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Original poster

Father v mothers in the workplace

126 replies

Eledamorena · 01/09/2020 05:13

Yesterday I called my husband at work. We sometimes exchange texts during the day but I never call as obviously he may be busy, but he can reply to a text whenever he has the time.

I'm currently on maternity leave and my toddler is off school, sick. We live in SE Asia so any problems at home can become complicated.

He ignored the call and when I called again, he hung up. I messaged to say I just needed 2 minutes. He wouldn't take the call.

He said later that he was in a meeting with his boss and eventually admitted that he thinks it would look bad for him to take a personal call while at work. The meeting was a normal weekly catch-up, nothing critical. He gets on with his boss (boss is male and has children).

I was really annoyed because I never call at work so surely he should have assumed it was important? When I'm at work, I would be expected to take a call and then deal with whatever home-related problem there might be (childcare issue or sick child needing to be picked up or go to hospital or whatever). If I am judged by my boss for this, I have to take it on the chin.

Am I overthinking this? (Possibly, tired and hormonal!!)

I tried to explain to my husband that if he cannot say to his boss, 'Sorry, my son is sick today and my wife never calls me at work so I should take this, I'll just be a moment' then he either works for a misogynist twat or he thinks it's just not his problem?

It made me quite irrationally annoyed and I told him that women in the workplace picking this stuff up while men don't is one of the reasons there is no workplace equality. It doesn't help that in this part of the world, wives really do pick up the bulk of all domestic work and problems even if they work full time, and expat men in particular often enjoy the high life while their wives do everything else.

Not sure what I'm hoping to achieve with this post... perhaps reassurance that I'm not going insane thinking it's unfair that he feels able to ignore a potential problem at home while I would never be able to do so when I'm at work?

OP posts:
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 01/09/2020 05:22

I would be profoundly shocked if my husband hung up on me deliberately - that's a very deep seated disrespect as I see it. Like you we exchange WhatsApps but I never phone him unless school have called me to pick up a sick child and we need to coordinate which of us can do it. We have 3 children so it happens, but very rarely.

I work in healthcare and am sometimes in sole charge at work so literally cannot leave without calling around colleagues to find someone to cover (I've never actually done that but it's what I'd have to do) without it being serious negligence. So DH has to answer calls from school, and does. If he's in a meeting he picks up and answers with "I'm in a meeting, is it urgent".

The only tiny thing with your situation is that you're already home atm. Still that'd mean he'd assume, as you never call at work, something like a hospital admission, and prioritise answering!

Franke · 01/09/2020 06:27

No you're not over thinking or going insane. This would have really annoyed me too. Has he at least acknowledged your view on this now?

eurochick · 01/09/2020 06:40

Hmm. I wouldn't answer a call from my husband if I was in a meeting with my boss. I would call back once the meeting finished though.

Pollyputthepizzaon · 01/09/2020 06:44

YANBU

SimonJT · 01/09/2020 06:45

It depends on the work place. When we are actually in the office we have a strict no mobile phones or smart watches clause if we are in meetings or on calls with clients.

Everyone has a desk phone so a message can be left on that if a child is sick etc, if there is an emergency they can call the company main number and the receptionist physically goes to that person to explain the issue if they don’t answer their desk phone, including during meetings.

SapphosRock · 01/09/2020 07:05

I'm female and wouldn't answer a personal call in a meeting with my boss as I agree with your DH that it looks bad. I would also cut off the call but would call my wife straight back at the end of the meeting.

What was so urgent that it couldn't wait half an hour?

If my wife repeatedly called or sent a WhatsApp saying I must answer then I would.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 01/09/2020 07:37

Cutting off the call is jaw droppingly rude and insulting though - I'm pretty stunned anyone would do that! There's no need anyway, it's purely a "fuck off" message. Mobiles are on silent in meetings so if you cannot answer in front of your boss for some reason (and I'd absolutely hate to work in a culture like that - what if the message was the child's being rushed to hospital in a life threatening state, or the school/ nursery/ police are calling about an accident and the other parent is equally unreachable or was in the accident too? No boss or meeting trumps responding to an emergency concerning your nuclear family) you ignore and let it silently ring out.

daisypond · 01/09/2020 07:45

YABU. I wouldn’t answer a call when I was in a meeting. It’s very rude. We’re not allowed to have mobile phones at work generally. Lunchtime would be fine.

Zampa · 01/09/2020 07:49

@eurochick

Hmm. I wouldn't answer a call from my husband if I was in a meeting with my boss. I would call back once the meeting finished though.
Likewise. However, I leave my phones at my desk during meetings so wouldn't have had it on me to answer anyway.
notheragain4 · 01/09/2020 07:50

Unless you and your son were en route to hospital I think YABU. I wouldn't have picked up the call, as a woman. I'd assume someone would call via my office if it was an emergency.

On the one or two occasions I've desperately needed to get in touch with my husband I have called his work directly as I can guarantee I could get him, but I had very sound reasons for doing so. I would do that next time you need him, but only when really necessary.

parietal · 01/09/2020 07:52

I also would not answer my phone from anyone when in a meeting with my boss. DH (who is wfh and does more childcare than me) would WhatsApp with topic and if it was urgent I'd call back after the meeting.

notheragain4 · 01/09/2020 07:52

Cutting off the call is jaw droppingly rude and insulting though - I'm pretty stunned anyone would do that!

If I was in a meeting and my phone was going off I'd absolutely cut the call off, much less rude than to handle it in a meeting.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 01/09/2020 07:57

Yanbu for noticing that mens jobs are so much more important and they never have to deal with sick kids or situations at home, because , they are much more important y'know.
This is why mother's career opportunities are usually more limited unless you can afford round the clock childcare .
However, I wouldn't answer a call in a meeting, you should have text so they could call back.
If you have a sick child in school I think in most cases the mothers would be contacted and have to leave work- it's a mans world !

lazylinguist · 01/09/2020 08:04

I'm female and in that situation I wouldn't take the call tbh. And if dh were in a meeting I would assume he wouldn't answer the phone. I'm a teacher and probably wouldn't even have my phone in class with me anyway. If it were an actual emergency, dh would call the school office and they'd come and tell me.

PumbaasCucumbas · 01/09/2020 08:06

Tbh I think unless you’ve told your boss “my son/elderly mother/etc is very unwell and might need to go into hospital so I need to keep my phone on/I need to take this call” so they understand the urgency of interrupting the meeting, I would say it’s normal not to answer and to phone back as soon as the meeting is over. People taking personal phone calls is distracting and wastes other people’s working time, plus having to have half a conversation in front of other people can be embarrassing too.

Maybe if he can see texts on his phone, you need to have a way of communicating this is a dire emergency? Or phone through the office switch board? This is the most reliable way of getting hold of me or my dh if the school/nursery need us urgently as neither of us can keep phones on our person.

SapphosRock · 01/09/2020 08:08

For a different perspective, I line manage men in my work and of one of them took a personal call during our weekly 121 I would find it incredibly rude and disrespectful. Unless it was a real emergency of course.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/09/2020 08:16

I also wouldn’t take a call in a meeting. I think it’s pretty rude to even check who’s calling unless you’ve said before hand that you might need to take a call.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/09/2020 08:22

Well, I never take a call in a meeting. Ever. It’s rude and whatever it is can wait. If it can’t wait, then the person calling usually calls a colleague or my secretary and they send someone in with a note to me physically. I’ve had one emergency that forced me to leave a meeting. It was when my DS broke his arm and I got a note in a meeting he was on the way to the hospital. I made my apologies and left the meeting. But I’d never take a call. In fact, I turn my phone off before meetings, we all do because our meetings efficient and about getting stuff decided, even the weekly regular ones.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/09/2020 08:26

I told him that women in the workplace picking this stuff up while men don't is one of the reasons there is no workplace equality.

That would be your choice. I don’t answer calls in meetings and never will.

When I'm at work, I would be expected to take a call and then deal with whatever home-related problem there might be (childcare issue or sick child needing to be picked up or go to hospital or whatever). If I am judged by my boss for this, I have to take it on the chin.

Why do you think you’d be expected to do this? I’m not, never have been and I’m a mother. Again, you are imposing this on yourself.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 01/09/2020 08:33

This is why we text, especially if someone doesn't answer first call. DH spends a good portion of his day on work related calls. As does his female colleagues. A text can be checked. He can't answer his phone. (Checking texts/emails in meetings is sort of tolerated as they are sometimes relevant or urgent).

His work sometimes means no mobiles. Actual emergencies go to the emergency contact number, which take the message and pass it on.

gurglebelly · 01/09/2020 08:58

I'm female and would have done the same as your husband if my phone had been with me, although I wouldn't usually take it to a meeting so my DH still wouldn't have been able to get me, (even if on silent it would buzz so I would decline the call, I would keep an eye out for a text though).

So I disagree that this is different for men and women, in our house you'd just expect whichever parent was there to deal with whatever it is.

You haven't said why you needed to speak to him tight that minute. If it was that you were taking your child to hospital, did you say that in your text?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/09/2020 09:07

Yeah, I wouldn't take a call if I was in a meeting. I think your husband is right.
I can't actually recall anyone, female or male, taking a personal call during a meeting.
YABU I'm afraid.

Rainb0wDrops · 01/09/2020 09:52

My view is clouded by the fact I work for a very flexible family friendly company where most of the senior leadership (men and women) have small children and I would absolutely be able to leave a meeting with my boss to take a personal call - although I would have my phone on silent in any customer meetings.
However I see that I may be in the minority and it depends on workplace culture.
It seems from your post the problem isn't just about this one incident but the fact that family and childcare issues are your responsibility.

IamTomHanks · 01/09/2020 10:04

I wouldn't pick up a call from my DH if I was in a meeting, with my boss or otherwise. DH knows this, and if he needs to talk to me he'll send me a WhatsApp saying Call

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/09/2020 10:10

I'd never take a call in a meeting, if memory serves the only times my DH has ever taken a call is when I've rang him 2 or 3 times after him disconnecting to let him know we're on the way to the hospital. But I'd ring him 2-3 times then text to say what the emergency was. If it's not an emergency and he disconnects I'd text to say on way to doctor or whatever it is. When pregnant and around the 38 week mark as far as I know he'd check who's calling and answer me but his boss would know in advance that he's keeping an eye out. (That basically means I never call him passed 38 weeks- only texts because I won't have him running out of meetings)