Half of all women will be carers by age 46

[Kit19]

I work in this field and am not remotely surprised. The entire care system would collapse without family carers - men become carers too of course but generally at a later age and more likely to care for partners rather than parents

www.bbc.com/news/education-50465922

Or children with disabilities with sod all help.

Yes that too @blackeyedsusan - reports focus a lot on older ppl but also children with disabilities and working age ppl. Basically the government relies primarily on women to just do this without support or financial help. They know if women stopped they’d be fecked but they count on women keeping on keeping on so they never have to find it properly

Wow, that's shocking!

I was a carer to my mum at 47 when she was diagnosed with a brain tumour. It wasn't for long as it was so aggressive but it was incredibly intense as her ability to do things dropped on a daily basis. I have two school aged children too and run my own business. It was a very, very stressful time. I cannot imagine having done that for years but so many women do.

This is such a massive problem that is very rarely spoken about till it’s thrust upon you. My Dad has dementia before he died and I picked up a lot of the caring duties. I was working full time, then pregnant then had a new born for some it. It’s so stressful and takes over your entire life. And you are expected to get on with it. I felt traumatised after caring for both parents

I am the sandwich generation (51 Years Old) my Mum is mid eighties and is virtually housebound and relies on me for shopping, trips to Gp hospital, vet etc. I also have a disabled 12 year old who needs a lot of help and a part time job. I am exhausted with it all, it is all consuming and i never get time for myself. My me time is a 20 minute soak in the bath when DS has gone to bed. I can see this going on for another decade or so and I don't know if I have the energy

I identify with this. I properly became a carer aged about 40. I nursed one parent through a terminal illness and now am a carer for the surviving parent. I still have a primary age child, and I have a job as well. I am stretched to the limit and after years of excellent health I have recently found myself picking up bugs here there and everywhere. Caring puts a financial strain on my family as well as an emotional one. And in the eyes of the powers that be, I'm invisible. I'm berated y government ministers for not working full time in a higher paid job and paying more tax, whilst at the same time berated by government ministers for wanting help with the caring responsibilities. If I thought about it for any length of time I would crawl into a hole and never come out.

36 years old here and been a carer for the past 12 years (and for the foreseeable future with a disabled child).

I think the sex pay gap has a lot to answer for. DH has asked me time and time again if we should swap roles but I will never be in a position to earn as much as he does, which isn't a lot tbh. I would like to see an increase in carers allowance or some acknowledgment that I've had to give up my career to be an unpaid carer.

Caring responsibilities at a young age. Both of my parents died young but I had sibling that needed care and that ran straight into my parents in law needing care.

Leaving children aside, I'm currently a shared primary carer for 2 and a secondary carer for another 5.

I don't think I'm at all unusual.

Yup.
Cared at arm's length for my Mum who lived pretty independently but unable to manage financial matters or admin for best part of a decade and then in my own home for 3 months when she was terminally ill. Whilst still working and caring for a young family. I'm not 50 yet.

Interesting the way you say the government relies on women as if it’s the government’s responsibility. A lot of people don’t agree, I think that’s why so many people end up becoming carers in the absence of paid care. I have cared for my children in their infancy. I expect to care for my father in his old age, and for my husband too. It wouldn’t occur to me to expect or accept the government taking over that responsibility.

Don't think anyone wants the Government to be responsible for the care they are doing for loved ones. Financial support & recognition (respite at least) for people doing a difficult and invaluable job is necessary. Don't know many parents who didn't accept Family Allowance/Child Benefit Velveteen, obviously you didn't accept yours (if you're UK based)

It is a societal responsibility tocare for those who depend on care. This should not just be dumped on women.

It is also interesting, that caring for one’s own infants is not even considered carework. It is just taken as read, that of course women should do this without support.

If women stopped having children, and caring for them, society would cease to exist within the lifetime of those who are new- born now.

Society relies entirely on women producing the workers of the future, so support should be a given.

Likewise, women typically end up with much lower pensions than men, not least because of the career breaks we take to care for others, including future worker.

If we did not raise those future workers, there would be no one to create the wealth people’s pension plans rely on.
No babies, no future pension, for anyone.

It is preposterous to expect women to take a pension- and career-hit, to enable others to claim their much higher pensions.

Yes, it should be compensated somehow, even if it means overhauling capitalism. Carers work so hard and their work is essential.

It's not that I want the government to do the caring for me. I want to look after my family. It's the fact that I am also expected to work and adequately provide a pension for myself. If I face poverty in old age, I'll be told it's my own fault for not working harder and making more provision during my working years. But how do I achieve that? How would I hold down a full time job whilst being able to leave at short notice to deal with a fall? Or to take a day off almost each week for hospital/nurse/physio visits? How do I pay adequately into a pension when I'm backed into a corner and don't earn much to start with? Because jobs that pay well tend not to be part time and flexible.

It's properly terrifying looking ahead to old age.

I'm genuinely going to refuse to do this for my parents when the time comes. I have two brothers. We all have children. I know my very sexist traditional mother will expect me to assist her. There's absolutely no reason it can't be one of my brothers.

I think it’s a couple of things

About 600 ppl a day have to give up work to become carers in the uk www.carersuk.org/news-and-campaigns/press-releases/research-more-than-600-people-quit-work-to-look-after-older-and-disabled-relatives-every-day

This impacts on people’s lives hugely. It means carers are poorer & struggle to make provision for their own old age. Carers report regularly feeling stressed, ill & lonely. It doesn’t seem right that this disproportionally impacts on women

The health & social care system is a maze and certainly as far as my MIL and grandmother in law were concerned there was no way they could have coped with the endless forms, phone calls, meetings, plans & bombardment if information without DH abd me acting as advocate & messenger pigeons!

Caring covers such a range of things and while I think most ppl are happy to help their parents with Transport, shopping, housework & managing life admin once you get into personal care it’s much harder.

Caring covers such a range of things and while I think most ppl are happy to help their parents with Transport, shopping, housework & managing life admin once you get into personal care it’s much harder.

When I've had conversations about caring with random people (travelling somewhere) it's not uncommon for there to be a sense of relief that someone understands. And I've had people burst into tears as they have the opportunity to tell someone else what a strain it is to care for someone else (who needs attention during the night, so restricting sleep) when you and your partner both have substantial healthcare issues.

Even when social care assessments are done, too many carers end up feeling judged - and no assistance is offered.

In my generation of the family, the number of people in reasonable health who are available to give care is dwarfed by the number of people who need some degree of care. And that's before considering friends, neighbours etc.

I know a lady in her 80s who is a carer for her much older sibling, who is aged in her 90s. Older sibling has no family of her own. 80 something years old and she is washing floors, doing shopping, attending to personal care, taking her sister to hospital appointments etc and they are not deemed to be in need of a care package because she is available to do it all. The poor woman is going to drop dead from exhaustion some day. I can not imagine the strain of being a carer for someone when I'm that age myself.

If you think you’re going to be absolutely fine with caring for elderly parents then that's great. Go ahead and do it but please don’t judge others who find it an enormous struggle. I’ve had a caring role for the past five years for my mum who is elderly and disabled. I also have four children two of whom have ongoing health issues. And I work. I am absolutely frazzled. And it has ruined my relationship with my mum. She can be demanding and difficult. And I resent the time taken from being with my children. The impact on my mental health is significant. I dread my own old age and would never ever want to put my own children through this.

There's absolutely no reason it can't be one of my brothers.

This is exactly the same problem mothers face. There's no reason why it shouldn't be the father taking the career/finance/leisure time hit. That would be our preference, that it's all shared. But what if the men simply don't step up? Or what if the women - for whatever reason - care more? That reason may be socialization or guilt or whatever, I don't know, but it doesn't make a difference to the woman faced with the choice of care and personal sacrifice on one hand or neglecting a family member on the other.

I was a carer for DS2 until he was 18. I didn't recognize that I was a carer until he got a new, far better nurse who told me.

As for caring for parents, mine are in their early 90s, utterly delightful and completely independent. I'd be perfectly happy to care for DM if she needs it. We'd have a lovely time together and she can afford to get carers in to do the heavy lifting. I'm 60 and it's beyond me.

DF says I'd drive him insane in a month (we're very alike) so if DM goes first he's going to sell up and put himself in a very nice home.

The discussion about DF's plans came about after DF came to me very earnestly asking what would happen to DM if he died first. I told him that I'd move in immediately and stay while she decided what her plans were. He was very taken aback. "Why didn't I know this?" he demanded. "Because you aren't going to be there" I replied. A pretty dim thing to say when I come to think about it.

Another one here forced into a caring role, running a business and a lone parent. I'm exhausted and risk social isolation as I have little energy or time left to see friends. I'm also putting off my own health appointments whilst taking my DM and DD to theirs. Social services were absolutely hopeless when we needed some emergency help. It has affected my relationship with my DM too, she won't get help from a carer then expects me to drop work to do little tasks for her. I refuse when I can't but it causes bad feeling. My DB helps but picks and chooses when it suits him and I'm left with everything else whether it suits me or not, same as XP with childcare, though he does no active parenting anymore now DD is a teen.

My mum and I look after 4 elderly relatives between us. Neither of us do a lot of personal care but we do sometimes have to do it when paid carers can’t come. I run all financials and life admin including filling out forms for this that and the bloody other as their needs change and we have to have them re-assessed and push for the next level of care package.

I think people who aren’t themselves involved in looking after someone else just aren’t aware how bloody endless it can feel sometimes. I don’t work full time because I’m recovering from a chronic illness myself and I have a toddler. Mum is very newly retired. The relatives we look after will likely go for a good while longer, in one case quite possibly another 20 years. All are adamant they want to stay in their own homes, which is obviously their choice, but it doesn’t half create issues because somebody HAS to be there at key points in the day. Who drops everything when the carer doesn’t turn up? Who fields 13 calls a day asking about x, y or z?

Carers allowance is a joke. Apparently neither me or my mum do enough hours of caring to qualify

As a society we need to acknowledge that people need to be looked after. As PP says, no reason men can’t do it too (and many obviously do) but we need a shift in attitude to enable more men to do it. It’s just not seen as valuable and it shows.

Sorry. That was long but oh my god it pisses me off so much that women are just relied upon to do the heavy lifting on this and given fuck all in return.