ROGD Parent Support

[iamright17]

This is a new thread for parents who are experiencing the phenomenon of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria in their tweens/ teens/ young adults.

Sadly we are being watched and our words taken out of context so please be careful what you say.

I want the UK and beyond to listen to parents. Even if it is deemed as anecdotal for now, it is important for someone to acknowledge our perspective. The trans narrative is trying to undermine our credibility.

Polyplax - I am not sure any of us even dreamed of having to deal with this, or just how damaging it is for our vulnerable kids, so it's no wonder we feel we made mistakes. Like you I have other kids who would not have fallen down this rabbit hole. My DD is now diagnosed with ASD, which we didn't know at the time she announced her change of gender. If we had known, I might have tackled things differently.

I sincerely believe that if DD had been born 5 years earlier, or 5 years later, this wouldn't have happened.

PolyplaxSerrat

"She has asked if we will call her they/ them instead. I'd rather not at this stage because I think once we've given in to that, he/him will be next."

Any comments?

How long has it been?

We gave into pronouns after a year. Name after 6 months. In some ways I wish we had given in sooner because I am not sure it has made any difference. PM me if you like.

iamright17 "Are the trans friends new friends and was she not in a group of friends before? So many questions to ask but it seems this is not gender dysphoria but an attempt at belonging."

Of course anyone can say or think anything on here but it's very difficult to diagnose gender dysphoria on the basis of some posts. I know, for example, I would have said that it wasn't genuine in the early days and now I would say it is. The fact it is influenced by others (on line or in real life) doesn't stop it being real, if you see what I mean.

PolyplaxSerrata "I don't know if DH is that convinced or he's just trying to stop me from having a breakdown.

He has this annoying habit of playing the devil's advocate."

To be honest I wonder if sometimes protecting ones partner is a part of this, he may be looking out for you. Or he may be playing Devils advocate. What do you think is more likely? For example in my own case the partner is most definitely simply doing what works for him!

Smallblanket "... now diagnosed with ASD, which we didn't know at the time she announced her change of gender. If we had known, I might have tackled things differently."

Snap!

"I sincerely believe that if DD had been born 5 years earlier, or 5 years later, this wouldn't have happened."

Snap 2

Poly I wasn’t trying to belittle your stress when I said it didn’t seem like gender dysphoria to me. I meant that there was more of a social element influencing this as opposed to internal. Ofcourse I am not able to diagnose. Just offering up an opinion.

*possibility of more of a social element.

iamright I do agree there is a real social element.

I guess I would feel ROGD is gender dysphoria but like different kinds of mental illness it is not necessarily permanent.

And iamright I'm not trying to discourage your view. You may be (as your name suggests) right!

Yes agree. It’s the ROGD aspect that still is distressing. This is different from the old style gender identity disorder and of the transsexuals we once only thought existed. I suppose I was trying to say this but albeit clumsily. My head knows what I mean but I don’t necessarily articulate this well. My own child’s distress became magnified once his friends started to get involved and encouraging the next moves as did going to the gender clinic. He also tried to rewrite his story to fit with a diagnosis. This could be coincidence though.

My pronoun compromise was use whatever you like out of the house. Inside the house I switched between natal sex pronouns and gender neutral pronouns - my cognitive energy was going towards their long term wellbeing, not monitoring my natural language use.

I can do 'they/them', though, in a way I just can't do opposite sex pronouns. One is a fudge, the other is a lie.

iamright yes I completely know what you mean.

"He also tried to rewrite his story to fit with a diagnosis. This could be coincidence though." I certainly know what you mean about re-writing history.

Sorry, if I jumped the gun in assuming you were saying it wasn't real.

Re rewriting history.

This is what is good about going to a decent psychiatrist. They will often spend quite a bit of time getting a developmental history, including presence or absence of GD in childhood.

With my son's psychiatrist, I was able to clearly and openly - and honestly! - describe the lack of indicators of GD in childhood, a history of very gender conforming choices and behaviours, and the onset of distress co-occuring post puberty with peer and online influence.

Because that's all part of developmental history, which can't come just from the adolescent, because a lot of it they don't remember.

No worries. I’m out now drinking my worries away.

JamesKettle. My son was exactly the same as yours

@iamright17, I don't know if dd actually has GD but she thinks she has, and that's what needs to be addressed.
@Italiangreyhound DH is the peacemaker in the family. He doesn't like to make a fuss. He's very 'English'- I'm not from the UK and am not afraid to rock the boat, if necessary. I have years of experience fighting for my three youngest ASD children, and this isn't dissimilar. Except I'm fighting with my child too. :( That sucks.
@JanesKettle I'm hoping to find a psychiatrist who can help us with that as I can't remember a single thing about DD which made me think she might be a boy as a younger child. In fact she hated seeing her brother run around naked and used to call his genitals disgusting.

poly oh my, snap again!

"In fact she hated seeing her brother run around naked and used to call his genitals disgusting."

Although in our family ds saunters rather than runs!

@Italiangreyhound DS used to do a wicked willy waggle when he was smaller, these days the poor lad has 3 teenage sisters so he runs for his life if he finds himself sans pants!

I can't remember a single thing about DD which made me think she might be a boy as a younger child

Which is really the first red flag, isn't it ? And suggests that the distress is environmentally induced.

Ds was the same. Very gender conforming, actually. Liked stereotypically boys clothes and boys toys and boys activities, expressed zero concerns or distress about his sex - and he grew up in a home where I strove for gender neutral provisions and expectations ie boys can cry too if they are sad or hurt, it's OK to play dress up and dolls as a boy, you can wear your hair how you like, long hair doesn't mean you're not a boy blah blah.

There was zero indication of any innate issue.

I can't remember a single thing about DD which made me think she might be a boy as a younger child

Same here. However others have tried to rewrite things, cherry picking bits and pieces to rewrite her history and informing me where I‘ve missed things. Bollocks to that.

She loved dolls and typically female toys. But also playmobil and had a huge collection. I wouldn’t say playmobil was an indication but others did. She loved painting and drawing. She was a cub and a scout for years. Much has been made of this but 75% of that troop were girls. All of the senior scouts were girls. She loved the outdoors. Still does.

She also loved clothes. Still does. Can spend hours browsing and shopping. She went through a stage of wearing very feminine vintage style dresses and skirts, and 50s style frilly petticoats with doc martens and converse. Much has been made of her love of docs. I live in docs and I’m definitely female. A love of docs means you love docs. Nothing else.

We had a goth phase where she dyed her hair mad colours in the holidays, dressed in black with lots of black eyeliner. Her Christmas list was all Jeffree Star. Even her choice of make up brand has been used to fit the narrative. Then 3 months after Christmas she suddenly binned the lot, decided she was a he and had a complete change of image.

At the sixth form she attended last year there were 9 girls identifying as boys. It’s a small sixth form. But this is not a social contagion? There are a few more this year and more in her new college.

However she watched the new Tyrince video, agreed with a lot of it and is now more confused than ever

6 weeks before my DD announced she was transgender at age 18, I'd heard about a mutual friend's young adult child transitioning and remember thinking how difficult that must have been for everyone concerned. It didn't even cross my mind that we could have been facing the same situation only a few weeks later.

She wasn't particularly gender conforming - but never showed any sign she was distressed with her body or with being a girl.

She found a photo of herself as a toddler wearing a blue dress - nodded sagely and said she preferred blue even at that age - evidence of really being a boy all along!

Reading silently and sending support and much love to you all. Will stay quiet unless further support is needed.

This is very well written.

www.feministcurrent.com/2019/06/04/dagny-on-social-media-gender-dysphoria-trans-youth-and-detransitioning/

nodded sagely and said she preferred blue even at that age

You have to laugh sometimes, don't you. So much ridiculous nonsense (Not the feelings of distress, but the attempts to rewrite history)

Did anyone else see a twitter thread about parents buying 'packers' for their FTM trans children?
I can't find it now, but it was so jaw-dropping I wonder if it was a cheese dream!