ROGD Parent Support

[iamright17]

This is a new thread for parents who are experiencing the phenomenon of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria in their tweens/ teens/ young adults.

Sadly we are being watched and our words taken out of context so please be careful what you say.

I want the UK and beyond to listen to parents. Even if it is deemed as anecdotal for now, it is important for someone to acknowledge our perspective. The trans narrative is trying to undermine our credibility.

Janes - you do have to laugh - otherwise I would be hiding under my mattress all day every day.

Found the twitter thread I saw. I wasn't dreaming it, it seems!
twitter.com/4th_WaveNow/status/1104427039082405888

Reading this thread is heart-breaking and I an in awe of how you cope with it.

I'm wondering - I remember years ago watching that teen Brat Camp show that Channel 4 did, where they sent troubled UK teens to the US residential camps to try and get them on the straight and narrow.

Are there any such camps for ROGD children? Could six or eight weeks away from social media, pronouns, arguments etc have any positive effect? Or would most US states compel adults to use the child's preferred pronouns and thus would be of no use? Just musing as to what could possibly help....

I personally wouldn’t want to send my DD to a camp with other “RODG” teens (I wouldn’t even want her to attend a local support group) because I think for these issues, they would probably encourage and feed off each other.

However , I do know of a number of desisters who have desisted after spending time away from the Internet, somewhere isolated where they have been kept very busy. One of the girls from Pique Resistance desisted after spending time on a horse farm (I think it was) away from the Internet. I do think this type of time away could be very helpful for a teen in the right frame of mind.

I think one of the keys is keeping your teen as busy as possible, not only to limit Internet time, but to keep them distracted away from GI issues and engaged in activities outside the trans bubble.

No I wouldn't send my ROGD teen on such a camp.

ROGD teens need loving attachment with family, and direction into non gender-related activity.

SisterWendy
I completely agree, and think young non-conforming people are desperately trying to fit into a "community"
Language such as "trans siblings" is very influential, persuasive and paired with complete demonization of people (such as their own parents) who think differently, very much sets these young people on a path where they rely on the advice and support of strangers, usually on the internet, rather than those who really care about them.

^oh, sorry, I completely missed some pages there I thought I was replying to a recent post but it was back in November!

I think that it is fin3 to respond to earlier posts here. So interesting to hear that. My teen had a debate in school today about whether the internet damaged real life friendships. To me, it clearly does, we’ve go5 all these young people who don’t meet, d9 everything virtually, and the6 totally ar3 in a bubble.

I'm very new to all this and wondering how worried I should be!? Friday morning I found a note on the kitchen table from my DS stating he is 'dysphoric' about his identity and that he was now transgender.

This could not be more out of character and is quite honest hard to believe, no build up, no indicators absolutely nothing!!

Fri evening whilst he was at scouts I checked his phone, on Monday he added new apps Reddit and Discord, he has been talking to people who he obviously doesn't know, and his past 18 months of Google search history shows nothing regarding this subject, except for Monday where he was googling the meaning of related words and what treatments he can have.. Coincidence??

Tonight I found a diary conveniently left on the chair saying I wish my mum would call me (girl's name) and talk to me. So tomorrow I think I am going to tackle it, but don't know how 😟. I haven't slept since Friday and still have 24 tabs open on my phone of advice pages... It's a minefield & I'm scared!!

Forgot to say he's only 11

Oh dear :(

11 is very young.

I think I would ask him about his feelings, and listen to what he says about them without trying to discuss your own point of view in the first instance. Reflect back to him what you're hearing, clarify what he's saying etc. Let him know you are sorry if he is feeling badly about himself or his body. Give him a hug.

That's enough for an initial talk, I reckon.

It should give you some more info to go on, and to think about before having a second conversation, which could be focused more on your boundaries for him as a minor.

Something like 'I understand that you're feeling unhappy in yourself at the moment. That's really difficult, and I want to help you as much as I can in a way that won't cause you any harm.

See what he wants to happen. Offer what you feel comfortable happening. I asked ds whether he'd like to talk to someone (private, neutral) about it (I said no to gender clinice). I also reiterated that I supported GNC behaviour and presentation - he could be as feminine as he wanted to be, and I would be OK with it.

I drew clear lines on what would not be happening - blockers, hormones, name changes, pronoun changes, gender clinics. Not because i didn't love him and didn't want to help him, but because it was my job as his mum to keep his options open until he was an adult and no longer in my care.

And then, I would do my best to take the heat out of it. Don't debate it, don't argue over it. Don't make it a topic of conversation. Draw him into as many family activities he likes as possible. Encourage non-gender related activity. Throw money at stuff that looks like another possible interest (if you have it...music has been a bit of a life saver here) Stay close. Don't let yourself be alienated from him. Slow everything about gender down as slow as it can get, and focus more on the other parts of his life.

At 11, I'd consider some internet restrictions also. Not huge ones. And not 'because of gender'. (I mean, yes, but don't frame it that way).

I have no experience of dealing with this and schools (we HE) so I'd imagine that's another thing to think about.

Good luck. Don't panic. If he didn't exhibit dysphoria as a child, this is unlikely to be a permanent identity now. He may be having nascent issues with puberty or his sexuality ? If you can find a neutral therapist, that could be a good option for support.

HTH!

I’ll add some comments on school (agree with Janes comments).

I would speak to school and find out whether they have a policy of positive affirmation if a child tells them they want to be identified as the opposite sex. Our school formally transitioned our daughter behind our back and then said we had no say as parents (we did then complain to the Head and it was upheld).

If the school does have a positive affirmation policy and you find your son wants the school to be told, there are strong arguments you can give to them (post again and I I’ll outline our complaint).

There are a couple of great U.K. parent support groups - Bayswater Support (@BayswaterSG on Twitter plus they have a new website with information for parents: www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ ) and Our Duty (@OurDutyGrp Twitter). Do join them- they have been a brilliant support for me.

Thank you both, both of those sites are open in my tabs, I have also followed you rodgmum on twitter if that's ok. I'm hoping it's just me being an overthinking mum, but I want to tread carefully and hope I can find out if there is something else going on. Thanks again, all help is much appreciated on what has been a very long weekend!!

I’ve just followed you back. Meant to say, be wary of the school. If I were you and had a trusted friend, I would get them to make sure general enquiries about their policy. My DD didn’t tell us and we obviously wish we’d been able to talk to the school before she did, but at the same time, if they positively affirm, you don’t want to get in too early in case they then push it on your son while he possibly just wants you to know and not the school! It’s all a very delicate balancing act!

*some not “sure” enquiries

Hi, I have been in your position although ours seems to have stopped this now. I would put controls on his internet. Look at reddit , discord and tumblr, they are not good places for an 11 year old to be. I would not allow any access. I would tell him straight that he cannot be a girl, and that anyone who says he can has their own agenda/ delusion going on. I would limit all screen time and get him out and active n the real world for hours every day. Don’t know how much his Dad is involved, but hope he’s available to. Really, walk , swim cycle paintball, get a dog, horse riding fishing, cooking, crochet art gardening wildlife,, whatever might prove absorbing. And listen and try to get to the bottom of what he feels is missing or wrong, but concede nothing, don’t let this delusion take hold.

Also be aware that what he says and how he says it can come from a script that kids are told to use.

I'm so sorry to hear what's happening Moink. This must be such a shock - all our thoughts are with you.

Janes and ROGD have given great advice. I can't add anything specific as my child was a lot older but you're right to think about what else might be going on.

Stay strong and know that you're not alone

Moink100 so sorry, very tough. Look after yourself as well as him. XX

Thanks meant to be XXXXX

I'm sorry to hear this Moink. We are a few weeks ahead of you with our almost 14 yo DD who has autism and I've just about stopped crying every time I think about it.
We are using the suggestions given here and are using her biological pronouns and just reminding her that girls cannot 'become' girls, no matter how many drugs or how much surgery they have.
She already had short hair and dresses in 'boys' clothing as I didn't see that as mattering too much. DD has taken these things to mean she 'must' be a boy and speaks freely of her conviction that she is supposed to have a penis.
DD is getting a lot of her 'information' from the internet. Plus she has some trans friends at school.
We've restricted her internet access quite a bit and have asked the school not to put her in classes with her affirming friends next year. They can't do anything this year but won't affirm her as male at school, thank goodness.
Keep reading and posting. It has given me a lot of comfort to know
I'm not alone online as IRL this seems like a very lonely place to be :(

Hi all, it's Janes with a new name.

Just wanted to check in and see how everyone is getting on.

This Victoria Derbyshire programme is very interesting.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000dl50/victoria-derbyshire-21012020

From about 5 minutes in.

It's about 20 minutes. Victoria interviews a man who lived ‘as a woman’ for four years and has now de-transitioned.

Thanks italiangreyhound

Things are in a holding pattern here. Ds continues to not move forward with any steps towards social or medical transition. But I am pretty sure that he hasn't entirely let go of it either.

He is spending quite a lot of time on hobbies, which I think is helpful for mental health regardless.

My dd, who was binding for many years, asked me to go shopping with her to get some proper, supportive bras. I was allowed to come in with her and help her get the fit right. I was proud of her for acknowledging the reality of her sexed body, and for taking steps to ensure her comfort and health.

Wow, janeskettle that is brilliant news.

I really recommend watching this for everyone affected by this as parents. Not sure how much young people would be able to connect with it, unless they found it themselves.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxVmSGTgNxI