Christmas is just a load of wifework: discuss

[drspouse]

DH and I have a collaborative approach to Christmas though he tends to want to do less than I do in terms of activities, as our DS needs a bit of structure I usually overrule him.
He writes more Christmas cards than I do as we only do them for elderly relatives who don't have email and he has more of them.
However all family just want me to give them suggestions for presents for the DCs.
And could you just send me a link.
And what does DH want.
Oh can't you just buy it and I'll pay you back. Can't you wrap it too?
And the mums on FB... My goodness. And here too. I bet all the dads are not wrapping up the living room door and moving the elf and buying reindeer food. And working out which relative won't eat smoked salmon canapes and when to get their Ocado slot. And if they'll fit into their slinky dress for the work party.
It's just the whole year of sexism multiplied by 65 million isn't it?

DH doesn’t abandon me to it and see it as wifework. He just needs to do things more in the moment than weeks/months ahead. So it works well for us.

In other words, poor little man brain, I have to do the thinking for us.

That wasn't what was being said, op. The PP was saying that she makes Christmas preparations year round whilst her husband isn't thinking about buying Christmas presents in March (and a lot of us are the same). I will think about Christmas in December and I don't have a poor little man brain thanks, as I'm a woman who happens not to buy into the commercialisation of Christmas.

I guess it's leaving a carrot for the reindeer alongside the mince pie and whisky, don't forget the whisky (preferably Jura), for Santa.

We used to do this. Leave a carrot on the table then put it back in the veg bin once the weans were in bed. 'Oh look, Rudolph scoffed his carrot!'.

You can actually buy a reindeer food mix (looks like muesli)

Ah OK, I was thinking "surely nobody is cooking for the imaginary reindeer".

@𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙞𝙥𝙞𝙚 here parents got together and reminded the school it was additional pressure, especially a financial one on parents who might not be able to afford it. And we suggested bring an old T-shirt and decorate it and there’s also your art lesson.
More children got involved because it was cost free.
That’s what I hate about the school jumper day, the financial cost that some simply cannot afford. It’s needless when there are alternatives.
Over the years parents have brought in extra T-shirt’s and old decorations.
Mine are no longer there and a the head last year wanted to go back to the let’s waste money option and exclude pupils in the process.

I think it only becomes wifework when you are doing it all by yourself.
I've always loved Christmas, I'm a big kid at heart.
Shared between both of you it becomes fun, and not work at all.

I don't think it's society that needs to change because not all of society thinks like these men who are forcing women into Wife/mum work at Christmas.
Some men do as much as the women, sometimes more. It needs to be an individuals choice sod what society expects. Life is too short it's for enjoying, and xmas should be fun not drudgery.

Think it has a bit of glitter in it.
Another why buy it?
You have cereal at home right if you really want to do this, instead of the much easier carrot. Bash up some cereal, in one of those small clear bags, if you have something sparkly chuck that in and tie. Instead people go trawling around the net/store in search of this stuff 🤣

DH ' helps' but all the mental load is mine and actually it's the school stuff with three under 10's that tips me over the edge

My lovely DFIL always used to ask me how I was at Xmas and how it was the woman who had the hardest time if it and he'd be 94 now bless him. It was nice to have that acknowledgment from someone other than my mother.

I love all the planning and present buying and activity booking so it's not at all a chore for me. DH will do his family and the running around on Christmas Eve but it's not really on his radar because he doesn't enjoy any of it. If I hayed it then it's be an issue, but I genuinely love this time of year so not an issue for me.

Society cannot be held accountable for everything. You can choose to just go along with what everyone wants or you can say actually no. Nothing happens well aside from you no longer feel obligated to do things. You don’t feel all the pressure of making everything just right. You actually get to enjoy the day and it’s more relaxed. If society was to blame then all males would be the same.

And I agree with pp about the manchild. It’s a choice. These signs are there in the early days. They are there usually before you have a child so yea if you stick with them in the hope of changing them, and they never do. Ok it’s the parents fault for raising him that way, but no one told you to stick around. I’ve had fun flings with them, be in a relationship with one no thanks, I’d rather get another cat.
Getting away from dv is incredibly hard and no way near comparable to leaving a manchild. The manchild further enforces the realisation that you don’t need him. The abuser will make you belief no one else will want you, never mind everything else that goes into a dv relationship.

I think it only becomes wifework when you are doing it all by yourself.
I've always loved Christmas, I'm a big kid at heart.
Shared between both of you it becomes fun, and not work at all.

I'm not sure I entirely agree with this. Anything will seem like hard work if you don't like doing it or fun if you do. If you as a couple both dislike Christmas and are only doing it for the kids even if it is split 50/50 you'll still find your half tedious.

We have a basic rule in our relationship.

There are things that need doing. If we both hate doing them we split them 50/50. Cleaning falls into this category. If we both like doing them we split them 50/50. Childcare fell into this category. If one of us likes doing them and the other doesn't the one who likes doing them does the bulk. Cooking falls into this category, I love to cook, he hates it so I do the bulk.

Then there are things that don't need doing. If we both hate them nobody does them. Ironing falls into this category. Nobody irons. If we both like doing them we split them 50/50. Pumpkin carving falls into this category. I did it last year, he's doing this year's. If one of us likes doing them and the other doesn't the one who likes doing them does them. Anything beyond token effort Christmas falls into this category. I enjoy it so I do it, the only thing I really want from him is for him to drive so I can drink, which he does.

I'm really reluctant to tell other people they are doing their relationship wrong if one or other of them is doing the bulk of something. If you are unhappy with the split of tasks you need to discuss it with your partner but I'm not going to barge onto the Christmas boards and start assuming other women who may very well be happy as Larry going overboard on Christmas are wrong. If they aren't happy they can speak for themselves.

All these partners that don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do anything. Do they still want presents?

Expectation

That's the word we need to remove.
It's not just men not pulling their weight it's raising your children to expect. Just don't do it, don't be dragged into tat xmas shops in October.
You are the parent/wife, ffs say no.
If you enjoy doing all the stuff, that's fine too.

I think I must have hit the jackpot with mine after reading some of these comments
Don't tell him what to do, you might as well do it yourself if you have to give them a list, they aren't helping, they are doing their share.

women who may very well be happy as Larry going overboard on Christmas are wrong. If they aren't happy they can speak for themselves.

This one million per cent. It’s you that has to make the change.
You can say no.
No means no means no.
Others don’t like it? Let them sulk about it they will get over it. First year is hard. Second year a lot easier and more people you know start to think the same. Three years on and you kick yourself for not doing it years earlier.

If it’s really for the kids, then why is Uncle Tom sulking because he didn’t get a card? Your 3 year old you can understand. But a grown ass adult 😂

And going back to society pressure. Where is the pressure at Christmas for every house to do the exact same thing?

Yea why is it the man always ‘helps’ regardless of the task. But for females it’s just grown up stuff. I cannot ever recall a time I have said, or heard any female I know - hi Dave, helped you out, washed the dishes (assuming you love together) and hoovered. It’s not helping it’s doing shit around the house that needs doing whether you live alone or with someone.

All these partners that don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do anything. Do they still want presents?

Presents are fine - it's all the other extraneous stuff that makes it difficult.
I like Christmas to a point, but I don't like all the additonal over the top stuff which may add to the experience, but also adds work, stress, cost, etc. So I don't do them.
Doesn't mean I don't want presents.

All these partners that don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do anything. Do they still want presents?

Mine would be quite happy not to get presents most years. He's a man of few wants. Doesn't want anything for his birthday most years either.

This year he's come up with a couple of things as he's busy turning our box room into a workshop so wants brackets for shelves and a small electric drill for awkward corners but to be honest that's unusual.

Oh I understand not wanting to do the extras, as I don’t do them either. I’m talking about the ones that say they won’t do a thing because they don’t like Christmas.

Ex didn't really want presents, no. Not to buy, not to receive. Too much stress all round, especially the having to pretend to like things that weren't guitar-related.

He would happily have skipped the whole Christmas thing in perpetuity. It's only for DD that either of us bother.

I don’t like Christmas, I don’t buy presents, I do not expect to receive presents. I just ignore the whole thing. If I want something I’d rather buy it myself

I think the society pressure thing is interesting...partly because we all exist within the society and so are part of it. Yes not everybody does the same thing, yes some households will have a fair distribution of work. It about on average what happens.

Even when dd was little we didn't "do" Halloween. The effort I had to put in to say "no thanks" to T or Ts, to explain why we didn't have any decorations ...I had to fend slightly aggressive questions from friends and neighbours. Some people clearly felt I was critsining their choice or being snobby. Quite uncomfortable. because society ( here) does expect that you will do Halloween, in a pretty set way, sending the kids out dressed up. I think that it would be easy to not notice the society pressure until you step outside of the bounds for normal in your community.

My DH doesn't want a present. He hates stuff. We're buying each other a 3 day break to Prague instead of gifts.

I think that it would be easy to not notice the society pressure until you step outside of the bounds for normal in your community.

Sounds awful but I don't want to be part of normal society, I don't like the world tbh.
That's not to say I wasn't part of the community when our kids were growing up, we just didn't get involved with community events, much more than attending.
If we had done what was expected it wouldn't have been our lives anymore.
I know my family is weird though, we live life for us, not everyone else.

There’s an episode of the Middle that shows this in a funny way. How ingrained the conditioning is.

*I think it only becomes wifework when you are doing it all by yourself.
I've always loved Christmas, I'm a big kid at heart.
Shared between both of you it becomes fun, and not work at all.

I don't think it's society that needs to change because not all of society thinks like these men who are forcing women into Wife/mum work at Christmas.
Some men do as much as the women, sometimes more. It needs to be an individuals choice sod what society expects. Life is too short it's for enjoying, and xmas should be fun not drudgery.*

Nah ... there's more to enjoying or not enjoying Christmas than sharing work. You've identified that you like it. That puts you streets ahead. And being a kid at heart is another big plus where Christmas is concerned. I think it is a massive consumer-fest and dislike it from that perspective. And I'm more grinch than child .

While I like aspects of it (primarily those spent with my family - ie dh and the kids) many of the aspects that I dislike are because of the extended family expectations. That adds to the work and there's very little joy in it, just a lot of dutiful invitations, hosting and present buying. I cannot see the point. But nor can I see a way out. And no, deciding to never see my ILs or father at Christmas are not options. They may not fill me with joy but they haven't done anything particularly awful either. And yes I'm sure I'll be horrified if my children feel the same way in decades to come (surprised? less so).