I hope my daughter is a lesbian.

[RhinoR]

She's 10.

She says she doesn't like boys. That one day she will get a girlfriend. She says she has a crush on a girl in her class.

This has me hoping she will indeed be gay.
From my own experiences to those I read daily about young women being abused, coerced and degraded by their partners I fear so much for my daughter going through such things.

Women aren't perfect of course, being gay won't protect her from heartbreak and maybe some abuse at the hands of her partner but I daresay I would sleep better at night.

Is that terrible of me?

I don't think op is saying her life will be over if her daughter ends up with a man or that she'd force her to be a lesbian... Only she feels a preference inside. Like how lots of people hope to have grandchildren etc doesn't mean they'll be forcing or pressuring their adult children to have babies they don't want to have.

Of course your daughter picks up on your feelings of what makes a good relationship and your hope that she might be a lesbian. Just like I picked up my parent's expectations that I would fall in love with a nice boy and get married. They never actually said that to me but I knew it.

Then again at 10 I wanted to be a boy like my brothers and all the other kids in the neighbourhood (there were very few girls near where I lived.) I know now that that was just me wanting to fit in, get their assumed privileges, not that I actually wanted to be male. Frankly I still do envy lots of male privileges and hate some things about being female but that wouldn't make me want to go back and change things at the age of 10.

Abuse doesn't just happen in hetro relationships, it's probably more common because hetro relationships are the most common, although it shouldn't happen at all!

I think your hope is for the wrong reasons, I hope my children are in happy loving relationships regardless of gender.

It's not just in partnerships abuse happens, a disgusting excuse of a human being wanting to rape a woman won't care about her or her sexual orientation.

OP it does seem that violence by men on women is reaching catastrophic levels in terms of a) frequency and b) how barbaric and degrading it is. Add to this a justice system which seems to be accepting "sex gone wrong " as an actual defence and the fact that vile porn is now mainstream ... I absolutely understand the primal desire to protect our beautiful girls (and boys) from this. Sometimes the the things I read (and the courage of women) makes me want to cry.

There are still so many good, kind and respectful men out there so I think your wish for your daughters sexuality is misguided. She'll love who she loves. All we can do is bring our kids up to be good and kind, influence and apply pressure in society where we can and then hope for the fucking best

It is interesting. I wonder about my daughter and she is 7. On Roblox she likes to pretend to be a boy character to chat to the girls. She told me she like to kiss a girl.

However, I don't care either way who she rather date when shes older. There is a high rate of domestic abuse in lesbian relationships as well.

It's not your place to hope that she has any particular sexual orientation, it's your duty to bring her up to have healthy boundaries and self esteem. You don't have any right to have a preference in what sort of woman she becomes. And if you don't think that you are subtly influencing her in some way you are misguided.

She's 10. She may feel very differently about boys quite soon. Or not.

Children most definitely know if they don’t fit in with their parents expectations, thinking otherwise is very foolish.

Abuse isn't just about murder though, is it?

I have known lesbians in abusive relationships too. Any abusive relationship seriously lowers your quality of life. She will be what she will be, but hopefully we can teach our children how to protect themselves from abusive relationships.

Understandable, not terrible. But worth questioning your assumptions. Many heterosexual relationships are great and same sex relationships can also be abusive.

My dgd is 8. My plan is, if she asks me, to encourage her to make her own assessments and set her own boundaries and make her own safety and happiness her priorities. Trust her own judgement, not that of other people. That should cover it, I think. I might also point out that a lot of things now promoted as normal and necessary weren't seen as so to past generations.

I thank my lucky stars every day that I'm a lesbian. I know it's a generalisation but I think more men are lazy, disrespectful and generally useless than women. You only have to read the relationship threads on here to see that!

I have experienced violence from a female partner before (inexcusable) but there isn't the imbalance of strength there is in straight relationship. If she'd have been a man I would have been more likely to be seriously hurt.

OP your daughter is lucky you are so supportive of her. The only downside is the potential for prejudice and negative reactions from family and friends.

@CuckooCuckooClock I have a DD and another baby on the way. Lots of lesbians have kids these days.

Tbh I agree with you OP, I often say half-jokingly that I hope at least one of my daughters is a lesbian. Our NDNs are a lesbian couple; I said as much to them recently and they agreed! It's not to say that there aren't problems, but there is certainly statistically less violence and more equal relationships due to gender stereotypes and traditional marital roles not being entrenched.

A lot of people seem to think that being a lesbian is exactly the same as being a heterosexual woman except you are in an (idealised) relationship with a woman.

But heterosexuality is also:

• Being told by society that your sexuality is normal
• Seeing frequent positive representations of your sexuality in the media and role models in real life
• Not having internalised disgust at yourself because your sexuality is wrong
• Not having to keep your sexuality secret because you fear people's reactions
• Not being disowned by family or friends for your sexuality
• Not being bullied or ostracised by other girls because of your sexuality
• Not having your sexuality disrespected, told that your 'genital preferences' are immoral or bigoted and that you just need someone of the same sex to 'sort you out'

-Not being encouraged to think that you are really the opposite sex and undergo harmful medical treatment because girls don't think and feel like you do

• Not being harassed at work because of your sexual orientation
• Being able to easily meet with other people - including potential partners - with the same sexual orientation and not being attacked for being exclusionary for doing so
• Not having to even think about whether it's safe to walk down the street holding hands with your partner and not to face attacks for doing so
• To be able to visit any country in the world without thinking about what risk your sexuality will present

I know people don't view these things as part of their heterosexuality, they just see it as normal and how things are - but these are part of heterosexuality and you can't just keep all this and switch in a relationship with a woman (if you can even find another lesbian to have a relationship with given what's happened to the lesbian community).

It is quite normal to have crushes on the same sex at 10.

I know a few lesbian couples. 4 of them have had abusive lesbian relationships in the past.

I only know 1 person who has been in a heterosexual abusive relationship.

@Pimmsnlemonade As a gay person (but male), I completely agree with you. I don’t know a single gay person who has been unscathed mentally by their sexuality.

@Pimmsnlemonade

Apologies posted too soon.

@Pimmsnlemonade I actually disagree and I don't think lesbians get a hard time at all compared to gay, bi and trans people.

• Being told by society that your sexuality is normal

Yes - gay marriage has helped a lot

• Seeing frequent positive representations of your sexuality in the media and role models in real life

Yes. Lots of lesbian couples in soaps and have been since the Brookside kiss

• Not having internalised disgust at yourself because your sexuality is wrong

I am lucky not to

• Not having to keep your sexuality secret because you fear people's reactions

Never

• Not being disowned by family or friends for your sexuality

Was lucky not to be

• Not being bullied or ostracised by other girls because of your sexuality

Never

• Not having your sexuality disrespected, told that your 'genital preferences' are immoral or bigoted and that you just need someone of the same sex to 'sort you out'

Once or twice about 15 years ago only by men

-Not being encouraged to think that you are really the opposite sex and undergo harmful medical treatment because girls don't think and feel like you do

Never

• Not being harassed at work because of your sexual orientation

Never - it would be illegal

• Being able to easily meet with other people - including potential partners - with the same sexual orientation and not being attacked for being exclusionary for doing so

The internet is great for this

• Not having to even think about whether it's safe to walk down the street holding hands with your partner and not to face attacks for doing so

The area where I live is fine appreciate not all places are

• To be able to visit any country in the world without thinking about what risk your sexuality will present

Again, fine. As long as there are no PDAs then it's unlikely anyone will care. Being a lesbian is easier than being a gay man in hotels. Sharing a double bed with another woman is no big deal, could be a friend, sister etc.

My mum suffered terrible abuse at the hands of her female partner.

Given the homophobia that unfortunately is still rife I think it's a strange thing to wish for your daughter.

my 11yr dd says shes pansexual, and has had a boyfriend before and now has a girlfriend but I know what you mean OP, I would feel far less worried for her if she stuck to girls, but I suspect like most bisexual women, she will probably end up with a bloke as they are easier to find (like me)

- Not being harassed at work because of your sexual orientation
Never - it would be illegal

Well, men beating up their partners is illegal too so surely that isn't a problem either then?

- Being able to easily meet with other people - including potential partners - with the same sexual orientation and not being attacked for being exclusionary for doing so
The internet is great for this

If you think the internet is great for lesbians being able to connect without being attacked for our 'exclusionary' dating preferences, then you haven't looked at much of the internet. As for online dating, it's full of transbians, bi couples seeking a unicorn etc - Someone did a tally on this a while back and out of 100 matches they got on online dating only about 6 of them were actually lesbians seeking other women for a relationship (and obviously not everyone is either seriously dating or going to be a match for that person).

You seem to have had a very fortunate time and I'm glad for you but that isn't everyone's experience and heterosexuality brings a lot of advantages (and, no, I don't count dating men as being one of them.)

Actually @Pimmsnlemonade try replacing 'your sexuality' with 'your transgenderism' in your post. Lesbians definitely aren't getting the hardest time at the moment.

Ooh, I've thought of another one...not being able to have a discussion about the challenges presented by your sexual orientation without someone trying to change the topic to a different group.

This has me hoping she will indeed be gay

Eh? What? Why?
Nothing wrong with being a lesbian, of course there isn't, but why would you hope for one outcome based on your own bad experiences?!

From my own experiences to those I read daily about young women being abused, coerced and degraded by their partners I fear so much for my daughter going through such things
Plenty of us go through having relationships with males with not a single bad experience though.
Not dismissing those who do have bad experiences of course, but my point is you shouldn't project your issues onto your daughter.