilities and old age care years down the line.
ThePoetsWife · 22/01/2021 18:53

This may all sound small but it's constant. My partner gets left to relax and I am expected to serve food and drinks and even clean their house when it's not even my home. I let him off sometimes because he's often not around when this happens as I visit them while he is at work.

FFs why did he relax? Why didn't he stand up to them? Why didn't he take on the chores/help?

You have a DH?DP problem.

NotMeNoNo · 22/01/2021 19:06

You need a trial run of some interventions all done with wide eyed cheerfulness and you need to be a solid double act. And prepared.

So e.g. they ask you to make the coffee
You turn to him "shall we make some coffee?"
Him "you relax Alice I'll make them, yes really mum I will, I often do at home"

See success in getting through before you commit. Its as much or more your fiancees job to sort this.

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/01/2021 19:14

Do not marry him.

He'd not be sitting down relaxing he'd be helping you if he really was as great as you say.

He'd be standing up for you. Not enjoying the perks of other people treating you like the hired help

Do not marry him

Yogaposer · 22/01/2021 19:20

Haven't read the full thread but I will once the kids are in bed.
In my bitter experience, my husband (both of us British-Indian) said we would only live with his parents until we got a deposit for our own place... that was ten years ago. The deposit was saved up and yet...we are still fucking here. It's not been a bed of roses, they aren't bad people but I just want some bastard space.
Plus DH's interfering siblings get on my nerves.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't fall for any promises of how things will be different. My mental health is shot.

Yogaposer · 22/01/2021 19:21

People will wonder why I can't leave but thats a whole other thread.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 22/01/2021 19:35

My partner gets left to relax and I am expected to serve food and drinks and even clean their house when it's not even my home

Fucking hell OP, can't you see this is just the start. Once married they will own you.
If you are passive enough to accept this shit already you have no chance later.

What on earth don't you say no!!! Cleaning their house ffs. You know how it will be or you wouldn't have asked here.

If someone told me to serve food in someone else's house or hoover I'd laugh in their bloody face and leave.

Milkshake7489 · 22/01/2021 19:42

If you don't want to put up with this forever, and potentially have any future children witness you being treated as a servant, you explain to your husband that he needs to put them straight.

You telling them obviously doesn't work... they need to hear from their son that he won't put up with you being disrespected in that way.

If he won't speak up for you, I wouldn't marry him (but that's just me).

partyatthepalace · 22/01/2021 19:49

@DecemberSun

It sounds as though he agrees with them, OP. Run while you can.
This. I’d give him one chance to prove himself but wouldn’t hold my breath
yummyeclair · 22/01/2021 20:23

Hello OP, from experience I can tell you actions speak louder than words . If your DP does not tell his parents now , he never will . Believe me I eventually walked out after being expected to do everything for him and his family. Essentially a servant/slave for PIL. A DP who doesn't speak up now, never will. You will have no privacy or freedom . In some traditional families women are not treated as equal or respected. It is not always the culture but individuals in an extended family who behave in this manner to daughter in laws. Good luck .

chipolte · 22/01/2021 20:28

They have been testing the boundaries to see how much you will put with. You have shown them what you will put up with it (ie. much more than most women would).

By letting your fiancé relax while you get told to serve food etc. you are confirming to your fiancé that you are prepared to do all of life’s drudge work for him, and you will go with what his parents say even though you don’t like it.

Do you honestly expect this situation to improve when you have kids? When his parents are older and therefore expect more ?

Many women from traditional cultures born and brought up here no longer put up with this nonsense (I know as I am one of them) so men like this look for an English girl who is weak and voluntarily is willing to put up with it instead. You would be an utter fool to marry this man.

chipolte · 22/01/2021 20:39

Sorry OP, I wasn’t calling you weak, I meant that is how his parents see you.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 22/01/2021 20:47

If he really had your back he'd have told them a long time ago that what they expect of you will not be happening. I'm not sure how loudly we have to say this but please RUN

mrstasty · 22/01/2021 21:03

Bloody hell, what culture are they from? It sounds awful. Are they elderly?

Newbreadsmell · 22/01/2021 21:37

FUCK! How can he just stand there and expect you to act like some sort of servant? Wtf is going through his head?

Imagine this was reversed... he would tell you to sort it out pronto or he’d be off, yes??

Svalberg · 23/01/2021 00:37

@chipolte

Sorry OP, I wasn’t calling you weak, I meant that is how his parents see you.
She is though. OP, either grow a backbone or accept that you're a doormat. In my relationship, I do/did things for my DPs & my DH does things for his. There has never been any conflict between us about this. In my DPs house, DH is treated as a guest, in his DPs house, I'm treated as a guest. If anyone vacuums his DPs house, it's him, not me! He doesn't even expect me to make a cup of coffee when we're there.
BananaPop2020 · 23/01/2021 00:43

This has got disaster written all over it,

MrDarcysMa · 23/01/2021 00:50

Ermmm I wouldn't be marrying him until he's made crystal clear to his parents that you won't be his/ their servant. Why hasn't he said anything ?! Hmm

Gooseysgirl · 23/01/2021 01:09

Run for the hills.

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