Agreed. Why don't we teach children this? Everyone should know it before they're considered ready for the adult world.
'How I want to live my life' most emphatically does not involve lying back and submitting to any shit these days. 'What I want to do with my life' is a much harder question, but 'live it with integrity' is definitely in there.
So yesterday I had a short, honest chat with the ex about boundary pushing.
I started off by telling him "Remember when you said you like X? You need to know that simply raising the possibility of X functions to create pressure in my mind."
He had not realised this. And why would he? So few people have any real clue of the effects trauma has.
I asked him if he remembered what I'd said afterwards. "That you were okay with it as an occasional thing?" he said. Um, no. "I said it didn't do anything for me at all. It wasn't possible for me to be any more explicit at the time, but this was the clearest indication I could give you that I didn't like it and didn't want to do it. I was actually quite badly triggered by it, and trying to hide that from you was quite the headfuck. And then you did it again. Twice."
He apologised, said he hadn't realised - and yes, I believe his apology is sincere and he truly didn't realise. But what sort of a world raises men to not be able to interpret "Yeah, not massively keen on this, didn't do anything for me" as a green light to do it again? And how the hell do they get to the point of thinking a sex act is okay when their partner is getting nothing out of it? It's reducing the partner to a prop.
And then he said it won't happen again.
"No, it won't. Because you'll never be in a position to do it again, because I cannot take that chance. But I'm telling you this anyway so that, in future, you cannot use ignorance as a defence to minimise and excuse a lack of consideration and empathy."
I feel better for having said it, though doubtless many would tell me he's a lost cause and there's no point. There's a point for any future partners of his, though. For their sake he needs to know that women are conditioned in so many ways to not be able to give a clear and explicit no.
And it's got me a step further down the path of understanding that trying to like a particular act while ignoring that it's triggering is a Very Bad Idea, because while you can train yourself to tolerate and find some enjoyment in the act, it's still going to be triggering, and the cognitive dissonance isn't worth it.
Which translates to: I'll never suck a dick again. That's my boundary and I'm owning it and sticking to it and fuck anyone who says it's prudish or weird.
That was quite cathartic.