Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

"It's taken me 40 odd years to realise that the question should not be "Does he mean it/ can he help it?"
The question should be "Is this how I want to live my life?" And that if the answer is "no", even if you feel sorry for him, you get the fuck out and live your own life, your own way."

THIS!!! I just need to pick up the courage.

It sounds so lonely, Toomany. The one person you ought to have been able to talk to is the one person you need to be able to talk about and can't.

Have you got any constructive outlets for your anger at least? (because keeping it all inside - as you've seen with DC - means it pops out in unexpected places. I've been there!)

I reckon you'll find it a lot easier to cope with how you feel and what he's done and the constant bubbling anger once you're out. Having the space to breathe and think without him there will make a big difference. Hang in there, only six months to go.

TooMany that sounds really tough in so many ways. The anger is so hard to cope with; absolutely you have a right to feel angry that he stole 20 years/lied/puts you in a position of having to cope alone. It's how you feel, and it's valid, and you need to try to put it somewhere while you cope with day-to-day life. And yes, I think we've all felt our kids suffered during the secret bit, where you're having to pretend it's Business As Usual; I remember sitting eating at the table with them unable to swallow my food because I was so upset, but having to pretend I was fine. Or my daughter finding me in tears and having to pretend I'd bashed my elbow.
This will pass. It's such a hard period for you; you have to 'see' it and play 'normal', and carry on functioning. I don't know how we've all managed it, but we do and you will. Women have tremendous, astounding strength. I hope you can stay focussed on everyday survival/good-enough mothering, self-care. And that you have the energy to do some planning, financial/housing etc. Do you have other 'real' people who know your situation and your longer-term plan? Either way of course we're here!
Lots of us have survived this, having been through varying lengths of time having to live alongside the person, the anger, the pain. You will get out in the end if you decide to, and life will be better. And crucially you will be more free.
I'll be thinking of you as we all will; keep checking in won't you?

Bumping this brilliant thread because I am determined that transwidows should have more of a priority in the thread listing than a man who overshadows his own transwidow and prevents her being centred in a movement which should be for her, not him.

And a salute and much love to you all.

TooMany, I also had a hard time dealing with my anger. It is not my normal state of emotions but I was treated so poorly, anger was the only correct response. Writing in a journal and a good therapist helped me a lot.

As for the lost 20 years, I can paraphrase a friend of mine... "Better 20 than 21 or 22..."

@Toomanytears I am totally with you on this. The DC have no idea what is going on, other than Dad can get irrationally angry at times, and I have snapped about nothing. There is nothing between me and Him now, think he must feel this too, I don't see why he can't. He has an appointment next week, so we will see what happens there. I just carry on, but it's getting harder and at some point the DC are going to have to find out. Side note - do you remember when we used to put DH (Darling Husband) ????? No more for that one!

The lost years in my case... Well I got my wonderful kids, which helps

Thank you for all your replies. I knew you would understand

miricles no, I'm pretty sure that he is so deluded that he actually thinks we have a long and happy future together

Social yes, as any mother feels, my dc are amazing and I love them more than I could ever express. However, I could have had wonderful dc with someone who wouldn't blow my life up and leave me considering single Parenthood. I wanted my children to be raised by 2 parents who love each other and enjoy living together but clearly that won't be happening and I'm angry that it won't and it's ALL his fault.

Righteous anger. It's totally his fault, selfishness and cowardice. Ditto for me. I married a self-absorbed coward who did me and my kids great wrong, without apology. I'd love to say the anger goes but I'm still angry and in a state of chronic disbelief much of the time. Best to accept it, it's real, and underneath lies hurt and sadness often. Anger galvanizes and keeps us going. It's just how it is. I hate it too but trust it will fade in time. Like much of life it is profoundly unfair that this happened to you, without your knowledge or invitation. Maybe you can use yr anger to drive change, escape, start again. This is a long road but you're not on your own. Sorry if this soundsctrite. It's the most painful thing that's ever happened to me.

BeMoreMagdalen I hear ya!

@Toomanytears I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Count those days.

What did women like us have before the internet. Sure social media has given these men voice, but it has brought us together.

Your husband things everything is ok, which I think makes the narcissism point really well. It's all about him. I know with my ex, it was like 'if he didn't see it. It didn't happen.' He would tell me the grass was blue and totally expect me to believe it and not believing it was offensive in the extreme. For me his transitioning is part of his 'it's all about me'. Your husband sounds like it's all about him.
You'll have your time. And he won't count. I'm sorry for the misery right now. We understand.

Looking back I don't know how I got through the last 18 months. There was a year between him being referred to the GIC and being seen, then the last six months or so after that as I built up to leaving. I think I almost didn't get through it to be honest.

I was a mess. But with counselling, a shed load of anti depressants and good friends, I got through it.

Too, you have taken control of your own destiny. Looking back I was terrified of leaving the marriage and the aftermath of people finding out, but the year after I left was so much better than the year before. You've got freedom from this to look forward to.

My divorced friends always says "Well it may seem bad now but imagine how much worse it'd be if we'd stayed with them."

And of course you've got an advantage over what I had- you've already found other women who've been through it so you're not on your own.

TL:DR- things are going to get better for you

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p06xvbsc

Just posting the Woman's Hour link again as I think it has moved.

Male desire for humiliation as 'female'. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3684122-Male-desire-for-humiliation-as-female

A thread has just been started that I think a lot of the women here could make very informative contributions to.

Thanks for both these @TinselAngel

Good advice Alone. There is a scandalous failure to think about and help the women and children adversely affected by this. That's why we exist.

SocialWorker - I get that I really do. This is the most painful thing that's happened to me - I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and 3 1/2 years ago I was really very ill. I'm well now but I still cannot face another relationship.

That's a very tough period for you America. I'm glad your health has improved Self-care is so important to surviving this, but it seems most real women who have kids put their needs first and wear themselves out keeping family life/finances/home going. Unlike this catalogue of self-absorbed males who spend most of their time ON self-care. My health has suffered in several ways but I'm hoping at some point there's energy and headspace to improve that. As for new relationships... Big sigh. How does that work after a battering experience of living with a liar for so long? At some point do you have to actually ask someone new if they're SURE they have no interest in dressing up in women's clothes?!

Part of it for me is that I was so absolutely and totally fooled by him, how can I trust myself to spot another narcissist? It's not overwhelming fear, I just can't be arsed with it all!

Totally. Being arsed takes a lot of time and effort. Making a good life without a relationship is a good start to freedom and recovery. And yes, I married a real nice guy and never in a million years saw this coming. Feeling a fool and ashamed was part of it for me, despite me having nothing to be ashamed of. I still feel rather marked in the relatively small community I live in, as that woman whose husband did that really weird fetishy thing, and surely she must have known, and now he's clacking around in heels and a short skirt...

I've been out with my lovely friend tonight who was trying to convince me that maybe I should try and be arsed but I'm not yet totally convinced.

Mind you I've had a subsequent disastrous relationship so I'm ahead of you guys!

So Tinsel was it any different from a new relationship after any break-up, or different because if your unusual ex? Telling the new person, trusting they aren't that way inclined? I feel quite contaminated by the ex, but maybe it's no different from having any useless/abusive ex?

My mistake I think, was going for somebody who was the complete opposite of ex. One extreme to another. They couldn't have been more different. Think Geoff Capes.

Maybe that was partly motivated by wanting to be sure he wasn't like the ex.

Extremes are never a good thing.

Tinsel you're trailblazer, doing the subsequent relationship first and reporting back your findings. We appreciate it!

I'm still on "can't be arsed" except that's just a polite way of putting it to other people. Really it's more "I recognise I am in no way equipped to be part of and handle a relationship with a psychologically-healthy adult at the moment; wouldn't be fair on myself or anyone else to try."

On the plus side, EMDR starts next week - if it results in not having to hide how triggered I am as a result of deemingly-innocuous touches in certain areas during sexytimes, this would help.

At some point do you have to actually ask someone new if they're SURE they have no interest in dressing up in women's clothes?!

Probably yes you do! If they're decent they'll learn a lot about you from your asking the question, and will be mindful and accommodating of the issues you've picked up along the way. Of course, if they're not decent they'll use that information to manipulate, control and abuse you. So it's a bit of a risk.