How do I deal with traditional inlaws?

[AliceWonderland88]

A bit of background: My Husband-to-be is from another country and we have had many discussions about expectations before becoming engaged. I was so delighted until I found out his family's expectations of me as his wife to basically become his servant and cook, clean, take care of the children AND his parents while somehow keep running my business. I am English and this isn't my fiance or I's expectation of my role in our marriage. However, his family bring it up nearly every time I see them now and it's beginning to get in the way of our relationship. I have made it clear to them but obviously don't want to offend them. My fiance doesn't say anything and would rather bury his head in the sand and claims he didn't know anything about this expectation from his family. How can I approach this in a firm but cordial way? Thanks in advance

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

Run.

^

He's not challenging them because he's hoping you will slip into wifey mode when the ring's on your finger. Do you expect to get a say in if and when and how many children you have, in where you move house to, in what you're allowed to do and wear? Too many warning signs here, but it's your choice.

He agrees with them, he's biding his time til your married and in his eyes trapped (I guarantee he wouldn't make it easy to divorce him) then he can really relax and let his mask drop. He isn't standing up for you because he benefits from you scivvying after you and his parents - he is enjoying it. Also why the fuck do you have to go visit his parents in your time on your own for? They're not nice to you. Seriously if you want children do not waste any more of your precious fertile years on this guy, even if you don't I still highly recommend you ltb as well.

My fiance doesn't say anything and would rather bury his head in the sand and claims he didn't know anything about this expectation from his family

He did know, and he has it too. Once you're married it will start, once you have a kid it will grow.

I'm guessing Pakistan?

You would be a fool to marry this man. As soon as you are married, you'll finally meet the person your partner really is, I guarantee it. Run for your life.

He needs to be on the same page as you. He also needs to be the one being firm with his family.

If he actually has different ideas expectations to you and won't stand up to his family then I would be seriously thinking about ending your relationship.

If he can't stick up for you then long term your resentment will build or he and they will wear you down.

He just says "it's their way you can't change them".

This is a BS response.

he's right that you can't change them. But the second half of this sentiment should be, "but of course you don't have to do any of this and I'll keep telling them this."

Because by not challenging them he's making it clear that he does in fact agree with them. I'd put money on things being relatively okay until the first child arrives, at which point, he'll be all surprised that he's out working all day and you aren't therefore grateful to be on baby duty 24/7 while simultaneously washing/cooking/cleaning/shopping for your own home as well as for his parents.

If he really is on your side, it's very simple - next time his mum makes a ridiculous comment like this he should say, "Mum, don't be silly - Alice isn't going to vacuum your house but if you need help, I'll do it." or similar.

And absolutely stop visiting them so much if this is going to continue. I don't normally advocate reducing contact but this is crazy. You spend more time with them than he does and you're already expected to pick up and look after them? WTAF?

So he won’t even tell his parents that you are his equal and you won’t be a servant to him or them?

I wouldn’t marry him unless he was willing to stand up for you.

Why are you 'visiting' his parents without him.

You've set an expectation.

You either go with it

Tell you 'dp' that you expect him to stand up for you

Or you end the relationship

I vote end the relationship- the situation will only get worse.

This sounds pretty bad and you are not even married yet and no children. It can get very very complicated. I'm not sure I'd want to commit to this constant opposition

Why on earth do you visit them on your own if they treat you like an unpaid servant?

I wouldn't marry this guy and I certainly would not be doing his family's chores!

You're doing this to yourself if you keep going to theirs knowing they will expect you to cook and clean for them.

He should just tell them that you are English, and being a slave to your husband is not part of your culture. I'd put off marrying him though.

@AliceWonderland88

They say things like: "Alice, your partner has a mess on his shirt, clean it up for him" "you need to make him lunch, prepare his bath, make him soup etc etc..." basically everything that implies I need to treat him like a child. "soon it will be your job to make the food, I can't wait for Alice to feed us" "Alice, make the coffee while he relaxes" "leave him alone, he's relaxing" "hoover my flat while I am gone (I don't live there)" "When we come over I want Alice to make us food"

This may all sound small but it's constant. My partner gets left to relax and I am expected to serve food and drinks and even clean their house when it's not even my home. I let him off sometimes because he's often not around when this happens as I visit them while he is at work.

I am not a horrible person and I don't mind doing kind things for my fiance but I don't appreciate being told it's my job. He doesn't act like this but he never does/says anything either which yes bothers me a great deal. He just says "it's their way you can't change them".

Well you can't say you haven't been warned. They are telling you how it will be once you are married. I wouldn't risk this unless you're extremely financially secure and have the means to leave.

I haven't done everything they have asked me to and other than this cultural difference we do get on great, which is why I visit them. I offer to help sometimes but whenever they ask something out of my boundaries I say no or just claim ignorance. I'm a naturally helpful person but have stopped being so nice after it never seemed enough.

Run for the hills.

It will get worse.

Speaking as someone who lives this reality I urge you to take a good long look at your future, and consider this a dealbreaker. DH is from the Mid East and his parents live about 2 hours away.

Everything was all hunky dory and nice and normal until the moment we got married. Actually, the run up to the wedding was stressful. The thing is, he’s actually a good husband and father, but he is tormented by duty to them and conflicting needs of our young family. After nearly 2 decades together (and a decade of marriage) I am mostly ok with it, but his mother was ridiculous when we had our children, and so so overbearing and at times vicious. Mostly I get through by being grey rock where they are concerned but it’s still very very tiresome.

They do not hold feminist values, you will never be able to win if assuming the subservient wife role is not something you want.

I think your only course of action is to speak to them with your partner and spell it out to them that you won't be following what they see as tradition. Be warned though, the extended family is the primary structure in some cultures and takes precedence over the husband/wife bond.

He says oh it's just how they are and yes, they can live how they want to live but doesn't mean you have to aswell. Is he embarrassed to be a 'modern man' and doesn't want them to know? How is he when they visit yours? Does he help or sit back and expect you to do it all? Or as others said he could be biding him time. If he doesn't want them to know he does housework at home I suppose they don't have to know but all the comments are not needed. He should be at least saying something to stop their expectations. If you do marry him, keep financially independent just in case.

Forgot to add, they are not even giving you subtle hints, they are full on telling you what is expected. Have you said to him, 'so when we marry and I don't do xyz what are you going to say to them then?' Its fine him saying nothing not but he can't Bury his head in the sand forever as when you marry and you don't change it will be spoken about

I wouldn't marry him. License for trouble

Part of me thinks he is afraid of being honest with them because he's not a "traditional" man. He's soft, gentle, cooks and cleans and isn't at all domineering. I don't have them over our house very much because as you mentioned they already told me what they expect - they'd be very disappointed lol

RUN

I agree with pp saying don’t marry him.

This will get worse once you are married, and worse again once you have a child.

He's definitely soft with his parents. When it comes to it, who will he defend you or his parents. You need to see him stand up for you. He's already said they won't change, but he's made no effort to explain what your lives will look like.

Does he visit your family whilst he's at work or is that a women's job?

Is there an expectation that all 4 of you will live together when you marry?

I'm with those sounding the note of caution here. I don't particularly want to diss your fiancé, but he does sound very in thrall to his parents.

I'd have been mightily unimpressed if DH's parents had ever treated me like the unpaid skivvy you describe and he hadn't stuck up for me. They didn't, by the way.

Are you really visiting them without him being with you? Why? I never visited DH's parents without him unless I was just dropping the children off when he couldn't. He has never visited mine on his own either. Stop that one straight away!

Tell your fiancé bluntly that he either sticks up for you and tells them to butt out or you will be forced to reconsider the relationship because you need to have confidence that you are not sleepwalking into a situation where you are considered the family servant.