Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

And don't worry that your kids will think it's all OK if it's not. Kids are quite good at judging their parents behaviour! They've got you giving them a good example and a steadying influence.

Thanks, Tinsel. The thing about the divorce is not that I seek his consent, as I have ample grounds even if we hadn't lived apart for so long. It's more a case of once he gets the notification he will feel like I've won and that he has to get something in return. At the moment it's like he's forgotten we exist, but once I reach out to finalise things, he will likely start asking about the DC. For that reason it feels easier not to address it....but it isn't a long term solution I know. So when do I do it? Now and bring down a lot of stress on my head when I'm trying single-handedly to run the family on my own or leave it for as long as possible, with a bit of luck until the DC are grown so that they will know for a fact that he isn't interested in them?

When all this came out two years ago I was broken. I've never been in such a bad place. Crying day and night, unable to work or look after DC. Thankfully I had a relative staying at the time, but I couldn't tell them what had happened. Things got better because he backed off. I'm afraid to bring all that down on myself again

He just announced it all of a sudden. There was no discussion about how it would impact the family, how I might be feeling. It was like 'guess what I'm a woman now go away and deal with it.'

Hello TieYourCannons, well done for posting! The women on here are amazing, you'll get a lot of support and there is also a website which Tinsel flagged up a while back. Bear with them a while as it's late, they'll come through, and give you all the support and advice you need.

Wow, cross posted

Thanks. I must remember that not everyone is a night owl like me . I'm feeling better already.

That's good! Take care you and wishing you better days. Good friends for you here.

@TieYourCannons

Thanks, Tinsel. The thing about the divorce is not that I seek his consent, as I have ample grounds even if we hadn't lived apart for so long. It's more a case of once he gets the notification he will feel like I've won and that he has to get something in return. At the moment it's like he's forgotten we exist, but once I reach out to finalise things, he will likely start asking about the DC. For that reason it feels easier not to address it....but it isn't a long term solution I know. So when do I do it? Now and bring down a lot of stress on my head when I'm trying single-handedly to run the family on my own or leave it for as long as possible, with a bit of luck until the DC are grown so that they will know for a fact that he isn't interested in them?

When all this came out two years ago I was broken. I've never been in such a bad place. Crying day and night, unable to work or look after DC. Thankfully I had a relative staying at the time, but I couldn't tell them what had happened. Things got better because he backed off. I'm afraid to bring all that down on myself again

You need to get some legal advice. On one hand you don't necessarily need to get divorced but on the other you want to make sure he's not entitled to anything if you die.

Do you know where he is? If not you may be able to divorce without him knowing given how long it's been but I can't remember exactly what the rules are.

Hi Cannons I can relate to your wanting to keep peace/stability and quite liking him falling out of contact. It can feel much easier. You have to weigh up whether action, resolution and getting this cloud off your life is better than biding your time. Trouble with the latter is that you're living on a knife edge waiting on him. At any point he could want to contact the kids (how old are they btw?). Or as likely, the kids will ask quesrions as they get older. I can see why you are sitting out your life waiting for the kids to be adult, to protect them. But as many of us have found, kids survive this. Some are okay with it, some are very damaged by it, but secrets can be very problematic. I'm assuming you don't want or need the financial clarity of divorce which often drives action? You can sit tight, but you then have to accept this limbo state and the background stress it causes you. Sounds like you're in a better place than a few years ago and successfully bringing up.your kids, so don't forget what an achievement that is. Many of us have found transitioned partners to be shockingly self-absorbed and -often after a bit of posturing about being their father - absent, unempathic to their kids' feelings around this issue, and frankly pretty useless. So you may find he does reappear but not for long. Your kids will then know the truth, you will deal with it, and then you are much freer. What benefits are there for you in divorcing?

@TieYourCannons welcome to the thread. I’m still inside my situation so I’ve not much to offer but know you have a lot of support here. It is so difficult and stressful to manage not only your own emotions about all of this but also to figure out what is best for the DC. Since it has been so long since he left the family do the DC recall that interests and picked up and dropped?

Has anyone else found that they lie to others such as stating they came to their decision through therapy when they never went to therapy but just to a confirmation place to get a thumbs up for their self ID? It’s jarring to have both places like here where there is understanding for what I and DC are going through and then also the total opposite of those that have zero thought to any of it and just jump in line fawn on him (which just seems to amp up the narcissism and the associated behaviors).

@SeasideM My heart goes out to you and anyone still stuck in such a painful situation. I could not have borne it. They do lie to others, but primarily I think the lie is directed at themselves. I asked ex when he started to have these feelings, because I swear there was no indication whatsoever. He told me that as a teen he fantasised about being a girl in a lesbian relationship. It was about a year later that I found out that is classic AGP. That was such a moment of discovery for me (I’d never heard of AGP). In his case, he got led into it through his ASD – he’s vulnerable, looking to fit in, feels a failure at life. He said he was telling a friend how he felt and that friend asked if he could be transgender and invited him to his house to try on some women’s clothing. That was all it took. Now he feels it’s right for him but I know that’s because he’s found a group of people who welcome him without judgment (for now) but it isn’t going to solve his problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has now made up more of a back story.
Another reason I don’t want to tell DC is I am hoping he may get bored of it. He would have done by now, were it not for the support he gets from the group. So yes, the fawning and validation without question does further confuse and ramp up the narcissism.

To answer some of the questions, the DC are primary age. They do remember him as we used to visit back and forth even after he stopped living with us. I have told them he can’t live in a family setting because of his ASD, which really is the root of the problem. One positive outcome is I’ve noticed the DC are now especially kind and patient towards the ASD children in their class.

I don’t need to divorce unless I decide I want to be with someone else. It just feels wrong and unfinished. I am financially stable and ex wouldn’t be entitled to anything. House is mine and I always paid for everything. I don’t exactly know where he is, beyond that he is dossing with some friends in another city. I did enquire about divorce without him knowing, and the advice I got was that it would be far easier if I would just contact him. He’s not going to contest it – how can he? I’m just being a coward because interacting with him makes me ill and stressed and I don’t have any relatives nearby to rely on.

@TinselAngel And don't worry that your kids will think it's all OK if it's not. Kids are quite good at judging their parents behaviour! They've got you giving them a good example and a steadying influence.
You’re right, I need to keep telling myself that, sigh.

And thanks @socialworker222. You're probably right, he wouldn't stick around.

I am financially stable and ex wouldn’t be entitled to anything. House is mine and I always paid for everything.

At the risk of labouring a potentially morbid point, what if you die? Have you made a will? Otherwise if you're still married, he might get everything rather than your kids.

A bigger concern if I died would be that he would get the DC. And then dump them on his mother .

In fact, writing it all out here has helped me to think. I'd best stay married for now so that he can't take them anywhere without me...in the very unlikely event that he pops up and wants to do that.

How is everyone?

What I'm trying to say- and possibly not being clear, is that if you die without making a will and you're still married- he will automatically inherit.

I understand. That won't happen but I can't explain it without outing myself. There is absolutely no way he would be entitled to any of my property.

Fair enough!

...can't take them anywhere without me.
Unfortunately I don't think staying married would prevent him being able to have private contact with them/take them away on holidays, were he to reappear. Unless you involved formal agencies because you believe he's a risk to the children, there is no such reassurance. It doesn't sound as if that's the case, of course apart from the distress and confusion he may well cause them, and possible crap care. My ex gave very insensitive and poor contact care to my kids, not following explicit agreements such as not having lingerie strewn around, not dressing up, going at a slow pace, working with me to communicate. He also made my kids feel uneasy in ways he behaved, and didn't provide enough food, activity or any discussion of what was going on. One child felt afraid of him and did not want to sleep at his place. However as many women share on MN, crap insensitive inconsistent or lazy parenting doesn't stop him having the right to time with them, without you there. So I'd be careful not to assume you could keep an eye on things were he to pop up and want contact as he appears entirely likely to have that option. This comes back to you bring okay with taking that chance I guess. Appreciate you can't tell us more but it seems unusual to be able to protect all your assets in marriage... Universally it's a 50/50 split then adjusted for need/kids. Either way it's good you're working out how to live with this difficult limbo state. Are you managing to start to rebuild your own life going forward?

To be honest, the likelihood of him turning up and demanding access is 1 in 10. He'd have to have an income and a home first, otherwise surely I'd be within my rights to say no you can't take them to a squat hundreds of miles away with God knows who else living there? But if he wanted to take them on a day trip, I'd say what a nice idea I'm coming too. If I'm his wife he can't stop me, but if divorced and he did involve outside agencies then presumably I'd have no right to tag along on his time with the DC.

But realistically, it's not going to happen. I have to give my head a wobble sometimes or the paranoia creeps up on me, but speaking openly here is helping me see it more rationally.

He isn’t capable of considering how his actions impact the people he has a responsibility towards – his wife, kids, parents, siblings. He’d do anything for a stranger but shit on his family. It’s all about how they make him feel. These ‘friends’ give him validation and look up to him (so he says) so he doesn’t have to examine his behaviour. But when what he wants to do hurts a family member he acts like it’s either not happening or all their fault and they are terrible people, all against him, etc. I wouldn’t call him a narcissist though. Just clueless. An adult child. How can you just walk out on your family without any warning? No provisions made for the DC, no discussion about if/when/how they would be told, no communication asking how we are – even when Covid struck, not a single message! I mean, wtf?

I’m glad though, just venting. Glad because I don’t have to deal with him, glad because my life drastically improved when he went. I got a series of new jobs and promotions, redecorated the house, got a new car, took up my hobbies again which had fallen by the wayside because of him. I couldn’t read a book in bed because he was always demanding sex. I couldn’t go to my sports class because he was whining that all the guys there fancied me (they really didn’t). It was a manifestation of his own social insecurities. I’m looking forward to starting it again because I have put on a bit of weight. Once I get that going, I’ll be more than happy and grateful for my lot in life, I think. I don't get any help with childcare so I don't get evenings out, but you know what? It's a small sacrifice all things considered 😊.

We are amazing. to all of you.

It's a hypothetical situation but I think a better approach should it happen, would be to insist on supervised contact, supervised by somebody else.

You're right that it's useful to write stuff down or say it out loud to somebody because when you hear yourself saying things or read it back, it can give you a fresh perspective.

Hello, this is an interview I did about being a transwidow. It is quite grim and triggery so beware. I hope this helps a few of us 💪🏼❤️

Well done for doing it, you're a star. And thanks to @Glinner for airing it

I don't usually post on this thread, because I don't see it as my place, but Wombatmama - I am listening to that and it is grim but it is what it is and sometimes you need to listen to things you don't like to understand. And so many people need to understand.

You are a star and I wish that good life for you xx