How do I deal with traditional inlaws?

[AliceWonderland88]

A bit of background: My Husband-to-be is from another country and we have had many discussions about expectations before becoming engaged. I was so delighted until I found out his family's expectations of me as his wife to basically become his servant and cook, clean, take care of the children AND his parents while somehow keep running my business. I am English and this isn't my fiance or I's expectation of my role in our marriage. However, his family bring it up nearly every time I see them now and it's beginning to get in the way of our relationship. I have made it clear to them but obviously don't want to offend them. My fiance doesn't say anything and would rather bury his head in the sand and claims he didn't know anything about this expectation from his family. How can I approach this in a firm but cordial way? Thanks in advance

Please be very very careful, I would be more worried that he wasn’t a weak husband, but a strong wilful one , who knows exactly what he intends for your life to be like once you are married & especially when you have a child. Run as fast as you can .

Marrying him would be an act of insane stupidity.

Also, let’s call it what it is. Your part ex’s parents aren’t ‘traditional’, they’re misogynistic.

Personally I'd call it off unless he tells his family you're not slaving foe them, some men from other cultures like this can and do change once they've trapped you, sounds like you're on this pathway if he doesn't respect you enough to stand up fir you now

If he doesn’t want to as he secretly holds their views of can’t stand up to them now, what chance will there be in the future?

Right now you’re in the strongest position you will ever be in vis a vis his family. You’re not married and you don’t have a child. Pregnancy, childbirth and looking after children is very tiring at best. So if you’re not standing up to them now, you don’t have a hope in hell of standing up to them in the future.

Consequently that’s both of you not standing up to them. Something has to change. And don’t let it be your marital status unless or until this is sorted. At the same token be very careful not to waste years on this man if he won’t / can’t change.

Also be very aware, unless you’re going to go low or no contact, the in laws will become more annoying and hold more importance in your life the further your marriage progresses and the older they get.

All in all your fiancé seems fine with the status quo. If he weren’t, he’d be prepared to change it if he risks losing you so I’d be testing him now and deciding my future. If you don’t do anything, you are actually effectively making a choice to accept the situation as is.

I mentioned previously in this thread that I DO say NO to a lot of their requests. I do have a backbone and have told them that it is not my job to care for my fiance like a baby and that we are a team. They look at me like I'm an alien! I'm happy to make the occasional cup of coffee but I'm not hoovering their apartment and when they tell me to do stuff I look at my fiance and say "go on then" lol trust me I'm pretty blunt these days lol. It just doesn't stop and I feel like I am talking to a brick wall and no one sees a problem with it but me :(

@ThePoetsWife

This may all sound small but it's constant. My partner gets left to relax and I am expected to serve food and drinks and even clean their house when it's not even my home. I let him off sometimes because he's often not around when this happens as I visit them while he is at work.

FFs why did he relax? Why didn't he stand up to them? Why didn't he take on the chores/help?

You have a DH?DP problem.

This. You have a DP problem.

I cannot *imagine being expected to clean someone else's house, except under the most extenuating circumstances (e.g. they died/had a terrible accident and it's a one-off event).

Doing it under the circumstances you describe here? No. If, somehow, we ended up going to clean someone else's house under those extenuating circumstances noted, DH (and indeed our offspring) would be mucking in. No ifs. Not buts.