I hope my daughter is a lesbian.

[RhinoR]

She's 10.

She says she doesn't like boys. That one day she will get a girlfriend. She says she has a crush on a girl in her class.

This has me hoping she will indeed be gay.
From my own experiences to those I read daily about young women being abused, coerced and degraded by their partners I fear so much for my daughter going through such things.

Women aren't perfect of course, being gay won't protect her from heartbreak and maybe some abuse at the hands of her partner but I daresay I would sleep better at night.

Is that terrible of me?

OK, fair enough, can see that
but to me also makes as much sense as saying you've had bad past experiences with women so they all need to be stayed away from as a result

Well yes, that can happen too. I'm sure there are lesbians who have experienced domestic abuse who now avoid dating women as a result and choose to be single. It's just much more common in heterosexual relationships and much more likely to escalate to physical violence and murder when men are the perpetrators, according to the statistics.

In the end, people just have to do what feels right for them, and teach their own sons and daughters about healthy relationships and the red flags of abusers. But it's also perfectly valid to avoid dating either sex completely if you are traumatised and have had bad experiences before or are just simply done with dating and relationships. Being single is very valid choice compared to being in a lot of relationships, in my opinion.

Being traumatised from an actual experience and so avoiding things like that experience is not quite the same as avoiding something because of a statistical risk.

While the statistical risk of being murdered by a male partner is far higher than being murdered by a female partner, in absolute terms it still isn't very high. You are much more likely to die in a car accident.

Plenty of us go through having relationships with males with not a single bad experience though.

This isn't true!! I'm sure some women have that experience, but plenty?

I've never had a bad experience with a man either.

I tell her there are nice men out there,she doesn't believe me.

My dd had an entirely different experience throughout her school days. Right from reception her class always mixed and played together - boys and girls. She went to as many boys parties as girls parties. At secondary school she had many boy friends and they would go out together in a large mixed group. Two of her best friends are boys alongside several girls too. Now she's at uni and she's got male friends again, one who she knows from school.

Her group of friends has always been like this and the girls in her group are exactly the same.

That's how it should be. She totally sees herself as equal to.men because she has always been with them, grown up with them and they've been part of her life in the same way as girls have.

It's just much more common in heterosexual relationships and much more likely to escalate to physical violence and murder when men are the perpetrators, according to the statistics

Is it more common or is it just that there are more heterosexual relationships and so there will be more actual abusive relationships but what are the figures as a proportion?

2 women a week is 104 women a year. That is absolutely 104 too many, but statistically it isn't likely to happen to you or your dd.

Thousands of people are killed or seriously injured on the roads every year but does that mean you never leave your house?

Your response isn't proportionate and given that we can't change our sexuality what are you going to do if your dd isn't a lesbian? Will you lock her in the house so that you can keep her away from men or subject her to some kind of conversion therapy?

You're going to seriously affect her life if you raise a dd to have the view that all men are a risk. Raise her to have good boundaries, to have high self esteem, to value herself, to recognise red flags, to know what healthy relationships look like.

I don't know what makes you think women cannot be abusive. I've known lesbian women who have been heartbroken over abuse by a partner.

Thousands of people are killed or seriously injured on the roads every year but does that mean you never leave your house?

Exactly

I don't know what makes you think women cannot be abusive

Has anyone said that though?

@Wotcha you do realise we cant choose our childrens sexuality dont you. Dont worry, if my dd has boyfriends, im not going to deter her. Some of my favourite people in the world are male.

Statistically she is far more likely to be hurt, raped or killed by a man than a woman though. You do realise thats a basic fact, and you are on a feminist board, no?

Wotcha, the op said:

From my own experiences to those I read daily about young women being abused, coerced and degraded by their partners I fear so much for my daughter going through such things.

However she did go on to say:

Women aren't perfect of course, being gay won't protect her from heartbreak and maybe some abuse at the hands of her partner but I daresay I would sleep better at night.
......

However the issue here is actually wishing your child to be a lesbian and as others have said, you can't choose your child's sexuality.

There are plenty of good men around who wouldn't dream of abusing a partner.

you do realise we cant choose our childrens sexuality dont you.

Isn't that the danger with some of these posts though? Hoping that your dd will be gay, stating that men are a danger and the only way to stay safe is to stay away from them - what if the dd isn't gay? Presumably, as you say, parents can't change their child's sexuality, then the straight dd is going to want a relationship with men. How does that work when she's been raised with a parent who holds such views?

It's no good saying that you don't say these things directly. They are there and will come through subtly, as a subtext, in your views and opinions. Your child will know how you feel even if you never say it directly.

Bit odd to hope your child is one sexuality over another. I do get why but don’t make this clear to her at all.

Maybe youre right. Maybe gay people are gay because their parents subversively put the ideas in their head against the opposite sex?

Maybe youre right. Maybe gay people are gay because their parents subversively put the ideas in their head against the opposite sex?

I don't think that but I do think that if you grow up knowing that your parent doesn't want you to one particular sexuality then they aren't going to feel good about disclosing it to you are they?

I'm not gay myself but from what my gay friends tell me, growing up / coming out as gay is a hell of a lot tougher than growing up a hetrosexual person. I personally don't think being gay is the easier way of life, even nowadays there's stigma, abuse, preconceptions, discrimination aimed at you.

I also don't think being gay omits you from being in bad relationships, being hurt, being used or being abused.

I want my daughter to fall in love with someone who makes her happy and treats her right, whatever sex they are.

HearHooves.
Im more than happy if she turns out to be gay, as long as shes happy.
Statistics show that heterosexual women are the least sexually satisfied, and a woman has a much greater chance of being killed by a man she is sexually involved with than anyone else. The whole porn crisis we have going on, is terrifying. God forbid that people might be happy if their kid is in a safer demographic?

Being happy that your kid is gay is not the same as whispring in their ear that all men are bad. She knows theyre not. Shes got a father shes very close to and shes got brothers. Shes always had male friends. She looks and dresses like a boy. Its hardly shocking to me that shes interested in girls and im very happy for her.

Am I supposed to be telling her that she needs to give boys more of a chance?? Whats your agenda here?

Being traumatised from an actual experience and so avoiding things like that experience is not quite the same as avoiding something because of a statistical risk.

Yes, they are two different and valid reasons to avoid dating men if a person wants to avoid dating men.

While the statistical risk of being murdered by a male partner is far higher than being murdered by a female partner, in absolute terms it still isn't very high. You are much more likely to die in a car accident.

Yes, but to date men still increases a woman's risk of experiencing domestic abuse from him and ending up as one of the murdered women.

I'm confused why people on a feminism board seem to keen for women to keep dating men, after repeated bad experiences.

Just yet another thread of sexist bigotry this really.

Is it more common or is it just that there are more heterosexual relationships and so there will be more actual abusive relationships but what are the figures as a proportion?

I got my statistics from women's aid. You'd have to do some research into statistics for lesbian domestic violence to get the answer to this question.

2 women a week is 104 women a year. That is absolutely 104 too many, but statistically it isn't likely to happen to you or your dd.

I think you might be getting me mixed up with the OP. I'm not the OP, and I'm not a mother.

Thousands of people are killed or seriously injured on the roads every year but does that mean you never leave your house?

Yes, some people do avoid driving for this reason. They are entitled to make this choice. Everyone has to weigh up risk and make their own decisions based on that.

Your response isn't proportionate and given that we can't change our sexuality what are you going to do if your dd isn't a lesbian? Will you lock her in the house so that you can keep her away from men or subject her to some kind of conversion therapy?

My response is because I'm a survivor of domestic abuse with PTSD. Again, I'm not the OP and don't have children. I was responding to a poster about the reasons why women might want to avoid dating men. I have no idea where you got the idea of locking people in houses and 'conversion therapy' from. I've not seen anyone here advocate for that.

You're going to seriously affect her life if you raise a dd to have the view that all men are a risk. Raise her to have good boundaries, to have high self esteem, to value herself, to recognise red flags, to know what healthy relationships look like.

As I stated above, if I had a child I would raise him or her to be aware of abusers and be able to spot the red flags. I think people who assume that everyone has good intentions, and don't raise their children to be aware of abusers are doing their children a massive disservice.

Im more than happy if she turns out to be gay, as long as shes happy.
Statistics show that heterosexual women are the least sexually satisfied, and a woman has a much greater chance of being killed by a man she is sexually involved with than anyone else. The whole porn crisis we have going on, is terrifying. God forbid that people might be happy if their kid is in a safer demographic?

Being happy that your kid is gay is not the same as whispring in their ear that all men are bad. She knows theyre not. Shes got a father shes very close to and shes got brothers. Shes always had male friends. She looks and dresses like a boy. Its hardly shocking to me that shes interested in girls and im very happy for her.

Am I supposed to be telling her that she needs to give boys more of a chance?? Whats your agenda here?

Spot on, I agree completely.

Yes it is!

There are abusive men, we all know that, but plenty who are not. My husband was certainly not abusive, neither was his dad or mine.

In any relationship you have to take your time to really get to know someone and their friends and family as far as possible.

Lola said: I'm not gay myself but from what my gay friends tell me, growing up / coming out as gay is a hell of a lot tougher than growing up a hetrosexual person. I personally don't think being gay is the easier way of life, even nowadays there's stigma, abuse, preconceptions, discrimination aimed at you.
..........
That is exactly what I thought.

Our children have the right to grow up to be what they want/are meant to be. Trying to steer them in a particular way is wrong.

I only have one child but if he was gay I'd be fine with it, as it happens he isn't and so life is just a little easier from that point of view. He would never abuse a woman in a million years!

RhinoR, your daughter is only ten. A lot of children prefer the company of their own sex at that age, don't like boys/girls, etc. There's nothing sexual about it. Wait until she is a teenager, you will find out then soon enough what her preferences are!

First part of my above post was in response to StreetwiseHercules, I should have said, didn't think the thread would move on so quickly.

Just yet another thread of sexist bigotry this really.

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What about all the women that beat their male partners...if they were gay they would be beating their women partners...
Pfft I know what I'm getting at here

Not just that, but over 90% of violent crime is committed by men. Two women die each week at the hands of male partners. Ive been married very happily for 40 years, but statistically, daughters are safer with female partners. That said, my DD is straight. But can see with young men and porn and violence why women would prefer a nice, respectful girl.

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