12 yr old DD. Gender Dysphoria, sudden announcement

[Motherofajuggernaut]

Hi
Title says it all really
Dd has just announced she is gender Dysphoric
We're all at sea

Not even sure where to begin.
Our reluctance to accept this carte blanche has been accusing of being transphobic. We're not but we are asking for time and open mindedness from ourselves and her.
It's clear there's been a lot of external social influence. Especially since lockdown, she's struggled to engage with school in any meaningful way and has been highly anxious.
She decided to break the news on the day of a family funeral where due to social distancing and travel etc only my husband attended when we would normally have all been there. Maximum impact
She came out in December as a lesbian we didn't skip a beat, sexuall preference is a non issue for us.
But now this...

We simply don't know where to begin

@justanotherneighinparadise

You can’t push back against it OP. The online forces are too strong. In your position I’d keep the dialogue going and get as educated as you can as to where she’s hanging out online. Transgender Trend is an excellent resource.

Try and get ahead of it as to what she/he’s going to start requesting. Binders for example, potentially hormones to disrupt puberty. Really find out where this is heading and see what you can do to ease her anxiety around her changing body.

This lockdown time has been pernicious for our kids. Online life is nothing like real life and they’ve spent far too much time on screens (including my own).

I'm not sure I'd agree that you can't push back. The DD is only 12, so still quite young and more open to parental influence than, say, a 15 yr old. Look through her browser history - she's young enough that this is still justifiable and not an invasion of privacy. See what she's been looking at, watch what she's watched, read what she's read. Question her how she "knows", and remind her that as a girl she can do anything she wants with her life, she doesnt need to stop being a girl to achieve her dreams for the future.

Have you heard of wifi gryphon routers? They are pricey but very effective. We have one to limit screen time, but you can use them to block access to certain sites and track what sites they visit. They also block malware. You could just block Reddit or wherever the influence is coming from. She is only 12.

Thanks to all the replies relating to my earlier post. Been unable to log in to Mumsnet for a couple of days so just catching up now. All the messages validating our opinion that school has been somewhat out of order here are very helpful in framing a response. We've so far been able to find nothing in the way of a published policy that covers this, for the school, LA, trust or diocese, which are the school's various regulatory stakeholders.

@MrsChalfont
I couldn't agree more. The conformity of teenagers and young people to gender stereotypes in terms of appearance and relationships, for instance, is astonishing and depressing to me. It's radical for a girl nowadays to simply have short hair. A few years ago, I was naive enough to allow another dd, then about 6 years old, have a short pixie cut at her request. The emotional pulping she received at school about this triggered years of mental health difficulties. No wonder young people are demented.

[quote teawamutu]Lily Maynard is a brilliant writer who went through this with her daughter. Her account of it might help you:
4thwavenow.com/2016/12/17/a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia-helps-her-daughter-desist/[/quote]
@teawamutu - just read this - what an amazing blog - wonder if the writer (and the daughter), got a lot of abuse for writing it.

@rogdmum

Nonicknamesleft If your daughter is under 16, the school is leaving themselves wide open to legal action if they affirm her without your permission. Despite what the lobby groups claim, it is unlawful for them to do so.

How is it unlawful to just respect their name? Under 16 for medical/confidentiality reasons, yes, but not to respect name and preferences? Genuine question

Sorry to hear what you are going through, but it sounds as if you are managing well. Consider the following;

• block Reddit, mermaids and any other suspect sources of information from the internet via your router.
• decide where your boundaries (eg using sex based pronouns only, proper name) are and reach out to those around you who will help reinforce these; family, friends, school.
• join the Bayswater support group for advice
• continue to emphasise that gender stereotypes are harmful
• listen to your child, don’t be dismissive, but ask questions and listen carefully to answers.
• encourage activities and friendships which bring joy to your child
• try to anticipate what your child’s next demand will be, so you won’t be shocked or upset, but have a calm, considered response.
• you mention ASD in the family, might your daughter have ASD? An odd question but it is notoriously underdiagnosed in girls.

Good luck, I wish I had followed the above advice a few years ago.

listen to your child, don't be dismissive

How does that square with this though

decide where your boundaries (eg using sex based pronouns only, proper name) are and reach out to those around you who will help reinforce these; family, friends, school

That's literally doing the opposite of listening to them? If you're reinforcing that nope, this is what I say you're called and then try and get everyone else to do the same?

@Pickledonionsfortea
@Quaagars

Thank you for the encouragement and helpful advice (and I disagree that those two statements are inherently contradictory). Regarding ASD, yes, dd does have that. She's slightly unusual in having been picked up in KS1 and not at our instigation - we just thought she was a bit eccentric (we were right about that though!

Honestly, I think all children in the middle of puberty become slightly gender dysphoric. Their body is changing from androgynous where gender is displayed by clothing and hair styles, to a body that is gendered in appearance. Plus for girls you get periods which I personally have always hated and am counting down the years to menopause. Young teens don’t realise that it is normal to not feel comfortable in your body for years, or to hate periods and then they think it’s due the gender of the body, when honestly boys feel just as awkward as they mature to men. It’s a normal phase to have while maturing from child to adult body.

@SapphosRock

Where are you based OP? If in the south Allsorts is a lovely charity helping LGBT young people and their families.

www.allsortsyouth.org.uk

If she is being influenced by TRAs online, try and steer her towards some positive lesbian role models. Rose and Rosie are brilliant, young lesbian YouTubers:

www.youtube.com/user/TheRoxetera

Buy her Diva magazine, it's trans friendly so she won't consider it transphobic but the content is very much written for lesbians and bisexual women.

You can also let her watch some TV with positive lesbian role models in it. L word generation q is good, it does have quite graphic lesbian sex scenes so you might think she's a bit young. Depends how mature she is in general. Also shows a younger lesbian of 16 starting a relationship with her female best friend.

Buy her some books by Sarah Waters. They are affirming of lesbian sexuality and also great stories.

Let her read and watch Tipping the Velvet - it shows a lesbian experimenting with her gender expression without actually thinking she's male (granted it's set in the past).

If she genuinely has gender dysphoria then none of the above will make any difference, but it sounds like she's young and confused and figuring out who she is. And could do with finding out more about lesbian culture.

I love Sarah Waters, but at TWELVE ? That is a very young child to be reading her work.

Definitely limit her internet access at the moment.