Half of all women will be carers by age 46

[Kit19]

I work in this field and am not remotely surprised. The entire care system would collapse without family carers - men become carers too of course but generally at a later age and more likely to care for partners rather than parents

Also just on carers allowance; am I remembering right that it’s about £70 a week for 30+ hours of care responsibilities? It’s an insult.

Pretty sure that carers allowance stops once you hit retirement age too. Or it used to anyway. I just remember a relative who had a disabled daughter who said that her carers allowance stopped when she herself turned 60 (it was a few years ago now)

My mum was on her knees taking care of my granny who had mild dementia and arthritis, at the same time my father was recovering from a heart operation. My Dsis and I were independent adults by then but add dependent children and work to the mix and you have someone heading for a breakdown. And it nearly always gets piled on the women of the family. I get fed up with those who say family should do the caring: many seniors have complex and demanding care needs requiring professional help, and not everyone is in a position to uproot their entire lives to live near a dependent relative.

DS became a carer at 17 for DH so I could carry on working. It meant he couldn't get a job after leaving school and although it made the best financial sense for us as a family, it made me feel so guilty. We knew it would be a relatively short term thing and DS really wanted to spend the time with his dad while he could. We found it was tricky for him when he looked for work after DH died, because the only person who could give his reference was no longer with us and he had to rely on DWP explaining the reason why he had been unemployed since leaving school.

I can imagine that as an older woman, it would be more difficult to even get to the interview stage, because of the inherent biases against women of child bearing age in general. The carer's allowance was sufficient for DS because he was subsidized by us - he was only entitled to £20 universal credit on top of the ac allowance but he got the enhanced rate because DH's illness was terminal. It wouldn't have been enough to run a household on had he wanted to go to uni and I had had to give up work to become a carer- I wouldn't have got any element for children as he had finished school. The system stinks.

Carers Allowance is one of a series of income-replacement benefits that you can only get one of, so it stops when you get a pension.

YY to what Badger says, the mental load and unpredictability of it all is unbelievable, even if you’re not doing a huge amount of practical stuff.

I’m not sure I understand what the problem is? Surely you could write a similar strap line along the lines if “Half of all women will be mothers (for example) by whatever age”.

I'm genuinely going to refuse to do this for my parents when the time comes

Yup me as well. Not a chance in hell

But what if the men simply don't step up?

Same situation as the woman not stepping up. I'm not becoming the default choice simply by virtue of being born female. I agree that it shouldn't be the woman who's automatically the parent to take a career break when children come along.

5zeds well, will half of all men be carers before they’re 50? No. So it is obviously an issue, even if you haven’t read anybody’s experiences on this thread alone. Add in the rest of the shitshow surrounding women; we earn less, we often take a career hit because we’ve had children, we’re less likely to be the main earner because of both of those things and the fact that there is a societal expectation that women will just absorb caring roles which will punish them even further financially. It’s a cluster fuck. And that’s just financially, we’ve not even touched the sides of what it does to women emotionally to carry a mental load of this magnitude.

Can I ask, exactly, why you don’t see a problem with all that?

5zeds because there's no end to caring duties until death or relative goes into a home. This could last the rest of the carer's life, like the example of the lady in her 80s caring for a sibling.

I can see this from several sides.
From the age of 9 to 15 I was a child carer , helping my grandfather care for my great great aunt who was bed bound and in her 90's.
I did blood sugar checks, changed pads and clothing , washed her , fed her and talked to her for hours.
Of course my grandfather did more.
Even though she had lost the ability to talk years before.
A lot of adult relatives could have and should have stepped in but we became very isolated.
Family stopped visiting etc
Then in my early 20's I moved in with my bloody dreadful great grandmother for 2 miserable years so she could stay in her home .
Didn't see a soul expect my grandfather ( her ex son in law) until she died age 101 and suddenly all of the vultures descended on us!
Then in my late 20's I looked after my grandfather for several years, whilst working ( he came to live with me , total role reversal as he had taken me in when my adoptive parents marriage failed to stop me going back into care . He didn't want to be looked after but he couldn't cope at home)
He died when I was 33 and my first DS was a few months old and had just been diagnosed with CP.
22 months later DC2 was born prem and have multiple severe disabilities, which mean he will never be independent.
I think DS1 will be but with good support.
Now they are almost 11 & 12 and in the summer I suffered an injury to my brain stem.
I've had to learn to walk , talk and even swallow all over again.
I have debilitating fatigue, pain and I'm so forgetful it's ridiculous.
I'll spend an hour trying to say a word.
It's in my head but gets stuck.
Very frustrating!
I've literally only been out of the house to attend hospital or GP appointments since the start of summer and my husband has been on paid leave looking after me.
Although I have carers twice a day .
I've made huge progress but I've stalled.
Again we have only had a couple of friends visit, the odd message and never once seen his family who all live minutes away.
My husband is not coping with the children or the change in dynamics at all.
My family live thousands of miles away but are in touch with me daily.
I've been told my issues stem for stress and overloading myself with responsibilities.
I had several miscarriages in the last few years, delightful husband had an affair and I read hundreds of texts to the OW saying how awful I am , how neglected he is , how ungrateful I am and how I give all of my attention to my 2 DC's ( plus the photos and sexting) we went NC with most of his family after his insane sister said it was ok for her 16 year old son to bully our then 11 year old at school because he was embarrassing because of his cp! He tried to hang himself and I home schooled him for a year until we got him a place in a school for moderate learning disabilities.
DC2 has been extremely unwell with seizures and is on oxygen again now.
My brain literally went pop.
Now I can see "DH" feels like a caged animal but he has no idea how much I resent him for allowing me to take on all of the responsibilities of caring , working from home and keeping the household running while he was feeling sorry for himself and taking solace in old horse face!
It's not like I hadn't asked for some help.
I gave up in the end because he doesn't listen.
He sits on the sofa all day , watching shit on his 86 inch screen .
Getting fatter by the day and doesn't stop complaining about how hard his life is.
The house is a shit hole and he feeds the kids horrible processed junk, when he's capable of cooking but he's so tired the poor lamb.
Honestly I could scream , if I could I would.
I've lost all respect for him.
I don't think having 2 disabled kids and having a wife who couldn't put him on a pedestal like I did before because the boys needs were greater suited his idea of the perfect life.
Where as I've never believed in perfect and I adore my boys exactly the way they are.
It really pisses me off that women take on most caring roles .
I saw my grandfather care for his aunt for years without complaint but a lot of men think that caring is solely a woman's domain.

"Also just on carers allowance; am I remembering right that it’s about £70 a week for 30+ hours of care responsibilities? It’s an insult."

It is an insult. It's only £66.15/week (which is less than JSA and the lowest rate of ESA, both £73.10) and that's for caring for at least 35h/w. £1.89/hour!!

It stops if you earn more than £123/week or if you reach state pension age and get a state pension.

Strictly speaking though it's not a means tested benefit, you can claim those at the same time to top up your income (if eligible) and you would get a "carers premium" too.

I was thinking about this thread and actually realised that I know about half a dozen people who ended up dying before the elderly relative that they were caring for. In a couple of cases they died of cancer a few days after diagnosis. It's entirely possible that they would have died of cancer anyway, but the point is that they had been so busy caring for someone else and worrying about them that they put aside their own symptoms because they didn't have time to be ill, until it was too late to even have treatment.

I think that's heartbreaking and I can't believe how heartless people are to just shrug their shoulders and say that that's just how it is, because families should care for each other.

Thing is elderly parents don't always say to their middle aged daughters.'I want you to be my carer.' it is a creeping increase in errands, appointments, admin and domestic support. All to sustain a fiction that the person is coping independently.

That’s so true @startuprepair it just creeps up on ppl & then suddenly you realise you’re there 3/4 times a week doing things

I used to do advice work and I remember getting a phone call from a DIL clearly on the edge who was round her MIL 4 nights a week doing things, shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as working & looking after her own DC

I visited the MIL who said to me that she hardly ever saw the DIL - she only came 4 times a week.....I was able to explain that that was in fact a lot and get some other help in but I often think of it and how the reality of caring was differently perceived by the MIL & DIL

I’m not sure I understand what the problem is? Surely you could write a similar strap line along the lines if “Half of all women will be mothers (for example) by whatever age”.

A lot of us haven’t chosen to do this, we’re here by circumstance, and it’s just not rewarding in the same way that having a child is for most of us. I had significant mental health problems most of my life because I experienced poor parenting, I’ve managed to work my way through them, but now here I am again personally restricted in what I can do because of caring. I won’t stop doing it because I think it’s the “right” thing to do, but I’m pretty miserable and exhausted.

I’m not sure if it’s relevant but I AM a full time carer. I wasn’t trying to say it’s not difficult, I was trying to understand what this thread is trying to address. Given that I am in this position myself and likely to care rather longer than the average woman I’m not sure why the assumption is automatically that I don’t understand what caring involves or how it might impact your life.

Men being able to get on with their careers at the expense of women, and a system set up that takes for granted disregards the work of women when this has a detrimental effect on our lives, our children, and our health would probably be my two top issues.

@5zeds the problem is that we live in a system where men get paid for their work and women don't. I mean, that's obviously simplistic. A lot of men are unpaid carers, and a lot of women earn heaps. But that's the pattern.

It's like, the whole economic arrangement is sexist. But even practically, it seems unreasonable. WHY do carers have to be so isolated, for example? WHY is there no adequate backup for them?

This is life though and not as bad as the 70's. My mum cared for lots of older people on their own as nobody else to do it.
It wasn't through any group just her neighbourhood.

It would be good if men took more of a caring role, perhaps we should make them take care of their own parents, my dh has always known I wouldn't do this for ils.

This is life though and not as bad as the 70's. My mum cared for lots of older people on their own as nobody else to do it.

It was a completely different economic system though, my DM did work full time in the 70s, but we were really unusual, whereas now many women work more than full time and are still expected to undertake that caring role.

the problem is that we live in a system where men get paid for their work and women don't. Is that the problem? (Nb I’m not suggesting that isn’t A problem). I would say the problem is the ruler you are measuring with. IF you see the value of any endeavour in terms of how much money it provides then it’s obviously the key issue. Seems a very “Male” and rather old fashioned take on things to me.

WHY do carers have to be so isolated, for example?. They aren’t always but I think in my case it’s because the nature of the care required is not possible in a more team/social setting. I don’t think that’s unique to caring though. Many walks of life involve long periods of solo work.
WHY is there no adequate backup for them? because the quality of alternative provision is abysmal or nonexistent.

In the 70s there weren't as many elderly people with very complex needs needing cared for.

My mother was a carer for her parents in the 70s. My father earned good money so she didn't work, she devoted her time to us and to her parents. She is very elderly now and I care for her, and I'm fortunate to have siblings, although the burden is not shared equally there (but that's another story, and not gender related in our case). She doesn't regret caring for her parents, she was glad to be able to do it. Her parents were very grateful to her, and she is very grateful to me and tries her best not to be demanding. And she isn't; she frequently asks me to leave her and go and give attention to my own children instead. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel guilty every time I leave her in an empty house alone, knowing that she won't see anyone else today and she is lonely. And if she falls she can't get up. It's an emotional load as much as a practical one.

IF you see the value of any endeavour in terms of how much money it provides then it’s obviously the key issue

It's not that I as an individual see an endeavour in monetary terms. It is that society sees it in monetary terms.

A few years ago on this forum I got torn to shreds by multiple posters for saying that I couldn't leave the area I grew up in to search for a better paid job as my parents were reliant on me for care. Apparently I was selfish, I owed it to the country to work more and pay more tax, I was setting a bad example to my children, I shouldn't be allowed to use the NHS because I didn't contribute enough, I deserved to be poor in old age for not planning better. Apparently what I should have done is move to London where the jobs are, earn a fortune and pay for carers for my parents.

I think that people who have no experience of paid care have no idea how limited it is, never mind that the most dedicated of carers making a cup of tea a couple of times a day does not in any way compare with a loving family who'll actually spend time interacting and making the person feel like they still have someone who cares about them.

I'm a carer for my two dcs who have additional needs. I'm incredibly lonely. My self esteem is really low because I can't get a job and my children don't understand how hard it is to not just be their mother, but their advocate and therapist too. The eldest can also get aggressive which is scary because I have C-PTSD from my childhood. I'm completely invisible. If I disappeared only the three people in my family would notice. There are carer get togethers, but I can't go as my youngest dc is part time at school. I've just been let down by someone I thought was a friend, so I'm feeling very low today.