ROGD Parent Support

[iamright17]

This is a new thread for parents who are experiencing the phenomenon of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria in their tweens/ teens/ young adults.

Sadly we are being watched and our words taken out of context so please be careful what you say.

I want the UK and beyond to listen to parents. Even if it is deemed as anecdotal for now, it is important for someone to acknowledge our perspective. The trans narrative is trying to undermine our credibility.

[Qcng]

^ I've come across him...

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Hi, our 13 year old daughter came out as trans on Xmas day- that was fun!.
They want us to use he/ him and a boys name when being referred to.
DD is autistic with PDA traits and has been distressed by boobs and periods since puberty started.
She ( I'm going to call her she here, sorry) has bought a binder and wants me to buy more but I'd rather buy an effective sports bra. Her hair is short due to the inability to care for it long and she has dressed as a boy for a few years now as she worries about being kidnapped if she looke like a girl.
To me it all seems much more complicated than her wanting to be a boy. She is also at a girls school so god knows what will happen there.
I'm just looking for some support where people are telling me we have to let her medically transition asap.
We are happy to use pronouns and her chosen name but don't want to give permission for her to do something irreversible.

[OhHolyJesus]

Oh god Poly I'm so sorry, has she asked for anything to do with Dr app? You must be in shock still. What a thing to be faced with and on Xmas day. Was it a big announcement to the family?

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Yes , she wants to be referred to clinics etc but I know all the lists are closed atm.
Luckily it was only DH and I and her siblings.
Eldest DD is sceptical, DD2 is 16 and gay- she has been encouraging unfortunately.
DS is 12 and delighted to have a brother.
We have;t told wider family yet although we going to need to. I feel like we are in a nightmare :(

[JanesKettle]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Polyplax

The best advice I was given was to slow things down. Your dc may want things to move fast, but it's in her best interests to take things as slowly as possible.

One useful phrase I've used with my youngest about hormones/surgery is 'these are adult decisions'. Be like a broken record.

Remember your child is more than her feelings about being female. Don't let yourselves get bogged down into endless gender discussions. Do normal (for her/you) things together too, that aren't about gender.

And no, you don't have to fast track her into any kind of medical transition.

[jamrollyolly]

Poly I'm so sorry to hear that. Going slow is great advice, try to take some hope from those who's children have changed their minds. Some good advice I was given was to block specific websites, such as reddit and 4chan which have sub threads that really promoter this ideology.

[ArranUpsideDown]

One useful phrase I've used with my youngest about hormones/surgery is 'these are adult decisions'. Be like a broken record.

These radical treatments with their scant follow-up and unknown full consequences - there are massive ethical issues around running a clinical trial for a reason.

DD is autistic with PDA trait

My friend's child likewise. Child was happy to move to a different school because there no friends to leave behind (warning bell for me at the time). Child is no happier at this school so I wasn't startled by the announcement child is now a male-presenting Enby.

Who knows if it would be different if we had better access to CAHMS at the point of need.

[iamright17]

Poly do not tell anyone yet. Keep this low key and try not to feed the fire. If you haven’t researched this then Transgender trend and 4th Wave Now are websites that do not encourage affirmation and are great for finding more info and advice. I would also suggest speaking to your 16 year old about this as you need her on your side. Get as much info first so you know you are informed and have some authority. Try not to give into pronouns and names as this is the start of an horrendous journey for you all. You have a lot of time yet so try not to let your daughter manipulate you into quick decisions. It is not easy. Do not go to the Doctor yet for advice as most doctors have to affirm their trans belief. Do not contact Mermaids a support group in the Uk as they affirm and will make you feel you must too. Read up on detransitioners. Detrans Reddit is a good site. There are so many more places I could point you to but I don’t want to overwhelm you. Keep the home life as normal as possible at the minute. I understand your daughter is distressed but it is why she is distressed that needs explored. If you affirm you will not get to the route of the problem. Be careful about therapists too. Research is the most important first step. Hope this helps.

[rodgmum]

Poly Please come join us on Twitter. Both @Bayswatersupport and @OurDutyGrp have active online communities (including private chat on Twitter). They have been a Godsend to me over the past two months. There are plenty parents out there who don’t agree with the automatic positive affirmation approach being pushed right nor. My daughter is 14, likely ASD and got sucked into this through school - a year head told us as parents that we had no choice but to let the school affirm her! Turned out he was making up school policy and it has been stopped now, but it’s frightening how institutions are ploughing ahead with it. I’m @Rodgmum on Twitter if you want to read our story (pinned tweet).

[BlackberryViolet]

Hope you don’t mind if I join in?

DD announced she was trans when 15. She’s now 18 so classed as an adult. This came from nowhere. She was diagnosed with aspergers aged 12. What gets me about all of this is the relationship between ASD and ROGD. Not one of the professionals we have seen is even mildly curious about the link or acknowledges that one exists. At the time she was under CAMHS and seeing a counsellor at an autism specific youth group. All just affirmed. And put her in touch with Mermaids. We were told to not question her, just confirm that she was now my son and to do otherwise would result in emotional harm and risk of suicide. We were threatened with social services if we didn’t tow the line.

Just after her 16th birthday she changed her name, used her birthday money on a internet rip off merchant, the youth group helped her complete the deed poll forms and acted as witnesses. We knew nothing about it until it was finalised, the youth group didn’t tell us. So all exam certificates and driving licence are in her male name. I wasn’t allowed to be upset. I had said no to hormones or puberty blockers, binders etc but now she’s 18 I don’t get a say. She’s on the waiting list for the tavistock but has a wait of a few more years.

What annoys me so much is that at no point had anyone asked where this has come from, or explored why she feels this way but both CAMHS and the youth group counsellors actively tried to prevent us exploring this. After all we’re just her parents. It’s instantly affirm all the way. To do otherwise is “emotional harm”, I got so sick of hearing those words. No one seems to stop and think

[Smallblanket]

BlackBerry - I share your frustration. My DD was diagnosed with ASD aged 19, a year after she told us she was not a girl, but a boy. The ASD diagnosis was careful and thorough, took several visits and involved us all as a family.

By contrast, there has been no attempt by any medical professional to get to the bottom of why she feels like this. The gender clinic simply accepted her assertions and referred on for hormones. And took no account of the ASD, quite severe MH problems, or lack of emotional maturity. This is despite the NHS statement given to Newsnight that extensive therapy is offered to patients in GID clinics.

Which means that our kids, whose lives are already fraught with all sorts of challenges, may end up infertile and regretting their decisions.

It is even more of a nightmare when they are over 18.

[JanesKettle]

It’s instantly affirm all the way. To do otherwise is emotional harm

An absolute lie.

Having seen the mental health improvements in my now adult child under lack of affirmation + adequate mental health treatment for co-morbid conditions + education and understanding of their ASD and how it manifests, I can assure you, the only people doing harm were the fast-tracking cheer squad.

[JanesKettle]

I wasn’t allowed to be upset

I'm so sorry. You're allowed to be upset here. We're not going to guiltwash you with demands that you kill off your emotional life in order to be a good, supportive mum.

[JanesKettle]

Also, 100% agree with iamright - don't tell family, don't feed the fire. As best you can, stay outside of the drama of it all. Nothing is urgent.

[NonHypotheticalLurkingParent]

Hello all - don’t know how I missed this thread!

My daughter identified as trans from age 11-15. She’s now 19, It’s taken her 4 years to get to the point that she can rationalise that time of her life.

Poly that must’ve been stressful day. You’ve had some good advice here. Take things a day at a time. Remember, that to your child their feelings are very real.

As your daughter is under 16, you can make a Drs appointment in her name, but go without her. This is what I did. I was very open with our GP about my fears of later regret, etc. It got the ball rolling, dd felt listened to and was referred on. The long waiting lists for each stage were a blessing.

Talk through your worries calmly with your child, show them the articles online about using binders while still growing - how they can cause breast tissue to grow into the rib cage. Being honest about my health concerns regarding all the drugs and surgery, not lecturing dd, helped. We researched it together.

Janes - I totally agree. Once dd’s OCD was treated, her life changed.

The mental health services are shockingly underfunded, which compounds the issue. Local CAMHS are so over subscribed, that it’s seen as easier for them to sign children off to the Tavistock, to shift them off their waiting lists. They just don’t have the resources to provide counselling to anyone. In our county it’s outsourced to a local charity who rely on trainee psychologists and people who have done a 1 year counselling course via the church.

I do know that in our area transgender youth were prioritised for medication checks and prescribing, when the CAMHS service only had 1 part-time locum psychiatrist for a year. Many children and young people were left being prescribed harmful medication, without the due diligence of physical or mental check-ups.

[NonHypotheticalLurkingParent]

And I echo Janes, you have every right to be upset. Dd has ASD, we got her to understand that we were upset by explaining it was a big change for us. She doesn’t like change, but with support can cope with it. She could then see why we might be upset!

[BlackberryViolet]

Janes. Thank you. I realised what bollocks it was about 6 months down the line. When she came out we naively assumed that there would be some continuing help with asd and the other conditions she has. We did think we could explore why she felt like this, what the underlying issue was. After all she was already under CAMHS and we were already getting help with asd. Once out as trans though that stopped and I feel we were steamrollered into acceptance. I did want to look at private help but we were pressured away from that.

Then I started reading, read some more and got angry. I’m not sure if it’s too late or if she will engage to get private help or even where to go. I have very little trust is so many professionals now.

Smallblanket. This is what scares me. We had hoped that the gender clinic would be thorough but I have concerns. Dd would like children one day and I can’t square that with the treatment she wants. It doesn’t make sense and no one seems to realise this. Her asd diagnosis was so thorough yet this was diagnosed in less than 30 seconds

[Italiangreyhound]

Thank you for starting this support thread.

Young person came 'out' at 13, over two years ago. Female, identifying as male. Prior to coming out there was a period of interest in anime/lots of internet use etc.

ASD, bisexual maybe, and also suicidal at times. All very difficult. Now being as supportive as we can as we feel no choice in matter at all.

Just watching and waiting and hoping.

[WomanBornNotWorn]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, everyone.

I wondered if there was a list of videos by detransitioned people that could be a useful resource?

Something the children could watch that they might feel helpful, giving a point of view from experience that they might listen to?

[SisterWendyBuckett]

I'm so sorry to hear what's happened Polyplax. All of us on this thread completely understand how you are feeling right now

Knowledge is absolutely key for us ROGD parents.

When a child suddenly 'comes out' as trans, it's like being hit by a juggernaut.

We're 2.5 years down the line and are only now connecting with other parents. We were so caught up in the shock, manipulation, gaslighting and associated behaviours that go along with this that we retreated into ourselves in order to process everything and survive.

The battle is always centred around truth and reality. And that makes it extremely hard when each individual young person is absolute that this is how they feel, have always felt, will always feel. That's an almost impossible premise
to challenge and terminates further thought and discussion.

Trying to maintain a neutral stance, based on facts, actual past history, correct information and concern for your child's health and future is the most loving thing we, as parents, can do.

Of course, young people caught up in this will not thank us for that approach, as they are told everywhere they look that they must be fully accepted as their 'authentic self' or else. The 'or else' means that for many of us
with older independent children, we have been estranged. The message is that they should cut off from family and friends who don't collude.

If our children are given time, unconditional love and acceptance for who they actually are - without affirming their trans status and identity - then we can hopefully help them to keep their future options open.

When we did finally connect with other parents we saw how similar every story is. Everything our child insisted was about her as an individual, actually belonged to a collective narrative. Our child has done everything possible to shut down critical thinking amongst family and friends - divide and rule, for or 'against'. It's heartbreaking - but it's all part of it.

I'm starting to see that the only way forward is to join our stories and knowledge together, keep hold of the truth, and to do everything we can to insist that clinicians provide an alternative to the affirmation pathway, via therapy and other psychological services.

[JanesKettle]

Trying to maintain a neutral stance, based on facts, actual past history, correct information and concern for your child's health and future is the most loving thing we, as parents, can do

Absolutely this.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. It really helps to know we are not alone. Our family seems to have been fractured by this, my eldest is 18 and has basically moved out to a friend's place as she feels she can't be around her younger sisters and study for A levels too.
DD is 16 and is out as gay, I have no issues there but she has been an encouraging force for her younger sister and is fiercely pro trans. She is furiously calling us Terfs and I'm sure she is behind the Xmas day announcement idea. She is also autistic and says she is disappointed in our ( mainly mine- I can't stop crying :( ) reaction to DD3s news.
DS is 11 and is delighted to have a brother at last. Bless
I need to contact the school next week as DD3 is at an all girls school- they do have some trans kids there but they are gender neutral and DD3 is adament she wants to be known as a male. I can't see how this can work but I really fear for her if she moves to local co ed schools.
DD3 has already started 'remembering' things wrongly. She had her hair cut short as I insisted as she wouldn't care for it while long. She wasn't that happy about it. But she's telling everyone she chose to cut it hersefl, to look like a boy.
I'm calling her out on these things so she's cross with me.
We are a complicated family anyhow due to everyone's SNs- I feel like this will destroy us as a family :(

[Smallblanket]

Interesting article about the move from children's services to adult services in the NHS:

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/nhs-plans-to-save-teenagers-from-cliff-edge-move-to-adult-healthcare-pcvpvq8rt?shareToken=200afe06ecfb72467de69fddef28081a


From the article, the NHS says: "the evidence shows that full development takes until around 25".

I wish that part of the NHS would tell their gender identity clinics.

[Italiangreyhound]

@3dogs2cats "It really is like witch trials, I’m scared to speak. We had 18 months of hell, but at 16 she seems to be a girl again." So glad your dd is herself again. Did anything facilitate that?

@FloralBunting I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter. But so pleased she too feels like a girl again.

[rodgmum]

Poly My DS is 17 and he is also cutting himself off from the family as he can’t take all the crap that comes with this. He can’t wait to head off to uni next year and spends most of his time at home in his room.

Re school- DD told her Year Head that she was a boy and the YH told our son and fully implemented it across the school but didn’t tell us! We complained to the Head and our complaint was upheld. The school’s position is that they should be neutral so while other children at the school refer to DD as he/him etc, at least the teachers aren’t doing so now and I think psychologically that is very important. I think once it is validated and reinforced by the trusted adults around the child, it can be incredibly difficult for the child to then find a way back out if they change their minds.